Two years ago, I started interviewing people in the theater world about the problems within that community.
All the subjects of the interviews remained anonymous to encourage people to speak directly and plainly without worrying that there would be consequences down the line.
(Of course, even then, some people felt like outing themselves and getting in hot water, but we're going to leave that water under another bridge.)
When I decided it was time to bring the series to a close, it was partly because I thought it had run its course, and partly because I had a new topic I wanted to tackle.
While I've had my issues with theater and the people who do it, I've never felt like I didn't belong there, whereas from the moment I came out, I've never truly felt like a part of the gay community.
To be clear, that probably has way more to do with me than the community, but it's something I wanted to explore, and I knew how I wanted to do it.
The theater interviews were always conducted with people who didn't live anywhere near me, and there was a reason for that. We like to think that if we can attach a problem to someone we know, we can fix the problem, and I've never found that to be the case. Problems within systems are not caused by any one person, but the system itself. That's the case in theater, and I believe it's the same for the LGBTQI+ community.
So I picked a city far from my own, and I started reaching out to gay men in that city. I spent a few months following as many of them as I could on social media, and then I began asking if I could interview them. The goal was to see if we could address some of the issues of the modern gay community and get to the heart of those issues while hopefully find some solutions.
Today I'm going to be speaking with someone I was connected with after being told about a rumor swirling around the Community that a group of friends had gone on vacation only to leave somebody behind.
Here's the interview:
ME: Hey, how are you?
COLE: I'm good, how are you?
ME: I am trying to figure out why the record option is not working for me right now.
COLE: Are you bad with technology?
ME: I'm bad with everything--technology, interpersonal skills, work ethic--
COLE: How are you alive?
ME: Oh, I wouldn't call this living.
COLE: (Laughs.) Is it working yet?
ME: It's working. Eureka. We're in.
COLE: Do I have to introduce myself?
ME: No, but I would love to know how old you are and how long you've lived in the Community.
COLE: I am--I was about to say I am [Cole].
ME: We're not going to use your real name.
COLE: Can I be Cole?
ME: You like the name Cole?
COLE: I do.
ME: You can be Cole.
COLE: Thank you. I'm Cole, I'm thirty-four, and I have lived in the Community--or in the general area of the Community--since I was born.
ME: We love a local.
COLE: I'm a local.
ME: And when did you meet Abe? Was he local as well?
COLE: Abe was--I think he lived in [the next state over] so not far, but he moved here in 2016.
ME: And how long did you two date?
COLE: We dated until 2019.
ME: And when did he meet the Lost Boys?
COLE: That was in 2018. We had been dating for two years.
ME: And who are the Lost Boys?
COLE: The Lost Boys are a gay adventure group that do all this, um, extreme adventure type--Sorry, I should have prepped this description.
ME: They basically take shirtless photos all over the world.
COLE: (Laughs.) Yeah, but they do things. They climb mountains. They hike.
ME: They do all the things I have no interest in doing.
COLE: They film it all and they're always on social media.
ME: How many of them are there?
COLE: Back then there were fifteen of them. Around fifteen.
ME: And how did Abe get involved with them?
COLE: Abe was always looking for--This is on the nose, but he was always looking for a community, and if you joined The Lost Boys then you had this instant community. There's always someone to go out with. Something to do. You're always being invited to things.
ME: How did he find them?
COLE: They found him. He worked at this bar they all liked to go to.
ME: And they invited him to join the group?
COLE: Yes.
ME: What did you think of that?
COLE: I thought it was great, because he was--He struggled to find reasons to be happy. He dealt with a, um, a lot of trauma. In his past. He didn't have a family. He had me. I was it. I was glad to see him making friends and getting out of the house more, because he could become very to himself and that wasn't good for him.
ME: So you supported it?
COLE: Yes, and I didn't know much about it at the time. I knew they were a group of guys who liked to travel and liked camping and that kind of thing.
