This Can't Be Broccoli

There's a group of people out there that are getting harder and harder to identify: Racists. That's why I've come up with this handy guide so that you can tell when you're talking to a racist. Who knows? You might already be married to a racist. Your cousin might be a racist. In the words of the musical Avenue Q, "Everyone's a little bit racist," but some people are really racist--and sneaky about it, too. So here's how you spot a racist: 1) They say things like "I'm not a racist, but..." Anything following that is going to be racist. That's your first tip: Racists say racist things. It's the same way with homophobic people. If someone says "I'm not homophobic, but the gays are going to burn," it doesn't really matter that they denied BEING homophobic, because they immediately followed it up with a homophobic statement. "I'm not a racist, but was slavery really all that bad?" See that? Y...

Burger King is now the first fast food chain to try and bring brunch to the masses. Attempting to mainstream the once high class mid-meal, Burger King is now offering assorted brunch sandwiches, whoppers, and their own version of a mimosa--made with Sprite instead of champagne. That's right--a Burger King mimosa. Needless to say, this idea is already making waves. Watchdog groups are already complaining that the BK Mimosa glamorizes drinking to young children. I disagree--Gossip Girl glamorizes mimosas. If anything, Burger King is going to severely devalue the image of a mimosa. I mean--Sprite? The whole concept of a mimosa came about because rich people like getting drunk before five on a Sunday afternoon! You can't MAINSTREAM that. That's like trying to mainstream a rainbow. A glorious, rich, lush of a rainbow. As for the rest of the menu, all they're doing is taking what they offer later in the day and offering it earlier. So now, not only do we live in a country ...

In the foreword to her acclaimed novel "American Wife," Curtis Sittenfeld admits that she wrote the book because of the affection she felt for Laura Bush after reading a biography on her. This puzzled her since Laura Bush is the wife of a man that most Democrats would like to erase from the history books. At first, I thought Sittenfeld was simply an anomaly, but then I read the biography myself, as well as Sittenfeld's fictional biography on the former First Lady, and I felt my resolve begin to weaken. Now, details about Laura Bush's new autobiography have come out, and in it, she talks extensively about losing her faith after killing one of her classmates in an automobile accident. Strangely, this was the final push that sent me over the cliff of affection into full-blown love for Laura Bush... ...while still completely deploring her husband. Oh, don't think that she turns against him in this new book. She defends his flying over New Orleans after Katrina in a ...

I have a new guilty pleasure. Finding out what food is killing me. Every time you log onto a website now, you find a new Worst List. Worst Pasta Dishes Worst Seafood Dishes Worst Kosher Dishes They're put out by the guy who writes the "Eat This, Not That" books, and I can only imagine how much his stock must be skyrocketing now that he's managed to condense those ridiculous 70-page tomes of his into bite-sized online nuggets. He talks about saturated fat, high calorie count, and gluttony the likes of which hasn't been seen since the Arabian nights. And quite frankly, I'm eating it up. Now when I'm at work, I regale my co-workers with stories of the meals that are slowly clogging up their arteries and destroying their organs. It's become a fun thing we do to bond as colleagues. "Susan, did you know that the Shrimp Bistro Pasta at the Cheesecake Factory has enough fat in it to stop your heart after three bites?" "I EAT THAT ALL THE TIME!...

I have a problem with "Sex and the City." Well, not really... I love Miranda, I love Samantha, even Charlotte... I think the writing is crisp and funny. I went to see the movie. I'm planning on seeing the sequel. My problem lies with a particular relationship that I believe has destroyed any chance of the independent women of my generation having a realistic perspective on dating. That's right--I'm talking about Carrie and Big. I knew from the series finale, and the subsequent movie, that these two were going to do detrimental harm. The fact is, the ending of the tv show and the movie offered up a happy ending to what, in real life, is more often than not, a very unhappy situation. Carrie and Big got together because that's what single women out there want to believe--that the married jerk who treats them poorly is one day going to have a burst of self-awareness and become the perfect husband. Um...no. It doesn't happen. Ironically, I think "Sex and...

