This Can't Be Broccoli

I'm determined to prove that 2009 wasn't that bad a year by using my 2009 Alphabet. First thing that pops into my mind and it HAS to be an optimistic thing. Here we go-- A - Andrew Holder graduated from Rhode Island College--granted, he burned the place down on the way out, but he managed to do it without ruining his hair. B - Book, namely 'Let the Great World Spin' by Colum McCann--one of the best I've ever read. C - 'Coast of Utopia: Part One--Voyage.' I decided to return to directing by taking on Tom Stoppard, heavy philosophy, and Russian history. How did I pull it off? Three reasons: My cast, my cast, my cast. D - Dexter--enough said. E - 'Everything's Possible'--I had so much fun doing a show in Christin's bookstore. Her support and the support of the people who performed in the show and came to see it helped start my year off on exactly the right track. F - Fallon's wedding. I've never been so happy for someone. She'...

I kick writing around a lot. I've used it--actually, pimped it out might be a better term--to get my acting recognized. I've beaten it up to make it work for different kinds of people and performers. I've handed it away, and cut ties with it. I've denied how much I like to to do it in comparison to other things. In general, I haven't really shown it much appreciation. So I'll say this-- Writing saved my life. Until I started making writing a regular part of my life, I felt like I had so much inside me, and no way to get it out. I had no idea how many more doors could open if I just started putting down all the things that were running around inside my head. People have been so supportive of me. To think that this year was bookended by a wonderful show done by wonderful friends in Christin's bookstore and ended at Perishable Theatre and the Artists' Exchange with three times that many people paying to hear what I'd written is something I can't r...

There's only one reason I go on Twitter. "Off to Wash. For the 'ennedy Center honors. Sitting on train behind Sting. Nice man" Barbara Walters. Since I joined Twitter, updating it has been a chore. I don't have a fancy phone. As my friend Phil says, if you can't update from your phone, Twitter is pretty much pointless. Still, I log on and update. Why? In the hopes that I'll get an update from Babs. "Just did Adam Lambert. Newsy" Who knew that of everyone in the Twitterverse, Barbara Walters would have the best one? "Saturday. Bought a hat going to theatre to see Hamlet." I'm not entirely sure she even knows where her updates go. I think she thinks she's just popping little sentences into a computer and then they're flying off to some magical land. And yet, there's so much subtext in her twitting. "Got a Lifetime. Achievement Award from the News Emmys last night. Really nice. Katie Couric introed me. Also really n...

Quick note on Nine: Admission: I haven't seen the show, but I've been watching clips of the revival on Youtube, and I'm about to say something shocking-- I think the role worked better with Antonio Banderas than it did with Daniel Day-Lewis. I know, I know, but please don't kill me. I actually think Javier Bardem would have worked as well. The problem with Daniel Day-Lewis becomes the problem with the movie. Daniel Day-Lewis is a tremendous actor and he doesn't care if people like him. The problem is that we need to like spending two hours with Guido or he just becomes this asshole who's being mean to all these women that we really like. (I was talking with my friend Tommy about this and he echoed some of my feelings about the character.) I liked what I saw of Antonio Banderas because I could see that what he really wanted was universal love, and I didn't get that at all from Daniel Day-Lewis. With him, I just felt like it was all about childhood infatua...

What is your favorite word? - Work What is your least favorite word? - Soprano What turns you on? - Serial Killers What turns you off? - Loving Glances What sound or noise do you love? - FBLB (Fierce Black Lady Belting) What sound or noise do you hate? - A singer going into headvoice What is your favorite curse word? - Shipoopi What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? - Trophy Wife What profession would you not like to do? - Good Samaritan If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? - "Did you die of starvation? You're so skinny!"

