During the month of December, in an effort to be full of joy and light, I refrained from posting anything snarky on Facebook.
As a result--and I don't want to be too melodramatic about this, but--I nearly exploded.
The amount of nonsense and tomfoolery I wasn't able to respond to because I was trying to stay positive and only put out good vibes seemed to run rampant. It was like every idiot in the world (and by "every idiot in the world" I mean people I've chosen to be friends with on Facebook) knew I was out of commission and decided to double down on their bullshit.
That being said, I liked having my Facebook free of neverending threads where people would argue and accuse me of being devoid of humanity (simply because I hate Avatar) or regretful posts that I put up before having my fourth coffee of the day. Part of me wanted to keep the happy times in place.
But where could I put all that built-up angst and fury so I wouldn't develop an ulcer?
I often say I wish I had an evil twin who could say all the things I want to say and not care when people get mad at him for it. The problem with me is that even though I have a big mouth and an opinion about everything, I also hate it when people are mad at me, and these two things do not coexist peacefully within my psyche.
The solution?
Twitter.
Yes, I've had a Twitter account for some time, but I don't really use it. I know all the kids are fleeing Facebook these days and that Twitter is becoming more and more popular. I know celebrities use it. I know that I only sound old when I say things like "Where can I see all my retweets?" but I don't care. Twitter and I just never really clicked. It was like that guy at the party who you talk to when you see them at parties but who you would never hang out with one-on-one. I accepted the fact that Twitter had to be in my life, but I didn't have to engage it on a regular basis...
...That is, until I discovered that Twitter was the perfect place for my Snarky Side to reside.
For one thing, everyone's an asshole on Twitter.
I'm serious. Go on Twitter right now. You will find a regular beggar's banquet of douchebags and morons. Why do you think celebrities love it so much? They can be as awful as they want, and nobody really cares because Twitter is just one long strand of crazy-talk.
Secondly, I don't have that many Followers on Twitter. Only my actual friends, and they won't care what I say. I've never tried to up my Follower count, even though I know that how many Followers you have is one day going to be the equivalent of how many Likes you can get when you post a shirtless photo. I recognize that one day it will be essential for me to up my popularity on Twitter, but for right now, I'm pretty anonymous, and I like it that way.
Thirdly, if anybody does take offense to something I say, at least having a fight on Twitter is more fun than having a fight on Facebook, because then it's a feud, and getting into a Twitter feud will make me feel just like Kirstie Alley, and that's pretty much my version of Nirvana. I don't even know how you fight with more than one person on Twitter, but it might not even be possible, which is fantastic. No more threads where my third cousin joins in to tell me he voted for Ron Paul when I'm fighting with somebody about whether or not The Walking Dead is sucking so far this season (it isn't, but it really could have if--Never mind, let's move on.)
So if you're looking for me, I'm on Facebook, and I exist in real life. And both those guys are reasonably pleasant and easy to talk to.
But if you want to visit the dark recesses of my innermost bitch, head to Twitter.
Personally, I think the Twitter Me is a lot funnier than Facebook/Real Life Me, but to be honest, I'm not sure I'd invite him over for dinner.
As a result--and I don't want to be too melodramatic about this, but--I nearly exploded.
The amount of nonsense and tomfoolery I wasn't able to respond to because I was trying to stay positive and only put out good vibes seemed to run rampant. It was like every idiot in the world (and by "every idiot in the world" I mean people I've chosen to be friends with on Facebook) knew I was out of commission and decided to double down on their bullshit.
That being said, I liked having my Facebook free of neverending threads where people would argue and accuse me of being devoid of humanity (simply because I hate Avatar) or regretful posts that I put up before having my fourth coffee of the day. Part of me wanted to keep the happy times in place.
But where could I put all that built-up angst and fury so I wouldn't develop an ulcer?
I often say I wish I had an evil twin who could say all the things I want to say and not care when people get mad at him for it. The problem with me is that even though I have a big mouth and an opinion about everything, I also hate it when people are mad at me, and these two things do not coexist peacefully within my psyche.
The solution?
Twitter.
Yes, I've had a Twitter account for some time, but I don't really use it. I know all the kids are fleeing Facebook these days and that Twitter is becoming more and more popular. I know celebrities use it. I know that I only sound old when I say things like "Where can I see all my retweets?" but I don't care. Twitter and I just never really clicked. It was like that guy at the party who you talk to when you see them at parties but who you would never hang out with one-on-one. I accepted the fact that Twitter had to be in my life, but I didn't have to engage it on a regular basis...
...That is, until I discovered that Twitter was the perfect place for my Snarky Side to reside.
For one thing, everyone's an asshole on Twitter.
I'm serious. Go on Twitter right now. You will find a regular beggar's banquet of douchebags and morons. Why do you think celebrities love it so much? They can be as awful as they want, and nobody really cares because Twitter is just one long strand of crazy-talk.
Secondly, I don't have that many Followers on Twitter. Only my actual friends, and they won't care what I say. I've never tried to up my Follower count, even though I know that how many Followers you have is one day going to be the equivalent of how many Likes you can get when you post a shirtless photo. I recognize that one day it will be essential for me to up my popularity on Twitter, but for right now, I'm pretty anonymous, and I like it that way.
Thirdly, if anybody does take offense to something I say, at least having a fight on Twitter is more fun than having a fight on Facebook, because then it's a feud, and getting into a Twitter feud will make me feel just like Kirstie Alley, and that's pretty much my version of Nirvana. I don't even know how you fight with more than one person on Twitter, but it might not even be possible, which is fantastic. No more threads where my third cousin joins in to tell me he voted for Ron Paul when I'm fighting with somebody about whether or not The Walking Dead is sucking so far this season (it isn't, but it really could have if--Never mind, let's move on.)
So if you're looking for me, I'm on Facebook, and I exist in real life. And both those guys are reasonably pleasant and easy to talk to.
But if you want to visit the dark recesses of my innermost bitch, head to Twitter.
Personally, I think the Twitter Me is a lot funnier than Facebook/Real Life Me, but to be honest, I'm not sure I'd invite him over for dinner.
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