(GLENN CLOSE is sitting around a conference table with JEFF, VAL, ALEX, and IKE.)
GLENN: As some of you may know, I lost the Oscar for Best Leading Actress to She-Who-Will-Die-of-Being-Eaten-By-Mountain-Goats.
ALEX: You mean Meryl Streep?
(GLENN takes out a baseball bat, and hits ALEX in the stomach. He falls to the ground screaming in pain.)
GLENN: Sorry, that's an immediate reaction I have to hearing that name.
JEFF: You carry a baseball bat around with you?
GLENN: You never know when you're going to run into Julianne Moore.
VAL: Am I the only one who's turned on right now?
IKE: Miss Close, I'm sure you'll win the next time you're nominated.
(GLENN strokes his cheek tenderly, like Ted Bundy would have.)
GLENN: Oh little Andrew. I was going to wait until after we'd made love tonight and I'd rubbed your little head between my withered breasts, but I suppose I can explain it to you now--
IKE: Wait, you were going to do what?
VAL: You're so lucky.
JEFF: Val, you're not a lesbian.
VAL: And Glenn is not a woman. She's a force of nature. Like a hurricane or a tomato.
JEFF: That's--
GLENN: No matter how many times I'm nominated, Meryl will always beat me. If I do "The Clara Barton Story" she'll do "The Florence Nightingale Story." If I do "Betsy Ross" she'll do "Martha Washington." If I do "Eat Pray Love 2" she'll do "Eat Pray Love 3: Back to Bombay."
ALEX: That last one sounds like a winner.
(GLENN kicks him in the face. He yelps.)
GLENN: I keep looking at you and seeing Jeremy Irons.
ALEX: We look nothing alike.
GLENN: You have his pretentious aura. Ooh! That reminds me. We need to start rehearsal.
JEFF: For the show that opens tomorrow that we haven't even blocked yet?
GLENN: Hahahahaha blocking is for Communists and Michelle Pfeiffer. No, we're going to rehearse my Oscar fantasy.
(EVERYONE groans.)
GLENN: SILENCE!
(They shut up.)
GLENN: Put on your masks!
(EVERYONE puts on a different mask.)
GLENN: Let's begin. Valerie Michelle Williams.
VAL: (With a MICHELLE WILLIAMS mask on, holding an index card.) I'm sorry I won a Golden Globe this year, and you didn't. I'm a talentless hack and a curvaceous harlot who should be strung up in the town square.
JEFF: What town?
GLENN: Thank you for that, Michelle. That was very touching. Loved the imagery. Andrew Rooney Mara?
IKE: (With a ROONEY MARA mask, holding an index card.) I'm sorry I slept with all of Hollywood so I could get the role that was rightfully yours.
JEFF: (To VAL.) She's years too old for that role.
VAL: She can do anything, Jeff! She played a Dalmatian for godsakes!
JEFF: No, she--
IKE: ...And Daniel Craig only ever loved you.
GLENN: I knew it! God it feels good to be right all the time. Okay, let's hear from Viola Davis.
ALEX: Which one of us is--
(JAMES BURGIS enters.)
ALEX: --Oh sweet lord.
GLENN: Well, I didn't want to offend anybody.
(JAMES puts on his VIOLA DAVIS mask, and reads from an index card.)
JAMES: I'm sorry I won the Screen Actor's Guild Award and that I then thanked Meryl for inspiring me as an actress, but not you. You are the sun. You are the rain.
JEFF: Is he quoting Lionel Ritchie?
JAMES: --That makes my life this foolish game. I loved you in Mars Attacks and I one day hope to play you in the movie of your life when I stop worshiping false idols and learn what it is to be an actress.
(JAMES exits.)
JEFF: Well, that certainly wasn't offensive.
GLENN: And now we come to She-Who-Will-Not-Be-
ALEX: Meryl?
(GLENN hits him again with the bat.)
ALEX: I never learn.
GLENN: Jeffrey Montgomery Sally Meryl Streep?
(JEFF puts on his MERYL mask. He has no index card. GLENN gasps.)
GLENN: We meet again.
JEFF: Glenn, you know why I'm here.
GLENN: To kill yourself in front of me. Fine. Just go slowly and focus mostly on your face.
JEFF: No, Glenn. I'm here to tell you that I love you.
GLENN: What is this? Some sort of witch trickery?
JEFF: We can't go on hating each other like this. Spreading lies and wishing ill of each other.
VAL: Why not? That's what art is all about!
JEFF: Hold me, Glenn. Hold me and let's put all this behind us.
GLENN: (With tears running down her face.) Oh Glenn, how I want to. How I truly want to, but...
JEFF: If you do, I'll do that Siamese twin movie we've always talked about...
GLENN: Really?!?
VAL: Don't do it, Glenn! It's a trick!
GLENN: And afterwards we can take turns making love to Andrew?
IKE: Okay, can I just remind everyone that one of these women is just Jeff in a mask?
JEFF: We can do whatever you want. But embrace me first.
(GLENN goes rushing into JEFF's arm, where JEFF tasers her, and she falls to the ground. JEFF pulls off his mask.)
VAL: Noooooooooooooo!
JEFF: Shut up, Val. We have twenty-four hours to mount Fatal Attraction: The Musical. Let's get moving.
IKE: What about Miss Close?
JEFF: We'll find a movie theater that's still playing Man on a Ledge and lock her in there. Nobody will ever find her.
ALEX: Can I light her on fire first? It might be the only way to kill her.
JEFF: There's no time.
(JEFF puts on his director beret.)
JEFF: We've got work to do.
(VAL weeps over the unconscious body of GLENN ClOSE.)
