Theater and Who We Are Without It

My interview this week is with an old friend who I've been checking in with every day.

We figured as long as we were having these daily conversations, we might as well have an anonymous one for your enjoyment.

Here's the interview:

ME:  How are you doing?

THEM:  Wait I'm going to say it.

ME:  Say it.

THEM:  I've been better.

ME:  Me too.

THEM:  That's the new hashtag.

ME:  Not 'It Gets Better.'

THEM:  #IveBeenBetter

ME:  Get that trending.

THEM:  I've got nothing but time.  We're going to make you a star, Kevin.

ME:  Celebrity culture will be dead by the time all this is over, so why does it matter?

THEM:  Careful, I'm sensitive right now.

ME:  Yes, let's get into that.  How long have we been friends?

THEM:  Ten years?

ME:  Longer.

THEM:  It's been longer?

ME:  It's--yeah.

THEM:  So longer than ten years.

ME:  You were working on a big project when all this went down.

THEM:  Yes.

ME:  This was like--Was this the biggest--

THEM:  Oh yeah.  This was--This was the break.  This is the break everybody--This was the break.

ME:  And now?

THEM:  We're hoping it can still happen.  Everything--for everyone--is up in the air right now.

ME:  Have you heard from anyone about--

THEM:  No.  I'm trying not to--I'm trying not to think about this just being...done.  At the same time, I'm trying prepare myself for it if it is...done.  I'm also trying to do that thing where I realize that I'm alive and I'm healthy and that everything else is--you know--you have to keep it in perspective.

ME:  But it sucks.

THEM:  It does suck.  It would have changed my life.

ME:  So what now?

THEM:  You know, that--that hasn't even been the hardest part for me with all this.

ME:  What's been the hardest part?

THEM:  That--I don't know who I am now that the person I wanted everyone to think I was can't exist anymore.

ME:  Wow.

THEM:  Yeah.

ME:  That's an Oprah moment.

THEM:  Thank you.

ME:  (Laughs.)  So--unpack that for me.

THEM:  I was--I've been--I've been thinking about this--We've talked about this--I've been very strategic--like I know you are--

ME:  Yup.

THEM:  Is it okay if I--

ME:  Totally.

THEM:  We work very hard to create this perception of ourselves that we want people to see.  As theater people, as gay men--

ME:  I think for some people more as gay men--

THEM:  I have gay friends right now who are melting down because they are having the tools they use to create an image of themselves for the world taken away.

ME:  No more gym selfies.

THEM:  No more gym selfies.  No more brunch with friends.  No more bathroom selfies at the bar.

ME:  Gonna be a lot more alcoholics.

THEM:  Yes, because--

ME:  That was terrible.

THEM:  No, but really, all of a sudden--you have to drink at home, you know?  And drinking at home is very different than drinking at the bar.  You're going to have a lot of people being forced to--really examine themselves and their lives.

ME:  That's why people are freaking out.

THEM:  No, really, that's why a lot of people are.  They do not want to be alone with their thoughts.  They do not want those tools taken away--

ME:  I love that you call them 'tools.'

THEM:  They are tools.  Sexy pictures and photos of you in your dressing room--which I was the King of--I was the King of the 'First Day of School' pictures.  I did all that.

ME:  And now you can't.

THEM:  That first day I was making lists of--Okay, so--How do I use this to my advantage?  Do I become a TikTok person?  Do I make videos about my daily life?  Do I--It was so bad.  I woke up the next day and thought about the fact that I was thinking of all this in terms of--what?  Coming out of this with more followers?  What is wrong with me?

ME:  But a culture that was not based on reality just got a huge dose of reality.

THEM:  Because now we gotta do reality.  And for some people, there's no reality there.

ME:  (Laughs.)  Wow.

THEM:  Some people have zero reality in their lives.  It's--the rude way to say it is they have no personality, but it's not really that.  It's that they don't have any part of their lives that's not carefully--and this was me.  I'm talking about me.

ME:  So what are you doing now that you don't have those tools anymore?

THEM:  I hope I never get the tools back.

ME:  Well I don't know if I agree with you, because that sound like we're just living this way--

THEM:  But let's take the part where we all have now seen behind the curtain.  We know it's all bullshit.  How can we go back now?

ME:  But we knew it was bullshit before!

THEM:  We did, but we didn't have--we never had an extended break from the bullshit.

ME:  People who are theater people without theater.

THEM:  I'm proud to be a theater person.  I think--you and I have talked about how it's okay to identify yourself as a theater person--

ME:  As a storyteller.  That came up in a previous interview.  As a creative person.

THEM:  But that's creativity and storytelling--that's not--Here's a photo of me that I hired someone to take of me on a roof with seven filters on it reading a play and being like 'This is me being creative.'  Projecting creativity instead of just being creative.

ME:  You've done that.

THEM:  I have done that!  That's what I'm saying.

