In true Kevin Broccoli fashion, and probably showing why these people don't like me in the first place, I've decided to document who doesn't like me and why.
Before you panic, don't worry. I have no intention of naming names and driving straight into Awkward City. I just think you should try to find humor wherever you can, even in a list of people who don't think you're very funny.
I've replaced the names of the actual people with the names of famous Ukrainian novelists. Also, I think it's only fair to mention that in no way am I disputing the reason for these people's feelings towards me. They are absolutely right for disliking me, and I probably would dislike me too if I were them. It's one thing to have a list of people who don't like you just because they're jerks; it's another thing when you've earned that dislike.
In every case I've either apologized for my actions or assumed that apologizing would be pointless, if not insulting, but I'm pretty sure I'll be wracked with guilt for years to come over these mistakes, unless I manage to save one of them from a giant iguana or something like that. Even then, that might not cut it.
I remember when I was in 2nd Grade in Catholic school and they taught us about confession. The idea was to confess to something you did wrong. We practiced before having our actual confession by telling our teacher one thing we had done that we would like forgiveness for, and here's how it sounded--
"I hit my brother but he deserved it."
"I lied to my mom but I didn't really..."
"I stole a candy bar, but then I paid for it."
The teacher kept getting frustrated because it was nearly impossible to get us to admit that we had done something wrong without some kind of clarifying statement. We didn't know how to just say--"I did something wrong" and let it sit. I guess I still have that problem.
In addition to my Ukrainians, I'm listing things I would be willing to do to get each of these people to stop hating me, and when I say I'm being completely serious about all those things; I'm only half-lying. I would, actually, be willing to do any of those things to show how sorry I am, but I also specifically picked them for their absurdity and/or their humiliating nature. So they do serve both purposes.
Let's begin.
1) Igor Sergei Klinki - Igor doesn't like me because in a moment of both poor judgment and severe insensitivity, I took advantage of him. In what can only be described as an effort to then pour salt into the gaping wound, I acted like a total drama queen when faced with what I had done via a third party. I created a major debacle rather than keep my mouth shut--shocker, I know. To Mr. Klinki's credit, he was very upfront with me about the fact that he thinks I'm a tool, and hasn't tried to feign anything more than civility since then. This was all after he wrote "The sun shines for the damned ones" so at least I can't be blamed for that.
Things I Would Do to Get Him to Stop Hating Me: Read "The sun shines for the damned ones," let him wound me and then pour salt into the wound, eat raw pumpkin, and dye my hair a bronze-esque color.
2) Viktor Petrov - Viktor doesn't like me because over the years, I have abused his trust, said unflattering things about him, said unflattering things about him in a strictly gossip-like nature, refused to just tell him when I was upset with him about something, and degraded my character towards him to a degree that astounds even me. To say I would like to undo all this would be like having asked someone on the Titanic if they'd caught the next ship. Every time I see Viktor, after I tell him how good he looks despite having been dead since 1969, I feel an overwhelming urge to just say "I'm sorry" over and over again until I have no voice, I'm out of breath, and I'm all out of love.
Things I Would Do to Get Him to Stop Hating Me: Go down on that tiny submarine they take you in to see the Titanic, build a villa for small children in a Latin American country, eat the tongue of an animal from a continent other than my own, and change my middle name to Petrov--it could be like my Scarlet Letter, except instead of a letter it's a Ukrainian name.
3) Serhiy Viktorovych Zhadan - This would be the major screw-up. This would be The Fountainhead of screw-ups. This screw-up is epic. Serhiy is an incredibly nice guy--funny, sweet, generous, and successful. So of course, by the time I finished with him, he hated my guts. I should have passed him by when I met him, because the timing couldn't have been more wrong, but being the greedy, impatient jackass that I am, I was determined to make it work. It didn't. It was my fault. Thinking of him reminds me of a line from this amazing book called "Dear American Airlines," where the protagonist tells the ex-wife he hurt that there is a Polish word that is a combination of "I'm sorry" and "I'm in pain." As if to say, I'm in pain over how sorry I am for what I've done. Yeah, that about sums up how I feel where Serhiy is concerned.
Things I Would Do to Get Him to Stop Hating Me: Anything.
It's odd to look at a list of people who don't like you. In many ways, it's like looking in an unforgiving mirror. You see every crack and flaw in your facade.
Does it make you want to change? Of course.