Today was my brother's confirmation. My family made up three pews in the cathedral. Row One: Myself (Gay), My Mom (Divorced), Stepdad (Divorced), My Other Brother (Child of Two Divorced People) Row Two: My Uncle (Felon), My Cousin (Free of Sin--Bitch), My Grandmother (Twice Divorced--Double the Sin) Row Three: My Other Cousin (Pre-marital sex--and lots of it), My Uncle (Infidelity) and My Aunt (Episcopalian--Need I Say More?) So there we all are--nobody planning to get communion. Why, you may ask, does a family like this force one of its own to be confirmed in the Catholic church anyway? Because like any good lapsed Catholic family, we're still terrified of the things we don't believe in, and we love an excuse to party on a Sunday afternoon. Nevertheless, I repeat, nobody was going to get communion. It's a simple enough thing to avoid. When everyone else stands up and forms that giant line, you just sit where you are, and keep your eyes peeled on whatever stained gla...

Everybody already knows that vampires are huge, but that doesn't mean they can't get huge-er, right? I mean, we've already tapped into Vampire Romance (Twilight) and Vampire Southern Gothic (True Blood) and Vampire Whiney Teen Melodrama (The Vampire Diaries), but that's just the tip of the iceberg! Here are ten more ways to work vampires into movies that probably shouldn't have vampires in them-- 10) Noir Vampires Sample Line: "But Detective, I just don't see how Winston could have killed Bradford...when he was ALREADY DEAD!" Dramatic Music! 9) Michael Bay Vampires Sample Line: "No, I'm not going to suck your blood. I'm just going to blow up three trucks and an oil tanker!" Cue Ballad sung by Fading Country Superstar 8) Blacksploitation Vampires Sample Line: "You a nasty punk, Dracula. But not as nasty as my wooden d**k." Cue Theme from "Shaft" 7) Michael Cera Vampires Sample Line: "Um, well, yeah, I...

On Thursday, Archie Comics announced that a new gay character would be brought into the world of Archie and the Gang. Archie's hometown of Riverdale has always been a safe world for everyone. It just makes sense to have an openly gay character in Archie comic books," said Jon Goldwater, Archie Comics co-CEO. I'll admit that it's not exactly Stonewall, but I'm beginning to think maybe gay rights comes into little steps like this one. Who would have thought the people behind one of the most America-centric comics in history would be so gay-friendly? (I also might be partial because the new gay character's name is Kevin.) Kevin's going to roll into town, beat Jughead at a burger eating contest, and then shoot down Veronica when she falls for him. What I love is that they're not going to do some special episode where Kevin gets beaten up, and Archie learns about tolerance. They're just working him into a comedic story like any other character. Now, fo...

I recently had lunch with my good friend, Suri Cruise. We met at Pop Pop, the premiere hang-out for underage celebrities, and by underage I mean six and under--the sippy cups are made out of platinum. Suri's nanny dropped her off, and right away, she looked perturbed. SURI: I see they gave my table to Apple...again. I looked over to see Apple Martin gossiping with SJP's two daughters over orange juice mocktails. SURI: Ugh, Apple is so old. Why doesn't she hang out with geriatrics her own age? ME: Suri, I'm, like, twenty years older than her. SURI: I know, you're ancient, but that's, like, big right now. Being ancient, not just old. So you're cool. ME: Okay, great. Despite the stamp of approval, sitting in a high chair was starting to chafe. ME: Don't they have normal chairs here? SURI: Stop being a biz-natch. ME: Sorry. SURI: I can't wait until I'm fourteen so I can say real swear words. She e-mailed somebody on her blackberry and the...

I had a really good conversation with someone today about the depreciation in people seeing each other's shows in the state. When I did my solo show and "Mary Stuart," I was incredibly touched by the amount of support I found within the community. Some of my friends even came multiple times. Still, there were definitely people whose absence I noticed--mainly because their absences have become commonplace. Now, I came to the conclusion awhile ago that you have to celebrate the people who do show up, and forget about the people that don't, but what still amazes me are the people who take absolutely no interest in what I do, and then ask to be involved whenever I have a new project on the horizon. Here's a hint: The easiest way to get involved is to go see something. Pretty simple, right? And I've heard every excuse. My favorite is--"I have no money" followed by eight tagged photos of the person drinking at a bar. Last time I checked my shows were c...

