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Showing posts from August, 2009

Artistic Irresponsibility

I believe the following:

I believe it's a shame that Rhode Island hemorrhages creativity and talent because artists here feel there is limited opportunity for them to make a living--not necessarily to perform, create, etc, but to make money doing so. Now, it's difficult anywhere to make a living being an artist, but I feel like in some ways there has been a command to bring up the castle door. What I mean by that is that it seems like theaters are leaning more towards using the same people they've always used, which in an environment like this, just seems irresponsible to me. I'm not talking strictly about Rhode Island theaters, but in general. Sometimes for fun I'll go online and check out theaters in different areas to see what productions they're doing and what seems to be popular in certain areas. What I see time and again are the same actors used over and over. Now, I'm not saying that all these people don't deserve to be working consistently,…

Fifteen Trainwrecks

-- Here are my top fifteen --

15. Tartuffe done with a half-puppet cast. You have no idea how disturbing that play is when Tartuffe is played by a giant, stuffed chimpanzee.

14. Hamlet done sideways. We were all lying down for the duration of the show, and by the end of it, so was the audience.

13. A View from the Bridge done on a bridge. It was all going fine until an oil tanker needed to come through during the first act.

12. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof where Maggie and Brick were played by a brother and sister, and Brick was married to the actor playing Big Daddy. When the audience found out about all this during the talkback, there was an awkward silence and then the horrified screaming began...

11. A Man for All Seasons done outdoors...in Februrary...in Milwaukee. Ironically, it turned out NOT to be a show for all seasons.

10. Pygmalion done kabuki style. It was seven and a half hours long, but strangely enough, that's how long most productions of the show tend to run anyway.

Romney Care

First, read this article from CNN--

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/08/20/romney.health.care/index.html?iref=newssearch

Now, I have a few questions.

First off, how exactly is forcing people to get Health coverage different from the government interfering? To me, it seems more intrusive than what Obama is proposing. All it does is take the pressure off the government by putting all the pressure on the individual.

People can't afford Heath care now--that's the point. Forcing them to get it isn't going to help them afford it. Subsidies for the poor sounds incredibly vague to me.

Plus, and I don't usually say this about CNN, but those numbers are obviously the result of spinning. Over a hundred thousand people without Health coverage is still a huge number for a state like Massachusetts. Universal means universal, and that's what everyone's shooting for here.

The only thing about the plan that I think sounds like a step forward is the pre-existing condition rule. …

I Miss the Real World

Entertainment Weekly did a really interesting article on reality television this week, brought on by the murder-suicide involved with Megan Wants a Millionaire.

All I could think when I read the article was--it wasn't broke, so why did they fix it?

For this argument, I will merely mention one show: The Real World.

Having grown up on The Real World, I can safely say that it was a much cooler show when it wasn't about shock value.

The first few seasons had their share of melodrama, absolutely, but they also featured people who were actually, like, um, sort of, um, like smart.

People with real jobs, real problems, and more than anything else--lives based in reality.

I don't think any character on reality television has had as much of an impact as Pedro from The Real World: San Francisco. I don't think the fighting you see now on Real World: Slutty Town matters anymore because they have a fight EVERY WEEK.

The fight that Dan and Melissa had on Real World: Miami was shocking bec…

Keep Me Going

Because I think it's important to have a living will, I am issuing the following instruction--not "instructions," not plural, no. One simple instruction:

Keep Me Going

I don't care what it takes.

I don't care if everything but my head has to be robotic.

I don't care if a machine the size of a living room has to be utilized to keep me alive.

Keep Me Going

Remember "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly?" I might do my best work when all I'm able to do is blink and lift my big toe. Who can say?

I don't care if I'll need eighteen surgeries and afterwards I'll look like Billy Crystal and Carol Kane's son in "The Princess Bride."

I don't care if they refer to me as "a medical catastrophe" or just "Wow, poor thing."

I don't care.

Keep me going.

I don't care if I'm in a coma--in the words of Drew Carey, who knows what a coma is like? Maybe comas are great. "I have healthcare, f**k 'em!"

I…

Please Stop Believin'

I don't know how to say this.

I don't want to hear "Don't Stop Believin'" again in a movie, television show, commercial, or at a karaoke night.

People, it's time to let the song just be the song.

I'll admit--this song has done things that no other song has done in history.

