This Can't Be Broccoli

My friend and I often have conversations about our vacation envy. ME: It popped up on my Facebook feed. This is her third vacation in six months! We talk about people who are always on vacation. Because we're never on vacation. We both make a decent living. We both don't splurge on things in our day-to-day lives. We both have the average amount of bills. And yet we can't fathom how, in this economy, we're not able to go vacation and people who work less than us and spend more can still afford to disappear for a week to some exotic location. FRIEND: A week in Paris? I couldn't even afford the plane ticket there! How is it possible? How is it possible that I know people who work part-time for less money than I do and I can't financially make a vacation work and yet they can? What am I missing? And this leads into a much bigger problem, at least for me. Overall life envy. A few months back, I kept running into people who were saying th...

I think there should be a game show, like "The Price is Right" where couples who have broken up go before a group of contestants, and the contestants get to guess how long they were together based on information given to them. I'd also have Dustin Diamond host--just 'cause. For example: "This is Don and Carla. They met in Reno while one of them was drunk and the other was on pain-killers. Carla works as a receptionist for a fortuneteller and Don is a self-employed taxidermist. How long were they together?" CONTESTANT #1: Dustin, I'm going to say they were together for three weeks. CONTESTANT #2: Dustin, I'm going to say two and a half weeks. CONTESTANT #3: Dustin, I'm going to say she gave him hepatitis that night and two days later she skipped town and that was the last he heard of her. CONTESTANT #4: I'm going to say...zero. Call me crazy, but this sounds like a hit to me.

Right now, I'm in a play with naked men. I should rephrase that. I'm in a play that features nudity (not my own) and a bunch of guys showering. Homosexuality also plays a part in the script, but it's not directly connected to the nudity. These are two things you need to know. For awhile, when I told people about the show I was doing--and by people, I mean straight guys--I would get this response: "Yeah, I read that script. I'm not sure I would have been comfortable with that." At first, I thought they meant the nudity, and that's understandable. Not everybody is comfortable with that onstage. Then, however, I would say--"Oh the nudity?" And they'd say--"No, just...some of the other stuff. I'd be uncomfortable." At first I thought, Do they mean the homosexuality? And then I shot that idea down. I mean, there's no actual sex in the show. There aren't guys kissing or making out or even touching,...

Having been back on the market for about eight months now, I've noticed that I've developed a certain set of rules based on the changes I've seen in the dating landscape. Actually, maybe nothing's changed. Maybe I just never encountered these issues before, but either way, I realized I needed to set down some sort of rulebook just to keep all my new guidelines straight. The issue isn't that I meet a lot of jerks. On the contrary, I meet a lot of really nice guys, which makes things that much tougher. On the surface, a date with a nice guy should automatically lead to a second date, right? Well, that's a little tricky. I'd forgotten--because truthfully, I'd never been on dates with that many nice guys before--that someone being nice isn't the only qualification for a successful pairing. Mainly, I'm looking for someone who can make me laugh. I never thought this would be such a hard quality to find in someone, but I guess I have a tou...

To celebrate over 500 tweets on the "All My Gay Friends" twitter account, I've picked my top ten favorite quotes from my hobro's. (Not surprisingly, most of them are from Andrew Holder. He's developing a monopoly on ridiculous gay catchphrases.) Here we go: 10. "Who does she think she is? The Oprah Winfrey of drag?" ~ Andrew 9. "'Black Swan' is still one of my favorite diet inspiring movies." ~ Eric 8. "I see a lot of Little Edie moments in my future." ~ Andrew 7. "Celine Dion is the people's singer. She's the Princess Diana of singers." ~ Andrew 6. "There needs to be a 'You're Annoying' intervention." ~ Andrew 5. "I'm sick of almond milk. I'll tell you that much." ~ Andrew 4. "I'm out to wrangle me a man." ~ Andrew 3. "I'm well on my way to being a gay icon." ~ Eric 2. "I'm sorry you missed the youth ...

