This Can't Be Broccoli

This is the origin of Halloween: A bunch of girls, perhaps Puritans, were walking around feeling blue. They were girls with nice physiques (okay, not all of them had nice physiques, but they all THOUGHT they did) and secret desires to be a bit wild. They considered dressing on the risque side, but they didn't want to be thought of as harlots. Then, one of them had an idea. "Why don't we create a holiday where we can dress like absolute tramps, and it's considered festive?" All the girls loved this idea (and the boys in their town liked the idea as well). There was, however, another complication. The girls were all on the creative side, and so they didn't want to ALL go as Vixens, but they did want to look sexy. "I know," said one, "Why don't we take non-sexy professions and just MAKE them sexy?" "Like what," asked another. "Hmm," thought one, "Like a sexy cardiologist!" "A sexy PR consultant!" &

First, read this http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/10/30/obama.hiv.aids/index.html. Then, explain to me why it took 22 YEARS for someone to get rid of this. Don't think I'm letting Clinton off the hook here, either. This may have started during the flag-waving, homo-hating Reagan years, but Clinton didn't get rid of it either. Can someone tell me why? And why weren't activist groups more up in arms about this? Why would we ban people coming into this country who have AIDS/HIV? What was the next logical progression in that plan? Exiling the citizens in this country who have it? I applaud the President for two reasons: 1) Recently, he's actually been, you know, doing stuff. 2) He came right out and said "This is ridiculous. We're being hypocrites. Bye bye stupid law." Again, however, my question is--Why did it take so long?

10) I buy eighteen bags of Peanut M&M's and make sure to save at least half of one for the children. 9) I toilet paper Glenn Beck's house. 8) I dress up like a clown, walk by a mirror, and pass out from fright. 7) I do the Monster Mash (Or at least, what I imagine is the Monster Mash. I drop it like it's hot while wearing a Mummy costume. That's the Monster Mash, right?) 6) I read my journal from junior high (now that's a tale from the crypt). 5) I watch Ernest Scared Stupid and pretend that the little f**ked up troll doesn't terrify me. (Then I put in Ernest Goes to Jail to calm me down. Wait a minute, was Ernest really just Tyler Perry? Or is it the other way around?) 4) I take Suri Cruise trick or treating (She only T&T's in Malibu, where it's more like Trick or IPod Touch). 3) I name my nipples Magenta and Columbia. 2) I host the A-List Goonies party at my house. This year both Corey Feldman AND Corey Haim made an appearance (I

A woman came forward alleging that working on David Letterman's show was a "boys' club" and that she felt it was a hostile environment. She also pointed out that hardly anyone in late night employs women on their staff. To all this I say--Newsflash. I sympathize with the woman, but I don't see why it's news that late night programming is chauvinistic. Remember when Joan Rivers got blacklisted because she dared to get her own show after being a guest host for Carson--a very popular guest host who was then not even considered for Carson's job when he stepped down. Rivers' career took the hit, but nobody asked why. Her show subsequently tanked on Fox. Now Fox is trying the late night game again with Wanda Sykes. I applaud them for it. It seems like no matter how many times women prove their success, it's still considered a gamble to put them in charge. To say that late night is a man's game is ridiculous. What's the implication? That only

To me, it makes perfect sense. Oprah didn't want to have Sarah Palin on her show pre-election, because she didn't want to give any legitimacy to the Alaskan Crab and jeopardize--Okay, who are we kidding? Nobody could have legitimized this woman. Still, now that she's having her on to promote her book, people are saying it's a ratings ploy. Well, when is having Sarah Palin on your show NOT a ratings ploy? It would have been a bigger ploy during the election when she was still somewhat relevant. Now it's just going to be like watching a worm get eaten by bird of prey. Oprah is going to destroy her. The only reason I worry is because I think this crab still has enough traction to do some damage, and I was more than happy to leave her alone for the next thousand years until she turned into a giant, fire-breathing dragon and we all had to band together and destroy her. Also, I don't see what Oprah's going to ask that wasn't already asked by every other jou