"You betrayed your mother." This is my mother talking. "I have been betrayed." She feels betrayed because my young brother David has decided that at the age of eighteen, he'd like to move out of my Mom's house and get a place with his friends before going to a college in another part of the state. Knowing that this is something that would drive my mother past eighteen boxes of Kleenex, my brother asked my advice about the situation and then asked me not to tell her that he was thinking of moving out. I agreed. ...Big Mistake... I stopped by my Mom's house to say "Hello," and the instant I walked in the door, I knew I was in for it. David was sitting at the kitchen table looking like a political prisoner. "She knows." "What do you mean she knows?" "She looked through my phone." "You left your phone in plain sight?!? Are you insane?" When you live with my mother, you have to act as if you're living in ...

It's been eleven years since the shooting at Columbine. I was a freshman in high school when it happened. Since then, there have been other shootings. Yet for some reason, the name "Columbine" is the one that still stops people in their tracks. I could try to reconstruct a timeline of the repercussions caused by the shooting, but it would be impossible to figure out how many tributaries sprung up from that one tragic river. Instead, I thought I'd recount how I remember feeling changed after the shooting. It was such a personal experience for so many people my age. There is no general feeling about it, and maybe that's why it still sticks to so many minds. Like Vietnam or one of the World Wars, it's become a generational marker. I remember always having a liberal way of thinking, but after Columbine, I became a fervent liberal. When conservatives were shooting down suggestions for tougher gun control, all I could think about was how insensitive they were....

Remember when people actually believed that the storylines on televised wrestling were real? I recall having large arguments on the playground with my friends. I would insist that every part of what I saw on television was true. People who tried to debunk wrestling went on the same black list as those who said Santa wasn't real. Ironically, when wrestling finally stopped pretending to be real, it became bigger than ever. Not having to worry about people believing what they saw meant that the storylines could get even more outlandish, and therefore more entertaining. It also became a lot easier to watch the matches because you could tell yourself--"Well, it's not REALLY happening" even though, as wrestlers will tell you, there's nothing fake about going through a table or having a three hundred pound guy jump on top of you. Now, it's common knowledge that wrestling is fake, but there's now another pop culture phenomenon ready to come out of the closet: R...

In honor of the Library of Congress archiving Twitter, I decided to pick some tweetable quotes from my favorite celebrities. Wisdom, wit, and wackiness all in 140 characters. And all from dead people! “The more I see of men the more I like dogs.” ~ Madame de Stael “The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.” ~ Oscar Wilde “A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation” ~ Mark Twain “You can drag a horticulture, but you can't make her think.” ~ Dorothy Parker “I speak two languages: Body and English.” ~ Mae West “'This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'” ~ Douglas Adams “If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace” ~ Thomas Paine “People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.” ~ Ann Landers “Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award.” ~ Billy Wilder

Larry King is now seeking his 8th divorce with his seventh wife. Here's a walk through some of his previous marriages: Wife #1: In 82 B.C., Larry married Ozi--at least, I think that was her name. This was before the alphabet was invented. He dragged her away from the fire pit, and brought her back to his stone hut near the Great River where he began hosting Larry King Live thousands of years before television. It was a huge hit in the Clan of the Brown Monkey. Larry's new found fame put a schism between he and Ozi, and he divorced her. Shortly thereafter, she was eaten by a raptor. Wife #2: The second lucky lady to snag Larry's eighty-seven year old heart was one Helga Svonstead. She came over with the Vikings to the New World, where Larry was reporting on a boon in the elk population. They shared many a passionate night on Helga's ship--eating herring and singing 'Er det alt din horn eller er du rättvis lycklig över se jag?' which loosely translates i...