The trouble is, you changing isn't necessarily going to change the list.
Before you panic, don't worry. I have no intention of naming names and driving straight into Awkward City. I just think you should try to find humor wherever you can, even in a list of people who don't think you're very funny.
I've replaced the names of the actual people with the names of famous Ukrainian novelists. Also, I think it's only fair to mention that in no way am I disputing the reason for these people's feelings towards me. They are absolutely right for disliking me, and I probably would dislike me too if I were them. It's one thing to have a list of people who don't like you just because they're jerks; it's another thing when you've earned that dislike.
In every case I've either apologized for my actions or assumed that apologizing would be pointless, if not insulting, but I'm pretty sure I'll be wracked with guilt for years to come over these mistakes, unless I manage to save one of them from a giant iguana or something like that. Even then, that might not cut it.
I remember when I was in 2nd Grade in Catholic school and they taught us about confession. The idea was to confess to something you did wrong. We practiced before having our actual confession by telling our teacher one thing we had done that we would like forgiveness for, and here's how it sounded--
"I hit my brother but he deserved it."
"I lied to my mom but I didn't really..."
"I stole a candy bar, but then I paid for it."
The teacher kept getting frustrated because it was nearly impossible to get us to admit that we had done something wrong without some kind of clarifying statement. We didn't know how to just say--"I did something wrong" and let it sit. I guess I still have that problem.
In addition to my Ukrainians, I'm listing things I would be willing to do to get each of these people to stop hating me, and when I say I'm being completely serious about all those things; I'm only half-lying. I would, actually, be willing to do any of those things to show how sorry I am, but I also specifically picked them for their absurdity and/or their humiliating nature. So they do serve both purposes.
Let's begin.
1) Igor Sergei Klinki - Igor doesn't like me because in a moment of both poor judgment and severe insensitivity, I took advantage of him. In what can only be described as an effort to then pour salt into the gaping wound, I acted like a total drama queen when faced with what I had done via a third party. I created a major debacle rather than keep my mouth shut--shocker, I know. To Mr. Klinki's credit, he was very upfront with me about the fact that he thinks I'm a tool, and hasn't tried to feign anything more than civility since then. This was all after he wrote "The sun shines for the damned ones" so at least I can't be blamed for that.
Things I Would Do to Get Him to Stop Hating Me: Read "The sun shines for the damned ones," let him wound me and then pour salt into the wound, eat raw pumpkin, and dye my hair a bronze-esque color.
2) Viktor Petrov - Viktor doesn't like me because over the years, I have abused his trust, said unflattering things about him, said unflattering things about him in a strictly gossip-like nature, refused to just tell him when I was upset with him about something, and degraded my character towards him to a degree that astounds even me. To say I would like to undo all this would be like having asked someone on the Titanic if they'd caught the next ship. Every time I see Viktor, after I tell him how good he looks despite having been dead since 1969, I feel an overwhelming urge to just say "I'm sorry" over and over again until I have no voice, I'm out of breath, and I'm all out of love.
Things I Would Do to Get Him to Stop Hating Me: Go down on that tiny submarine they take you in to see the Titanic, build a villa for small children in a Latin American country, eat the tongue of an animal from a continent other than my own, and change my middle name to Petrov--it could be like my Scarlet Letter, except instead of a letter it's a Ukrainian name.
3) Serhiy Viktorovych Zhadan - This would be the major screw-up. This would be The Fountainhead of screw-ups. This screw-up is epic. Serhiy is an incredibly nice guy--funny, sweet, generous, and successful. So of course, by the time I finished with him, he hated my guts. I should have passed him by when I met him, because the timing couldn't have been more wrong, but being the greedy, impatient jackass that I am, I was determined to make it work. It didn't. It was my fault. Thinking of him reminds me of a line from this amazing book called "Dear American Airlines," where the protagonist tells the ex-wife he hurt that there is a Polish word that is a combination of "I'm sorry" and "I'm in pain." As if to say, I'm in pain over how sorry I am for what I've done. Yeah, that about sums up how I feel where Serhiy is concerned.
Things I Would Do to Get Him to Stop Hating Me: Anything.
It's odd to look at a list of people who don't like you. In many ways, it's like looking in an unforgiving mirror. You see every crack and flaw in your facade.
Does it make you want to change? Of course.
The trouble is, you changing isn't necessarily going to change the list.
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