This Can't Be Broccoli

Dear VH1, Thank you for bringing back Divas Live. As a little gay child, I used to anticipate the Divas concert every year--much like how I imagine normal children anticipated Easter or Flag Day. Divas '99 with Tina, Cher, and Whitney may have been the gayest night ever recorded in the history of television. Tina and Cher, with Elton John on back-up, belting out "Proud Mary" was so incredible, I blacked out during it and woke up halfway through high school with streaks in my hair wearing skinny jeans. Now, after a far-too-long hiatus (and, let's face it, a few failed opportunies--See Divas Duets where none of the Divas actually dueted with each other aside from Beyonce and...horrible flashback...Jewel) the show is coming back. I could barely contain my excitement. Then I heard the line-up, and I contained that excitement faster than my mother contains potato salad at a 4th of July party. Let's list the artists in order of how happy I am to see them: Adele - Ama...

Some things you learn if you stay up until 3am every night watching the Game Show Network: 1) Alex Trebek is a dickhead, but Dick Clark is a much bigger dickhead. Whereas Trebek will make snide comments to the contestants when they're not performing well, Clark will fully dissect every wrong move AND say things like "They'll need two points to win the game, so I'd just consider myself a loser right now. NO WAY are they not getting those two points. You might as well just leave." Who would have thought that at any point in my life I'd be hating Dick Clark? 2) If you get on Pyramid, demand that Joanne Worley be your celebrity. That bitch is ridiculous. The only one who bests her is Shelly Smith, a little known actress from the 80's. She was unstoppable, but I don't think she qualifies as a celebrity anymore. 3) Family Feud is infuriating because it shows how dumb most people are, for example: When asked to name the Smartest People in history, ...

Looking for a good, summer read? These books are fantastic--and they're all slim enough to bring to the beach. Here are my summer reading picks. Just call me Oprah. 1) Social Crimes by Jane Stanton Hitchcock As far as chick lit goes, this is the best. It's All About Eve meets The Devil Wears Prada . A frothy (that's right, I said frothy) soap opera that you can knock off in one trip to the beach. If you love it, there's a sequel-- One Dangerous Lady (don't worry, it's not Oprah's biography.) 2) The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls The best autobiography about mountain people I've ever read--okay, don't run yet. Jeannette Walls' childhood was crazy, funny, and at times, a giant FML post. That being said, she's grew up to be one hell of a good writer. Everyone I recommend this book to ends up loving it. So, you know, thank me later. 3) Geek Love by Katherine Dunn A family of circus freaks. Albino hunchback protagonists. Machiav...

In true Kevin Broccoli fashion, and probably showing why these people don't like me in the first place, I've decided to document who doesn't like me and why. Before you panic, don't worry. I have no intention of naming names and driving straight into Awkward City. I just think you should try to find humor wherever you can, even in a list of people who don't think you're very funny. I've replaced the names of the actual people with the names of famous Ukrainian novelists. Also, I think it's only fair to mention that in no way am I disputing the reason for these people's feelings towards me. They are absolutely right for disliking me, and I probably would dislike me too if I were them. It's one thing to have a list of people who don't like you just because they're jerks; it's another thing when you've earned that dislike. In every case I've either apologized for my actions or assumed that apologizing would be pointless, if ...

Dear Bravo, The time has come. I know it's been a rough year for you. Breaking up with Project Runway would certainly be enough to make me binge on Ben and Jerry's and weep. I know it doesn't make it any easier that all your friends are going to betray you by watching it on Lifetime. Forgive us. We're weak...and none of us like your new boyfriend, The Fashion Show (Kelly Rowland? What's the matter? Was Toni Braxton not available?) All that aside, you're going in the wrong direction. What makes me say that? A little show called NYC Prep. Oh, I know what you're thinking. It's like Gossip Girl BUT REAL! Here's the thing, the fact that Gossip Girl could actually be real is absolutely terrifying to all of us who watch Gossip Girl. Not to mention that none of those NYC Prattlers are anywhere near as attractive as anyone on GG--including Jenny, and that's saying something. I don't care how good the ratings are. I don't care if some.....

Dear Angelina, My friend--and by friend, I mean "celebrity I've never met"--Jennifer Aniston, cannot respond to your latest round of gloating over having stolen her husband a few years back. That's because she's a good, decent person who doesn't feel the need to continually address the fact that an alien from Planet Ho-Bag ruined her marriage. Luckily for her, I've got plenty of time to address you. First off, I'd like to list all the movies you've sucked in. I realize you may be an Academy Award winning actress (the award being for playing a crazy person, hmm...what a stretch) but I wonder if that movie makes up for these-- Pushing Tin Playing By Heart Gone in Sixty Seconds Life or Something Like It Beyond Borders Taking Lives Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (A forgotten gem--forgotten for a reason) The Good Shepherd (You as a housewife, HA!) Lara Croft--Both Movies (I don't care if the first one made money.) Wait for it, wait for it--...

10) Using the term "verbal pedophile." There is no such thing as a verbal pedophile. It is demeaning to people who have actually been the victims of pedophiles to insinuate that there is such a thing as a "verbal pedophile." 9) If there were such a thing as a "verbal pedophile," David Letterman would still not be one. A pedophile commits a very malicious and very deliberate act. A joke can not be considered an act of pedophilia even if it is a tasteless joke. There is nothing vague about pedophilia. There's no subtlety or nuance to it. If you actually believe a joke can be considered that kind of an act, not only do you have no sense of humor; you're an ignoramus. 8) The most successful movie to date so far this summer is "The Hangover." It features, among other things, violence, Asian stereotypes, gay stereotypes, gay Asian stereotypes, nudity, the word "faggot," and a man making a baby look like it's jerking ...