Let me make the case for why "Up in the Air" is, as Entertainment Weekly reports, the best movie of the year: 10) The direction is perfect. This may sound weird, but I always feel proud of a director when I've seen all their movies in the theater--watched them grow and get better. It's almost like they're a friend. And let me tell you something, Jason Reitman is one hell of a good friend. First "Thank You for Smoking," then "Juno," and now "Up in the Air." Three completely different movies, filmed in different styles, all with the same sense of confident style and intelligence. 9) The opening and semi-closing moments done by real people. Incredibly moving. 8) Vera Farmiga talking about what she wants in a man. Great moment. 7) Anna Kendrick--two great moments: Firing someone via computer for the first time and singing karaoke while drunk. 6) Random cameos--J.K. Simmons, Sam Elliott, Amy Morton (that was a--Wait! Is that A...

Nothing sells you on a movie like a good trailer. So, here's my attempt at a trailer for Mary Stuart to convince those of you that "may" want to audition to just come out and audition. Before you start reading, hear that voice from the trailers in your heard--You know, the "In a world..." guy. Okay, here it goes. "In a world--" Just kidding. Let's try that again. PAULET: Everything turns to weapons in her hands. This Spring HANNAH: Is this any way to treat a queen? The Laws of Nations have been denied. HANNAH: You say this is sanctuary? BURLEIGH: Talk not of power. It lies not with a prisoner. Power has been corrupted. TALBOT: You cannot bend and sway to public opinion. ELIZABETH: What I hear is that you are an advocate for England’s enemy. By the men behind the woman. BURLEIGH: The Queen has issued a silent mandate. PAULET: I believe it is you who best speaks without words, Lord Burleigh. And two daughters of royalty-- MARY: I wish to me...

Make more friends. Hold fewer grudges. Read more books. Stop buying magazines just because the covers are nice. Don't feel pressured to like something you don't like. Drink less coffee. Rediscover your love of pizza. Treat being bitchy like eating chocolate--give it to yourself as a reward when you've been really nice for at least a week. More praise. Less criticism. Either cancel Netflix or start watching movies. Learning to make scrambled eggs? Check. Next up--duck a l'orange. Stop saying you like jazz if you don't actually listen to jazz. Don't Touch (In general, that's just good advice.) Listen more. Whine less. Let people ask for a suggestion before you offer one. Smile--all these years I've been forgetting to smile. And please, please, please let this be the year I somehow find the deep inner strength to quit biting my nails.

Many critics have labeled this last decade a failure. Between 9/11, tsunamis, Hurricane Katrina, and The Hills, many people have decided that the 00's was one of the worst decades in history. Apparently some people have forgotten the World War Decades, the Vietnam years, the onslaught of AIDS in the 80's, and that period in the 90's when people actually listened to Vanilla Ice. I refuse to say this decade was a failure. And you know what? Even if it was, the next decade certainly isn't going to be any better by labeling this one a loss. I think the biggest problem of this decade was--Yes, here's where I become a self-help guru--negativity. The patterns I saw over and over again from the time I was sixteen on was "Lift 'em up, then watch 'em fall." Pick a person, a situation, a show, a movie--and laud it. Praise it. Plaster it across the skies. Then take it down. Degrade it. Attack it. Now we're trying to do that to an entire decade. Well, ...

Based on the trailer, here's what I think the Sex and the City sequel is about: - Carrie is doing exactly what she's done since the show started--looking into a closet filled with shoes and smiling. - Charlotte has started a cupcake making business - Miranda is smart - Samantha likes guys And they're in the desert. Then Carrie has to get work as a waitress. Somebody gets married. The girls become a pop group called "Cougarz." Aiden comes back and marries Carrie (Hey, a boy can dream). Charlotte adopts twelve more kids and gets a show on TLC. Miranda becomes a lesbian (Hey, Cynthia Nixon can dream). Samantha sleeps with the Pope. Carrie writes a book that becomes a tv show that becomes a movie that gets a sequel about a woman writing a book that becomes a tv show that becomes a post-modern Rubik's cube. Charlotte reveals that all these years she's been into bondage. Miranda becomes a lesbian and then becomes boring. Samantha finds out the Pope gave her Hepa...