An unauthorized biography on Oprah written by Kitty Kelley was released this week to much attention and controversy. Many of the juiciest details in the book seem to be fabricated, and even by fabrication standards, they're not all that juicy. Previous targets of Kelley's include The Bush Family and Nancy Reagan, and she's not exactly known for her journalistic integrity. It's basically spruced-up, pulp non-fiction. Something about this biography, however, seems particularly disarming to me, and that's because though she may be one of the most famous women in the world, Oprah Winfrey is a private citizen. I have no problem with people writing books about politicians. When you go into politics, you expect the public eye to be cast on you. Bad publicity comes with the job. A celebrity, however, is a different matter. A talk show host, even one that's had a particularly loud and far-reaching voice in politics, is not the same thing as a politician. Oh, I know wh...

Time magazine ran a very interesting cover story this week on a Harvard economist named Ronald Fryer Jr. who studied what would happen if kids were given money for doing well in school. In some instances it was for reading, while in another school it was based on grades and attendance. The results varied, but what the Fryer found was that the kids who were paid to read and attend school did that, and improved their test scores at the end of the year. Of course, Fryer met with a lot of resistance--mainly from psychologists who argued that students should learn for the love of learning and not for money. Funnily enough, this argument sways me towards Fryer's way of thinking. I don't work because I love to work. I work because I need money. Most people in America right now hold the jobs they hold because they need money, not for the love of the job. Amanda Ripley, the author of the Time article, points out several times that it's almost as if we're holding kids to a hi...

I always wanted to be an actor. When I was eight years old, I figured out that acting was that thing I could do and fail at and not care. Not like sports. When I failed at sports, I cared. I cared because I knew I would always fail at sports, and it made me feel like I was less than what I should be. When I failed at acting, I felt like I was progressing even within the failure. I felt like I was on the way to something. At age eight, a teacher gave me a lead role. I was a kid who wouldn't shut up, and maybe she realized that putting me onstage was a great way to channel all that talking into actual speaking. It was the first time anybody looked proud of me. I'm sure people said they were proud of me before, but that was the first time I ever remember anybody looking proud of me. And that was that. The funny thing is, ever since I became an actor, everyone always seems to want to make me something else. I realize it's the nature of the love, but the discouragement to...

I'm a little...appalled. A woman adopts a child from a Siberian orphanage. The child starts to show aggressive and violent behavior. The mother sends him back to Russia after a year with a letter and some crayons. Wow, isn't this just a coup for the American image? Now, Russians are freezing adoptions to America because they say other instances have occurred where children have been abused and even murdered after being adopted and taken to Americans. How bad is it when RUSSIA doesn't want to send their children here rather than let them stay in a Siberian orphanage? I have major issues with this adoptive mother. For one thing, in my mind, an adoption is the same as actually having a child. One day I hope to adopt, and if my kid turns out to be excessively violent, I will deal with that because they will be my child. The language that this woman used in her letter was absolutely repulsive. She said that the child was given up after being with an alcoholic mother. Obvio...

Okay, I just received over twelve requests to help my friends get votes for their "Glee" audition videos. On Friday, many of them will be heading to the Emerald Mall to audition for a chance to--God, I don't even know what. People, let's think about this: In the fall, when Season Two of "Glee" starts, do you think they're going to say-- "This is our new cast member. We found them on Myspace." NOBODY IS WATCHING THOSE VIDEOS! Whoever wins the most votes will probably be some online junkie on unemployment from California who will do a horrible rendition of "Paparazzi" while stroking their cat. Even better-- "This is the new star of 'Glee.' We found him at the Emerald Square Mall. He's 25 and he was just in 'Cats' at the Medfield Community Theater." Does this sound logical to any of you? Please, stop this 'Glee' insanity. It's all a way for the show to get publicity. They obviously have zero ...

As part of my journey to become a better person, I've decided to forgive a few people who have wronged me in the past. Many of them will, of course, not know that I'm forgiving them, but forgiveness isn't about them, it's about me. Most of them are selfish anyway, so why bother lightening their burdens? Anyway, let's begin: - I forgive my third grade music teacher Mrs. Berger for taking away my solo in "Bambi" because I couldn't sing above the piano. Actually, I should thank her, because though I am still not a good singer, I am the loudest not-so-good singer you've ever heard. - I forgive my mother for not letting me take piano lessons. I understand now that she wanted me to cultivate hobbies that would stick with me--which explains how I wound up involved with soccer and karate. Now where did I leave that black belt? - I forgive the high school drama teacher who gave me Grumio in 'The Taming of the Shrew' even though, to this day, it ...