I've noticed myself using a particular phrase a lot lately. "I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested." A few years ago, a phrase like this--filled with cynicism and apathy--would have sent me into a tear about compassion and understanding. Now, I see it as a survival mechanism. Having worked with the public for over ten years now, I'm astounded at the amount of people who want to share personal information with you. I'm not talking about the occasional down-on-their-luck person who just needs someone to talk to and unintentionally unburdens themselves. I'm talking about someone who willingly dispenses the intimate details of their family life, relationship, etc. simply because you're standing in front of them. You'd be amazed (unless you've worked in customer service) at some of the things people offer up without thinking twice about it. When I first started my job, I'd try to find a polite way to let these people know th...

Dear Filmmakers, I'm writing to ask you a favor. No more Aha moments. You know what I'm talking about. That moment in a film when the protagonist suddenly has a revelation about their life, and breaks down in some form or another--in some instances, right down on their knees in the middle of the street (Shame). What I most admire in acting and film-making is restraint and balance. So when you allow one of these moments to creep into your work, you take a piece of art and turn it into a Hallmark movie. One crying scene is all it takes. Or, in the case of The Descendants, kissing your comatose wife's forehead and whispering something sweet to her right before you walk away. Really, Alexander Payne--I expect better of you. Why did every director this year suddenly get so sappy? I enjoyed Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close but I would wager that if you added up all the moments in that movie a character spends crying or raging against death, it would take u...

Here at Social/Corp, we've come up with a new service guaranteed to get you the attention of the prettiest guy or gal at any bar you happen to frequent. How? --You might ask. Here's how! The Comparative Friend! Sound strange? That's because it is-- Strangely awesome ! Think about this: How many times do you go out only to be approached by some idiot who regales you with stories about their tattoos and how they love being fun-employed when all of a sudden you notice some other person hanging back? Oh them? --the idiot says-- They're just my friend. You bet they are-- Their comparative friend. And just by hanging back while their friend makes an ass out of themselves, the comparative friend looks amazing. Now, Social/Corp is willing to provide you with that comparative friend! We'll send a total moron out with you for a night on the town where that moron will make a complete fool of themselves--approaching people, making dumb comments, ...

Today's the day! The nominations for the 84th Academy Awards were announced, and this is one of the most surprising ballots in recent memory. Let's start from the top: Best Supporting Actor The big shocker here is Nick Nolte. He gave a great performance in a movie, but that movie ( Warrior ) was completely ignored aside from him. The only mention of him being nominated was EW's short list awhile back, but I have to say, I'm happy to see the film get represented in some way. Max Von Sydow became the token "he won't get nominated for any of the flashy stuff but he'll make it to the Oscars" nominee. The rest were the usual suspects. If It Were Up To Me: I'd leave Nick Nolte alone, but I'd bounce Jonah Hill in favor of Albert Brooks. If we're talking about a comedic actor in a dramatic role, Brooks embraced the challenge much more than Hill did. Plus, Drive was woefully under-appreciated, which is probably how Hill (from the m...

Today, somebody in the town I work in committed a murder. I won't get into details, because that goes against what this post is about. It's about being morbid. Being fascinated with murder, especially gruesome murder, seems, to me, to be disturbing in a whole other sort of way. When people say, "Can you believe the wacko who did this?" I always want to respond with "What about the wacko who's obsessed with them?" Without realizing it, I went into the New Year with a resolution that had hardened over the past year with the onslaught of the Caylee Anthony trial. I simply don't put up with morbid. The same way a religious person might not be put up with gossip or profanity being thrown about around them, I refuse to entertain morbid rehashings of murder and gore. It just doesn't seem healthy. People are so quick to blame fiction (movies, video games) with violence, but they never blame people's innate fascination with violence...

