Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from June, 2009

The List of People Who Don't Like Me

In true Kevin Broccoli fashion, and probably showing why these people don't like me in the first place, I've decided to document who doesn't like me and why.

Before you panic, don't worry. I have no intention of naming names and driving straight into Awkward City. I just think you should try to find humor wherever you can, even in a list of people who don't think you're very funny.

I've replaced the names of the actual people with the names of famous Ukrainian novelists. Also, I think it's only fair to mention that in no way am I disputing the reason for these people's feelings towards me. They are absolutely right for disliking me, and I probably would dislike me too if I were them. It's one thing to have a list of people who don't like you just because they're jerks; it's another thing when you've earned that dislike.

In every case I've either apologized for my actions or assumed that apologizing would be pointless, if no…

Dear Bravo

Dear Bravo,

The time has come.

I know it's been a rough year for you. Breaking up with Project Runway would certainly be enough to make me binge on Ben and Jerry's and weep. I know it doesn't make it any easier that all your friends are going to betray you by watching it on Lifetime. Forgive us. We're weak...and none of us like your new boyfriend, The Fashion Show (Kelly Rowland? What's the matter? Was Toni Braxton not available?)

All that aside, you're going in the wrong direction. What makes me say that?

A little show called NYC Prep.

Oh, I know what you're thinking. It's like Gossip Girl BUT REAL! Here's the thing, the fact that Gossip Girl could actually be real is absolutely terrifying to all of us who watch Gossip Girl. Not to mention that none of those NYC Prattlers are anywhere near as attractive as anyone on GG--including Jenny, and that's saying something.

I don't care how good the ratings are. I don't care if some...most…

Allow Me, Miss Aniston

Dear Angelina,

My friend--and by friend, I mean "celebrity I've never met"--Jennifer Aniston, cannot respond to your latest round of gloating over having stolen her husband a few years back. That's because she's a good, decent person who doesn't feel the need to continually address the fact that an alien from Planet Ho-Bag ruined her marriage.

Luckily for her, I've got plenty of time to address you.

First off, I'd like to list all the movies you've sucked in. I realize you may be an Academy Award winning actress (the award being for playing a crazy person, hmm...what a stretch) but I wonder if that movie makes up for these--

Pushing Tin
Playing By Heart
Gone in Sixty Seconds
Life or Something Like It
Beyond Borders
Taking Lives
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (A forgotten gem--forgotten for a reason)
The Good Shepherd (You as a housewife, HA!)
Lara Croft--Both Movies (I don't care if the first one made money.)

Wait for it, wait for it--

ALEXANDER (T…

Top Ten Reasons Letterman Protesters Are Idiots

10) Using the term "verbal pedophile." There is no such thing as a verbal pedophile. It is demeaning to people who have actually been the victims of pedophiles to insinuate that there is such a thing as a "verbal pedophile."

9) If there were such a thing as a "verbal pedophile," David Letterman would still not be one. A pedophile commits a very malicious and very deliberate act. A joke can not be considered an act of pedophilia even if it is a tasteless joke. There is nothing vague about pedophilia. There's no subtlety or nuance to it. If you actually believe a joke can be considered that kind of an act, not only do you have no sense of humor; you're an ignoramus.

8) The most successful movie to date so far this summer is "The Hangover." It features, among other things, violence, Asian stereotypes, gay stereotypes, gay Asian stereotypes, nudity, the word "faggot," and a man making a baby look like it's jerking o…

My Dream Job, or Torture

It sounds a little strange.

First off, anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm a very practical person--probably overly practical.

So although it would seem like my dream job would be something more artistic; it's actually practical--even by dream standards.

I have always wanted to be...

A personal assistant.

I have no idea why, but the idea of being someone's go-to guy is incredibly appealing to me. I'm the only I know who watches "The Devil Wears Prada" and feels envious of Anne Hathaway's character.

I like the idea of being at someone's beck and call. When I first discovered this, it concerned me. I was terrified that I was going to end up bent over a desk while James Spader spanked me...Terrifying, I know.

Then I realized I just loving being able to completely to-do lists.

I'm a to-do list whore.

I make to-do lists for fun, and when I get an entire list accomplished in the time I've allotted myself--it's like Christmas.

(Call it Porn for P…

The Geena Davis Pyramid

Want to make watching Pyramid on the Game Show network that much more fun?

Try putting Geena Davis in front of everything.

Watch.

Category: Things Associated with Weddings

Word: Bride...Geena Davis is always one of these and never one of these.
Word: Groom...Geena Davis killed him on her wedding day.
Word: Flowers...Geena Davis urinates on these every morning.

See how much fun that is?

Give it a try.

Category: Things Associated with Space

Word: Mars
Word: Sun
Word: Comet

You could have said--

1) Geena Davis is from--
2) Geena Davis shines brighter than the--
3) Geena Davis rode on this from her home planet--

It's going to become a sensation.

Get ready for it.

Next Up: Geena Davis Password.

My Brother's Graduation, A Horror Story

My brother graduated from high school yesterday.

I was so excited to see one of my heroes reach such an important stage in his life.

Then the nightmare began.

Before we begin, I should mention that if you went to Mount St. Charles, you should stop reading this now, because I have absolutely nothing nice to say about their ceremony, school, or students who are not directly related to me.

Now onto the fun.

For one thing, the ceremony was at one o'clock on a Sunday. How festive, right? I can see an afternoon ceremony, but one o'clock is pushing it. Graduations are like the theater--it's just not as much fun when it's a matinee.

Secondly, the ceremony was held in the hockey arena. Yes, you read that right--the hockey arena. Mount St. Charles, for those of you Non-Rhode Islanders, had this incredible hockey dynasty where they imported Canadians and won the state title a million years in a row. Rather than develop an academic record they could be proud of, or other extracurr…