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A List of People Who Can Go to Hell Now That I Can't Have Elizabeth Warren

So today was a rough day for everybody who isn't a @#$%-ing #$%hole.

Let's just start there.

If that upsets you, by all means, go straight to hell.

This entire rant is going to be exactly what it sounds like.

I am mad and I am going to exercise my right to BLOG ABOUT IT LIKE IT'S 1995, SO BUCKLE UP, BUTTERCUP.

I really don't even know where to start, so let's just jump right in with the first person who comes to mind.

Bloomberg, go to hell.  You really didn't have anything specific to do with today, but you can just go to hell for spending an ungodly amount of money on literally nothing.  I mean, you could have lit millions of dollars on fire and at least warmed the hands of the homeless, but instead, you made tv stations across the country that are already owned by Conservatives rich, so kudos to you and go to hell.

Amy Klobuchar, I STUCK UP FOR YOU AMY.  I got into FIGHTS on SOCIAL MEDIA while DEFENDING your sorry, self-interested ass.  You know who else stuck up for you a few times, Amy?  ELIZABETH WARREN.  And you jump to Team Biden?  You can go to hell.  I am beyond disappointed in you.  I have been following you and your career for years and I had so much respect for you, and you took all that respect and threw it in the Bloomberg Money Fire, because the DNC told you to.

Oh, and while we're on the subject, GO TO THE HELL DNC.  I have been a proud Democrat my ENTIRE LIFE and I have held that label proudly even when it was nearly impossible to do so, and when people accused you of putting your thumb on the scale against Bernie, I said "No!  Don't be ridiculous!" and then you throw a rally for Biden (who we will get to) that might as well have been called "The Thumb on the Scale Rally 2020."  It was repulsive.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Beto, go to hell.  And buy a tie, you piece of @#$%.  Please don't run for anything ever again unless it's President of the Tony Hawk Fan Club.  You and your Pod Save America guys and your watered-down bro-bulls#$# are trying to solve toxic masculinity with neutered masculinity as if that's the #$%-ing solution, and I really just need you to disappear forever.

MAYOR PETE.  Wow.  Wow, wow, wow.  What is there to say other than I loathe every single one of your supporters.  Like, every one of them.  Down to the very last person.  You are the perfect example of politics not tearing people apart so much as it reveals to us that YEAH, ACTUALLY I DON'T LIKE THAT #$%-ING GAY JERK FROM BROOKLYN WHO'S ALWAYS POSTING SHIRTLESS PHOTOS OF HIMSELF AFTER YOGA.  HE CAN #$%# OFF AND SO CAN YOU PETEY.  You're a disgrace to every group you represent, which at this point, runs the gamut from Guys Who Are Clearly Bad in Bed But It's Cool Because the Self-Hatred Has Replaced Their Sexuality to People Who Get Mad If They Lose at Monopoly.

Biden--Oh god, I can't.  I need to double back.

BERNIE SUPPORTERS.  How did today become about you?  How did you make that happen?  I mean, it would almost be impressive how self-involved you are if I weren't busy tearing out my hair at the fact that I have to vote for your candidate now.  I have no choice.  I've got to do it.  But if you think I am going to make it easy for you just because your guy is now my guy--Ohhhh, you are sorely mistaken.  I am now in your house, and unlike most of you, I don't allow for bulls*** in my house.  You wanted Warren supporters to join you so badly?  You're about to get your wish, motherf#$%#$, and we are a petty, petty tribe of people.  We are going to turn this little shack into a castle, and some of you are getting thrown in the Twitter dungeon as soon as we're done re-tiling it.  You know, today would not have been NEARLY as hard if some of you had just, I don't know, not been total dicks to a group of people who ideologically lined up right behind you just because you told yourself that we were SPLITTING THE VOTE.  Did you look at those exit poll surveys?  Do you realize that we were not the problem?  Are you at all able to take responsibility--not for the flaws of your candidate, who is happy to admit to those--but for the flaws of the people who follow him and are determined to make this race an MMA-meets-Reddit throw-down?   Even Sanders himself asked you to not bully Warren supporters, and as usual, whenever he tells you all not to do something, you doubled down and did it more, because you really don't give a #$% about Sanders, you just want to wield him like a weapon against whoever picked on you in high school, and somehow that translates into calling guys like me a faggot on Twitter.  Bravo.  Go to hell.

OKAY BIDEN, YOU'RE UP.

I do not believe--for one second--that you have a prayer of winning this election.  And the good news, if I'm wrong, I still get another President, so let's just roll with this.  You getting this close to the nomination is a nightmare come to life.  It's like I think-pieced you into existence.  Your rallying cry that we should elect a "real Democrat" when half your policies are regurgitated Reaganomics is so nauseating, you should hand out Dramamine at your rallies.  Listen, I hate the primary process as much as the next guy, but the fact is, you are a man who failed miserably three times and now want to be considered a front-runner, because you did well IN ONE STATE because you tattooed the word Obama onto your forehead and went to every county shouting 'electability' to anyone who would listen.  Your closet is so full of skeletons, it should qualify as a Natural History Museum.  You are the weakest possible candidate I could have ever imagined, and the fact that people think you might fare better than Hillary is just an admission that women are playing by different rules than men.  Go to hell.

