This Can't Be Broccoli

My friend and I often have conversations about our vacation envy. ME: It popped up on my Facebook feed. This is her third vacation in six months! We talk about people who are always on vacation. Because we're never on vacation. We both make a decent living. We both don't splurge on things in our day-to-day lives. We both have the average amount of bills. And yet we can't fathom how, in this economy, we're not able to go vacation and people who work less than us and spend more can still afford to disappear for a week to some exotic location. FRIEND: A week in Paris? I couldn't even afford the plane ticket there! How is it possible? How is it possible that I know people who work part-time for less money than I do and I can't financially make a vacation work and yet they can? What am I missing? And this leads into a much bigger problem, at least for me. Overall life envy. A few months back, I kept running into people who were saying th...

I think there should be a game show, like "The Price is Right" where couples who have broken up go before a group of contestants, and the contestants get to guess how long they were together based on information given to them. I'd also have Dustin Diamond host--just 'cause. For example: "This is Don and Carla. They met in Reno while one of them was drunk and the other was on pain-killers. Carla works as a receptionist for a fortuneteller and Don is a self-employed taxidermist. How long were they together?" CONTESTANT #1: Dustin, I'm going to say they were together for three weeks. CONTESTANT #2: Dustin, I'm going to say two and a half weeks. CONTESTANT #3: Dustin, I'm going to say she gave him hepatitis that night and two days later she skipped town and that was the last he heard of her. CONTESTANT #4: I'm going to say...zero. Call me crazy, but this sounds like a hit to me.

Right now, I'm in a play with naked men. I should rephrase that. I'm in a play that features nudity (not my own) and a bunch of guys showering. Homosexuality also plays a part in the script, but it's not directly connected to the nudity. These are two things you need to know. For awhile, when I told people about the show I was doing--and by people, I mean straight guys--I would get this response: "Yeah, I read that script. I'm not sure I would have been comfortable with that." At first, I thought they meant the nudity, and that's understandable. Not everybody is comfortable with that onstage. Then, however, I would say--"Oh the nudity?" And they'd say--"No, just...some of the other stuff. I'd be uncomfortable." At first I thought, Do they mean the homosexuality? And then I shot that idea down. I mean, there's no actual sex in the show. There aren't guys kissing or making out or even touching,...

Having been back on the market for about eight months now, I've noticed that I've developed a certain set of rules based on the changes I've seen in the dating landscape. Actually, maybe nothing's changed. Maybe I just never encountered these issues before, but either way, I realized I needed to set down some sort of rulebook just to keep all my new guidelines straight. The issue isn't that I meet a lot of jerks. On the contrary, I meet a lot of really nice guys, which makes things that much tougher. On the surface, a date with a nice guy should automatically lead to a second date, right? Well, that's a little tricky. I'd forgotten--because truthfully, I'd never been on dates with that many nice guys before--that someone being nice isn't the only qualification for a successful pairing. Mainly, I'm looking for someone who can make me laugh. I never thought this would be such a hard quality to find in someone, but I guess I have a tou...

To celebrate over 500 tweets on the "All My Gay Friends" twitter account, I've picked my top ten favorite quotes from my hobro's. (Not surprisingly, most of them are from Andrew Holder. He's developing a monopoly on ridiculous gay catchphrases.) Here we go: 10. "Who does she think she is? The Oprah Winfrey of drag?" ~ Andrew 9. "'Black Swan' is still one of my favorite diet inspiring movies." ~ Eric 8. "I see a lot of Little Edie moments in my future." ~ Andrew 7. "Celine Dion is the people's singer. She's the Princess Diana of singers." ~ Andrew 6. "There needs to be a 'You're Annoying' intervention." ~ Andrew 5. "I'm sick of almond milk. I'll tell you that much." ~ Andrew 4. "I'm out to wrangle me a man." ~ Andrew 3. "I'm well on my way to being a gay icon." ~ Eric 2. "I'm sorry you missed the youth ...

I've noticed myself using a particular phrase a lot lately. "I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested." A few years ago, a phrase like this--filled with cynicism and apathy--would have sent me into a tear about compassion and understanding. Now, I see it as a survival mechanism. Having worked with the public for over ten years now, I'm astounded at the amount of people who want to share personal information with you. I'm not talking about the occasional down-on-their-luck person who just needs someone to talk to and unintentionally unburdens themselves. I'm talking about someone who willingly dispenses the intimate details of their family life, relationship, etc. simply because you're standing in front of them. You'd be amazed (unless you've worked in customer service) at some of the things people offer up without thinking twice about it. When I first started my job, I'd try to find a polite way to let these people know th...

Dear Filmmakers, I'm writing to ask you a favor. No more Aha moments. You know what I'm talking about. That moment in a film when the protagonist suddenly has a revelation about their life, and breaks down in some form or another--in some instances, right down on their knees in the middle of the street (Shame). What I most admire in acting and film-making is restraint and balance. So when you allow one of these moments to creep into your work, you take a piece of art and turn it into a Hallmark movie. One crying scene is all it takes. Or, in the case of The Descendants, kissing your comatose wife's forehead and whispering something sweet to her right before you walk away. Really, Alexander Payne--I expect better of you. Why did every director this year suddenly get so sappy? I enjoyed Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close but I would wager that if you added up all the moments in that movie a character spends crying or raging against death, it would take u...