Let's Talk About Spoilers

I just finished typing up this interview after getting off the phone 
with my latest anonymous friend.

We waited until the Tony nominations were announced so we 
could discuss those along with our main topic for this week--

Spoilers.

Here’s the interview:

ME:  This week is all about spoilers, but since I usually put these
 out on Tuesday’s and the Tony nominations came out this morning--

THEM:  I had a feeling we were going to have to talk about that.

ME:  I don’t want to spend too much time on it, but just give me
 your initial thoughts.

THEM:  I think it’s a lot of the same problems we see every year
 that for some reason the Tony committee doesn’t seem interested
 in fixing--the biggest one being that shows that open early in the
 season get forgotten about or, kind of, lose their momentum, and
 then you have shows that aren’t that good being given the benefit 
of the doubt, because uh--

ME:  We have to nominate something.

THEM:  Exactly.  I think this is one of those years where we could 
have gotten away with three nominations in most of the categories.  
There were not five or more Best Musicals this year.

ME:  More and more shows are getting graded are a curve lately.

THEM:  It’s because we don’t want to admit that a season has been--
disappointing.  So, there are a handful of shows everybody looks forward 
to and then when they don’t live up to the hype, it’s like--Well, there must 
be something nice we can say about this.

ME:  Because if not every review would start with ‘Another one bites the 
dust…’

THEM:  That’s not even counting the shows nobody wanted to see in the 
first place.

ME:  Okay, enough about the Tony’s, let’s get into something I was just 
arguing with Andrew Holder about last night.

THEM:  That could be a lot of things.

ME:  (Laughs.)  Fair. But we were talking about spoilers.

THEM:  Very timely.

ME:  Very.  With Endgame and Game of Thrones both blowing up over
 the weekend, what’s your position on spoilers?  Do people need to just 
get over seeing them on their Newsfeed or does spoiling something 
make you an automatic jerk?

THEM:  I’m on the side of--are you going to take the opposing side no
 matter what I say?

ME:  Yeah, I kind of have to in order for this to work.

THEM:  Okay, then I’m pro-vaccination.

ME:  Well, this was a great interview.  Tune in next week for ‘Kevin
 is Cancelled.’

THEM:  (Laughs.)  No, um, so--I’m anti-spoiler.  I just don’t see why 
people feel the need.  Watch something. Enjoy it. Call a friend and talk 
about it.  But why does every discussion now need to take place in an 
open forum?

ME:  Okay, so I am going to take the opposing side--

THEM:  Because you believe it or for the sake of conflict?

ME:  You’ll never know, will you?

THEM:  Cool. So your counter argument is--

ME:  Well, my first one would be, isn’t it kind of scary that by asking 
people not to spoil stuff, we’re essentially admitting we actually just 
can’t go any amount of time without checking social media?

THEM:  Uh--but it doesn’t make it any less dick of someone to post a spoiler.

ME:  Even if I concede that, isn’t it weird when someone is like--Hey Everybody, I can’t see this movie until tomorrow so don’t spoil 
anything tonight.  Like, that might be a fair request, but it’s also weird
 that this person is saying it’s not possible for them to just not check
 their social media for twenty-four hours.

THEM:  But you’re one of those people.

ME:  Oh, I totally am, but I also never ask people not to spoil stuff. 
 I don’t really know any people who would anyway, because I think I
 got rid of all those people after years of watching Drag Race.

THEM:  You just unfriend like crazy.

ME:  No, I unfollow.  I’m obsessed with unfollowing.

THEM:  I unfollowed you believe it or not.

ME:  Oh, I believe it.

THEM:  It just seems like people are determined to get all their 
socialization online instead of just taking a few friends out for 
drinks to talk about a movie or a tv show.

ME:  Okay, but realistically?  You go to see a three-hour movie. 
 You’re wiped. I mean, Endgame is what I imagine childbirth to be.

THEM:  Are you trying to get people to yell at you in the comments?

ME:  Yes, that’s my goal.

THEM:  Sorry, go on.

ME:  And then you’re expected to--what?  Go out and have cheesy
 fries and talk about it?  I needed a nap.

THEM:  But we used to--this is veering off in another direction.

ME:  All these interviews do.

THEM:  Remember in high school when you’d see a movie and
 then go out to eat afterwards?  That was part of the fun of it.

ME:  That’s back when we were young enough to do two things in
 one night.

THEM:  I just think, um, that there are places to have discussions
 that are not places where other people might accidentally see the
 discussions you are having.

ME:  So you want everybody to go to Reddit?  Because I’ve never
 been there.

