Replacing Paula

Dear American Idol Producers,

Now that Paula is gone, I'd like to make my case for a replacement.

Before I tell you who it is, I should mention that my suggestion is not someone in the music industry. Nor is she particularly musical. In fact, I'm not even sure she listens to music.

That being said, I think she'll be a solid addition to the American Idol judging panel--and more than that, a perfect replacement for Miss Abdul.

After all, you're going to want someone who will draw as much attention to Idol as Paula did, and that's not going to be easy to find. Anyone can be crazy, but to be crazy AND quotable is a skill not many fallen icons have...

But I've found the perfect one.

Two Words

Janice Dickinson

Now, before you go apeshit, let me state my case:

1) She's familiar with reality television.
2) She's been a judge before ON a reality television show.
3) She's batshit fucking crazy.

Can you imagine Simon and Janice fighting? Who cares if she doesn't know anything about singing? Neither do Randy and Kara, and I don't care what their resumes say. (Did you hear that song Kara wrote last year? I've heard animals giving birth that sounded better.)

The ratings haven't been so great lately, Idol. You need to think about the numbers. Janice would guarantee that people would tune in, just to see how many girls a week she'd tell to lose weight.

If Janice had been on the show before now, not only would Adam Lambert have come out in the first week, by the end of the show she'd have had him in a sequined gown feeding her pomegranates.

I know you're hesitant to take on a project as big as Miss D, but hey, you're willing to put that many Mormons onstage every night and trust that they're not going to reveal that they're already married at fifteen with seven kids--I think you're taking plenty of risks as it is.

And who cares if she doesn't know a thing about music. Idol stopped being about music the minute you let Justin Guarini onstage, and it hasn't become any more musical since.

So trust me, give Janice the Paula slot. The first time she flips out and vomits on some tone-deaf girl from Nebraska trying to sing "Boom Boom Pow", you'll be thanking me all the way to the bank.

Sincerely,
Kevin Broccoli