Details Magazine ran a feature entitled "The Best Clothes for a Night on the Town." Rather than simply tell me what outfits to wear when I'm headed out for a burger and karaoke, Details decided to show these ensembles in their own environment--namely hipster get-togethers and 'True Blood' viewing parties. They were practically begging me for captions... ...So I obliged. http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201004/slim-cut-suits-for-24-hour-party-people#slide=1 (From Left to Right) Stan is feeling awkward in his Etro shirt and Och tie--should he have worn the Och shirt and Etro tie? Good thing "uncomfortable" is the new "sulty." Meanwhile, Megan is tripping hardcore while wearing a fabulous Open Ceremony dress. She's imaging that she's back in Bali on Spring Break waking up in a new motel courtyard every night. Uh oh, somebody forgot to tell Antonio that mesh shirts are a big no-no (even if they're Prada). Once ...

Recently, there's been a new outburst of movies in 3-D. With higher ticket prices and enough of a "wow" factor to keep audiences happy even when the movies themselves aren't so great, it's no surprise that Hollywood is planning to push out even more 3-D product in the coming year. I was willing to go along for the ride. I like 3-D movies, and I'll admit that it does make movie-going more of an experience, but when I heard that they're considering converting older movies like Titanic into the 3-D format, I knew things had gone too far. Look, 3-D is a genre, just like horror or suspense. That means that not every movie can be a 3-D movie. If you want to go back and make Die Hard even more eye-popping that's fine, but please don't try to have Billy Crystal coming at me during When Harry Met Sally just to milk a few extra bucks out of a classic. (If you think I'm exaggerating, google some of the movies they're thinking of tinkering with a...

10. You Can't Do That on Television - Now whenever I say "water" or "I don't know" I look up and expect to have something fall on my head. 9. David the Gnome - That whole nose kissing thing? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that made me gay. 8. Clarissa Explains It All - Apparently it's NOT okay to have an alligator in your bedroom. 7. Roundhouse - Every Monday morning I would go to school and burst into song, and every Monday morning I'd get beaten up by kids who didn't have Nickelodeon. 6. Are You Afraid of the Dark? - I still have nightmares about that f**king girl-in-the-mirror-in-the-abandoned-house episode. 5. Full House - Until I was ten, I though Bob Saget was a comedic genius. 4. Red Shoe Diaries - Not sure why I was allowed to watch that... 3. Figure It Out - Now whenever I look at people, I wonder if they can juggle with their feet or sing the National Anthem while gargling. 2. Ghostwriter - I went through my old Ghostwriter noteboo...

The ipad is making news all over the place, but there are some features that even the savviest techies aren't aware of yet. Here are the top ten hidden tricks your ipad has hiding up its sleeve: 10) At the push of a button, Barbara Eden will read your e-mail to you. 9) There's an app that tells you when your wife stops loving you. 8) An alarm goes off whenever ninjas are about to attack you. 7) With a special mail-in rebate, you can get the entire first season of 'L.A. Law.' 6) There's an attachment that allows the ipad to give you a liposuction. 5) Instead of suggesting restaurants you may want to eat in, it'll just drive you there and tell you what to order before taking you back to its docking pad and having its way with you. (Oh come on, like you weren't asking for it.) 4) You know those annoying photos people take of themselves while posing in front of their bathroom mirrors? Now you can make those photos LIFE-SIZE! 3) Point it at someone you ...