I know you probably read the title of this post, and thought this was going to be about how I was terrible at sports as a kid (which I was) and how now I feel distanced from it. Perhaps you think this is about the gay community vs. sports, or arts vs. sports, or Monopoly addicts vs. sports-- --But you're wrong. This is all about not wanting to share. Growing up, I remember watching my father get excited whenever a football or baseball game would be on, and I'd ask-- Why doesn't Rhode Island have a baseball or a football team? Then he'd explain to me that all of New England shares the Patriots, and Rhode Islanders tend to cheer for the Boston Red Sox. In my young (but-still-in-love-with-profanity) mind, I thought-- F**k that. I had no intention of cheering for a hand-me-down team, or another city's team just because it was geographically close to where I was. I wanted my own team, and not the Pawsox either--otherwise known as the Red Sox's wate...

I remember this about Driver's Ed: I had to take it during mid-terms my junior year of high school. At the time, I was also in a really terrible production of "The Taming of the Shrew." If you mix mid-terms, my least favorite Shakespearean play, and driver's ed--it's pretty much a recipe for sheer teenage angst and misery. It didn't help that I was taking the class with none of my friends. After spending three years in high school, carefully cultivating a circle of acquaintances so that I wouldn't have to meet any new people until college, I was now forced to interact with these other potential drivers every day for a week. I don't remember many of the students. I know one of them brushed her hair during class. That should give you some idea of how memorable this assortment of people was. None of that is really relevant to the story. What is relevant (but not really) is this: My teacher knew more dead teenagers than anyone I've e...

I never thought I'd write something criticizing Modern Family , and I'm not! Not really. Relax. Sit down. Eat a piece of pie. (You know, if you have it. If not, go get some. Pie improves reading. It's a proven face.) Here's the thing-- One of my favorite sitcoms of all time is Roseanne . I love how it dealt with a lower-income family in a realistic way, but was still funny and irreverent, rather than depressing. Watch an episode of Roseanne , then watch an episode of Modern Family , and it's a little, well... Here's the thing: The whole premise of Modern Family is that these people are us. I mean, that's the premise, or the goal, of most sitcoms--that you identify in some way with the characters. The problem with Modern Family is that every once in awhile I'm reminded that I'm never going to truly identify with their characters, because their characters are sooo much richer than I am. And it's not like the show willingl...

I wanted to write something about SOPA/PIPA, but it seemed like it could turn into this epic essay on artistic property and politics and censorship, and frankly, I don't have the strength to write something that massive, so instead, I just want to confess to taking advantage of piracy, and also make a comment about how I feel about my own work, and hopefully try to tie the two together. I'm a film buff. A huge film buff. Every year when the Oscar nominations come out, I make sure to see everything that's nominated. Okay, that's not entirely true. It starts before the Golden Globe nominations come out. I usually see everything that could possibly be nominated for a Golden Globe in any potential category. That means I will sit through A Dangerous Method simply because Viggo Mortensen received a Best Supporting Actor nomination, and he might also be nominated for an Oscar. This is the level of my obsession. And every year, I find at least one film require...

I can't believe I'm about to tell a story that involves the progression of the Internet using my freshman year of high school as an example of "the Stone Age," but it's true. When I first started high school, information wasn't nearly as accessible as it is now. Oh sure, it was there, but there wasn't any Wikipedia and most search engines were still in their embryo form. You had to dig a lot deeper to find most of the information you can now find just by typing a few words into Google. One thing I clearly remember from being in high school is that we always had to find two kinds of sources for each paper or project: Online sources and book sources. Believe it or not, I still see students come into the library I work at with the same rules. "Only Three Online Sources Allowed." My co-workers and I try to explain to these students that there really isn't a difference between the two anymore. You can find magazine articles and whol...

If I had to pick the biggest problem with living in a celebrity-obsessed culture, and I often am asked to pick by various reporters, and, occasionally, Charlie Rose, I would say it's that people seem to have a hard time telling whether or not they're a celebrity. So I've decided to help clear things up for everyone. Here's how you know if you're a celebrity: 1) If, when describing how you're famous, you don't have to use the word "Youtube." Any fame involved with "Youtube" is not real fame. If people know who you are because you taught your dog to apply mustard to a hamburger and the video of it went viral, that's not fame--that's notoriety. There's a significant difference. Likewise-- 2) If you're well-known because of a reality show, that's not the same thing as fame. Fame has to be earned, either by writing a great novel, acting in a movie, becoming the World's Greatest Ice Sculptor, etc. Being ...

