This Can't Be Broccoli

There's a group of people out there that are getting harder and harder to identify: Racists. That's why I've come up with this handy guide so that you can tell when you're talking to a racist. Who knows? You might already be married to a racist. Your cousin might be a racist. In the words of the musical Avenue Q, "Everyone's a little bit racist," but some people are really racist--and sneaky about it, too. So here's how you spot a racist: 1) They say things like "I'm not a racist, but..." Anything following that is going to be racist. That's your first tip: Racists say racist things. It's the same way with homophobic people. If someone says "I'm not homophobic, but the gays are going to burn," it doesn't really matter that they denied BEING homophobic, because they immediately followed it up with a homophobic statement. "I'm not a racist, but was slavery really all that bad?" See that? Y...

Burger King is now the first fast food chain to try and bring brunch to the masses. Attempting to mainstream the once high class mid-meal, Burger King is now offering assorted brunch sandwiches, whoppers, and their own version of a mimosa--made with Sprite instead of champagne. That's right--a Burger King mimosa. Needless to say, this idea is already making waves. Watchdog groups are already complaining that the BK Mimosa glamorizes drinking to young children. I disagree--Gossip Girl glamorizes mimosas. If anything, Burger King is going to severely devalue the image of a mimosa. I mean--Sprite? The whole concept of a mimosa came about because rich people like getting drunk before five on a Sunday afternoon! You can't MAINSTREAM that. That's like trying to mainstream a rainbow. A glorious, rich, lush of a rainbow. As for the rest of the menu, all they're doing is taking what they offer later in the day and offering it earlier. So now, not only do we live in a country ...

In the foreword to her acclaimed novel "American Wife," Curtis Sittenfeld admits that she wrote the book because of the affection she felt for Laura Bush after reading a biography on her. This puzzled her since Laura Bush is the wife of a man that most Democrats would like to erase from the history books. At first, I thought Sittenfeld was simply an anomaly, but then I read the biography myself, as well as Sittenfeld's fictional biography on the former First Lady, and I felt my resolve begin to weaken. Now, details about Laura Bush's new autobiography have come out, and in it, she talks extensively about losing her faith after killing one of her classmates in an automobile accident. Strangely, this was the final push that sent me over the cliff of affection into full-blown love for Laura Bush... ...while still completely deploring her husband. Oh, don't think that she turns against him in this new book. She defends his flying over New Orleans after Katrina in a ...

I have a new guilty pleasure. Finding out what food is killing me. Every time you log onto a website now, you find a new Worst List. Worst Pasta Dishes Worst Seafood Dishes Worst Kosher Dishes They're put out by the guy who writes the "Eat This, Not That" books, and I can only imagine how much his stock must be skyrocketing now that he's managed to condense those ridiculous 70-page tomes of his into bite-sized online nuggets. He talks about saturated fat, high calorie count, and gluttony the likes of which hasn't been seen since the Arabian nights. And quite frankly, I'm eating it up. Now when I'm at work, I regale my co-workers with stories of the meals that are slowly clogging up their arteries and destroying their organs. It's become a fun thing we do to bond as colleagues. "Susan, did you know that the Shrimp Bistro Pasta at the Cheesecake Factory has enough fat in it to stop your heart after three bites?" "I EAT THAT ALL THE TIME!...

I have a problem with "Sex and the City." Well, not really... I love Miranda, I love Samantha, even Charlotte... I think the writing is crisp and funny. I went to see the movie. I'm planning on seeing the sequel. My problem lies with a particular relationship that I believe has destroyed any chance of the independent women of my generation having a realistic perspective on dating. That's right--I'm talking about Carrie and Big. I knew from the series finale, and the subsequent movie, that these two were going to do detrimental harm. The fact is, the ending of the tv show and the movie offered up a happy ending to what, in real life, is more often than not, a very unhappy situation. Carrie and Big got together because that's what single women out there want to believe--that the married jerk who treats them poorly is one day going to have a burst of self-awareness and become the perfect husband. Um...no. It doesn't happen. Ironically, I think "Sex and...

Today was my brother's confirmation. My family made up three pews in the cathedral. Row One: Myself (Gay), My Mom (Divorced), Stepdad (Divorced), My Other Brother (Child of Two Divorced People) Row Two: My Uncle (Felon), My Cousin (Free of Sin--Bitch), My Grandmother (Twice Divorced--Double the Sin) Row Three: My Other Cousin (Pre-marital sex--and lots of it), My Uncle (Infidelity) and My Aunt (Episcopalian--Need I Say More?) So there we all are--nobody planning to get communion. Why, you may ask, does a family like this force one of its own to be confirmed in the Catholic church anyway? Because like any good lapsed Catholic family, we're still terrified of the things we don't believe in, and we love an excuse to party on a Sunday afternoon. Nevertheless, I repeat, nobody was going to get communion. It's a simple enough thing to avoid. When everyone else stands up and forms that giant line, you just sit where you are, and keep your eyes peeled on whatever stained gla...

Everybody already knows that vampires are huge, but that doesn't mean they can't get huge-er, right? I mean, we've already tapped into Vampire Romance (Twilight) and Vampire Southern Gothic (True Blood) and Vampire Whiney Teen Melodrama (The Vampire Diaries), but that's just the tip of the iceberg! Here are ten more ways to work vampires into movies that probably shouldn't have vampires in them-- 10) Noir Vampires Sample Line: "But Detective, I just don't see how Winston could have killed Bradford...when he was ALREADY DEAD!" Dramatic Music! 9) Michael Bay Vampires Sample Line: "No, I'm not going to suck your blood. I'm just going to blow up three trucks and an oil tanker!" Cue Ballad sung by Fading Country Superstar 8) Blacksploitation Vampires Sample Line: "You a nasty punk, Dracula. But not as nasty as my wooden d**k." Cue Theme from "Shaft" 7) Michael Cera Vampires Sample Line: "Um, well, yeah, I...