To Those Who Think Finding Out Someone Is Awful In Person Rather Than on Social Media Is Somehow Better

I was standing at a party with someone I'd known for years.

I thought I knew this person.

I felt comfortable with them.

I would say I trusted them.

This was before social media was a prevailing force in our lives.

Sure, we had them, but they were not the great revealers that they are today. They weren't overtly political. These are the times that people refer to fondly when they talk about what social media used to be.

It really was just a way to find out whether or not your "friends" were having a bad day.

It was blissful ignorance.

But because this was the before times, what could happen was this--

You could be me.

Standing at a party.

In front of someone you really thought you knew.

I was standing there.

At this party.

And this person.

Who I considered a friend.

In the midst of a discussion about something I can't remember.

Felt very comfortable.

With me.

Leaning in and whispering a wildly hateful opinion about an entire group of people.

They did it with a smile on their face.

They were sure that they knew me and that I would be cool with them saying what they said.

I stood there.

Not offended.

Offended is an overused word.

I was not offended.

My entire body went rigid.

My mouth went dry.

I was horrified.

Not just by the statement, because I knew those views exist. I wasn't unaware that those kinds of opinions exist.

But the surprise of it.

That's what got me.

I never saw it coming.

When I was young, I found myself in many situations--social situations--where someone made a comment about race, or gender, or religion, or even sexuality--with me standing right there in all my obvious homofabulosity--and there would be this horrible moment where everybody in the room would have to look around the room and see who was on their side and who was on...the other side.

I'm writing this not to try out some sort of weird new poetic form.

The jilting you feel from all those periods is how it felt in those moments.

Like being in a car crash, but the car keeps backing up, and hitting the car in front of it over and over again.

I think of this as I see people on social media talking about how they have to walk away because they watched The Social Dilemma and it told them that Facebook made their friends and relatives racist and sexist and homophobic and terrible people, and if it wasn't for Mark Zuckerberg, we'd all be living in a liberal paradise.

And I understand that. That's a way more comforting narrative.

But it's not true.

And more than that, it ignores what it was like before now to be a Black person, a woman, a disabled person, a queer person, a Latinx person, an Asian person, a trans person, or anyone who anyone else has ever felt comfortable having a derogatory opinion about, because I can assure you, whichever one of those groups, or any groups I haven't mentioned, can attest to, provided they were alive before the onset of the Facebook Era, is that they have found themselves in the horrible situation of finding out somebody they thought they knew was a total asshole.

And I can assure you, it is much, much easier finding that out online.

It is easier having lots of people you know show you who they are while you sit in the comfort of your own home or at your office or while looking at your phone in the supermarket than it is while you're right in front of them and you have to decide if you want to tell them off and ruin a party or get into a fight or actually put yourself in danger, because hey, you don't really know this person do you?

It is never pleasant to find out that someone you might have liked in some way turned out to be a jerk. But believe me when I tell you it was exponentially worse when you were forced to stand there and not say anything, out of shock and social constructs, and then go home feeling like a coward because you didn't seize the moment, and stand up for justice in the middle of a kids' birthday party or a retirement party or a nice dinner at someone's house.

I do not miss those days.

I don't miss them all.

I never want to see who someone is while they're standing in front of me.

And these days, for their sake, I don't think it would be a good idea for them either.