Enough with the bitchy Facebook statuses, let's get down and dirty. First off, I liked Avatar, not as a movie, but as a video game. It felt like one of those rides at Universal Studios--particularly the Back to the Future ride where you're placed in front of a giant movie screen and images come flying out at you. So basically, it's fun. Because rides are fun. And in many ways, it's a true movie-going experience. This is not something that you can experience watching in your living room. James Cameron said he wanted to make a movie you had to see in movie theaters, and he succeeded. Now onto the negatives. If they spent 300 million, then at least one million could have gone to a screenwriter, who could have made the movie's script at least a little bit stronger. I have a hard time respecting James Cameron when he's one of those directors who basically wants to make silent films. No concern with the story, the characters, or the acting. He just wants pretty ...

I should explain my General Hospital fixation. When I was in 7th Grade, I would get home around two o'clock, and the first thing I did was turn on the television. Two summers before 7th Grade my grandmother got me addicted (and believe me, I wish there was a stronger word) to Days of Our Lives. She thought I would like the Marlena possession storyline, which I did. (I was eleven.) The following summer I became a huge Carrie/Mike fan (damn you, Carrie/Austin people), and when I had to go back to school, I was infuriated because it meant I was going to have to miss the fall-out from the Austin/Sammy wedding being thwarted by Carrie...and Mike. (I won't even bother explaining that except to say that the wedding took five days, and it involved Roman, Sammy's father, pretending to pass out in order to stall the wedding. The late 90's were some good times on Days.) Getting home at 2pm meant I missed Days, and not wanting to ask my mother to tape it for me for obvious reas...

When a blizzard strikes, you plan on doing the following things: 1) Catching up on movies you should watch. 2) Reading books you should read. 3) Cleaning. 4) More cleaning. 5) Shopping for groceries ahead of time. 6) Making a meal with the groceries you've bought. 7) Shoveling as soon as the snow stops. Instead-- You watch "Steel Magnolias" and "Bring It On" two times each, and half of "Moonstruck," which makes you want to watch all of "Moonstruck," so you do, and then you watch "Bring it On" again. You go to every website you've ever been to ever to prevent yourself from having to look at your untouched copy of some National Book Award winner. You look at dirty dishes. You look at dirty dishes. You look at dirty dishes. You look at more dirty dishes. You go to the market two hours before the snow hits, and nearly shove an older woman out of the way when she blocks the beef stew shelf. You put the beef stew in the cupboar...

As it pertains to the theater, a triple threat would be someone who is adept at singing, dancing, and acting. A triple threat is not someone who excels at dancing, can sort of carry a tune, and knows how to read words out loud. That is probably a dancer who probably can't sing and isn't a very good actor. Why is it when someone is a strong actor, semi-decent singer, and can move all right nobody calls them a triple threat, but when someone is a great dancer and manages to sort of pull off the other two everyone's quick to label them a triple threat? Thoughts?

Whenever you feel insecure, have lunch with your friends. SCOOTER: People really don't like you. ...And they'll make you feel even worse. I was having lunch with the boys, and the subject of being liked came up. ME: I feel like some people don't like me. BRIAN: Some? Try a lot. ME: I'm sorry? SCOOTER: People really don't like you. ME: What people? BRIAN: Lots of people. I turned to Turner, my supportive friend. ME: Turner? TURNER: Some people like you... I noticed he was focusing on an area directly above my head--meaning he was lying. BRIAN BRIAN: We like you. Isn't that reassuring? ME: Not at all, actually. SCOOTER: Kevin-- ME: I might even feel worse. Brian tapped the table with his fork--meaning he had an idea. BRIAN: You're like Evita. ME: You mean I used to be a whore? BRIAN: Well, that, and you're a polarizing figure. TURNER: It's true. People who love you love you a lot, and people who don't love you-- SCOOTER: Hate y...