This year, I definitely learned more about cooking. That being said, most people instinctively know about cooking what I had to learn from an embarrassing and messy process known as "trial and error." Here's what I got so far: 1) Paula Deen is right on the money. Cook anything in about two inches of butter and it'll taste great. 2) Eggs will cause any sauce that you've gone to the trouble of creating to disappear within seconds leaving your meal tasting egg-y and dry. 3) Bake cookies at a lower temperature than suggested and they come out extra chewy (you know, because they're still partly dough at that point--e coli be damned!) 4) Bacon really does spruce up any meal. 5) Less is more when you're cooking with olive oil at a high heat using a skillet. That reminds me, I need to check my smoke detector batteries. 6) Rice is like an old flame. You invite it to come over, thinking you'll get it right this time, and you end up throwing it out with

Working in a public place teaches you things. 1) Wash your hands a lot. 2) Watch what you say. 3) Be a horrible parent. The last one probably seems funny to you. It seems funny to me, too, but then again, so does Megan Fox having a career. The world is a funny place. On a daily basis, I see parents who are...Well, the only word for it is "reckless"--They're reckless with their children. They have them walk home from school, even if home and school are miles away. They call them on their cell phones and ask where they are--Do you honestly think you're ever getting an honest reaction to that question from a thirteen-year-old? They drop them off where I work and come back hours later; assuming they're totally fine. After seven years of working in the same public place, what have I seen happen to these kids? They grow up. Safe and sound, if not a bit stilted in the emotional and behavior development departments. Then I look at the Newsfeed on CNN, see parents who

I had lunch with some friends to discuss a crisis. TURNER: Nobody's writing on my wall anymore. Admittedly, I was expecting more of a crisis. ME: Your wall? TURNER: My Facebook wall. Nobody's writing on it. SCOOTER: You know why, don't you? TURNER: Is it because I changed my Facebook photo back to that one of me dressed like Little Edie? It was a Halloween costume! SCOOTER: It's because you're in a relationship. There was a silence at the table. I picked at my grilled chicken. TURNER: Is this true? BRIAN: No! Of course not! You can always tell when Brian's lying, because he tilts his head to the left and squints. TURNER: You're tilting and squinting! It is true! ME: It's not that people aren't writing on your wall. It's just that some of the people who used to write on your wall wanted to sleep with you, and now that you have a boyfriend, they've given up. TURNER: So basically, everybody whose ever been nice to me has just wa

If you're going to drive in front of me, please keep in mind the following: If we're driving a one-lane road, and I'm on your ass, then you need to either A) Go faster or B) Pull to the side and get out of my way. There's no such thing as tailgating. There is such a thing as driving too slow. Some of us have places to be and didn't retire in 1955, yet still feel the desire to drive in afternoon traffic everyday just for the fun of it. If we're driving on the highway, there should be no braking. There is NO BRAKING ON THE HIGHWAY, especially if you're in the fast lane. The fast lane means you have to go faster than everyone behind you, or you have to move to the slow lane. There is no compromise with this rule. If you try to break it, I will beep at you until you assume I'm a nutjob with a rifle in my backseat and you get out of my way. On-looker traffic is a misnomer. From henceforth, it shall be called Douchebag Traffic. A ten-minute back-up on

I was reading the Week in Review on Playbill, and Robert Simonson (his usual bitchy self) took the Broadway production of "After Miss Julie" to task because Patrick Marber was credited as the author. Now, "AMJ" is an adaptation of "Miss Julie" which was written by August Strindberg. Apparently, that's acknowledged, but the bigger name on the poster is Marber's. Simonson also mentioned a production of "Creditors" currently playing where Doug Wright is given authorial credit over Ibsen. The question seems to be this: At what point does an adaptation become different enough to be considered a completely new play? Or at least new enough to merit the adapter getting more credit than the original playwright? First, I think you have to consider that there are very few "new" plots. So many plays are riffs on other works. Nobody would say that Tracy Letts should give Eugene O'Neill credit for "August: Osage County."

