Dear Bravo,
The time has come.
I know it's been a rough year for you. Breaking up with Project Runway would certainly be enough to make me binge on Ben and Jerry's and weep. I know it doesn't make it any easier that all your friends are going to betray you by watching it on Lifetime. Forgive us. We're weak...and none of us like your new boyfriend, The Fashion Show (Kelly Rowland? What's the matter? Was Toni Braxton not available?)
All that aside, you're going in the wrong direction. What makes me say that?
A little show called NYC Prep.
Oh, I know what you're thinking. It's like Gossip Girl BUT REAL! Here's the thing, the fact that Gossip Girl could actually be real is absolutely terrifying to all of us who watch Gossip Girl. Not to mention that none of those NYC Prattlers are anywhere near as attractive as anyone on GG--including Jenny, and that's saying something.
I don't care how good the ratings are. I don't care if some...most...all of my friends like NYC Prep and the other Horsemen of the Apocalypse--The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Some of my friends thought "He's Just Not That Into You" was a good movie. That'll give you some idea of their taste. (Still not convinced? Some of them voluntarily spend time with me in bookstores...not a good scene, I promise you that.)
You're supposed to be better than all this. You came up with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, one of the best make-over shows of all time--until the Fab Five went on every show from Martha Stewart to 60 Minutes.
I'm not saying all your reality shows are bad. Flipping Out is fantastic. I'll watch that crazy gay man go nuts for HOURS given the opportunity. Any of your shows where people exhibit actual talent is definitely a keeper. This means Top Chef...and...um...How about more Top Chef?
(I'm not talking about Top Chef: Masters. It should be called Top Chef: Snoozefest.)
The shows that have to go? All the Housewives, Shear Genius (How many haircutting challenges can you actually come up with?), Top Design (India hosting a show is like me hosting a gay exorcism), The Fashion Show, Workout, NYC Potheads, and--the bane of my existence--
Millionaire Matchmaker
How people can spend more than twenty minutes watching Howard Stern's twin sister pimp out women to ugly rich guys is beyond me.
I have some suggestions as to how to make your network more refined, more sophisticated, more to the liking of the people who used to watch back when James Lipton was your biggest draw.
#1: Bring Back Boy Meets Boy...And This Time Do It Right: No hiding straights amongst the gays, no getting some shallow douchebag to be the catch, no allowing him to have his hag help him pick, and have the whole thing be hosted by--are you ready?--Mr. Daniel Vosovic. Keep it in the Bravo family.
#2: Stick It to the Runway People: Just because you can't have Runway doesn't mean you can't take advantage of its fame. How? By contestant-napping. Gather up all the famous Runway contestants over the years and do an All-Star version. Call it whatever you want--even The Fashion Show, if you must--nobody will care. Put Kenley up against Christian Siriano and I'm there.
#3: Take Top Chef, and Make It Instructional: Tom C's Cooking School. Take people like me, who are disasters in the kitchen, and make them into Top Chefs. That's a spin-off you can bank on. It'll be like Hell's Kitchen meets Made. It'll be fantastic--especially if you can get Marcel to host--I love that little guy.
#4: You Need a Talk Show: Be the first network to have a talk show hosted by a gay man. Find some witty, undiscovered gay guy in his twenties to host a nightly show, and you could be THAT MUCH CLOSER to being considered a real network.
#5: A Reality Show with a Built-In Audience: Two words--Broadway, Backstage.
Feel free to take and use any of these ideas. And if you really can't think of a host for that show...
Just call my agent.
- Kevin -
The time has come.
I know it's been a rough year for you. Breaking up with Project Runway would certainly be enough to make me binge on Ben and Jerry's and weep. I know it doesn't make it any easier that all your friends are going to betray you by watching it on Lifetime. Forgive us. We're weak...and none of us like your new boyfriend, The Fashion Show (Kelly Rowland? What's the matter? Was Toni Braxton not available?)
All that aside, you're going in the wrong direction. What makes me say that?
A little show called NYC Prep.
Oh, I know what you're thinking. It's like Gossip Girl BUT REAL! Here's the thing, the fact that Gossip Girl could actually be real is absolutely terrifying to all of us who watch Gossip Girl. Not to mention that none of those NYC Prattlers are anywhere near as attractive as anyone on GG--including Jenny, and that's saying something.
I don't care how good the ratings are. I don't care if some...most...all of my friends like NYC Prep and the other Horsemen of the Apocalypse--The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Some of my friends thought "He's Just Not That Into You" was a good movie. That'll give you some idea of their taste. (Still not convinced? Some of them voluntarily spend time with me in bookstores...not a good scene, I promise you that.)
You're supposed to be better than all this. You came up with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, one of the best make-over shows of all time--until the Fab Five went on every show from Martha Stewart to 60 Minutes.
I'm not saying all your reality shows are bad. Flipping Out is fantastic. I'll watch that crazy gay man go nuts for HOURS given the opportunity. Any of your shows where people exhibit actual talent is definitely a keeper. This means Top Chef...and...um...How about more Top Chef?
(I'm not talking about Top Chef: Masters. It should be called Top Chef: Snoozefest.)
The shows that have to go? All the Housewives, Shear Genius (How many haircutting challenges can you actually come up with?), Top Design (India hosting a show is like me hosting a gay exorcism), The Fashion Show, Workout, NYC Potheads, and--the bane of my existence--
Millionaire Matchmaker
How people can spend more than twenty minutes watching Howard Stern's twin sister pimp out women to ugly rich guys is beyond me.
I have some suggestions as to how to make your network more refined, more sophisticated, more to the liking of the people who used to watch back when James Lipton was your biggest draw.
#1: Bring Back Boy Meets Boy...And This Time Do It Right: No hiding straights amongst the gays, no getting some shallow douchebag to be the catch, no allowing him to have his hag help him pick, and have the whole thing be hosted by--are you ready?--Mr. Daniel Vosovic. Keep it in the Bravo family.
#2: Stick It to the Runway People: Just because you can't have Runway doesn't mean you can't take advantage of its fame. How? By contestant-napping. Gather up all the famous Runway contestants over the years and do an All-Star version. Call it whatever you want--even The Fashion Show, if you must--nobody will care. Put Kenley up against Christian Siriano and I'm there.
#3: Take Top Chef, and Make It Instructional: Tom C's Cooking School. Take people like me, who are disasters in the kitchen, and make them into Top Chefs. That's a spin-off you can bank on. It'll be like Hell's Kitchen meets Made. It'll be fantastic--especially if you can get Marcel to host--I love that little guy.
#4: You Need a Talk Show: Be the first network to have a talk show hosted by a gay man. Find some witty, undiscovered gay guy in his twenties to host a nightly show, and you could be THAT MUCH CLOSER to being considered a real network.
#5: A Reality Show with a Built-In Audience: Two words--Broadway, Backstage.
Feel free to take and use any of these ideas. And if you really can't think of a host for that show...
Just call my agent.
- Kevin -
Comments
Post a Comment