THEM:  You’ve never gone on Reddit?

ME:  I mean, every three years or so, but that’s it.  It terrifies me.

THEM:  Why?

ME:  It’s just not pretty to look at.

THEM:  (Laughs.)  Now we know what can bring you down.

ME:  Reddit, rats, and swingsets.

THEM:  I think it’s even more frustrating when the spoiler comes
 from someone who, like, just started watching the show two
 weeks ago.

ME:  So now you’re a gatekeeper?

THEM:  I’m--I’m all for people getting in on something because it
 seems like something that might interest them, but I’m not for people
 jumping on a bandwagon.  Bandwagons are still a thing and they are not 
a good thing, and I’m not going to apologize for saying that.

ME:  I can understand what you’re saying in terms of--like, I don’t know
 how much enjoyment you would really get out of Endgame if it was the
 first Marvel movie you’d ever seen in your life.  Like, I just don’t know why
 you would bother.

THEM:  Because people can’t not be present in whatever the dominant 
cultural conversation is even if they have nothing to contribute to it.

ME:  But don’t you think it’s also people wanting to be part of a community?  
We are starved for community lately, and seeing everybody talking about 
something feels like a community, so, to me, it makes sense that people 
are drawn to it.

THEM:  But why not find a real community?  A gym, a church--

ME:  Your first two examples are not persuading me.

THEM:  A theater?

ME:  That’s pandering.

THEM:  Not to say there isn’t a community of Marvel fans or Game 
of Thrones fans, but just getting into a conversation online with someone
 is not the same as engaging in a community.

ME:  But it might be the closest thing some people are capable of doing.
 It’s a shared experience, and there aren’t many of those around anymore
 either.

THEM:  Are we going to talk about the ‘I’m so glad I don’t care about’
 blank people?

ME:  I want to know how those people are cool with the entire world
 collectively rolling their eyes at them?

THEM:  Maybe for them that’s, like, it’s own community?

ME:  A community of people who don’t want to be in the community?

THEM:  I just don’t know what they get out of declaring their apathy
 like that.

ME:  Well everybody has to take a stand on everything now, including 
whether or not they like a movie or tv show.  We should all just get
 podiums when we’re born, because now anytime anything is popular, 
people think there’s a mandate to put out a press release about it.

THEM:  You don’t watch Game of Thrones, right?

ME:  I don’t, but I can see why people like it.  I’m actually shocked
 I never got into it. Although it reminds me of The Sopranos where
people used to get mad if characters they invested in over time
didn't get brutally murdered at least once a week.

THEM: Those people frighten me. There are actual articles where
people are saying they wanted to see more death.

ME: It's like a personality test. Do you enjoy watching fictional people
die? If so, seek help.

THEM:  Did you ever try watching it?

ME:  I--watched the first season, and it didn’t really hook me, but
 I also had heard about all the twists and stuff.

THEM:  Because of spoilers?

ME:  I wouldn’t call them spoilers.  I remember when the Red 
Wedding happened, and people were just posting ‘Red Wedding’ 
everywhere and I thought, Okay, I’m curious.  So I looked it up
 and now if I watch, I won’t be surprised by that.

THEM:  But you wouldn’t consider that a spoiler?

ME:  No, because I made the choice to spoil it for myself.
  I mean, it’s ridiculous to expect people to say nothing
 about the things they like.  There wouldn’t be anything 
left on social media but people talking about the weather
 and asking why there are helicopters over downtown.

THEM:  What do you think the length of time should be
 for a spoiler post?

ME:  You first.

THEM:  Never.

ME:  Never???

THEM:  Why do you need to do it?

ME:  But never?  Come on. What if I want to post a
 Crying Game meme?

THEM:  I don’t think you have to do that.

ME:  Of course, I don’t HAVE to.

THEM:  What’s your window?

ME:  It depends what it is.  For Endgame, I’d say--like, 
for a movie, in general--maybe a month?

THEM:  Okay, that’s generous.  What about a tv show?

ME:  Well, for a tv show, I’d say a week, because then 
you’re getting a new episode anyway.  The world has 
moved on.

THEM:  I’m still going with ‘Never.’

ME:  That’s excessive.

THEM:  That’s where I’m at.

ME:  Have you seen Endgame yet?

THEM:  No.

ME:  Do you want to know how it ends?

THEM:  No.

ME:  It involves Harry Potter.

THEM:  Okay, now I’m curious.

Them thinks you should never post spoilers, and 
that, if you do, you’re being a dick.