This year I decided to try and keep all my negativity and angst off Facebook and put it somewhere more useful--like Twitter and blogs that nobody reads.
But, like a sheriff who goes on vacation only to come back and find out his town has been taken over by gay whores, I now find that since I've chosen not to call anybody out on their bullshit, my Facebook has indeed been taken over by--you guessed it--gay whores.
And in the true gay tradition of not communicating things face-to-face, I'm going to, instead, write this list of things the gays on Facebook need to stop doing, and then passive aggressively post it hoping the queens I'm talking about will give it a rest, but knowing full well they won't, and I'm probably not even going to unfriend or hide any of them because I need something to complain about or I won't live (I'm like a fish swimming in a bitter ocean. If I don't suck in stupidity and breathe it out as anger, I die--or something.)
So let's begin:
10. Stop Friending Twelve-Year-Old Boys Or Boys Who Look Twelve-Years-Old
If I see one more forty-something gay guy commenting on a status that a college freshman put up, I'm going to scream. Yes, you can be friends with people younger than you, but the minute an emoticon enters the picture, everybody knows you're looking to bone. I have no idea how some of you guys are meeting people who aren't old enough to get into bars anyway (cough cough ShadyAppsMa.com cough cough) but seriously, cool it. If they look like the lost member of One Direction, you should not be friends with them on Facebook.
9. Stop Posting Photos of Half-Naked Guys
First of all, it's not just uncomfortable for the rest of us to find out who's currently residing in your spank bank. Second of all, if you want to build your own online porn palace, create a Tumblr or whatever the hell sex junkies use nowadays. Thirdly, it's really just sad because most of the time the pictures you're posting are of guys you'd never have any chance with, so it would be the equivalent of me posting a pile of money with three pugs sitting on top of it. It's just sad.
8. Stop Calling Out Bitches in Your Statuses
"Some bitches think they can get the best of me. Bitches, you can't get the best of me. Thanks for trying though. Shit dawg, keep hating on me and see what happens." First of all, you're white and you live in West Warwick. I don't mean to generalize, but almost 110% of the time, the people putting up these statuses are talking about the fight they got into with their personal trainer about how much time they spend going tanning. In general, just cut out the vague aggressive statuses all together. If you're going to be mad on Facebook, at least name-drop so the rest of us can enjoy the fireworks when the bitch you're talking about calls you a Human Cheeto.
7. IF YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT GLEE LIKE ITS THE ENGLISH PATIENT I'M GOING TO BLOW MY BRAINS OUT.
(I think that about sums it up.)
6. For the Love of God, Have Somebody Else Take Pictures of You
Selfies are one of those mysterious things that everybody agrees are dumb and yet don't seem to be going away--like The Bachelor or iced coffee in February. I get that you gays have to have a new profile picture every two hours, but would it kill you to find a friend to take a photo of you? Also, up until a few years ago, taking a photo of yourself after just having peed in a public restroom would have been considered tacky. Can we bring that mindset back please? Let's make that a 2014 Universal Resolution. I'm putting it on the Vision Board.
5. Here's A Quick Way to Tell If You're an Alcoholic
If every photo posted of you involves you holding a drink in a dimly lit bar OR holding a drink without pants on in a dimly lit bar, you might be an alcoholic. Just keep that in mind.
4. "Liking" Something is Not A Way to Telegraph To That Person That You Want to Sleep with Them
When a twenty-year-old with a six pack whose profile photo is him on Fire Island in a speedo posts a status about how much he likes puppies and he gets 558 Likes, it's clearly not because all those people vehemently agree that puppies are awesome. It's because they all want to bone him. He knows it, they know it, and the Universe weeps. Try only "Like"-ing stuff you actually "Like." Seriously, it will change your life.
3. Stop Posting Links About Assholes Who Hate Gay People
You're only giving those assholes attention, which is all they wanted in the first place. Nobody is unaware of the fact that there are assholes in the world, and the best thing you can do to people like that is ignore them. Trust me, I'm someone who needs constant attention--I know of what I speak.
2. Pretend Your Facebook is Being Monitored by A Lady from Elizabethan England--Now Post.
Seriously, this works. Every time you're about to post something, imagine a stuffy woman in a corset sitting next to you at the computer, and think about the look on her face when you tell her what it is you're about to say. If she passes out onto her fainting couch, think again. This, by the way, is how I make all decisions in my life.
1. Not Everything Can Be "Everything."
I think it's great when people are passionate about things, but when everybody is passionate about everything, passion sort of becomes "eh, it was okay." (See #7 and then STOP IT). You can't be "obsessed" with everything, or "dying" at everything, or say everything is "everything." It's okay to just be mildly pleased with something, or think it's great, or just say "Yeah, that was nice." But when you show the same level of enthusiasm for Beyonce's new album as you do for finding a dollar on the ground (DYING! Buying gum. Obsessed with this dollar!) It becomes hard to take your recommendations seriously.
So gays, if you could begin following any of all of these rules, I'd really appreciate it. Maybe integrate one every week, until it starts to come as second nature.
