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I Made Too Many Resolutions

I do this every year.

New Year's Day rolls around and I have a list of things I want to accomplish by the end of the year.

This year, I've upped the ante even more because I'm turning thirty in July, and I want to make sure I'm a fully-formed human being by then who can compose symphonies and bake a perfect upside down cake.

(How old was Mozart when he was universally declared a genius?  He was three-years-old, right?  No pressure though, no pressure.)

So what did my list include this year?

Here's a sample:

1.  Learn French
2.  Run a marathon
3.  Watch every episode of Wings (There are about eight hundred and they're all terrible, but Netflix makes everything look enticing.)
4.  Figure out what foods are killing you and stop eating them (So far everybody agrees that eating cheese for dinner every night is a bad idea, so fuck this resolution.  Fuck it to hell.)
5.  Convince someone to buy me a miniature pig.
6.  Watch The Returned without the subtitles because now you know French!  (Backing yourself into a corner always works out, except when it doesn't, and then you just talk shit about yourself to all your friends.)
7.  Run a triathlon.
8.  Learn which is longer--a marathon or a triathlon.
9.  Learn to play the piano.
10.  Learn to play everything Billy Joel's ever written from memory.  Even the really arty stuff that nobody likes.
11.  Open a piano bar in a small town in the Midwest and have wacky adventures with the local townfolk.
12.  Stop watching Storage Wars.  Seriously Kevin, you're rotting your damn mind out.
13.  Buy a storage locker.  Just one though.  You might find a million dollars.
14.  Go running everyday...or just walk really quickly everywhere you go.
15.  Win an Peabody Award.  (I'm not sure who they give those to, but I bet I deserve one.)
16.  Stop biting your nails.
17.  Read a book that doesn't have the word "Unauthorized" in the title.
18.  Repeat After Me:  The Bacon Bowl is a sham.  It can't possibly work.  Do not order seventeen of them.  You shouldn't even be eating that much bacon anyway.  Kevin, put down the phone!

Pretty soon, it's March, and I feel bad about myself.

I have no fingernails, I don't know French, and I haven't left the house in two days because it's the Storage Wars Season Four Marathon Weekend and I can't remember if the autographed Basic Instinct poster is worth any money.

I know I should make fewer resolutions, but there's just so much I want to do and none of it is good for me.  Maybe if cheese and bacon were as awesome as running marathons, everything would be great.  If only resolutions didn't require will power, commitment, and self-awareness, I'd be golden.

Oh well, there's always next year.

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