This is the time of year when we all revel in the Golden Globes fall-out. "Meryl beat Viola?! Kelsey Grammar won for Lead Actor in a Drama?! Why was Madonna there?!" It always surprises me that people forget the one Golden Rule of the Golden Globes: It's all about good tv. The Globes know they'll never be the Oscars, so instead of becoming just another awards show, they do their best to fill the show with as many celebrities as possible regardless of whether or not they deserve to be there. Somehow, they've always found a way to get Angelina Jolie there even during years when she didn't bother to make a movie, and that's just one example. It seems like their philosophy is--We all know who's going to win anyway, so why not just fill the other slots with people that audiences actually know about. (That explains how Viggo Mortensen got a nomination over Max Von Sydow.) That's the rule for films at least. When it comes to televisio...

I recently saw The Iron Lady as part of the final stretch of my Oscar viewing marathon. Every year, I try to see everything that could possibly be nominated for an Oscar. Some are guarantees to score at least one nod ( We Need to Talk About Kevin ) and some are long shots in every category ( Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy ). Usually, I find that I love at least one film that doesn't get nominated for anything and I hate one film that gets nominated for everything. Except for this year. This year, I seem to be unimpressed with almost all of the offerings. Oh, there are still a few films I'd recommend checking out-- The Artist is great, so is Young Adult --but most of the films seem to have the same problem. Execution. In other words, the ideas for these films are great, and in most cases, the style is there, but the final product just falls flat. For example, War Horse is a beautiful film. This is to be expected. Steven Spielberg never really does a poor job at ...

There's a word that gets tossed around on the Food Network and Top Chef a lot that really bothers me. "Inedible." Not an episode of Chopped or Top Chef or any of the competitive food cooking shows goes by without somebody using that word. And every time I hear it, I wince. It's almost like reading bad grammar. Why? Because it never seems to be used correctly. Somebody will overcook a piece of steak, so that it'll be well done instead of medium rare, and the head judge will say-- "This is inedible." The thing is--a well done steak is not inedible. I realize it's not as appetizing as a medium rare steak, but unappetizing and inedible are not interchangeable. Inedible is a word you use to describe things like plastic and asbestos chips--not poorly cooked food. It's hyperbolic, and I get that on television shows, that's the point, but it just comes off as incredibly pretentious. It's as if the judges are saying--...

Recently, a prayer banner was taken down at a local high school in the state where I live. The girl who wanted it removed is an atheist, and invoked separation of church and state. Obviously this set a lot of people off. Rhode Island is a very religious state, which is the reason we've had so much trouble getting people on the same page about gay marriage, whereas in neighboring Massachusetts, there's been much more progress. Every time I hear about a skirmish over religion, especially regarding separation of church and state, I always feel odd. Part of me thinks I should jump in the midst of the fight and defend my atheist brethren. The other part of me thinks, "Gee, why didn't they just leave well enough alone?" The truth is--when it comes to church and state--I don't mind. By which I mean, I don't mind that the separation is, let's face it, non-existent. The white elephant in the room is that our Founding Fathers were obviously hypocrite...

Nothing sets me off faster than hearing a gay guy say the following: "I'm just into masculine guys. If I wanted to date girls, I would." This usually tells me one of the following things about the speaker: 1) They've been out of the closet for less than five minutes. 2) They're saying this from inside the closet. 3) They're still in that self-hatred phase that most gay men find inexplicably attractive. 4) They're worried that they themselves may not be all that masculine. 5) They have no interest in learning anything about their community or its culture. In other words, I want nothing to do with them, and yet, I find myself engaged in debate with guys regarding the "masc/fem" thing over and over again. When I came out of the closet, I wasn't interested in dating a lumberjack (okay, maybe I was, but only for a day or a long weekend in Vermont). I was interested in dating another gay guy. In my head, this Ideal Gay Man wa...

