What to Complain About on Social Media and When to Do It

In January, complain about how crowded
 the gym is--with all the new people trying
 to get in shape.

Or you can complain about the people 
complaining about how many people
 are at the gym.

Complain about the cold--if it’s cold.

Maybe there’s snow, and if there’s snow, 
make sure to complain about the snow.

If there’s supposed to be snow and then
 there’s no snow, complain about how there
 was supposed to be snow but then there wasn’t.

You can also complain about the people 
complaining about the snow or lack of snow.

In February, complain about the Valentine’s 
Day if you don’t have a valentine.

If you do have a valentine, just complain 
about the cold.

Or the snow.

Complain about the new movie that didn’t
 turn out to be good, even though when the
 trailer came out you said “This looks so good!”
  It’s okay. Nobody will remember that you said
 that when the time comes to talk about how 
awful the movie looks.

Complain about how a television series ended.

Complain about people who talk about politics 
and complain about people who complain 
about people who talk about politics.

Complain about the Super Bowl and complain
 about people who complain about the Super 
Bowl or the Oscars or the Grammy’s or the 
Emmy’s or whatever awards show is on.

In March, complain about the snow, if there’s 
snow.

Or rain--if there’s too much rain.

Or even a little.

Complain about the cold.  Make sure you
 complain about the cold.

Complain about St. Patrick’s Day and how 
stupid people act on St. Patrick’s Day and how
 it’s not even that a big a holiday in Ireland as if 
you’re an expert on Ireland even though you
 couldn’t find it on a f***ing map if somebody 
paid you to.

Complain about fake days like “National Cousin 
Day” and then complain about people who won’t
 let you enjoy “National Cousin Day.”

Complain about anything viral by saying “What’s
 going on with ______ ?” instead of just Googling
 it, because who has the time to Google?

Complain about a song everyone likes that
 you don’t like or complain about a song you
 like when a friend says they don’t like it.

Complain about the Olympics--winter or summer.

In April, complain about the rain.

Or--god help us--the snow.

Complain because it’s not summer yet.

Complain about your child’s homework.

Complain about people with children who 
misbehave--the parents or the children.

Complain about Easter, because why do we
 still have Easter?  It’s a really weird holiday if
 you think about it.

Unless you’re a Christian, in which case, don’t
 feel persecuted.  It’s just weird that it’s become,
 like, second Christmas, when that’s really not 
the point of it at all, and now there’s bunnies and 
egg hunts and the whole thing is just so bizarre.

So...complain about that.

Complain about allergies too.

In May, start--very slowly, very gently--to complain
 about how it’s kind of too warm.

Not hot.

Don’t say hot.

Just...a little...too...warm.

Complain about graduations and graduation 
parties and how OH MY GOD IT’S ALREADY MAY.

Complain about Mother’s Day if you don’t have a
 mother and people are still posting like you have 
a mother and sure you could just stay off social 
media for, like, a day, but why should you have to
 when people can just talk about something else?
  Do it all over again on Father’s Day, and any 
other day when something is being celebrated
 that you, personally, cannot celebrate.

Complain about spoilers right after something 
has been spoiled and sure you could just stay 
off social media for, like, a day, but why should 
you have to when people can just talk about 
something else?

Complain about Cinco de Mayo and how stupid
 people act on Cinco de Mayo and how it’s not 
even that a big a holiday in Mexico as if you’re an
 expert on Mexico even though you couldn’t find 
it on a f***ing map if somebody paid you to.

Complain about how loud fire trucks are these
 days.

Complain about people who don’t know the
 difference between Memorial Day and Labor 
Day and then complain about it AGAIN on Labor Day.

In June, complain--a little louder now--about 
how warm it is.

Someone will say “At least it’s not snow!” and 
F*** THEM, you’ll complain if you want to.  
There might not be snow, but it’s still a little too
 warm and it’s your social media account, so 
you’ll complain if you want to.

Complain about how back-to-school displays
 are out in stores even though your kid is still in
 school for another two weeks.

Complain about traffic once kids are out of 
school because DOES ANYBODY WORK 
ANYMORE?  Complain just like that. Say 
those words. Be sure and say it just like that
 when you complain and be sure to complain.

Complain about politics again.  You haven’t 
complained about that in awhile.

And people younger and/or older than you. 
 Complain about anyone who isn’t exactly your age.

In July, okay, here we go, this is the moment
 we’ve been waiting for--

COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW HOT IT IS.

It is too hot and you need to complain about that.

Did you sleep with the windows open last night?

And was it still too hot?

Of course it was.

So complain.

And complain about how crowded the beach is.