ME:  Your sorry ass paid someone to take a photo of you--

THEM:  (Laughs.)  You jerk.

ME:  --on a ROOFTOP reading THE GLASS MENAGERIE.

THEM:  You're never going to let me live that down.

ME:  It was--I was worried for your mental health even moreso than I am now.

THEM:  You get caught up.  You get caught up in the, uh, in the race.  The hustle.  Whatever you want to call it.

ME:  Now the hustle is shut down.

THEM:  I want to ask everybody this.

ME:  You're just going to call out to my readers?

THEM:  All your readers.

ME:  All six of them.

THEM:  I want to ask--How many people are calling and texting you right now to check up on you?  Because those are your friends.  Those are the real people in your life.  Everybody else--they're not real.  They are real.  But they're not--If someone was never important enough to give your phone number to, then--

ME:  With some people you don't need to though.

THEM:  I disagree.

ME:  I know you do.

THEM:  We're having a moment where you get to see who matters in your life and that's--This is all bad, but that's something we can take away from this.  Who is calling you.  Who is checking in.  Even on social media.  Who is sending you those messages asking how you're doing.  Look at the real people in your life.  I lost a lot of real people by--I think by always being about--Here's my latest job.  Here's my latest gig.  Look how well I'm doing.  Look how well I'm doing.  And now none of us are doing well, and we don't know what to do with that, because we have become very comfortable with hierarchy.  We only know how to exist in a hierarchy.  That's the whole country, but it's theater too.  It's the arts too.  Where does everybody fall on the--in the ranks.

ME:  Someone is absolutely going to get a development deal when all this is over because they, like, went viral on TikTok during the quarantine.

THEM:  I dread--I--I dread people trying to dramatize this moment in--what?  A year?

ME:  Ryan Murphy's American Horror Story: Pandemic.

THEM:  I could throw up.

ME:  There are people who--this is their job and they're dealing with that and loss of money--

THEM:  I'm there too.  But I think even more when you're--I've done freelance, I'm still in that position right now--and so you become even more of a--of someone who puts it out there--This is my job.  This is who I am.  Because you have to constantly advocate for yourself and while you're doing that, it becomes how you identify yourself and only how you identify yourself.

ME:  So what are you doing now that you're figuring out who you are without the tools?

THEM:  I'm not trying to do anything.  I'm walking around and if I see a book I want to read, I pick it up, I read ten pages, I put it down.  I don't think about it.  I watch a movie.  I stop watching.  I don't think about it.  I'm aimless, but I'm okay with being aimless.  I'm not worried about what I'm getting done.  This isn't a vacation.  This is a grieving period.  A lot of us just don't know that we're grieving.  But when you're grieving, you don't try to get anything done.  It says a lot about us as a culture that as soon as we're given time off, it's 'What are we going to get done?  Can we get ahead with this extra time?  Can we write that novel?'  How about we just do nothing and try to be okay with that?

ME:  I think that's great advice.

THEM:  If one more person goes live--

ME:  Oh, I know.

THEM:  And I know they all mean well, but all of a sudden, we're just getting so much of everyone and so many of them are--I'm sorry, but they're desperate to try and hold onto something they never had.  Whatever I thought I had--

ME:  And I should mention--you have the blue check-mark.

THEM:  I have the blue check-mark.

ME:  So when you talk about this all being fake, that's a big deal.

THEM:  But it was fake and fun.  Right now, there's no fun in it.  It might be fun again.  But for some people, it was never fun, and they didn't even know it was fake.

ME:  So right now you're just aimless.

THEM:  I'm aimless and I assume something will come after being aimless, but I don't know and I'm not pressuring it to happen.

ME:  You don't need to know--

THEM:  I don't need to be wise right now.  I just need to be alive and be happy for being alive and, you know, not be the reason someone else isn't alive.  The other day on Instagram I saw something funny--I think Charlie--

ME:  Your cat.

THEM:  My cat did something funny and I took a video and posted it--no thought behind it at all--and all these people were like commenting and, I think, surprised because I didn't--it was just this dumb video, and people were like 'Random.'  Yeah, random.  I thought it was funny.  You want curated content right now?  Turn on Netflix.  I'm a human.  I'm being human right now.  Or like, consider me one of the million brands that are no longer open.  Some people liked the cat video though.

ME:  I like every cat video.

THEM:  I know you do.  I post them just for you.

ME:  Keep posting them.

THEM:  I will.

ME:  Hey--I love you.

THEM:  I love you too.

ME:  Thank you for always checking in on me.

THEM:  Thank you for checking in on me.

ME:  I hope they take your blue check-mark away after they read this.

THEM:  You're such an asshole.

ME:  It'll be good for you.

THEM:  I earned that damn check-mark.

ME:  I'm going to write to Instagram.

THEM:  Byyyye Kevin.

Them is an actor with a blue check-mark...for now.