Let's Talk About Snark

"Snarky"

   Adjective

°Snide and sarcastic; usually out of irritation; often humorously.

We need to talk about snark

It's become one of those words that I've always known, but never really used, until about a year ago, when it suddenly started pummeling its way into the national consciousness--or maybe just onto my Facebook wall.

I've been called sarcastic before and it never really bothered me.  I've also been called a lot worse, and that sometimes bothered me.  I've never been called "snide" because I don't know any bootleggers and I'm assuming the last time the word "snide" was used was during the Prohibition era.

The point is--I'm used to having unattractive labels placed on me, and I'll admit that usually when they are, I deserve them, but I take issue with the word "snarky"--and here's why.

"Snarky" has now become the de facto word you use to criticize somebody who is stating something bluntly, oftentimes, yes, with sarcasm.  That fits the definition, so okay, fine, live with it BUT it also seems to be mainly applied to people who are a voice of reason, objectivity, or simple honesty in a situation where bullshit is running rampant.

For example, a woman posts something like this on her Facebook profile:

"My gardener didn't show up today.  Thanks for ruining my weekend."

And inevitably, because it's Facebook, and because everybody on Facebook has at least three "friends" who will support them unconditionally and comment with sympathy and bland, meaningless statements like "Hang in there, hon!" and cliches like "You just can't find good help anymore!" right before they go back to watching DVR-ed reruns of The Price is Right and planning their weekly yard sale run.

And then one lone voice appears in the comment thread to say something like "You mean you might have to trim your own hedges?  Thanks Obama!"  At that point, the unconditional Greek Chorus of Assholes attacks the lone sarcastic responder the way a group of wild dogs might attack a pork chop walking through the woods.  Because, you see, this person has gone outside of what they consider to be "Facebook etiquette."  Forget that Facebook was started and originated for college students, the most sarcastic and sardonic group of people on the planet.  Social networking has now been infiltrated by pockets of shut-ins and recently-unfrozen-from-their-Cryogenic-chambers fifties housewives, and so any sign of sass or attitude is immediately chastised the way a kindergarten teacher would scold one of their students for talking back.

And of course, at some point, the word "snark" rears its ugly head.

I want to stop here and sidetrack a little bit, but bear with me--

I was raised in a home where theatrics, temper tantrums, dramatic fits of sobbing and anger, and all other forms of histrionics or just plain old bad behavior, were dealt with in one way:

Teasing.

Now, I want to clarify that I don't mean teasing the way bullies tease.  It wasn't mean teasing.  It wasn't teasing about personal appearance or anything that would cause the person at the other end of the teasing to develop a condition.

I just mean good-natured teasing to let the person know they were either overreacting or out-of-line.

This had, what I consider to be, a two-pronged positive effect:

First, it made you step back and realize--Yeah, I am kind of being ridiculous, hence why everybody in this room is laughing at me right now.

Second, it made you laugh at yourself, because otherwise, you would get the worst label of them all--something far worse than whatever it was you were doing that brought on the initial bout of teasing--you were called "Somebody with No Sense of Humor."

That was the death knell.  That meant that yes, the teasing would stop, people would respect the fact that you were determined to keep carrying on, but it also meant that everyone was washing their hands of you for the time being, and it only took a few minutes--when you were presumably done throwing things against the wall--to realize that the cold shoulder is far worse than some light ribbing and the hug that immediately followed it.

What I'm trying to say is--"We kid because we love" was pretty much the motto of my family.

What's nice about growing up in a house like that is the fact that you do wind up with a decent sense of humor, environments like that frequently do produce funny people, and most of all, it causes you to have absolutely no tolerance for spinning, white-washing, or bullshitting.

Sometimes I feel like growing up that way was the equivalent of being raised by wolves.  I see someone write and post something like the gardening comment and I think "Wow.  My mom would have let you HAVE it."

By today's standards, my mother would be considered the snarkiest person on Earth.  When my mom was growing up, however, I don't think it was called "snark."  I think it was just called "telling it like it is" or "being upfront."  When did all of that suddenly get thrust under the umbrella of "snark?"  And why is it considered such a bad thing?

I realize that there are examples of somebody being snarky and effectively raining on a parade.  I've done it.  Somebody posts that they're happy their team won the World Series, and some asshole posts a comment about how they could care less about sports.  Yeah, I get how that's just being a downer.  Most of the time, however, what people consider to be "snark" and therefore negative, aren't really that at all--at least not the way they want it to be.

I hate to be the guy writing the "I remember when" post or the "what happened to ______ " post, but seriously, when did we all lose our sense of humor?  And when did everybody take a crash course in advertising?  Most of the people I know use their Facebook profiles like they're compiling some sort of life resume.  It's as if they think one day somebody is going to show up at their house and say "We looked at your Facebook and profile and we deem that you a successful person with a great life.  Here's a certificate, a sticker, and a new blender.  Well done."

And let's be clear about something--everything I'm talking about right now is stuff I've done.  I try to be on funny on Facebook so people will think I'm funny.  I put way too much thought into what my profile photo is.  I'm THRILLED when I'm the first person to share a link that everybody likes.  I am definitely part of the Facebook-is-taking-over-the-world problem.

That being said, the amount of bullshit I find on Facebook is staggering to me.  Sometimes I wonder if it's just me, or if people have always been this way and Facebook is just shining a light on it, but holy cow people, can we please tone down the self-promotion?

