This Can't Be Broccoli

A story like this boggles my mind. A man has sex with a thirteen-year-old girl, and because he's a celebrity, people are actually asking that the whole thing be dismissed. Not to mention that he's never apologized for his actions, and in an article written at the time, actually claimed that EVERYBODY wants to sleep with thirteen-year-old girls. So somehow that's--okay? The only good argument I can see for letting the whole thing go away is that the girl/now woman in question wants it to, and since she's the victim, I do believe that when she petitioned the court to dismiss the case, they probably should have. I think her claim that she was the one being tortured by all this--clearly not Roman Polanski since he's gotten an Oscar and acclaim since the whole thing happened--was reasonable. It's considered a cliche to say that artists get special treatment, but in this case, it couldn't be more true. It's not just a matter of celebrity. It's the fact...

I like the new Nightmare on Elm Street trailer. I think Jack Earle Haley is absolutely terrifying in any scenario, so the idea of him in an actual horror movie makes perfect sense to me. That being said, there's one amazing horror franchise I believe everyone's overlooking. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttvGz7rnjRE As a child, this movie scared the s**t out of me. Freddie Krueger was everywhere, but he just looked sort of cartoonish. Plus, how could you hate a guy in a form-fitting sweater? Freddie was always kind of funny. There was NOTHING funny about clowns who were going to wrap you up in cotton candy and then suck your blood out. Let's hope Michael Bay is listening.

Someone came into the library the other day looking for read Mackenzie Phillips' book. I believe if you want to read a book simply to find out the lurid details about someone's incestuous relationship with their father, then the patriot act should actually kick into gear and military officials should be asked to interrogate you. Whether or not Mackenzie Phillips is telling the truth about her affair with her father is irrelevant as far as I'm concerned. Forget that I find it incredibly suspect that she waited until she ran out of money to shoot up with before divulging the affair. Clearly it didn't damage her enough to prevent her from talking about it on every talk show that will have her. I think celebrity autobiographies from people who aren't even celebrities is pretty pointless. If you're going to read that, you should be forced to read an actual book as penance--something dense and European. Part of me also feels like--with the exception of politicians...

- Why do they still interview the contestants on Jeopardy? It doesn't make me like them any more; in fact, I usually like them less. Today a man talked about riding the elevator in the Empire State Building. Thank God he didn't win, because if that was his best story, I'd hate to hear the runner-up. - CW cancelled 'The Beautiful Life.' I'm mad. I was hoping Jay Leno would be the first thing cancelled this year. - Joel McHale, you can't make a living out of making fun of assholes and then do a show with Chevy Chase, the King of all Assholes. - I want them to do a reality show where they hunt down people who actually like Colbie Caillat. I need to see what these people look like. I imagine that they look like Sade-lovers, except not sexy. - People are actually laughing when they show the trailer for 'The Stepfather' in theaters. I think I posed this question before, but it's worth repeating: Shouldn't they test ideas on audiences BEFOR...

As you all may know, I enjoy some sassy every now and again. It's come to my attention recently that I need a sassy comeback--something along the lines of "I'm so sure" or "Yeah, okay" or "Broseph, please." So I've gotten together a list of possible Broccoli comebacks, and I'm going to decide on one shortly and then proceed to get into confrontations with people in order to use my new sassy comeback. Here are the finalists: 1) "Butcha ugly" Example: "Hey Kev, I really didn't like that piece you wrote about llamas." "Wow, I would really respect you for saying that--butcha ugly." 2) "Take off your nasty pants." Example: "Hey Kev, I really didn't appreciate you talking to me that way." "Okay, first of all, take off your nasty pants and go put on some civilized jeans. Okay?" 3) "Did somebody push the bitch button?" Example: "Hey Kev, could you please rem...

I just read about the cat that was wrapped in duct tape. I now have an overwhelming urge to find out how to adopt that cat. This is a huge problem of mine. Given the opportunity, I'd end up a crazy cat person. ...slash crazy dog person...slash crazy lemur person... It's not just a love of animals; it's an unhealthy obsession. Aside from rats--the devil's creatures--I'm incredibly sympathetic to anything with fur. I find the most random animals adorable. I'm the only person I know who ever actually felt a desire to adopt a colony of prairie dogs. Given the opportunity, I'm confident that I would adopt the entire cast of Beethoven's 2nd. I suppose the best thing for me would be to have a farm. But considering how much I hate getting up early and my aversion to udders, I don't know if it would work out well. As of now, I have a cat named Duncan and a dog named Peaches. I don't really see how eight or nine more animals would make much of a diff...

Lately I've been having a lot of discussions about Tom Stoppard. From now on, I'm just going to say this: I love Tom Stoppard because he doesn't apologize for being brilliant. I love him because he's the antithesis of talking down to an audience. When there are people in this world who are willing to give hours of their life to VH1 in order to watch bad reality shows, there's no excuse for someone not wanting to sit in a room and have someone smarter than them challenge them and make them think. I think we are in dire straits when we criticize a playwright for being "too smart." Maybe we shouldn't be asking ourselves why he doesn't make us understand. Maybe that's not his job. I love him because he's more concerned about the play than the audience. I love him because he makes people argue, question, and evaluate. I love him because you have no choice but to concentrate on what he's saying. I love that he expects that of the audien...