Every single person in this country who felt completely comfortable answering the question "Would you vote for a woman?" "Would you vote for a gay man?" "Would you vote for someone qualified if they're not someone you can eat barbecue chicken with at a state fair?" in the negative can go to hell.

People who talk about uniting this country can go to hell, because a significant number of people in this country still think I should not be allowed to be President not because I'm certifiable, but because I like guys, and that's #$^%#-ing gross.

But mostly, the President can go to hell.

Or really, he can go anywhere as long as he goes somewhere in November.

I will calm down.
I will realign.
I will vote Blue.

But as someone who supported Warren, I feel as though I have been kicked around by every group and group of supporters on earth, and if you think I'm not going to use the next few weeks to get in a few kicks of my own, then, like you did with my candidate, you have really underestimated me.

Comments

  1. I love you. (In a completely not go to hell kind of way.)

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  2. This is so incredibly perfect. Can you perform it without a mic somewhere screaming into the void?

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  3. Welp. Found a kindred spirit today. Cool.

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  4. I've been feeling this way almost every election since my first—voting for McGovern in 1972—but this one is the worst by far. You've nailed it. Warren supporters and Women unite. When's the next full moon?

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  5. This so much, thankfully I don't live in the States anymore but my blood pressure is still suffering even from this distance.

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    Replies
    1. Eva, Where do you live, and will that country open its door to a retired lesbian who will be in need of health insurance?

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  6. Love this and it is so true. I’m pissed because my vote doesn’t count anymore because two old white guys with bad hair divided it up before my state even held an election!

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    Replies
    1. OMG, I am like, my primary isn't until April, why should I even bother? The winner will be clear before the day arrives here.

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  7. Reading this was incredibly satisfying. Thank you!

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  8. I wonder why all the democrat primary voters are so prejudiced?

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  9. Sigh. I actually yelled "bitch" at my TV when I heard Klobuchar dropped out then threw her supporters to Biden. Then yesterday I was firmly crushed into the ground when Warren dropped out. The only two real candidates left, Biden and Bernie, I'm not counting Tulsi Gabbard at all, are bad and worse. I'm not even sure if bad and worse should be organized as Bernie and Biden. It's a sad day.

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  10. I'm dying - I mean this is the first thing that has brought me unmitigated joy since EW left the race and my partner became fixated on the inevitability that we all get CONVID-19 under Admiral Space Force, Mike Pence. I think the Tony Hawk thing was my favorite. My thanks.

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  11. Add this group to the "Go To Hell" list:

    Every uber left winger who thought Hillary was "too much/too cold/too-whatever" who wrung their hands and whinged "If ONLY Elizabeth Warren would run!" who then turned tail and said she was "too much/too cold/too-whatever."

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  12. Warren was not my number one, but I also feel the pain of her exiting. Thank you for this rant. I am beyond angry and terrified right now...

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  13. I needed this right now -- thank you for summarizing all my thoughts from this week in the perfect voice. I will only add that these two are also on my Go to Hell list at the moment. https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/15/us/politics/aoc-endorses-bernie-sanders.html

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  14. As a Sanders supporter, I can empathize with you , mostly. Even your point about Bernie supporters. I've seen some of their comments and agree with your assessment.

    Just know that we're not all like that. 😁

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  15. Yeah, no, 100% with you on this one. Gonna vote blue; not gonna be thrilled about who.

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  16. You 💛💛💛
    Thank you for this.

    Sending love from Iceland ❤️

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  17. Been wondering how to express my anger the last few days---this rant is PERFECT!

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  18. I'm pissed that the field has been narrowed down to two white geezers (keeping in mind that I am a geezer, too) before my &%#@% primary ballot was even counted.

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  19. THE LIBRARY HAS BEEN OPEN!

    Remember It Is IMPORTANT TO READ CHILDREN~!

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  20. I want to get this entire post tattooed on my arms because THANK YOU for being so unapologetic. I feel the exact same way as you, but I've already been told to be careful about saying how I feel because I'm a woman and I shouldn't come across like a bitch and what if my employer sees it? I shouldn't take that risk. Well, fuck it. This has inspired me. I remember reading a Tina Fey quote that said, "you know what? Bitches get things done." I'm so proud to be a Warren supporter with an amazing person like you, and I'm excited to take this anger that we all feel and turn it into action. Because right now, I'm sad and disappointed and confused by mostly, I'm fucking angry. So thank you for putting that into words.

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  21. I found this provided a howling relief. Thank you. I too have been proclaiming my righteous indignation! Everyone can just piss off!

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  22. Laughing through my rage tears. Thank you.

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  23. My eyes are still puffy from crying but they are wide open. Thank you for expressing much of the outrage and betrayal that I feel.

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  24. Hey...I am feeling it. You said it.

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  25. Thank you for writing this!

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  26. Totally appreciate this post. Thank you.

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  27. Oh my god, I love this. Thank you for writing it . Thank you for writing down how I feel. I am so fucking pissed off and you nailed that feeling for me. Thanks.

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  28. Thank you! She was THE one!She is always ahead of the pack! Loved the Bloomberg message!

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