To Be Continued...
GLENN: As some of you may know, I lost the Oscar for Best Leading Actress to She-Who-Will-Die-of-Being-Eaten-By-Mountain-Goats.
ALEX: You mean Meryl Streep?
(GLENN takes out a baseball bat, and hits ALEX in the stomach. He falls to the ground screaming in pain.)
GLENN: Sorry, that's an immediate reaction I have to hearing that name.
JEFF: You carry a baseball bat around with you?
GLENN: You never know when you're going to run into Julianne Moore.
VAL: Am I the only one who's turned on right now?
IKE: Miss Close, I'm sure you'll win the next time you're nominated.
(GLENN strokes his cheek tenderly, like Ted Bundy would have.)
GLENN: Oh little Andrew. I was going to wait until after we'd made love tonight and I'd rubbed your little head between my withered breasts, but I suppose I can explain it to you now--
IKE: Wait, you were going to do what?
VAL: You're so lucky.
JEFF: Val, you're not a lesbian.
VAL: And Glenn is not a woman. She's a force of nature. Like a hurricane or a tomato.
JEFF: That's--
GLENN: No matter how many times I'm nominated, Meryl will always beat me. If I do "The Clara Barton Story" she'll do "The Florence Nightingale Story." If I do "Betsy Ross" she'll do "Martha Washington." If I do "Eat Pray Love 2" she'll do "Eat Pray Love 3: Back to Bombay."
ALEX: That last one sounds like a winner.
(GLENN kicks him in the face. He yelps.)
GLENN: I keep looking at you and seeing Jeremy Irons.
ALEX: We look nothing alike.
GLENN: You have his pretentious aura. Ooh! That reminds me. We need to start rehearsal.
JEFF: For the show that opens tomorrow that we haven't even blocked yet?
GLENN: Hahahahaha blocking is for Communists and Michelle Pfeiffer. No, we're going to rehearse my Oscar fantasy.
(EVERYONE groans.)
GLENN: SILENCE!
(They shut up.)
GLENN: Put on your masks!
(EVERYONE puts on a different mask.)
GLENN: Let's begin. Valerie Michelle Williams.
VAL: (With a MICHELLE WILLIAMS mask on, holding an index card.) I'm sorry I won a Golden Globe this year, and you didn't. I'm a talentless hack and a curvaceous harlot who should be strung up in the town square.
JEFF: What town?
GLENN: Thank you for that, Michelle. That was very touching. Loved the imagery. Andrew Rooney Mara?
IKE: (With a ROONEY MARA mask, holding an index card.) I'm sorry I slept with all of Hollywood so I could get the role that was rightfully yours.
JEFF: (To VAL.) She's years too old for that role.
VAL: She can do anything, Jeff! She played a Dalmatian for godsakes!
JEFF: No, she--
IKE: ...And Daniel Craig only ever loved you.
GLENN: I knew it! God it feels good to be right all the time. Okay, let's hear from Viola Davis.
ALEX: Which one of us is--
(JAMES BURGIS enters.)
ALEX: --Oh sweet lord.
GLENN: Well, I didn't want to offend anybody.
(JAMES puts on his VIOLA DAVIS mask, and reads from an index card.)
JAMES: I'm sorry I won the Screen Actor's Guild Award and that I then thanked Meryl for inspiring me as an actress, but not you. You are the sun. You are the rain.
JEFF: Is he quoting Lionel Ritchie?
JAMES: --That makes my life this foolish game. I loved you in Mars Attacks and I one day hope to play you in the movie of your life when I stop worshiping false idols and learn what it is to be an actress.
(JAMES exits.)
JEFF: Well, that certainly wasn't offensive.
GLENN: And now we come to She-Who-Will-Not-Be-
ALEX: Meryl?
(GLENN hits him again with the bat.)
ALEX: I never learn.
GLENN: Jeffrey Montgomery Sally Meryl Streep?
(JEFF puts on his MERYL mask. He has no index card. GLENN gasps.)
GLENN: We meet again.
JEFF: Glenn, you know why I'm here.
GLENN: To kill yourself in front of me. Fine. Just go slowly and focus mostly on your face.
JEFF: No, Glenn. I'm here to tell you that I love you.
GLENN: What is this? Some sort of witch trickery?
JEFF: We can't go on hating each other like this. Spreading lies and wishing ill of each other.
VAL: Why not? That's what art is all about!
JEFF: Hold me, Glenn. Hold me and let's put all this behind us.
GLENN: (With tears running down her face.) Oh Glenn, how I want to. How I truly want to, but...
JEFF: If you do, I'll do that Siamese twin movie we've always talked about...
GLENN: Really?!?
VAL: Don't do it, Glenn! It's a trick!
GLENN: And afterwards we can take turns making love to Andrew?
IKE: Okay, can I just remind everyone that one of these women is just Jeff in a mask?
JEFF: We can do whatever you want. But embrace me first.
(GLENN goes rushing into JEFF's arm, where JEFF tasers her, and she falls to the ground. JEFF pulls off his mask.)
VAL: Noooooooooooooo!
JEFF: Shut up, Val. We have twenty-four hours to mount Fatal Attraction: The Musical. Let's get moving.
IKE: What about Miss Close?
JEFF: We'll find a movie theater that's still playing Man on a Ledge and lock her in there. Nobody will ever find her.
ALEX: Can I light her on fire first? It might be the only way to kill her.
JEFF: There's no time.
(JEFF puts on his director beret.)
JEFF: We've got work to do.
(VAL weeps over the unconscious body of GLENN ClOSE.)
To Be Continued...
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