We haven’t even officially started the Democratic primary yet and I already know what my least favorite narrative is going to be--
Wow, Look at All These Democrats Running!
F--- off with that.
Do you think we don’t have Google?
Do you think we don’t (sadly) remember 2016?
Do you think we’re just going to let you hand us that story and--
Oh, yup. Apparently, we are.
Because I’m already seeing liberals, progressives, and god-knows-what-else-we’re-f---ing-calling-ourselves these days talking about how many people there are in the race.
Everybody, listen to me--
Who.
F---ing.
Cares.
You know why we have so many people running for the Democratic nomination?
Because there’s a crazy person in the White House and people want to get him the f--- out of there before he kills us all.
Why is that so hard to understand?
And why are we making fun of people for wanting to serve?
Especially when most of them are VIABLE F---ING CANDIDATES?
I’m not going to get into a debate about whether we should pick apart the Democratic hopefuls now or wait until the official start of primary season to start calling each other f---ing morons on social media.
No, I’d like to use my censored curse words for a higher purpose.
I’m going to remind you which GOP a--holes were running against Comrade POTUS in 2016 so we can all have a little more perspective.
Here’s the line-up:
Not sure if Biden is for you? Remember Mike Huckabee? Father of Hellmouth Spokeswoman Sarah “You’ve Got to Be F---king Kidding Me” Sanders? He once said “You know, in my hometown of Hope, Arkansas, the three sacred heroes were Jesus, Elvis, and FDR, not necessarily in that order.”
Swell.
Have some issues with Senator Harris? Don’t forget about Rick Santorum. He said he met people who used to be gay, but aren’t anymore. And he’s not talking about any of my exes, although I guess he could be. He also compared homosexuality to bestiality, although he softened on that when he realized that the person who was probably going to clinch the nomination has absolutely f---ed at least half a farm.
Don’t like Senator Booker? He probably won’t seem as bad when you stand him next to Bobby Jindal, who wrote a f---ing manifesto.
Sidenote: You want to know if somebody is a nutbag? Have they written a manifesto? If the answer is yes, then they’re a f---ing nutbag.
In Jindal’s Jam (what I’m calling his grand f---ing opus) he wrote: Because the left wants: The government to explode; to pay everyone; to hire everyone; they believe that money grows on trees; the earth is flat; the industrial age, factory-style government is a cool new thing; debts don’t have to be repaid; people of faith are ignorant and uneducated; unborn babies don’t matter; pornography is fine; traditional marriage is discriminatory; 32 oz. sodas are evil; red meat should be rationed; rich people are evil unless they are from Hollywood or are liberal Democrats; the Israelis are unreasonable; trans-fat must be stopped; kids trapped in failing schools should be patient; wild weather is a new thing; moral standards are passé; government run health care is high quality; the IRS should violate our constitutional rights; reporters should be spied on; Benghazi was handled well; the Second Amendment is outdated; and the First one has some problems too.
Booker doesn’t sound half bad now, does he?
Oh, you heard that Senator Klobuchar treats interns poorly? Remember when Governor Christie shut down a f---ing bridge because he didn’t get an endorsement from a small-town mayor in New f---ing Jersey? And he was one of the more SENSIBLE picks.
Worried things might get a little contentious between Senator Warren and Beto O’Rourke at a debate? Never fear! I’m here to take you back to 2016 when Senators Cruz and Rubio started yelling Spanish at each other to see who had a better grasp on the language. I can’t recall if this was before or after the current POTUS accused Cruz’s father of killing JFK (Yup, that happened) but eventually Cruz endorsed the Chump anyway, so I guess it doesn’t matter.
This is only a smattering of the wackos and sociopaths that ran for the highest office on the GOP side.
I could do a whole essay on Carly Fiorina, but then I’d have to do research on her, and I don’t need that f---ing Miranda Priestly knock-off haunting my dreams.
Suffice it to say, we have an embarrassment of riches here on the Democratic side compared to the Rogues Gallery the Republicans handed us three years ago.
So shut the f--- up when the 88th person announces they’re running, because ultimately, whoever wins the nomination is GETTING YOUR F---ING VOTE, AMERICA. ARE WE CLEAR ON THAT?
Great.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go Google Eric Holder’s position on climate change, because I’m a good f---ing citizen who does his homework, and dear god, am I exhausted.
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