Personally, I'd start with #7, but hey, I don't want to tell you what to do.
But, like a sheriff who goes on vacation only to come back and find out his town has been taken over by gay whores, I now find that since I've chosen not to call anybody out on their bullshit, my Facebook has indeed been taken over by--you guessed it--gay whores.
And in the true gay tradition of not communicating things face-to-face, I'm going to, instead, write this list of things the gays on Facebook need to stop doing, and then passive aggressively post it hoping the queens I'm talking about will give it a rest, but knowing full well they won't, and I'm probably not even going to unfriend or hide any of them because I need something to complain about or I won't live (I'm like a fish swimming in a bitter ocean. If I don't suck in stupidity and breathe it out as anger, I die--or something.)
So let's begin:
10. Stop Friending Twelve-Year-Old Boys Or Boys Who Look Twelve-Years-Old
If I see one more forty-something gay guy commenting on a status that a college freshman put up, I'm going to scream. Yes, you can be friends with people younger than you, but the minute an emoticon enters the picture, everybody knows you're looking to bone. I have no idea how some of you guys are meeting people who aren't old enough to get into bars anyway (cough cough ShadyAppsMa.com cough cough) but seriously, cool it. If they look like the lost member of One Direction, you should not be friends with them on Facebook.
9. Stop Posting Photos of Half-Naked Guys
First of all, it's not just uncomfortable for the rest of us to find out who's currently residing in your spank bank. Second of all, if you want to build your own online porn palace, create a Tumblr or whatever the hell sex junkies use nowadays. Thirdly, it's really just sad because most of the time the pictures you're posting are of guys you'd never have any chance with, so it would be the equivalent of me posting a pile of money with three pugs sitting on top of it. It's just sad.
8. Stop Calling Out Bitches in Your Statuses
"Some bitches think they can get the best of me. Bitches, you can't get the best of me. Thanks for trying though. Shit dawg, keep hating on me and see what happens." First of all, you're white and you live in West Warwick. I don't mean to generalize, but almost 110% of the time, the people putting up these statuses are talking about the fight they got into with their personal trainer about how much time they spend going tanning. In general, just cut out the vague aggressive statuses all together. If you're going to be mad on Facebook, at least name-drop so the rest of us can enjoy the fireworks when the bitch you're talking about calls you a Human Cheeto.
7. IF YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT GLEE LIKE ITS THE ENGLISH PATIENT I'M GOING TO BLOW MY BRAINS OUT.
(I think that about sums it up.)
6. For the Love of God, Have Somebody Else Take Pictures of You
Selfies are one of those mysterious things that everybody agrees are dumb and yet don't seem to be going away--like The Bachelor or iced coffee in February. I get that you gays have to have a new profile picture every two hours, but would it kill you to find a friend to take a photo of you? Also, up until a few years ago, taking a photo of yourself after just having peed in a public restroom would have been considered tacky. Can we bring that mindset back please? Let's make that a 2014 Universal Resolution. I'm putting it on the Vision Board.
5. Here's A Quick Way to Tell If You're an Alcoholic
If every photo posted of you involves you holding a drink in a dimly lit bar OR holding a drink without pants on in a dimly lit bar, you might be an alcoholic. Just keep that in mind.
4. "Liking" Something is Not A Way to Telegraph To That Person That You Want to Sleep with Them
When a twenty-year-old with a six pack whose profile photo is him on Fire Island in a speedo posts a status about how much he likes puppies and he gets 558 Likes, it's clearly not because all those people vehemently agree that puppies are awesome. It's because they all want to bone him. He knows it, they know it, and the Universe weeps. Try only "Like"-ing stuff you actually "Like." Seriously, it will change your life.
3. Stop Posting Links About Assholes Who Hate Gay People
You're only giving those assholes attention, which is all they wanted in the first place. Nobody is unaware of the fact that there are assholes in the world, and the best thing you can do to people like that is ignore them. Trust me, I'm someone who needs constant attention--I know of what I speak.
2. Pretend Your Facebook is Being Monitored by A Lady from Elizabethan England--Now Post.
Seriously, this works. Every time you're about to post something, imagine a stuffy woman in a corset sitting next to you at the computer, and think about the look on her face when you tell her what it is you're about to say. If she passes out onto her fainting couch, think again. This, by the way, is how I make all decisions in my life.
1. Not Everything Can Be "Everything."
I think it's great when people are passionate about things, but when everybody is passionate about everything, passion sort of becomes "eh, it was okay." (See #7 and then STOP IT). You can't be "obsessed" with everything, or "dying" at everything, or say everything is "everything." It's okay to just be mildly pleased with something, or think it's great, or just say "Yeah, that was nice." But when you show the same level of enthusiasm for Beyonce's new album as you do for finding a dollar on the ground (DYING! Buying gum. Obsessed with this dollar!) It becomes hard to take your recommendations seriously.
So gays, if you could begin following any of all of these rules, I'd really appreciate it. Maybe integrate one every week, until it starts to come as second nature.
Personally, I'd start with #7, but hey, I don't want to tell you what to do.
Comments
Post a Comment