It's made us sympathize with a lesbian serial killer (Monster/Skating Rink Scene)
It's made us have instant Sopranos nostalgia (Blackout)
It's made us fall even harder in love with the gayest glee club ever (Coming This Fall)

The song instantly makes us love whatever we're watching. Playing it is like saturating what you're cooking in butter. It'll make anything better.

Let's find another song to do this for us, shall we?

Better yet--let's not rely on our soundtrack to sell our substance.

Does every episode of Grey's have to end with a montage set to appropriate music?

Sometimes--and again, I can't believe I'm saying this--silence is golden.

The First Three Matches Are Creepy

Have you seen the eHarmony commercial?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Igu-zuIIJjM

A few questions:

1) Does everyone on eHarmony have lazy eyes?
2) Wasn't this girl--

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNxOV9cmIZo&feature=related

On Running in Heels?

3) When the guy in the commercial says "They asked me questions that...needed to be asked."

Does he mean--"Do you want to date an idiot?"

Did they ask him if he's into girls who have no facial expressions?

4) Is one of the eHarmony Dimensions 'Drugs You're On?'

Finally--

5) Why are gays upset that eHarmony doesn't let them on? I feel like someone's barred me from going into a lunatic asylum. We should be grateful, guys. These wackjobs aren't only ON the site; they're the SPOKESPEOPLE!

Morning Radio

Ever since my IPOD broke, I've been forced to listen to radio in the morning on the way to work.

That means that every day, when I'm already in a foul mood due to the fact that I'm not a morning person, I have to listen to the stupidest people on the planet talk endlessly about meaningless subjects.

It's a little bit like Thanksgiving.

What I find hysterical is that to be on the radio in the morning, you have to go to bed at a way more decent hour than the rest of us, yet most of what these people talk about is pop culture.

So, they're talking about shows that they don't actually watch and movies they've never seen.

The other day one of the shows had one of the stars from "The Hangover" on it. At which point, one of the DJ's remarked--

"I have to go see that."

Broseph, you're a commentator on pop culture, and you haven't seen one of the biggest movies of the summer?

He might as well have had Larry Hagman on to ask who shot JR.

Wouldn…

P***y Rock

I have decided that there should be a new genre of music: Pussy Rock.

Pussy Rock: Music made by and for men that are basically lady parts assembled together to resemble rock bands, who then write aforementioned music in the effort to get dumb Canadian girls to sleep with them.

Examples: 3 Doors Down, Nickelback, Daughtry, and the Mother of All Pussy Rockers--Creed. David Cooke is hovering on the edge of Pussy Rock. Jason Mraz would be considered Pussy Folk Rock, so don't get confused.

Want to know how to write a Pussy Rock song?

Find a generic melody and any combination of the following words to it:

Tonight
You
Me
Myself
Arms
Road
Life
Her
She
Girl
Lady
Woman
Feminina
Living
Someone
Somebody
Somewhere
Somehow
Shoot Me (Just kidding)

Avoid using the word "Love." That would be too obvious.

Get yourself played on Adult Contemporary Radio Stations, and learn to sneer so that people don't realize that you're a bunch of girl scouts with guitars.

Pretty soon, you'll be able to open for…

Ten Plays You Should Read Now

-- I already put out my summer reading list, but for those of you who don't have time for books, or just want to expand your theatrical horizons, here's my list of plays that make for great reads. All are available online. --

10. Becky Shaw by Gian Gionfriddo - Every time I thought I had this play figured out, it threw a curveball at me. It's smart--and more importantly, believably written. What I love most about it is that it asks hard questions and doesn't dole out easy answers.

9. Three Viewings by Jeffrey Hatcher - Forget the first and third sections. They're good, but they're not anywhere NEAR as good as the second section--"Thirteen Things About Ed Carpolotti." It's a monologue (I love it, surprise?) that goes from being comedic, to dramatic, to suspenseful, to sweet--all the while never having the character deliver it get up from her couch. For weeks afterwards, I would recite the entire thing to friends over the phone--and they lis…