Warning: Spoilers, Spoilers, and More Spoilers Well, it was Restaurant Wars tonight, and as usual, I'm infuriated. The show finally thought of doing away with having the teams be responsible for the decor, but they still had one of the chefs do front of house. What doing front of house has to do with being a chef is beyond me. It seems like even they're aware of how it's become the death card, but they still make someone do it. Okay, here's the spoiler: Laurine got sent home. I know, not much of a spoiler. She's so blase it's amazing she's made it this far. Robin is more annoying and less talented, but at least she fights to stay in the game. Laurine has dropped such gems as "I guess I forgot about the competition." WHAT? Still, I didn't think she deserved to get kicked off. Her team's loss was completely Jen's fault. First, Jen didn't think to split up the Voltaggios. Why on earth would you let the Voltaggios team up against

I came across an article written by this guy in my Notes section on Facebook. Now, as someone who uploads twenty-five notes a day, I know I shouldn't pick on anyone for what they write on Facebook. That's why I'm going to pick on his "About Me" section. I can't believe people like this actually exist in the world. On top of that, I can't believe there are people who are FRIENDS with people like this. This guy wrote the most inane note I've ever read, had four people say they like it, and three of them like it enough to comment and tell him how smart he is. Clearly, the gay community is losing brain cells faster than I thought. Here's the About Me: "I split my time between NYC & Miami for work so looking to network/expand my social circle." (He never actually says what he does--I'm thinking hooker.) "A basic principle to live by is to open your heart to 'what is', instead of insisting that life be a certain way. Thi

I have joyous news. I'm adopting...Balloon Boy. I thought long and hard about it, and I decided this was a change I needed to make in my life. ...Okay, who am I kidding? I really just want a reality show. Clearly, I'm not going to be an 80's has-been anytime soon, so the only other way to get a show on extended cable was to have a quirky and foul-mouthed child that I could make hide in a box while I pull off a publicity stunt. I considered the +8 kids, but to be honest, they're a little bit country, and I'm a little bit rock 'n roll. I wouldn't even have to change his name. I mean, c'mon--Falcon? He already sounds like a Behind the Music episode. (Didn't Falcon sing "Girl, You're My Guitar Pick?") Falcon seems like the kind of kid who could keep up with my party boy lifestyle. Granted, we can never go to Arkansas, because gays aren't allowed to adopt children there, but c'mon, can we really call that a loss? Unless I plan on

Normally by the time Restaurant Wars rolls around, I'm addicted to Top Chef. This year, I'm barely involved at all (and by that, I mean, I'm willing to catch the episode on a rerun, rather than drop everything on Wednesday night and turn off my phone.) I place the blame on the contestants. Who the hell picked these people? Aside from the fact that there's a clear delineation between the really talented ones and the ones who are in over their heads (I liked Ash, but why was he there? Why?)--nobody is television material. Jennifer is a mess, who I guess was supposed to fill the scattershot Carla slot, but by this time last year Carla had already pulled it together and was putting out some great stuff. She could also articulate clearly and give great soundbytes. Jennifer mumbles and clearly doesn't use conditioner. While we're on the subject of appearance, can anyone find me another group of messier people who make their living making FOOD? Beards, piercings, o

The following reasons why Paranormal Activity was NOT scary: (No Major Spoilers, I Promise. Considering the trailer gave away all the scary parts anyway, if you've seen it, you've pretty much seen the movie.) 1) "The Blair Witch Project" did that style of horror movie first, and better. 2) Swinging doors and moving blankets? Who is this scaring exactly? 3) Why do movies involving demons scare people more than movies involving ghosts? My dead great-grandmother living in my house would scare me more than any demon. 4) The characters were like real people--and by real people, I mean, annoying reality tv show actors who I can handle for about two episodes before I actually WANT to see bad things happen to them. 5) So much of it was implausible, even by scary movie standards. Entire threads of the story were just left dangling. And the Steven Spielberg suggested ending wasn't so much of an ending as it was a way to end the movie quickly without having to actu

