Skip to main content

Fifteen Trainwrecks

-- Here are my top fifteen --

15. Tartuffe done with a half-puppet cast. You have no idea how disturbing that play is when Tartuffe is played by a giant, stuffed chimpanzee.

14. Hamlet done sideways. We were all lying down for the duration of the show, and by the end of it, so was the audience.

13. A View from the Bridge done on a bridge. It was all going fine until an oil tanker needed to come through during the first act.

12. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof where Maggie and Brick were played by a brother and sister, and Brick was married to the actor playing Big Daddy. When the audience found out about all this during the talkback, there was an awkward silence and then the horrified screaming began...

11. A Man for All Seasons done outdoors...in Februrary...in Milwaukee. Ironically, it turned out NOT to be a show for all seasons.

10. Pygmalion done kabuki style. It was seven and a half hours long, but strangely enough, that's how long most productions of the show tend to run anyway.

9. Hedda Gabler done without a Hedda. It was a little like Garfield minus Garfield, without the humor or Odie. People thought it was about a bunch of crazy Norwegians who liked to talk to themselves and their imaginary friend Hedda. It didn't help that Judge Brack kept referring to her as Nora.

8. Barefoot in the Park done in the park. One rusty nail and the honeymoon was over.

7. Six Characters in Search of an Author. It was more like six actors in search of an audience.

6. A Thousand Clowns. The director was from India, envisioned the whole thing as a Bollywood tragedy, and before I knew it I was wearing a sari, fake blood, and giant shoes. The tap dancing wasn't too fantastic either.

5. The Iceman Cometh done in a real bar. Somebody found out that the guy playing Hickey slept with his girlfriend, and it took five minutes to convince everyone that the brawl wasn't part of the show.

4. Three Sisters. One of the sisters got sick during tech, and they sent me on for her. From then on, it was called Two Sisters and Their Terribly Confused Brother.

3. Come Back, Little Sheba. Everybody went method, and by the end of the run all the actors were fighting for space out on the nearest ledge.

2. Frankie and Johnny in the Clair de Lune. Frankie got nervous on opening night and threw up on Johnny. In comparison, the movie was a masterpiece.

1. Les liaisons dangereuses as done by tenth graders. I was the A.S.M, and consequently, the only one who wasn't arrested.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

A List of People Who Can Go to Hell Now That I Can't Have Elizabeth Warren

So today was a rough day for everybody who isn't a @#$%-ing #$%hole. Let's just start there. If that upsets you, by all means, go straight to hell. This entire rant is going to be exactly what it sounds like. I am mad and I am going to exercise my right to BLOG ABOUT IT LIKE IT'S 1995, SO BUCKLE UP, BUTTERCUP. I really don't even know where to start, so let's just jump right in with the first person who comes to mind. Bloomberg, go to hell.  You really didn't have anything specific to do with today, but you can just go to hell for spending an ungodly amount of money on literally nothing.  I mean, you could have lit millions of dollars on fire and at least warmed the hands of the homeless, but instead, you made tv stations across the country that are already owned by Conservatives rich, so kudos to you and go to hell. Amy Klobuchar, I STUCK UP FOR YOU AMY.  I got into FIGHTS on SOCIAL MEDIA while DEFENDING your sorry, self-interested ass.  You know

Theater and the Outbreak

After last week's interview, a representative from a theater that recently experienced the results of opening too soon reached out to speak with me. I want to thank this person for coming forward in the hopes that it'll change some minds about what's safe and what isn't when it comes to the performing arts. Here's the interview: ME:  So this wasn't a full production or-- THEM:  No. It was us trying to do a little something for friends and donors. ME:  Who is 'us?' THEM:  The board of _____. ME:  And how long have you been on the board? THEM:  Three years. ME:  What was this going to be? THEM:  There's a, uh, beautiful park here in town, and we wanted to do an outdoor performance of a Shakespeare as a benefit, because, as you know, theaters are having a hard time right now paying the bills. We checked with the local government and the health department for the state to make sure we were doing everything the way we needed to in order to keep everyone s

People You Know Are More Important Than People You Don't Know

This post is in response to arguing with people--straight and gay alike--about a certain celebrity, whether or not she's an ally, if she's pandering, if pandering matters, and whether or not I'm an asshole. The last part is probably an enthusiastic "Yes" but let's reflect on this for a bit anyway without actually giving more time to an argument about a person none of us know, which is a crucial part of what I want to talk about. People you know are more important than people you don't know. I realize it's tricky in an age where we've never been closer or more engaged to our celebrities to keep in mind that we do not know them, they are not our friends, and while we may love them and stan and feel like we're attacked when they're attacked-- That is not true. That is not real. They are in no tangible way connected to us. Now, as someone who is obsessed with pop culture, I get that it's a little hypocritical for me to be making