If you want to get in the Christmas spirit Play "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"--obviously Watch "It's a Wonderful Life"--obviously Go see "A Christmas Carol"--obviously But if that's still not working Put up Christmas lights around your microwave Start a caroling group comprised of Austrian orphans Throw a costume party Where everybody has to come Dressed up like obscure Christmas characters Like the Little Match Girl If it hasn't snowed where you are Then make a snowman out of cotton balls Granted, you'll need a LOT more cotton balls But it'll be worth it Because you'll have the cushiest snowman EVER Rent reindeer as pets for the holiday season Just make sure you own a farm And that you a stable And that you're good with animals That might be surly Because reindeer can be surly Also, rent "Ernest Saves Christmas" And other movies that involve Characters saving Christmas Because in those movies Christmas is a...

The Golden Globe nominations were released today. Some thoughts: - Can Avatar really be that good? The Globes have a habit of nominating movies that they haven't actually, you know, seen. - Couldn't they have nominated Meryl as one person for both performances in Julie and Julia and It's Complicated as one combined nomination, and given another slot to another actress? She wouldn't necessarily have to have won for both, but since there's usually five slots reserved anyway, it just seems silly to have her double up like that. - Where was James Renner for The Hurt Locker? Oh right, the Golden Globes only nominate movie stars or people with lots of buzz. They rarely award those who haven't gotten much recognition already. - I love Julia Roberts, and you all know this, but she did NOT deserve a nomination for Duplicity. That's just the Globes wanting more stars at the telecast. - A Serious Man was a comedy? Really? That's like when they gave Jack Nich...

Someone on salon.com commented on my first miscasting post. They said that an actor should be versatile and be able to challenge themselves. I agree. I would, however, say that this is too often used to excuse miscasting. It's like saying miscasting never happens because no matter what role someone gives you, if you're a good enough actor, you'll make it work. To illustrate my point, I'll use examples of stretching and miscasting. These are all based on my opinions, but I think giving examples is the best way to show what I mean. I feel like when miscasting is involved you can always tell because there's a political element to it. Here are the examples: STRETCHING: Johnny Depp as Sweeney Todd. Not the first name that would come to mind, but he did a decent job. MISCASTING: Helena Bonham Carter as Mrs. Lovett. Too young, too pretty--clearly got it the same way she's gotten every other role in every other one of her husband's movies. STRETCHING: Rene...

What is your favorite word? - Koala What is your least favorite word? - Ensemble What turns you on? - FedEx Uniforms What turns you off? - Marriage Proposals What sound or noise do you love? - Gay Men Applauding What sound or noise do you hate? - The Original Cast Recording of the Long-Forgotten Musical "Monkey Toes" What is your favorite curse word? - Poop! (Oh God, I just blushed) What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? - Defense Attorney...on Law & Order What profession would you not like to do? - Defense Attorney If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? - "About time you got here, you dumb bitch. Where are my snacks?"

Entertainment Weekly is making Oscar predictions based solely on some films' trailers. Well, two can play that game, and I bet I can play the game even better. I know absolutely nothing about some of these films, but I still think I can guess which have a shot at winning based on other magazines predictions based on things they overheard at random film festivals. BEST PICTURE The Hurt Locker The Lovely Bones Nine Precious Up in the Air Best Director Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker Lee Daniels, Precious Clint Eastwood, Invictus Rob Marshall, Nine Jason Reitman, Up in the Air Best Actor Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart George Clooney, Up in the Air Daniel Day-Lewis, Nine Colin Firth, A Single Man Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker Best Actress Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side Marion Cotillard, Nine Carey Mulligan, An Education Saoirse Ronan, The Lovely Bones Gabourey Sidibe, Precious Best Supporting Actor Matt Damon, Invictus Anthony Mackie, The Hurt Locker Alfred Molina, An Education Stanley ...