And how much it costs to park at the beach.

And how much a hot dog costs at an amusement park.

Were they always this expensive?

They couldn’t be.

They COULDN’T be.

So complain about that.

And is that a CHRISTMAS DISPLAY in TARGET?

BIG COMPLAINT.

And complain about how you can’t leave Target 
without spending every dollar you have and the 
new lay-out what is WITH the new lay-out and 
where the potato chips now and why are there 
so many new flavors of potato chips do we really
 need this many flavors of potato chips I mean 
come on you expect me not to complain about this?

In August, complain about how IT’S STILL
 TOO HOT IT’S UNBEARABLE but…

One day it was a little chilly and you are--

NOT PUTTING THE HEAT ON IN AUGUST.

That’s not a complaint as much as it is a
 declaration, but it’ll read as a complaint, so 
be sure and post about it just like that.

NOT PUTTING THE HEAT ON.

There you go.

Complain about getting the kids ready to go
 back to school.

Complain about needing a vacation after you 
just got back from vacation.

Complain about people who spend too much
 time on social media, and whatever you do, do
 not think too long about how much time would 
constitute “too much time,” because the minute
 we start giving too much thought to all of this, 
we’re done, right?

So don’t do it.

SEPTEMBER MEANS BACK TO SCHOOL
 AND OH MY GOD SO MUCH TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.

Plus, it’s getting colder.

Complain about that.

Complain about how much you miss summer 
and THE HEAT OH GOD YOUR BEST FRIEND 
THE HEAT WHERE DID IT GO?

Complain about your kid’s new teacher.

Complain about people who like pumpkin spice
 and then complain about people who complain
 about people who like pumpkin spice.

Complain about how you want to go apple picking
 but who has the time and OH MY GOD IS IT 
SEPTEMBER ALREADY IT BETTER NEVER 
BE CHRISTMAS!

In October, complain about stupid Halloween
 costumes.

Complain about your car breaking down, your 
boss being a jerk, the woman in front of you in 
line at the supermarket, how Labor Day and
 Memorial Day are different, your child’s math 
homework, whatever sport people are invested in, 
a new tv show that isn’t that good even though 
everybody says it is, National Great-Aunt Day,
 the shoes everyone is wearing that cost too much
 and don’t look good, and teenagers who have no
 manners.

And be sure and complain about negativity on social
 media and how you think you need a break from it.

Make a big deal about taking a break from it and 
let people know they can find you via email and
 when they don’t because GET THE F*** OUT
 OF HERE IF YOU THINK I’M EMAILING YOU
 then come back after a day and pretend like you 
never really left in the first place or post an I’M 
BACK WHAT DID I MISS post and hope it looks
 cutesy and not sad.

In November, complain about Thanksgiving--

Family, cooking, talking about politics, football, 
cleaning your house, and OH MY GOD WAS IT
 SEVENTY DEGREES YESTERDAY IN NOVEMBER
 THAT’S INSANE, but every other day complain
 about it being TOO COLD OH MY GOD I NEED
 TO MOVE.

Complain about where you live.

Complain about how uniquely bad where 
you live is.

Complain about the world you’re leaving for 
your children.

Complain about your mother-in-law.

Complain about Christmas being right around
 the corner but I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT 
CHRISTMAS YET WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE
 CHRISTMAS?

Complain about elections.

Complain about the outcome of elections.

Complain about people who complain about
 the outcome of elections but don’t vote.

Complain passive-aggressively because the
 year is almost out and you really need to stop
 getting into outright fights with people, but by 
all means, do NOT stop complaining.

In December--

COMPLAIN ABOUT CHRISTMAS

The shopping.

The tree.

The capitalism.

The errands.

The TREE.

The cold.

The snow.

The snowmen.

The snowwomen.

The SHOPPING.

The wrapping.

The dead family members you miss.

COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN.

And when it’s over--

Complain that it went by too fast.

Finally, before the New Year--

Complain about what a lousy year it was.

Complain as though you didn’t say the exact
 same thing the year before or the year before that.

Complain about all the celebrities who died--
even the ones you thought were already dead.

Complain about having no plans for New Year’s Eve.

Complain about people who complain too much
 and decide you need to get rid of some negativity
 from your life, so unfriend a few people who never
 complain but who you don’t really like for some 
reason and feel better for about two hours before
you have to complain about how cold it is again.

And if it’s not cold, complain about global warming.

Just make sure you complain.

Maybe next year, you’ll have less to complain about.

Maybe that can be your resolution for next year.

To complain less.

But...ugh.

A resolution.

Now that’s something to complain about.