I have to say, I always fall for this--
Somebody posts a list of things that will, allegedly, improve my life.
Now that it's a new year, people have ramped up posting this kind of stuff.
"28 Things to Do Differently in 2014"
"14 Things You Should Have Done in 2013"
"800 Things to Do Before February If You Want to Have a Fulfilling Life"
Can we please put a moratorium on these lists?
Because, here's the thing:
I always click on the link, thinking the list will give me clues to a secret treasure that's buried somewhere underneath the Lincoln Memorial, like that movie with Nicolas Cage that was really just The Da Vinci Code for people who didn't want to read the book or see the movie based on the book, or people who just really prefer to see all stories acted out by Nicolas Cage.
Instead I get stuff like this--
"Be mindful."
Kids, I'm going to admit something--I don't have a f#$king clue what "mindful" means. I mean, I kind of do--sort of--the way I know what physics is, but, in much the same way, I have no clue how to do it. Achieve it. Whatever.
Most of these lists also include things that only rich people can do. And I know that "living in the moment" and "meditating" aren't strictly for rich people, but if you're broke, there's a good chance the moment you're living in sucks, so why be "mindful" of it?
You see where I'm going with this?
My favorite is this one:
"Travel."
And just when you're about to say--"I can't afford to travel"--the list inevitably tells you that, Yes, yes you can. You can travel. There are cheap ways to travel and you need to travel now, while you're young, not later, when you're older, and presumably (hopefully, but honesty, probably not really) you'll be able to afford to travel.
Traveling is the Catch-22 of life--you can't afford to do it when you should do it and when you can afford to, who the f#$k feels like it? I don't feel like hiking through European mountain ranges now, so chances are, at forty, I'm going to feel much the same way.
When they say "Travel" and "Travel cheap," they mean hostels (like the kind from the horror movies where people are brutally murdered), backpacking (like the kids do who wind up on Dateline when they're kidnapped and sold into human trafficking rings), and hitchhiking (need I say more?).
I realize that if you have to make up a list of ways for people to be happy and you don't happen to know where a hidden treasure is buried, then you would have to fill it with vague suggestions and guru-speak, but it's still doing the world a disservice--and by the world, I mean me and anybody else who spends more than twelve hours a day on Facebook. You're ruining our incredibly satisfying lives, you list-makers.
Let's look at some more of this life-changing advice:
1. Understand what it is that will make you happy.
Fame. Fame and money. Although I assume money would come with the fame, so let's just say Fame. Great. Is Step Two about getting fame?
2. Make a plan for achieving your goals.
Wait, aren't you supposed to make the plan for me? You're the one with the list. I already gave you my goals. Where's the Fame? Where's the treasure? Do I need to call Nicolas Cage?
3. Surround yourself with positive, happy people.
Okay, here's the thing--Everybody thinks they're doing this even when they're not. This is like saying to someone--Don't date an asshole. It seems obvious, but the people who aren't doing it don't know that they're not doing it, so it's pointless to suggest something like this. You may as well say 'Don't develop a drinking problem' or 'Don't have regrettable sex.' I mean, you can try to avoid it, but the statistics are not on your side.
4. Make the best of things.
Here's that little caveat in any list where the list-maker acknowledges that you're poor and your life is sad, and this is the best he/she/the Devil can do to help you out. 'Hey, things suck, but make the best of it.' Dude, if I knew how to make the best of it, would I need your f#$king list? I don't need to make the best of it--I need to be helped OUT of it. Duh. Who gave you this job?
5. Spend time thinking about what makes you happy.
Okay, but what should I do during the other twenty-three hours and fifty-eight minutes of the day? Any suggestions for that little chunk of time?
6. Meditate.
I guess I should have seen that coming.
Somebody posts a list of things that will, allegedly, improve my life.
Now that it's a new year, people have ramped up posting this kind of stuff.
"28 Things to Do Differently in 2014"
"14 Things You Should Have Done in 2013"
"800 Things to Do Before February If You Want to Have a Fulfilling Life"
Can we please put a moratorium on these lists?
Because, here's the thing:
I always click on the link, thinking the list will give me clues to a secret treasure that's buried somewhere underneath the Lincoln Memorial, like that movie with Nicolas Cage that was really just The Da Vinci Code for people who didn't want to read the book or see the movie based on the book, or people who just really prefer to see all stories acted out by Nicolas Cage.
Instead I get stuff like this--
"Be mindful."
Kids, I'm going to admit something--I don't have a f#$king clue what "mindful" means. I mean, I kind of do--sort of--the way I know what physics is, but, in much the same way, I have no clue how to do it. Achieve it. Whatever.
Most of these lists also include things that only rich people can do. And I know that "living in the moment" and "meditating" aren't strictly for rich people, but if you're broke, there's a good chance the moment you're living in sucks, so why be "mindful" of it?
You see where I'm going with this?
My favorite is this one:
"Travel."
And just when you're about to say--"I can't afford to travel"--the list inevitably tells you that, Yes, yes you can. You can travel. There are cheap ways to travel and you need to travel now, while you're young, not later, when you're older, and presumably (hopefully, but honesty, probably not really) you'll be able to afford to travel.
Traveling is the Catch-22 of life--you can't afford to do it when you should do it and when you can afford to, who the f#$k feels like it? I don't feel like hiking through European mountain ranges now, so chances are, at forty, I'm going to feel much the same way.
When they say "Travel" and "Travel cheap," they mean hostels (like the kind from the horror movies where people are brutally murdered), backpacking (like the kids do who wind up on Dateline when they're kidnapped and sold into human trafficking rings), and hitchhiking (need I say more?).
I realize that if you have to make up a list of ways for people to be happy and you don't happen to know where a hidden treasure is buried, then you would have to fill it with vague suggestions and guru-speak, but it's still doing the world a disservice--and by the world, I mean me and anybody else who spends more than twelve hours a day on Facebook. You're ruining our incredibly satisfying lives, you list-makers.
Let's look at some more of this life-changing advice:
1. Understand what it is that will make you happy.
Fame. Fame and money. Although I assume money would come with the fame, so let's just say Fame. Great. Is Step Two about getting fame?
2. Make a plan for achieving your goals.
Wait, aren't you supposed to make the plan for me? You're the one with the list. I already gave you my goals. Where's the Fame? Where's the treasure? Do I need to call Nicolas Cage?
3. Surround yourself with positive, happy people.
Okay, here's the thing--Everybody thinks they're doing this even when they're not. This is like saying to someone--Don't date an asshole. It seems obvious, but the people who aren't doing it don't know that they're not doing it, so it's pointless to suggest something like this. You may as well say 'Don't develop a drinking problem' or 'Don't have regrettable sex.' I mean, you can try to avoid it, but the statistics are not on your side.
4. Make the best of things.
Here's that little caveat in any list where the list-maker acknowledges that you're poor and your life is sad, and this is the best he/she/the Devil can do to help you out. 'Hey, things suck, but make the best of it.' Dude, if I knew how to make the best of it, would I need your f#$king list? I don't need to make the best of it--I need to be helped OUT of it. Duh. Who gave you this job?
5. Spend time thinking about what makes you happy.
Okay, but what should I do during the other twenty-three hours and fifty-eight minutes of the day? Any suggestions for that little chunk of time?
6. Meditate.
I guess I should have seen that coming.
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