I recently read an article that informed me of something I wasn't too surprised to learn: Rhode Island losing population more than any other state in the country. The article blamed this on economics, but I was a little put off to see that they weren't talking about a bigger cultural problem in the state. Ever since I was a kid, I've heard the master plans of my friends all include the following item: "Move." The fact is that a lot of people who are born here do not want to stay here. Why? Well, for one thing, we're very close to greener pastures. You can be in Boston in less than an hour, New York in less than four hours, and a lot of other places in less than a day. It's easy to say Rhode Island isn't as good as other places when those other places are so easy to get to. We forget that there are places in this country that would make Rhode Island look like Las Vegas in terms of activity. We still have all-night breakfast places, ...

Awhile ago, I wrote an essay about my favorite expression--"Hope is not a plan." The President was referring to the issues related to Hurricane Katrina, but the first time I heard President Obama say it, I thought it perfectly summed up exactly what happens when problems become disasters. It also seemed to be a perfect metaphor for what my generation usually does when a problem arises. Hope it goes away. Well, hope is fine, but it's not a plan. A few months ago, when Hurricane Irene was about to bear down on Rhode Island, I found myself echoing this statement again and again. This wasn't a hurricane that was going to catch us by surprise. We had five full business days to plan for it, and by the time the weekend rolled around and the hurricane was about to hit, we still weren't any more prepared than we were five days earlier. So what happened? Hope. Hope happened. Lucky for us, the hurricane wasn't as bad as it could have been, but even if...

There's a quality in men that I look for, and yet, I feel weird looking for it. It's all about the way they speak. Let me explain: If a guy isn't well-spoken, I tend to lose interest in him. My attraction level will go down, down, down. I'll start looking for a way to escape whatever coffee date or conversation I'm in. It makes me feel a little like...a snob. After all, intelligent people aren't always well-spoken, and what is intelligence anyway? It becomes a very philosophical argument. And yet, as soon as I tell someone I'm a librarian and they say--"That's awesome! I love li-berries! I'm, like, a wicked big readuh." I find myself inching away slowly. I admit, it's an odd thing to have qualms with, since I'm from Rhode Island, and since a lot of people here have accents. Plus, there are some accents that I actually like. I can't do a Rhode Island accent because, to me, it sounds like a watered down Bost...

This Summer... JOEY: I don't know if I can win this match. CAPPY: You gotta, Joey. You gotta. Your Mama's counting on you. JOEY: No, you don't understand Cappy. My Mama's the one I'm fighting. The Biggest Fight of His Life... MA: You know when we step into that ring, I'm not your mother anymore. JOEY: Who are you then? MA: I'm the @#$% who's @$#$ your #$%. JOEY: Geez, I didn't know you could swear like that in movie trailers. MA: I told you, it's called a mobile home. JOEY: Huh? ...Is the Mother of All Matches CAPPY: You gotta take her out. JOEY: But she's my Mom. CAPPY: And I'm your trainer! JOEY: She gave birth to me! CAPPY: I stitched up your eyebrow! JOEY: I was literally carried around inside of her for months! CAPPY: I held ice up against your broken lip! Don't Miss JOEY: I don't know if I can do this, Ma. MA: Don't worry, Joey. You won't have to do anything but lie t...

I often run into this situation with strangers--mostly in a professional context. I'm polite. The other person says or does something stupid. I'm no longer polite. People are always surprised when they're rude only to find that I'm going to be rude right back. Usually their response is-- "You're not very polite." But you see, they're wrong. I just happen to know the difference between "nice" and "polite." "Nice" is what my friends and family get (of course, if you ask my friends and family...) "Nice" is not conditional. I am nice to the people I care about, because I care about them and they've earned me being nice to them. "Polite" is what everybody else gets. "Polite" is a much more fragile state than "nice" is. Whereas if my mother was having a bad day and said something rude to me, I would remain nice and deal with the situation; if a stranger is rude t...