Other Top Ten Celebrity Appearances I'd Like to See

Top Ten Celebrity Top Tens I'd Like to See

10. "Top Ten Reasons We Shouldn't Have Gotten Back Together" by Creed
9. "Top Ten Movies I Can't Believe I Signed On For" by John Cusack
8. "Top Ten Books With My Name On It That I Actually Wrote" by James Patterson
7. "Top Ten Reasons We Think We're Famous" by The Kardashians
6. "Top Ten Things to Say When You're Kissing Someone's Ass" by Ryan Seacrest
5. "Top Ten Ten Movies I Was Too Good For" by Katherine Heigl
4. "Top Ten Things I Should Have Named My Child Instead of Apple" by Gwenyth Paltrow
3. "Top Ten Republicans I'm Actually Friends With" by Meghan McCain
2. "Top Ten People I Should Have Had as a Running Mate That Are Muppets" by John McCain
1. "Top Ten Reasons I Haven't Been Put on a Rocket and Shipped to Saturn" by Perez Hilton

The Clintons

On Hillary:

Good for her for snapping at that journalist. Nobody would ask President Obama what Michelle thinks of the job he's doing. And the woman journalist on The Today Show who commented that Hillary might be "having a bad hair day" should not only be fired, but should be made into an SNL skit where she's played by Bill Hader.

On Bill:

I'm happy that he got the two girls back from Korea. That being said, when a country mocks our President and Secretary of State, I do not think we should then send them the President of our Secretary of State, just because they seem to find him more appealing. I apologize if I sound a tad conservative here, but I think when a country openly disrespects a simple request--that two girls be spared twelve years hard labor--and that country basically tells us to shove it, we might consider using a little force.

On the Hurt Locker

Some quick notes:

1) I thought it was a fantastic idea having bigger names have smaller roles, and have the leads be relatively unknown.

2) I love that I learned things. So many people are wondering why this Iraq movie worked when so many aren't. I think it's because in the others we're being talked to rather than exposed to educated. Plus, I don't think you can take away from the fact that almost the entire movie was set in Iraq. In movies like Stop-Loss, Rendition, Lions for Lambs, and The Lucky Ones we're learning about the after-effects of the war, the returning vets, and the politics, but we're not seeing the actual experience, and I have to think it's because studios--even independent ones--don't want to make that movie. Well, here's someone who did and it's a much better movie for it.

3) A lot has been said about the movie being directed by a woman. Some have even said "It took a woman to make a good Iraq movie." I don…

Why You Need to See (500) Days of Summer (Especially If You Hate ZD)

First off, if you don't want to know anything about the movie, as I wouldn't you can stop reading once this paragraph breaks. All you need to know is that you should see this movie because Joseph Gordon-Levitt gives the best performance I've seen all year in it. Many people have told me they don't want to see the movie because they don't like Zooey Deschanel. Let me tell you something: If you don't like that girl, go see this movie. A part of me thinks that part of the reason they cast her might have been because of how many people don't like her--and that's all I'm going to say. See the movie. For those of you who have already seen it and want to discuss certain points of it with me, read on...

INTO THE SPOILER ZONE

















SPOILER ZONE

First off, I have some criticism of the movie. It is the most blatant Annie Hall knock-off I have ever seen. People who say it's our generation's Annie Hall are wrong. It's simply Annie Hall. That being …

A Healthcare Blog from Someone Lucky Enough to Have Healthcare

I like something Colin Powell says about information.

"Tell me what you know, then tell me what you don't know. Only then can you tell me what you think."

Well, I know I have Healthcare. I know I'm lucky because I have Healthcare. I know that if I get sick, I'm covered and that I am able to keep myself healthy even in some preventive ways due to the fact that I have Healthcare.

I don't know much about the new plans for universal Healthcare. I don't follow up on every pro and con that is tossed out into the media by both parties. I have not read the exhaustive comprehensive plan.

That's what I know and what I don't know.

Here's what I think.

I think that other countries have proven that universal healthcare works, at least to the extend that their entire infrastructure hasn't fallen apart by implementing it. Are things perfect? I'm sure they're not, but things are much farther from perfect here then they seem in Canada as far as th…

Top Ten Things I Want the Government to Control

-- Aside from Healthcare, here's what else I would like to see the government swoop in and control. --

10) CBS's Primetime Line-Up: Can Obama do something about how much cliche'd crime crap is being pushed onto the elderly? Can anyone explain the difference between any of the CSI's and Criminal Minds? Do they really need TWO NCIS's? There oughta be a law.

