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Jupiter Ascending

I realize it’s pretty early in 2015, but I truly can’t imagine a worse movie than Jupiter Ascending opening in the next ten months.

This movie is like Battlefield Earth without—No, actually, it’s just like Battlefield Earth.  It is a hot mess of a movie that is also totally unfocused featuring career-low performances from just about everybody associated with it.

The script reads like something a fifth grader would write if he tried his hand at penning a Blade Runner sequel.

Eddie Redmayne turns in a performance so bad, I almost have to wonder if we should ever allow him to be on film again at the risk of something this bad happening again.

Channing Tatum looks even more confused than he normally does in this movie, probably because there are aliens, reptilian aliens, magical bees, werewolves, rollerblading on air, immortal aliens, stem-cell researching aliens, pop-up spacesuits, and more double-crossing and backstabbing than an episode of Big Brother.

At a certain point, you feel yourself letting go of logic the way a drowning person might let go of their last air bubble.  You stop trying ot make sense of anything you’re seeing and instead just stare ahead at the screen wondering what the hell all of it is supposed to mean.  For a second, that feeling is almost enjoyable, and then Eddie Redmayne appears onscreen again doing what can only be described as the worst impersonation of Tim Curry doing an impersonation of Robert Pattinson.

Yes, it’s that bad.  And I can’t believe I have to wait until next year’s Razzies to give it the attention it deserves.

I’d say go see it just for the humor of it, but…honestly, just watch Battlefield Earth.  It might actually be the better movie of the two.

(Yup, it’s that bad.)

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