After posting the Gummie Bears, I went on what can only be described as a nostalgia binge. And this was my trip down memory lane... Every day, when I was kid, if I didn't get home from school in time for this show-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2e5q6ubDlZE I was pissed. On days when I got out of school early, I got to see cartoons I didn't even know existed. As long as I got my standard four, however, I was good. The best line-up? Chip 'n Dale's Rescue Rangers Goof Troop TaleSpin Darkwing Duck I also loved Duck Tales, but if I had to choose between my duck oriented series, I always went with Darkwing. The Gummi Bears would be the guilty pleasure. Once they got Bonkers involved, I peaced out. I don't remember when I straight up stopped watching the Disney Afternoon, but I believe it was around the time I discovered Saved by the Bell. Darkwing was cool, but he didn't have s**t on Zach Morris. All that being said, here's some more clips that take me back: Whe

First read this--http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/15/willingham.juror/index.html. Now, can someone explain to me why it seems like Texas has decided they don't need to follow the rules the rest of the country does? Why do we allow this state to carry on its trigger-happy, fry-first-ask-questions-later ways? The New Yorker did a terrific article about this case, where it was clear that there was a blood-thirst motivation going on that was nothing short of disturbing. I truly feel bad for this juror, but at the same time, I'd like to ask her why she felt like it was okay for her to vote guilty and essentially play God if she's so worried about what God's going to think of her because of it. Why isn't it considered murder when a political figure goes after an innocent man for ulterior motives? Will Perry ever be prosecuted? I want to know why this is so self-contained. Why don't these people have to answer to a higher court? And if this isn't a good enough e

I tried to start a flash mob in downtown Providence. I figured that if Oprah Winfrey could get thousands of people to dance to the BEP's, then I could get at least a tenth of that to dance to one of the most infectious songs of all time-- "Boogie Wonderland" Oh sure. You think it's silly. You think it's dated. You think that the minute you hear it you have images of Liza doing coke at Studio 54 running through your head. Think whatever you want. When "Boogie Wonderland" comes on, you're going to dance. So I took a CD Player, two giant speakers, and a copy of Earth, Wind, and Fire's greatest hits CD to Kennedy Plaza downtown, and attempted to start my own flash mob. Well, I hit my first snag right away. Apparently, a flash mob is something you need to plan. When I showed up downtown and realized that I was going to need more people than the twenty or so that were walking around KP, I instantly took to Facebook and bribed...uh...beseeched any and a

With the recent march on Washington, and the subsequent question of how much President Obama is really willing to put forth aside from nice speeches, everybody seems to be forgetting the two things that make politics go the way you want it to go: Money Votes For all the talk about what the President can or can't do, nobody's talking about what the gay community can do to make the President do something. It seems pretty clear: Do what everybody else does--show him and Congress that if they don't start taking us seriously; it could affect them getting into office. Oh wait, we can't make that claim. Remember when it was Obama versus Clinton and Obama made vague statements about being pro-gay, but didn't really promise to change anything. Do you know why he didn't? Because he looked at the numbers and saw that he could win the election without us. For as much work as the gay community did on his behalf, had we turned against him and gone for McCain, he still wou

Yesterday afternoon, I saw "The Understudy" by Theresa Rebeck. It was playing off-Broadway, and the cast was fantastic. I'm not sure how Julie White and Justin Kirk could go wrong anyway, but the surprise was Mark-Paul Gosselaar making his stage debut. It was a little weird sitting in the same room with my childhood. You see, for all intents and purposes, "Saved by the Bell" was my childhood. Seeing any of the six original cast members--even that idiot Dustin Diamond--is like seeing an old toy or one of the eighty year old neighbors I had growing up. (There weren't any kids in my neighborhood. Boy, you're learning all about my psyche today, aren't you?) To see someone I essentially grew up with standing onstage doing a good job was a little like seeing a family member doing something well. (Believe me, that doesn't happen often for me.) I felt overly familiar with MPG. I felt like I'd known him for years. I never get starstruck and mock