“No one should have the right to use government funds or institutions to portray acts that are morally reprehensible to the vast majority of Americans.” ~ David Dewhurst, Lt. Governor of Texas When I read that quote, I knew that I was not taking the month off I had promised myself. Doing show after show after show had become a little tiring, so I decided that April/May was going to be my time off from performing. Then, Tarleton State University in Stephenville, Texas banned a production of Terrence McNally's play "Corpus Christi" because it is the story of Christ set in a small town in Texas, and by the way, Jesus is gay. I had read the play a few years ago, and to be honest, I wasn't all that blown away by it. When I'm looking to produce something, I tend to steer more towards intellectual or clever writing, and I didn't see anything clever about this play. On a second read, I found that I was wrong. There was a definite sense of humor present in the play....

- A sampling of what my family Easter sounded like this year. -- AUNTIE: They grind at school dances now. Kevin, did you do that? KEVIN: Yeah, of course. AUNTIE: I can't believe that! GRANDMA: I used to grind too. MOM: You don't know what you're saying. KEVIN: Grandma, you didn't grind. GRANDMA: I did too! I used to grind with your grandfather. MOM, AUNTIE, KEVIN: Ewww!!! . . . . . KEVIN: Where was your senior prom? GRANDMA: The Cocke and Kettle. KEVIN: The Cocke and Kettle? AUNTIE: And then came Uncle Billy. . . . . . AUNTIE: You don't really know what grinding is, Ma. GRANDMA: What is it then? KEVIN: Remember Dirty Dancing? GRANDMA: Yeah. KEVIN: It's like that. GRANDMA: Oh, well we didn't do that. AUNTIE: You see? GRANDMA: We did a lot worse. MOM: Oh God! . . . . . KEVIN: So did the Cocke call the Kettle black? MOM: Kevin! KEVIN: Hey, she put the Cocke out there. . . . . . KEVIN: I usually read at this nursing home. You'd ...

Have you noticed that men's magazines are always eager to tell you that something they loved six weeks ago is now a "fashion mistake?' I swear some of these were on the "To Buy" list for the fall. I realize fashion is constantly changing, but the minute they tell me to throw out my Superman t-shirt, I'm done. Anyway, here come the errors in judgment according to GQ: 1. Embellished Jeans: Okay, I think there are levels of embellishment. My favorite pair of jeans has an outline of a pentagon on them. Is that really all that bad? I can understand thinking that a phoenix rising from the ashes while a crowd looks on all embroidered in tan thread is going overboard, but there's got to be a middle ground here. 2. Guylights: I agree with this one whole-heartedly. Either dye your hair or leave it the way it is, but playing around with frosted tips is just...well...gay. And if you're gay already, then it doesn't matter, because it never looks goo...

Easter is a weird holiday in my family. For one thing, we're not religious. Oh sure, if you ask my mother, she says we are. Nevertheless, we don't go to church. We haven't gone to church. There is no potential church in our future. We've all been baptized and confirmed. Everyone got married in a church. Church has been there to create markers for our lives. All that aside, we're not religious. So why do we celebrate such a religious holiday? I don't think of Christmas in the same way. Christmas has become more than a holiday; it's a season. It's a cultural phenomenon. To avoid it would be like trying to avoid a hug from my grandmother on your birthday (it's not going to happen). Easter, however, seems easier to dodge. It wouldn't be impossible to let it slip by and carry on with life. So why don't we? Well, for one thing, it becomes a nice excuse to have the family together for dinner. Lately, we need the world to shut down to get us...

Now that Terrence McNally's Corpus Christi has been banned in Texas, I have decided to move there and directing theater full-time. Here are the ten shows I plan on producing first: 10) Jesus Loves Chachi 9) Everything You Wanted to Know About Sodomy But Were Afraid to Ask 8) God is Dead: A Musical Comedy 7) An Evening with Richard Dawkins 6) Eighteen Naked Gay Men Playing Ping Pong 5) The First Three Episodes of "Dallas" Performed as an Erotic Marionette Show 4) St. Peter Likes His Pig Too Much 3) Do They Know It's Easter in Iran? 2) Texas, or How a Bunch of White Guys Stole Land from the Mexicans and Then Slaughtered Everybody in Sight Until People Stopped Wanting It Back And the number one show I want to produce in Texas-- 1) Kiss of the Spider Woman Hey, I have to do one mainstream show for the kids, don't I?