ME: Did you consider joining as well?
COLE: You know, they did ask me, but I was working so much back then, I didn't have the time.
ME: How did they react to you not joining?
COLE: They were okay with it. Sorry--I thought they were okay with it. I found out later that, um, they prefer it if someone joins and they're dating someone to, um, have both people join.
ME: How were things after Abe joined?
COLE: Good then bad. Simple as that.
ME: How long after he joined did things start to take a turn?
COLE: He went on a few trips with them--and every time he would come back, he would have a--He was happy for the first couple of days back. But it always felt like there were things he wanted to tell me about the trip that he wasn't saying. He would start to say something and he would change his mind. One day I asked him 'Do things happen on the trip that you're not allowed to tell me about?' He said 'Yes' and then I asked him to leave to the group.
ME: Why?
COLE: Because I thought it wasn't right that he was being asked to keep things from me. This is meant to be a fun thing, an activity group--What kind of secrets do you need to keep?
ME: What did he say?
COLE: He said it was more like a male bonding group type of thing--like a retreat--and they shared personal things with each other.
ME: Okay.
COLE: I thought that seemed, um, more--That was fine with me. I backed off. Until I thought drugs were involved.
ME: You thought they were doing drugs?
COLE: I know they were doing drugs. One of them posted about it.
ME: So they were doing them as a group?
COLE: I didn't know this, but I guess drugs were a big part of them spending time with each other.
ME: It was part of the culture of the group?
COLE: Yes.
ME: What did you do then?
COLE: I told Abe he needed to leave the group.
ME: Were you worried that asking him to leave would be difficult since this was something you knew he needed in his life?
COLE: Yes, but, you know, this was not weed. This was not, like, casual. This was serious. What they were doing.
ME: So you thought, You need to leave them and we'll figure out the rest later?
COLE: Yes.
ME: How did he take that?
COLE: He refused to leave the group. We had a big fight. We had several big fights, um, and I told him if he went on the next trip with them, he shouldn't bother coming back.
ME: You gave him an ultimatum?
COLE: Yes.
ME: And did he come back?
COLE: He came back, but he didn't come back to me.
ME: Where did he go?
COLE: He stayed with another guy in the group.
ME: Were they--
COLE: No, they were friends. I don't think Abe was involved like that with anyone in the group. I'm sure he might have slept with some of them, but not until after we stopped seeing each other, but I don't know. That's just a feeling I have.
ME: When he came back but didn't come home, were you two still talking?
COLE: Not for about a week, and then he called me. We talked. I asked him to come home, because I was--My heart was broken. I'll be honest about that. Um.
(Silence.)
ME: You okay?
COLE: Yeah. Sorry. This was a long time ago.
ME: Have you ever spoken with anyone about it?
COLE: Friends, but still--
ME: Yeah.
COLE: (Long exhale.) Um. He said he would come home if I was cool with him staying in the group. I said 'No.'
ME: Were you tempted to say 'Yes?'
COLE: Yes.
ME: Why didn't you?
COLE: My older brother died of a drug overdose.
ME: I'm so sorry.
COLE: That's one thing I won't budge on. I won't budge when it comes to that.
ME: What happened then?
COLE: He came and moved out. The guys in the group helped him. Took one day. One day and he was gone.
ME: Did he move in with--
COLE: He moved in with two other guys in the group who were living together in 35 West.
ME: Did you talk after he moved?
COLE: We talked once. He called me. It was late. It was, um, 1am. One or one thirty. He sounded, um, he sounded bad.
ME: Bad how?
COLE: Sorry. Can I--
ME: Yeah.
(Silence.)
COLE: Sorry.
ME: Don't be sorry. How long had you been broken up when he called?
COLE: It hadn't been that long. Maybe a few months.
ME: That's not not a short amount of time though.
COLE: It felt like forever, yeah.
ME: How did he sound when he called?
COLE: He sounded scared.
ME: Of what?