I've done it. Wait, hold your applause. Let me tell you what I've done first. I have come up with a solution for one of society's biggest nuisances. No, I'm not talking about salad forks, although goodness knows I wish I were. I'm talking about-- Onlooker Traffic How frustrated do we get when we sit in traffic for an hour assuming we're about to see some awful car wreck, and it turns out to be a guy getting towed or somebody getting pulled over, and everybody's just slowing down to commit vehicular eavesdropping? It's an embarrassment to all of civilization. The fact that there's a term for what happens when people don't mind their own business is nothing short of shameful. The Romans certainly never had this problem. If you slowed down on the road to watch some guy castrate his ox, you were beheaded...or something. Well, now we're going to fix onlooker traffic once and for all--and no, not through beheading--at least, not...

I've been a Democrat my entire life. Whereas some people might weigh their beliefs and come to a decision about which party they feel best exemplifies those beliefs, I was simply drawn to the Democratic party like a thirsty rhino to a watering hole. Yes, I've wavered from time to time. I was a Hillary supporter, and so I've always been one of those Democrats who's been tough on President Obama. That being said, I do think he's done a good job, but I'm not ignorant. I know many people in this country would like to see him tossed out. In fact, I was sure that if the Republican party found even a mildly suitable candidate for President, the man I voted for in 2008 was probably not going to get reelected. Lucky for me, it seems that when talking about Republican candidates, the term 'mildly suitable' is aiming too high. I'll admit that I'm not fond of all Republicans, but I certainly don't consider the ones I know to be stupid or craz...

The following is a semi-factual conversation that may or may not have happened between myself and a guy I had a relationship/fling/thing with at some point. Let's join this paraphrased, quasi-real conversation already in progress. ME: ...So you slept with the guy? MAN: Yeah. ME: Um, okay. That's a little...uh...Gosh, I really don't want to say hypocritical, but... MAN: How am I a hypocrite? ME: Um, well, remember when you said we couldn't hang out or date anymore because you thought I was just looking for something physical and you were looking for a relationship? MAN: You mean because you said you were just looking for friends with benefits and I wanted something meaningful so I don't wind up old and alone? ME: Wow, you're good at summarizing. And yes, that does, um, kind of--yeah, that's what happened. MAN: Okay, and? ME: Well, you just hooked up with someone. On the first date. So, clearly, that whole 'looking for a re...

I was having my first lunch of 2012 with the boys, and, as usual, Scooter was telling us about some guy whose soul he had just destroyed. SCOOTER: So then we spent all night together and I told him how much I liked him. Wait for it. SCOOTER: Then I deleted his number from my phone, and last night I hooked up with a guy who works at P.F. Chang's. BRIAN: Here comes a pun. SCOOTER: I totally P.F. banged him. BRIAN: Worse than I thought. TURNER: Why wouldn't you call him back if you liked him? SCOOTER: Because I liked him on the date, but then the next day I was kinda over it. ME: You're a horrible person. SCOOTER: Hahaha, oh KBroc. Always with the dark comedy. ME: No, I just mean you're a horrible person. That was completely sincere. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I ever thought Scooter was a great person. After all, he's done the following things: - Dated twin brothers only to break up with them for their father - Slashed t...

I've noticed a disturbing trend in the media lately, especially in regards to the arts and criticism. I would jokingly call it "Printing the Press Release." When I first started using the term, I could tell people just though I was being cynical. To be honest, I felt a little cynical. A part of me felt like one of those conspiracy theorists who think the Easter Bunny killed Lincoln. Now, rather than feel like maybe I was onto something all along, I tend to think that the situation has just gotten much, much worse. So what kind of situation am I talking about? Mainly, I'm talking about journalistic laziness. Then again, that doesn't really seem fair, since my targets here are reviewers and reviewers are not journalists. Then again, with newspapers quickly going the way of the cotton gin, like it or not, reviewers are having to do double duty as both arts writers AND critics. That means the same person who writes a two-page feature on a production where ...