I went to see "Next to Normal," and throughout most of the show, my entire row was sobbing hysterically. Afterwards, my friend Nick and I started talking about what makes us cry. For some reason, discussing what makes you lose it can actually be quite fun. Here's my list of things that will make me tear up: - The last monologue from "Broadway Bound" by Neil Simon. Normally I can hold it in onstage, but every time I got to this line--"My mother never got comfortable saying 'I love you.' Sometimes a hard life knocks the sentiment right out of you"--the tears would start. The day my Mom came it was the last performance, and I'm pretty sure they had to mop me up once the show was finished. - The episode of "Rugrats" where Melville the Bug dies. Don't judge me. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmEQgi3dAaQ&feature=player_profilepage#) - Greeting cards. Whenever somebody writes anything to me in a greeting card, I start to c

A tragedy befell me. My IPOD broke. Granted, this was two years ago, and I still haven't had it fixed. Part of the reason for that is money, but another part was that I assumed I could last on radio for a little while. Maybe I would even stay current with the latest songs. Ohhh, how current I stayed, my friends. I think there should be a word for how you feel when you turn on the radio three times in one day and every single time "I've Gotta Feeling" is on. "Rage-filled" just isn't cutting it for me anymore. To be honest, I thought the song was all right the first time I heard it. It's a fun, on-the-way-to-a-party Friday night song. It's not really a driving in the car to work on a Monday morning song while the woman in front of you goes five miles under the speed limit and you're running late. "REALLY, BLACK EYED PEAS? YOU THINK MONDAY'S JUST GONNA BE A GREAT NIGHT, HUH?" Still, I've heard worse (Thank God "You'

Let me explain to you what happens when you win the Nobel Peace Prize. First, whatever country you live in is invaded by pirates and lemurs. The lemurs eat all the candy and the pirates pillage eight random cities every day. This morning, when Obama got the phone call letting him know he'd won the Nobel Prize, the pirates were already descending on Detroit, Topeka, Springfield, Springfield, Springfield, Boston, Tallahassee, and Cheyenne. (The Springfields were in different states, obvi.) Once the lemurs and the pirates are done, you break out in boils, and then one eyeball turns a different color, which sounds pretty tame, except the color it turns is Horse Manure Brown. Your wife goes from being a hottie to looking like the Cryptkeeper. Toni Morrison shows up at your house and reads "Jazz" to you backwards, and if you thought that novel was impossible forwards, just you wait. Oprah stops returning your phone calls, and tells people she's "like, so over you.&quo

I recently stumbled across a blog written by someone that I'm mildly familiar with, but can't say I really know well--especially after what I read. We orbit the same social circles, but until I read his blog, I had no idea that we were in completely different solar systems. The blog is a series of musings--nothing new on that front; what's this blog after all? The thing about the musings is that they're basically just generic statements that don't really say anything. "Relationships are hard." "Love hurts." "Life has twists and turns." I kept expecting to scroll down and see an entry regarding the sky being blue or cookies being delicious. Now, everyone's entitled to blog about whatever they wish, but what really bugged me about this guy's blog was that it might as well have been written by a completely different person. The reason this person only orbits me is not just by chance--I have made a distinct effort to stay away from

I read this really fantastic book called "The Year of Living Biblically" by A.J. Jacobs. In it, he follows all the laws of both the Old and the New Testament for an entire year. Needless to say, it's comical--and as creative non-fiction goes, it's pretty damn impressive. That being said, there was one element of the book I couldn't get past. In the book, Jacobs and his wife are having trouble conceiving a child. They already have one son, but Jacobs wants more. He tries to connect it to the Bible saying "be fruitful, multiply" but since the entire book is about how silly most of the rules in the Bible are, he has a hard time making his case. His wife does end up getting pregnant, with twins no less! Twin boys. This makes Jacobs and his wife incredibly depressed, as this means they will never have a daughter. Um...I hate to toss this word around regarding people having children, but...greedy. There, I said it, greedy. My aunt had trouble conceiving

I saw a production of "The Royal Family." (Not the production of "The Royal Family" playing on Broadway, but hopefully that will be forthcoming.) I saw a very good production of "The Royal Family"...or did I? It seems like there are certain plays that need the hand of a strong director, a good cast, and/or amazing concepts and ideas. Whereas others just need you to not fuck them up. Over the summer, I read a review for a play. I mean that literally. The review was of the play (actually, the musical) and not the production. The reviewer loved the musical, but didn't like the production. The production then proceeded to use the quotes the reviewer used to praise the musical--again, not the production--on its posters. Does this make any sense? I think a lot of people, including myself a lot of the time, have trouble separating the show from the work itself. In some cases it's not a question of--"Wow, what they did with that show was amazing