9) Danielle Steel: The woman writes about eighteen books a year. She is, most likely, doing more to dumb down America than No Child Left Behind. I realize people need their tacky romance novels, but can they at least regulate how many of them come out per year so that perhaps people have to pick up things like...oh, I don't know...Dickens, Steinbeck, Updike? There oughta be a law.

8) The New Melrose Place: Ashley Simpson? Sidney back from the dead? And Dr. Michael Mancini is STILL living the damn apartment complex? Commies, where are you when we need you? There oughta be a law.

7) Taylor Swift: …

Kevin Broccoli in the Remake of "St. Elmo's Fire"

Okay, maybe I'm not going to be the next Judd Nelson.

That being said, I've never been one to harp on remakes. I think sometimes a remake is called for--and some of them actually turn out quite well.

I loved Rob Zombie's Halloween, Oceans Eleven, and The Manchurian Candidate remake (although most of that was Meryl, I'll admit.)

That being said, the recent round of remakes is just...

Well, let me put it this way.

I was in the theaters tonight, and when the remake of "The Stepfather" trailer came on, people actually laughed.

Here's an idea:

Instead of focus grouping a movie, why don't we focus group the IDEA for the movie?

That way you don't wind up with people heckling the Fame trailer.

It also seems like the new trend is to put really good actors in these movies to try and lift them. Admittedly, that might work sometimes--and I'm not talking about Billy Bob Thornton in Bad News Bears.

Other times, it's just embarrassing for everyone involved--(Kel…

Kevin Broccoli Style

Esquire just put out its Fall Style Guide.

For those of you who don't want to look like an extra on Entourage, I have a few better ideas.

Follow these simples rules, and you'll have Kevin Broccoli Style down.

1) Plaid is your friend. Lots of plaid. But not just any plaid--over-sized plaid. Long-sleeved, button-down, and I want it to go down to at least your knees, people. Think early 90's grunge without the guitars or angst. If you can use your shirt as a blanket, you're going in the right direction.

2) Never wear shorts. Not even in hot weather. Not even to the beach. Not even to a "Wear Shorts for Charity" barbecue event. NEVER wear shorts. Never.

3) Shoes--all the time. Wear the same pair until they're literally falling apart. No sandals, no sneakers, no boots--who wears boots anyway? Shoes--as if every day is a special occasion and you're overdressed for most of them.

4) Wear jeans that make you look like you don't have an ass. The…

Who I Want at My Roast

Since I know one day you'll all want to roast me, I'm going to lay out exactly how I want the evening to go down--

First off, I want one of the Mowry twins to be my Roastmaster. I don't care which one...although if you could get Tamera, that would be preferable.

Secondly, I do not want a SINGLE MEMBER of the cast of California Dreams there. Not a single one! Don't cross me on that, or you'll regret it.

Thirdly, make sure Suri Cruise is the last roaster of the night, because trust me, she'll have the good shit.

Fourthly...Fourthish...Whatever, Fourth: I don't want anybody making fun of my Bejeweled Addiction, or how they found me locked in my house surrounded by Domino's boxes, hitting the Enter button on my keyboard and talking to my James Lipton doll.

Fifth, I want to sit on a throne shaped like that nun who used to critique paintings on public television.

Sixth, Meg Ryan is going to say a few things, and by that time she'll be eighty and senile, so …

My Idea for a TV Pilot

Nobody knows what it must have been like to sleep around in colonial times.

So...

"Sex and the Colonies"

Think of it.

Betsy Ross
Abigail Adams
Deborah Sampson (lesbian)
Lady Godiva

(Okay, Lady Godiva wasn't living in the Colonies at the time, but who says we're shooting for historical accuracy here?)

All four go to lunch together, date around, maybe have dalliances with Alexander Hamilton, love triangles with Benedict Arnold, and perhaps a little threeway action with John Hancock.

All the while learning about life, love, and dying by the age of forty-three.

HBO...I'm looking at you.

We've Come a Long, Long Way Together

Just a question: Why don't we celebrate anniversaries with friends?

I've known some of my college friends for going on six years now, and I'm going on ten years with some of my high school friends.

And nobody celebrates this...why?

We celebrate six month anniversaries when we're dating someone, but with people we've known and enjoyed for years we don't do anything.

I don't really understand that.

Just saying.

My Bejeweled Intervention

I have an addiction.

It's a little life-ruiner called "Bejeweled."

I play it non-stop, all the time, and when I'm not playing it, I think about playing it. Right now, as I'm writing this, I'm thinking about playing it.

