The Order in Which I Would Fire Every Performer on SNL and Why and When Can We Start?

Before you read this, you should know that I have never been a lifelong SNL hater.

Far from it.

I have very fond memories of watching SNL in high school, back when people who loved it in the 70’s were assuring the nation that it was utter garbage.

Well, if the Will Farrell/Molly Shannon days were garbage, then I’m not sure what you would call what we have now.

Unfortunately, the ratings are still stellar, and like it or not, SNL is an institution.  It’s our established go-to for satire in America, and so we have a duty to fix it.

My idea?

Clean house.

Toss the entire cast out on the street—even the good ones—and pick a fresh batch of talent.

What about Lorne?

He’s got to go.  I appreciate all he’s done, but it’s a new time in America, and a cultural staple this important should not be presided over by a straight white guy.

So here’s my list of who I would fire on SNL and why, starting with people I really don’t want to fire, and ending with the person I would relegate to a midnight talk show on the Home Depot Channel.

Let’s begin—

16.  Kate McKinnon

She’s the heart and soul of the show at the moment.  If I could keep anyone, I would keep her, but I stand by my argument that the show needs a total reset, and she needs her own half hour on HBO, so it’s probably for the best.

15.  Cecily Strong

Another long-standing cast member, but one who is severely underrated.  Why they ever took her off Weekend Update, I’ll never know, but she’s being wasted right now.  Set her free.

14.  Aidy Bryant

She gets better and better every year, and I feel like she should have broken out by now if the show was using her correctly, but because it’s Testosterone City right now, we have that same old pattern of the strongest performers on it being women and getting writing that doesn’t play to that.  Sorry Aidy.

13.  Kyle Mooney

I think Kyle Mooney is one of the most interesting voices working in comedy today, and like the other people at the tail end of this list, he deserves much better than what he’s getting right now.  As far as I can tell, he’s the only person on the show willing to take risks or just be weird.  Give him a show on FX and watch him soar.

12.  Chris Redd

Redd hasn’t been on the show that long, but I think he’s got incredible potential.  He’s already shown a distinct point of view that sets him apart from his other castmates and makes every sketch he’s in way more interesting.  Pair him up with Kyle on that FX show I’m producing for them in my mind, and let’s keep the purge going.

11.  Heidi Gardner

Pretty much everything I said about Redd.  Her Boxer’s Girlfriend is one of my favorite things on the show at the moment, even if it is being milked way past its prime.  I’d love to give her two more years, but a purge is a purge, so she’s gotta go.

10.  Ego Nwodim

She’s high up on the list, because she just joined this season and already seems leagues better than people who’ve been on the show for years.  Maybe I would let her stick around and just give everyone else the—No, no.  Stick to your plan, Kevin.  They all have to go.

9.  Alex Moffat

I’m putting him at #9 because Eric Trump makes me laugh every damn time, and I will be (oddly) sorry to see him go—either because I get rid of Moffat, or because Eric gets thrown in jail.

8.  Beck Bennett

Bennett used to be one of the most talented guys on the show, and then he got jacked, and now he has that lazy smugness that only really famous, attractive guys can have.  This is part of SNL’s problem.  It needs to be run by misfits and losers to be effective, and right now, it’s run by the jocks who took over the drama club and forced the teacher to let them do a Fallout Boy musical.

7.  Leslie Jones

I love Leslie Jones.  I really do.  But until SNL finally gives up this “fly by the seat of our pants” notion and actually rehearses things, she’s not going to be able to excel.  The biggest ability you need as a performer on this show is being able to read cue cards without making it look like you’re reading cue cards, and she can’t do it.  It kills her timing and makes it impossible for her to land a joke.  I’m sorry, but she’s gotta go.

6.  Mikey Day

Clearly everybody really likes Day, because he’s in every damn sketch every week and it’s tiring.  He’s fine.  I mean, he’s the definition of fine.  He’s not really funny, but he does a decent job of playing the straight man most of the time.  But he’s also just—bland.  If you think, as I do, that SNL has become a bit of a Boys Club, then it make sense why he’s always got a spotlight on him.  He’s that guy that gets into plays because people like drinking with him after rehearsal.  Bye.

5.  Kenan Thompson

Many people have overstayed their welcome over the years, but not since Darrell Hammond has anybody overstayed longer than Kenan Thompson.  And that’s incredible to me seeing as how he has literally never gotten any funnier than when he was on All That.  The fact that anybody from All That made it to SNL and that it wasn’t Lori Beth Denberg proves the show needs an overhaul.  It’s.  Time.  To.  Go.

4.  Melissa Villaseñor

It’s possible that they just don’t know how to use her and that she’s actually very funny, but like David Miscavige’s wife, there’s been no proof of life for years now.  On a show with such strong female performers, she clearly can’t hold her own.

3.  Michael Che

How someone who can’t land a joke and looks as though they’re always five minutes away from falling asleep got on the F***ing Weekend Update desk is beyond me.  Every delivery is the same.  Same rhythm, same monotone, same—sorry now I’m falling asleep.  He is woefully unfunny, and like all the best not-funny people on SNL, he clearly thinks he’s HILARIOUS.  Don’t let the door hit you, buddy.

2.  Colin Jost

I actually wouldn’t totally enjoy firing the number one person on my list for reasons I’ll get into, but man would I love to fire Jost.  Has there ever been a clearer example of someone ascending to the highest ranks based on their looks and literally nothing else?  The fact that they used to be Head Writer tells you everything you need to know about how bad things have gotten.  The guy who looks like he’d steal your girlfriend from you should not be in charge of the show that once produced Church Lady and Gilda Radner.  I know we’re all nostalgic for the past, but nobody was asking for the modern-day Chevy Chase.  Send him packing.

1.  Pete Davidson

Okay, so this one is a little tricky, but I’m going to help you out here, America.

Repeat after me:

It is totally fine to wish Pete Davidson well with his mental health and not believe that he has a right to hijack the cultural conversation every time he wants to reignite his Instagram.

Having a huge platform is great for mental health awareness, but I'm not sure it's always great for an individual's mental health.  The fact that SNL uses the ups and downs of Davidson's life to squeeze out some ratings is gross.  It's just gross.

Firing him wouldn't so much be a punishment as a gift to him, because while I think he's talented enough to have a creative outlet, this shouldn't be it.

So that's my list.

And in the event they fire all sixteen of these people, I have a list of sixteen ready to go, and I'm fifteen of them, so NBC, give me a call.