Let's play a game:  Imagine that whenever you "Like" something on Facebook, only you can see it.  The person whose picture, post, link you "Like" can't see it, which means you liking it means nothing to them.  They won't know that you think they look hot in their photo, or that you think they're funny, or that you're looking at their profile a lot because you might want to date them, work with them, be friends with them, etc.  You'd just be liking stuff to "Like" it, with no personal gain even possible.

How would that change how you behave online?

My friend and I joked once that a shirtless picture of a cute guy could get more Likes on Facebook that somebody posting that they just won the Nobel Prize--unless of course the person winning the Nobel Prize was attractive, in which case, the results might vary.

No matter how many times someone posts a link (and yes, I can already sense the irony here) about how psychologists have figured out that no matter how great your Facebook life is, your real life can still suck, people are still treating it like a personal billboard.  Facebook has become our generation's smoking habit--we know it's bad for us, but we just keep doing it anyway.

And so I see the snarky people as actually fulfilling a sort of duty--being whistle-blowers when it comes to the unbelievable amount of pretentiousness, exaggerations, and outright lies that are invading our culture.

When somebody says something outlandish, isn't it somebody's job to come back at them and say "You're being ridiculous?"  Okay, maybe "job" is the wrong word, but when did simply calling somebody out on either not telling the truth or spinning it like a top make the person advocating for the truth the bad guy?

And yes, we can get into one of these existential "whose truth" discussions, but I'd really rather not, because I'm only one cup of coffee in, and I simply don't have the strength.

Instead, can we talk about how this all ties into the lack of personal accountability everybody has these days?  I mean, if we're going to be crusaders for etiquette, why don't we crusade in the direction of not letting people off the hook?

Here's how I see this all tying together:

At some point in the recent past, everybody got together at some town hall meeting that a few of us weren't invited to and decided that rather than constantly getting in trouble for doing something wrong, it was decided that if you wanted to behave badly, you could and nobody would say anything as long as you didn't say anything if you saw someone else doing the same thing--sort of like mutually assured personal destruction.

So people started doing really awful shit--posting blatantly racist remarks on Twitter, dressing up in tasteless Halloween costumes, going out of their way to act ludicrous in the hopes of achieving some modicum of temporary fame.

And nobody said anything.

When somebody WOULD say something, they were called out for being "stringent" or "unfair."

So we had scenarios like this:

"Are you seriously getting mad at me for being an hour late to dinner?  I'm only human.  Relax."

"Ew, don't yell at me for not showing up.  I had other things to do.  I'm busy.  Ugh."

"Yeah, I screwed up, but can't you just let it go?  Don't be such a jerk."

Suddenly, just mentioning to people that they screwed up and not immediately letting them off the hook for it made you the Bad Guy.  And I mean Bad with a capital "B."

The law of the land was now this:  Act however you want and everybody else just has to deal with it.

Is it any wonder that most of us walk around these days thinking "Gee, I wonder why I hate most people?"  It's because most people have basically let themselves fall apart--behaviorally speaking, I mean.

We don't criticize people for intervening with addicts and alcoholics, or for agreeing with someone when they tell us they want to quit smoking.  As long as you fall into one of the still-agreed-upon categories of "Doing the Wrong Thing," it's okay to have opinions and speak up, but what about when somebody's just being obnoxious?  Imagine if you could have an intervention for that:

"Steve, you keep doing dumb shit, and we've had it.  We love and support you, but if you keep inflicting your stupidity on us, we're not going to hang out as much.  Okay?"

Wouldn't that be so refreshing?  And helpful to the obnoxious people themselves?

I've needed an intervention like that at least five times in the past year.  I was dying for somebody to tell me that I was being an asshole.  I suspected that I was, but then I'd go out into the world, where the "If You See Something, Say Something Behind Someone's Back" rule was in place, and I thought, Huh, maybe I'm not doing that bad after all?

I needed honesty.  I needed friendship.  I needed snark.

Thankfully, I have my mother for that--and a few good friends who don't really give a shit whether or not I like them, as long as I know they love me.

Why can't that attitude extend past our inner circles?  Why can't we--and here I go bringing it back around to my initial point--just say the damn truth?

And yes, sometimes it has to be sarcastic, because I've always felt that the truth goes down easier if you can make the person laugh while you're pointing out that they're being a numbskull.  And also, because sometimes kindness in and of itself doesn't work.

When I was little, I remember a specific instance where I kept running out into the street.  My mom asked me nicely the first time not to do it.  Then she asked me a little less nicely the second time.  The third time she said "If you keep running out into the street, I'm going to rip your legs off and beat you with them."  I laughed, but I also got the point.  That's why really good stand-up comedians feel like modern-day prophets (See: George Carlin) because they make you laugh, but they also make you get the point.

So let's dial back on using the word "snark" or at least change the way we view it and its purpose.  Let's appeal that ruling that says everybody just gets a free pass to say and do whatever they want without somebody else having the freedom to chime in and say "Well, you certainly have a right to do/say/think that, but here's why you're an idiot."

At a time when we're being lied to constantly--by the media, the talking heads, pretty much anybody who has ever held office in New Jersey--why aren't we fighting back by praising people who are willing to tell us the truth--no matter what form it comes in?

I honestly worry that what we're going to wind up with is a culture without criticism, or basic feedback of any kind, without conversation, without dissent, or even free speech.  If every time somebody says something we don't like, our response is to shout them down, are we really creating an environment we want to live in?  Especially if we're shouting down the truth--just because it might be ugly or uncomfortable?

The last time I made an argument like this online, somebody fired back at me with "Well it's not your job to be the one always telling the truth."

Good point, but I sort of thought that was everybody's job.

Isn't it?