It's a horrible, horrible, horrible addiction.

One that needs to be eradicated immediately.

I was going to wait for my friends to throw me an intervention--

(I'm not sure if "throwing" is the right verb, but it sounds festive, so I'm going with it.)

--But since I'm as good at hiding my Bejeweled addiction as I am at hiding my Iron Chef addiction, I thought they'll ever notice.

I've invited a few people to my intervention--people who are also suffering from Bejeweled addiction.

Unfortunately, none of them showed.

ME: Carly, where are you?
CARLY: Uh...I got caught up with something.
VOICE: EXCELLENT!
ME: Are you playing Bejeweled?
CARLY: No.
VOICE: EXCELLENT!
ME: Carly!
CARLY: Kevin, I'm about to hit 100,000 and I ha…

Replacing Paula

Dear American Idol Producers,

Now that Paula is gone, I'd like to make my case for a replacement.

Before I tell you who it is, I should mention that my suggestion is not someone in the music industry. Nor is she particularly musical. In fact, I'm not even sure she listens to music.

That being said, I think she'll be a solid addition to the American Idol judging panel--and more than that, a perfect replacement for Miss Abdul.

After all, you're going to want someone who will draw as much attention to Idol as Paula did, and that's not going to be easy to find. Anyone can be crazy, but to be crazy AND quotable is a skill not many fallen icons have...

But I've found the perfect one.

Two Words

Janice Dickinson

Now, before you go apeshit, let me state my case:

1) She's familiar with reality television.
2) She's been a judge before ON a reality television show.
3) She's batshit fucking crazy.

Can you imagine Simon and Janice fighting? Who cares if she doesn'…

The DeFriend

It happens every day.

You log onto Facebook, and you notice that your Friends list is short a person...or two.

In this case, I happened to know exactly who I was short.

I've known "Willard Scott" for almost ten years, and in that time, he has added and defriended me a total of three times.

Okay, maybe I'm doing the adding and he's doing the defriending, but you get the point.

BRAD: The point is you're insane.

I assembled a roundtable of some of my closest friends to discuss what to do with defrienders--and by assembled, I mean, I promised them free liquor.

BRAD: Hence, my presence.

Along with Brad, I had invited Beth and Ritchie to be my Sherri and Whoopi.

BETH: Wait, am I Whoopi?
ME: You're whoever's drunk the most.
BETH: Okay, so I'm Barbara then.
RITCHIE: Can I be Elisabeth? I like being the villain, and I actually found Sarah Palin to be rather quirky.
ME: You can all be whoever you want to be as long as you stick to the topic.
BRAD: I'm Oprah.…

Grey's and the Gays

In a recent Entertainment Weekly article, T.R. Knight talked about leaving Grey's Anatomy. There was a lot of dancing around when it came to the tension between him and Shonda Rhimes, the show's producer, in regards to what exactly happened during the Isaiah Washington scandal.

After looking through past articles and different interviews given by various cast members, it seems pretty clear what happened--Shonda Rhimes was pissed that she had to let go of one of her main characters just because he made a homophobic slur.

Now, I understand being inconvenienced and ticked off by something like that. I'm sure Chris Brown's entire staff feels a very similar pain. What ticks me off is that it isn't impossible to get rid of a character immediately. Anyone watching Grey's at that time could have probably come up with more than a few ways to have gotten rid of Dr. Burke--perhaps getting hit by a bus? At that time, his character wasn't exactly a fan favorite anymo…

What I'm Bringing Back from Ghost Writer

One of my favorite shows growing up was Ghost Writer.



It was about a group of kids who solved a mystery using the help of...

Okay, I don't think we ever officially found out what Ghost Writer was, right? He was sort of a ghost, and he wrote stuff, but that's about all we knew.

Basically, he was a bouncing ball and he taught us about the beauty of words.

(Yeah, let's go with that.)

My favorite part of the show, however, and the part that has stuck with me over the years was the word "Rally."

Whenever one of the members of the Ghost Writer team was in trouble, they'd write the word "Rally" and everyone would come and rescue whoever it was that was in trouble.

To this day, I long for the ability to have a magical exclamation point summon my friends whenever I need them simply by me writing the word "Rally" on a menu or a phone book or whatever is handy at the time.

Over time, I've actually tried to implement it in a different form.

One day I was …