COLE: I don't know. But he said he wanted to come home.
ME: Home meaning--to you?
COLE: Yes.
ME: Did you ask him what was going on?
COLE: I did. He wouldn't tell me. He said things had gotten bad--at the apartment. With the group. I said I would come pick him up. I said 'Leave everything there. I'll come get you.' He said he couldn't, because they were all going on a trip tomorrow. He said he was going to go on the trip, and when he came home, he'd call me, and he wanted to move out of the apartment [at 35 West] and move back in. He didn't know if I was seeing someone new. I said I wasn't.
ME: Were you excited that he called?
COLE: Ecstatic. I was--I was so relieved. But I didn't want him going on that trip.
ME: Why not?
COLE: Because he's telling me there are bad things going on within the group. Why are you going to go on a vacation with these people?
ME: Did you bring that up?
COLE: Yes. He said he already paid for the trip. He still had some friends in the group. He said it would be okay. It was only a long weekend.
ME: Then he contact you while he was on the trip?
COLE: I texted to ask him how it was going. He texted back that it was hell. That's what he said. Hell.
ME: Did you ask him why?
COLE: I texted him again and he didn't answer.
ME: Was that the last time you spoke with him?
COLE: Yes.
ME: When did you know something was wrong?
COLE: I knew when he didn't text me back.
ME: You knew right away?
COLE: I had a feeling.
ME: Did you try contacting anyone else in the group?
COLE: I did. I messaged [Name] and [Name] and they said Abe was fine. He was just in a miserable mood. I asked if they could have him call me or text me. They said he would.
ME: But he didn't?
COLE: No.
ME: What happened when they got back?
COLE: I went right to the apartment to wait for him.
ME: Wow.
COLE: I had the boxes ready. I was like, 'Let's go.'
ME: Was he there?
COLE: No, so, I get there--And there's a front desk person. I tell them I'm going up to [Apartment Number]. They call up to the apartment and somebody tells the person at the front desk not to let me up.
ME: What?
COLE: Yes. I say that we have a situation where I think someone is in danger. The front desk person says if I want I can call the police.
ME: What are you thinking at this point?
COLE: I'm--I don't know. I was losing it. I'm texting Abe. I'm texting other people in the group. Nobody is getting back to me. I have this pit in my stomach.
ME: What did you do?
COLE: I sat in my car for--I had to leave the building or the front desk person was going to call the police on me because I was raving like a lunatic. I sit in my car. I don't know what to do. I call my friend [Name] and he's friends with another guy in the group. I tell him, 'Can you find out anything about what might have gone down on the trip?'
ME: Where did they go?
COLE: Tulum.
ME: Okay. Did your friend find out anything?
COLE: All he could get out of them was that there was so much 'drama' on the trip, but nobody would talk about it, because, don't forget, that's what they do. They don't talk about what happens on these trips.
ME: Did you have him ask anybody about Abe specifically?
COLE: They told him Abe was a mess on the trip. That's all he could get out of them. By then, they had been, um, I felt like, based on what I saw them posting, that Abe was their little puppet.
ME: What do you mean?
COLE: He was younger than most of them, and I think they liked having someone who was--I think he was, um--
ME: Impressionable?
COLE: Yes.
ME: How old was he?
COLE: I was thirty-two when this happened, he would have been twenty-five, but he was a pretty young twenty-five. He was not, um, experienced with a lot of things before he met [The Lost Boys].
ME: So what did you do after you got kicked out of the building?
COLE: I didn't know what to do. I went home. I called out of work the next day. I did talk to some friends, and we were trying to come up with a plan, and then I saw one of the guys Abe lives with post that they had a new roommate.
ME: Oh my god.
COLE: Yes. I look and there's some new kid living with them, and I go to his account, and he has a post saying he's excited to 'officially be a Lost Boy.'
ME: So they were saying Abe moved out?