From Bravo, the network that brought you a bunch of horrible reality shows with gay people and nineteen Kathy Griffin specials a year-- In 2010 Things are going to get-- KEVIN: My name is Kevin. Even gayer. KEVIN: I'm taking over. We're sending Kevin Broccoli out to take over theaters across the country. Not because he's business savvy or wise beyond his years-- KEVIN: This show reminds me of a genocide I once read about. --But because he's bitchy and he has fun catchphrases. KEVIN: So you don't have any flying equipment for "Peter Pan" aside from a pulley and a hook? Curtain down, dim the lights. I'm taking over. Bad Directors KEVIN: So your sister is the music director, your brother is the stage manager, your cousins are the children's choir, and you're playing the lead? DIRECTOR: And my husband is the choreographer. KEVIN: Well, that's a WHOLE different discussion. Bad Actors KEVIN: Do you feel you might be miscast in this role...

In the latest Entertainment Weekly, there's a small article dealing with the backlash Peter Jackson is facing for--wait for it--NOT including a graphic rape/murder scene of a little girl in his new movie "The Lovely Bones." A British newspaper actually took Jackson to task for not including this scene. They're playing it off as him shying away from the hard nature of the book. The thing is, the book doesn't HAVE a hard nature. Yes, the scene is in the book, but in terms of the overall theme and message of the book, that particular scene does fall into the "take it or leave it" category. It's not essential to the film to show exactly what happened, and to be honest, I'm glad they decided not to show it. If you read the article, I think Peter Jackson and his partner Fran Walsh make a good case for not including it. 1) They did a computerized sketch of it, and it was very disturbing (obviously). So disturbing, I would imagine, that many people ...

I have some exciting news. Tonight, I'll be opening my production of "Rent." Now, granted, this all happened rather fast. I decided to do the show last Friday, and after a grueling two-day audition, we only had three days to rehearse. That being said, the show is fantastic. Because, c'mon, it's "Rent." It can't be bad. It's impossible. That would be like chocolate being bad. I mean, you could put chocolate in a rotted head of lettuce and it would still be good BECAUSE IT'S CHOCOLATE. That's what my production of "Rent" is going to be like--without the lettuce, obvi. My cast is so amazing. It's seriously ridic. Roger is this guy Vance, who I found working as a mime on the street outside the Starbucks I go to. Now, he won't talk or anything, but who says Roger has to talk? I mean, is it REQUIRED that he talk? Almost of all of his lines can be mimed. Plus, seeing "One Song Glory" deconstructed into finge...

I'm confused. I'm confused why we went after a dictator, allegedly because he was a terrorist who was persecuting his people, yet we don't consider targeting a defenseless minority who are being terrorized beyond any shadow of a doubt worth action from a greater world power. I'm confused as to why the United Nations is not coming down on this country with an iron fist. I'm confused as to why our President says nothing about this. I'm confused as to why to the media is talking about Tiger Woods and not about this. I'm confused as to why it makes any difference how many Ugandans actually want this to happen. How many Rwandans wanted genocide? We didn't take those numbers and hold them up as reason not to get involved. I'm confused as to why we've muddied our hands in the Middle East time after time, but we won't set foot in Africa--a place where we could actually make a change. I'm confused as to why the media has not all out condemned th...

I was having lunch with the boys when a dilemma came up--as always. Brian was upset. BRIAN: I'm really upset. He was not invited to a dinner party. TURNER: Who was having the dinner party? The Biggest Asshole in Rhode Island. SCOOTER: It wasn't me. Sorry, the 2ND Biggest Asshole in Rhode Island. BRIAN: Plus all his friends. Plus, his entire asshole entourage. ME: Brian, why would you want to hang out with them? They're idiots. BRIAN: Reese-- (The Asshole King throwing the party.) BRIAN: --and I had a great talk the other night. SCOOTER: Online, right? BRIAN: Yeah, why? ME: Those people only talk to anybody online. God forbid they're seen socializing with someone outside their circle in public. BRIAN: What circle are you talking about? There's no circle. TURNER: The circle of drunken gay sluts. ME: And the men who love them. Brian is usually a lot more street savvy, but when it comes to people liking him, he likes to believe the best. Poor schmuck. BR...