I blame People magazine. A few years ago, when Jennifer Lopez married Marc Anthony, they had her on their cover in a white wedding dress and photos of the ceremony being presided over by a priest. It was all very lovely, until you considered the fact that Jennifer Lopez had been married before--and not just once either. Apparently, the Catholic church is totally fine with people getting married multiple times as long as they're famous, rich, or both. They're just not all right with two men getting married. And People magazine doesn't have the guts to ask J.Lo how exactly she figured she could walk down the aisle in a white dress for the THIRD TIME. It's hard to imagine that California can vote down gay marriage, and yet, when Khloe decided to marry someone she'd known for mere weeks, nobody said anything. Nobody came out to protest. Nobody claimed that the sanctity of marriage was being compromised, or used for publicity. No representatives from any church said that

First off, read this: http://insidetv.aol.com/2009/09/30/is-nbc-dead?icid=main|main|dl2|link3|http%3A%2F%2Finsidetv.aol.com%2F2009%2F09%2F30%2Fis-nbc-dead This saddens me. A good chunk of me was raised by television (the lovable dysfunctional part) and it kills me to see a network that produced such great television (L.A. Law, ER--the first few seasons) going so wrong. My suggestions? First off, fire whoever is in charge. Clearly somebody is producing all these bad ideas, and that should merit consequences. Whoever came up with taking a show like "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" after it had already failed on ABC and recycling it on NBC should not only be terminated but trapped in a room with Heidi and Spencer just like the rest of America was this summer. Secondly, hire smart people. Fox realized that it needed to get on the Ryan Murphy train--and it wound up with Glee. ABC invested in Marc Cherry and got Desperate Housewives. There are so many good writers o

I read a really good article on Popeater about a mother who is getting criticized for writing a book about giving you child wider boundaries. I have to say that I couldn't agree more with this woman. Yes, the world is a scary place, but as someone who lived and in a lot of ways is still living a very sheltered life, I can tell you that it's much scarier to get to 25 and realize you've barely ever stepped out of your comfort zone. My mother was incredibly over-protective of me, and even though I love her for wanting to provide security for me, I now feel like a lot of my issues with change and adapting to new situations comes from that sense of fear instilled in me. It's been proven that kids who are given wider boundaries learn to read people much quicker. They can figure out who's a good guy and who's a bad guy. Obviously you shouldn't encourage your kids to talk to strangers, but you should talk ABOUT strangers. If you had the choice to raise worldly k

Here's what I don't understand about the David Letterman case. Somebody tries to extort money from you by saying that they'll reveal something you did if you don't comply with their demands. So you do the right thing, and turn them in. At which point, what you didn't want revealed is not only revealed, but made public record. Basically, extortion works. This is why I'm confused. If David Letterman was being blackmailed because he did something illegal, then I could understand bringing it up in court. Had he not done (illegal activity), he wouldn't be able to be blackmailed in the first place. He was being extorted, however, because of an embarrassing, but not illegal, matter, and the whole thing was still dragged out in front of the media. Is this not letting the extortionist win? Wouldn't there be less instances of this happening if the law were able to make it so that a person's privacy is protected if they're being blackmailed and they decid

My goal was to write 100 monologues for www.thekevinbroccoliblog.blogspot.com and a piece a day for www.thiscantbebroccoli.blogspot.com. Yesterday the Internet went down, causing me to fail at both these goals. Strangely, I wasn't that upset. I thought to myself--Oh well, I'll write three pieces tomorrow bringing me to 100 pieces in a month and a day , and one more piece about failing at the whole thing. Usually if I miss a deadline or fall behind on something, I get really upset. Yesterday I just remember feeling very zen. When it became clear I wasn't going to meet the goal, I just started shrugging for no reason. Have I actually become...laid back?