COLE: That's what I wanted to know. I messaged both roommates and I said 'Where did Abe go?' 'He moved out.' 'Where?' 'He didn't say.' 'When did this happen?' 'After we got back from the trip.' I kept asking questions. Nothing.
ME: Did you ask them why they wouldn't let you up into the apartment?
COLE: They said Abe didn't want to see me.
ME: And nobody knew where he went?
COLE: Yes.
ME: What about his social media accounts?
COLE: Deactivated.
ME: When did he deactivate them?
COLE: Sorry I should have said that earlier--
ME: That's okay.
COLE: Two or three days after I went to the apartment to see him.
ME: You must have been tearing at the walls.
COLE: Kevin, I was--I thought I was going to have to be hospitalized. It was bad.
ME: So now he's a missing person.
COLE: The problem is I went to the police, because I didn't know what else to do, and they were like 'His friends say he moved out. Nothing to see here.'
ME: So they were useless?
COLE: There was no proof that anything had happened to him, and because I'm not family, they weren't taking me seriously, I don't think. Forget about me being a man looking for his ex-boyfriend.
ME: And Abe had no family you could contact?
COLE: He never told me about any family.
ME: Did he have a job? His boss could maybe report him missing?
COLE: He had quit his job after we broke up.
ME: Did you know that?
COLE: I didn't.
ME: What was he doing for work?
COLE: I don't know. The problem is--If you decide to go missing, you can do that. But if you go missing and you didn't want to go missing, and you have no legal connection to anybody like a spouse or a family member, how will anyone know that you want somebody to come find you?
ME: But you don't think this disappearance is by choice?
COLE: No. Why would he say 'I want to move back in when I come home' if he was going to disappear on me?
ME: Did you tell the police about that phone call you had with him before the trip?
COLE: I did. They said he could have changed his mind.
ME: You know, they're really busy with all those traffic tickets they hand out.
COLE: That must be it.
ME: I mean, we had podcasters to solve crime now, why bother the police?
COLE: I thought about contacting a podcast. I was willing to try anything, but what do you do? I had nothing. I had no--
ME: You had his phone number.
COLE: I text it. I call it. Still. All the time.
ME: What happens when you do?
COLE: It went right to voicemail until the mailbox filled up, and that was it. I still try it though.
ME: Are all of people he went on the trip with still living in The Community?
COLE: Yes.
ME: Have you continued trying to talk to them?
COLE: I have, but they, um, they say we were broken up and I need to get over it and Abe wanted to move on with his life and I must have driven him away.
ME: How would you have driven him away?
COLE: With me asking him to get back together all the time. Even though he called me the last time. I hadn't spoken to him. I let him go when he moved out. I did miss him, but I didn't try to contact him.
ME: What do you think happened to Abe?
COLE: I think he trusted people he shouldn't have trusted.
ME: Do you think he came home from the trip?
COLE: No.
ME: Then where is he?
COLE: That's what I need you to find out.
ME: Do you think The Lost Boys will talk to me?
COLE: I would be surprised if they did.
ME: So where do you think I should start?
COLE: You're going to try to find him?
ME: No, I'm not going to try. I'm going to find him.
COLE: I'm not sure you can, but thank you.
ME: I don't want to ask the obvious question, but--Is it possible something happened to him?
COLE: Yes. Anything's possible. I beat myself up about this all the time.
ME: Why?
COLE: Because I could have stayed with him. I could have, um, gone to get him the night he called. I feel like I didn't do enough.
ME: Well you're doing something now.
COLE: I hope so, but, you know.
ME: So where do I start?
COLE: Start with AJ.
ME: Who's AJ?
COLE: He's the one in charge. He's the top guy.
ME: That's what they all think before they meet me.
Cole sent me his exchanges with Abe, including text messages and emails, along with correspondence from other members of The Lost Boys.
For more insight into this series, check out The Community Podcast on the Epic Patreon. Sign up by going to www.Patreon.com/EpicTheatreCo
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