I had a lot of fun running an audition today, but I felt myself getting nervous just being in that atmosphere. It did, however, seem like a nice opportunity to tell some audition stories. The catch? I want to hear yours too. I'll post mine if you post yours. -- The Stories -- "The One Lyric" -- I was up for a lead and I had a cold. The character only had to sing one line. The guy up against me was matching me toe for toe with every scene we did. So the director had us sing the one lyric--literally, a line--that the character has to sing in the entire show. I squeaked it out, the kid sang it just fine, and I wound up with the supporting role. The twist? The supporting character had an entire song. Go figure. "The Trinity Audition" -- I auditioned for Trinity when I was 15. Thinking back on it, I get physically ill. I had absolutely no training. The only plays I owned were The Odd Couple and Inherit the Wind. So I did Oscar's monologue to Fe...

I'm happy to announce that I am the next Oprah. Now, I know what you're thinking-- Kevin doesn't even have a television show. And to that I say--I don't have a television show YET. Because why bother? Oprah's still on the air. I'm going to wait until September of 2011, and then strike like a leopard onto a gazelle. First, I'll give away an entire city--Des Moines always been good to me, so I'm sure they'll help in my plan to become a media mogul. Can't you just see it? "Everybody in this audience GETS A CITY!!" As long as I keep the audience under fifty people, I'm pretty sure I can swing it. Then, I'll start a book club, except all the books will be books I've written. Now, I know what you're thinking--Kevin, you haven't written any books yet. Well what better incentive is there to write a book a month then to have a book club that only reads your books? And, in keeping with Oprah, I will make sure all the books in...

I bite my nails. I've been trying to give it up, but lately I've surrendered to the fact that we all have our crutches in life, and mine is nail biting. Unfortunately, the world disagrees with me. Every time I bite my nails, someone points out that I shouldn't. Now, when I was trying to quit, this was very helpful. Now that I've ceased quitting; it's really annoying. I don't understand why nail biting is the one addiction people feel they can comment on. I don't walk into bars and announce to everyone that they're killing their livers and their relationships with their children. I don't walk up to smokers with photos of black lung. I don't remark to my father that drinking four bottles of Coke a day is probably not the best idea. I let the world have its addictions. Why can't it let me have mine? My addiction doesn't cost money. It doesn't infringe on anybody else. In terms of being gross, it's not bad considering most people c...

Here are some tracks that didn't make it onto "The Fame Monster" 1) Glitter F**k Me 2) Pencil 3) Desperate Jesus 4) Boo 5) Casper 6) Nasty Pants 7) O.S.R. (Obscure Sexual Reference) 8) Uvula 9) Punch Me Hard, Baby 10) Yogi Bear's Picnic Basket

"Basically, you're wrong." This was my mother's response when I told her that I feel spanking is wrong. "No, spanking is justified. You, sweetheart, are wrong." When my mother wants to be condescending, I become "sweetheart." "Plus you don't get to have an opinion." "Why?" "Because you don't have children." "I was a child." "That doesn't count." "That's like a chef telling a customer they don't have a right to question the food." "When you pay me for raising you, then you can comment." This is why our arguments go from civil to felony in under five minutes. "Could you at least admit that some people don't spank and their kids turn out fine?" "Are you referring to your aunt?" "Yes." "That doesn't count." "Why?" "Because she's more patient than I was. She's sub-human. Her kids could scream...

This is an elaboration of a previous status. I don't understand why people pretend they're not aware that they've been miscast. I was fully aware every time I was miscast. Sometimes I managed to make it worth, and sometimes I failed miserably. Nevertheless, I was aware. I also never chased down a role KNOWING I'd be miscast if I got it. My favorite is when people chase down a role knowing they're only going to get it because the rest of the show is going to be so bad they'll actually be the best thing in it. It's a little like a single person saying--I'm going to this party because I hear I'll be the cutest person there. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE AT THAT PARTY? So you can put the role on a resume thereby ensuring that years and years later casting agents will be looking at it going--"Who the hell gave her that role?" You don't actually think they're going to say--"Oh well, she really blew that audition, but she must be fantast...