Dear Angelina,
My friend--and by friend, I mean "celebrity I've never met"--Jennifer Aniston, cannot respond to your latest round of gloating over having stolen her husband a few years back. That's because she's a good, decent person who doesn't feel the need to continually address the fact that an alien from Planet Ho-Bag ruined her marriage.
Luckily for her, I've got plenty of time to address you.
First off, I'd like to list all the movies you've sucked in. I realize you may be an Academy Award winning actress (the award being for playing a crazy person, hmm...what a stretch) but I wonder if that movie makes up for these--
Pushing Tin
Playing By Heart
Gone in Sixty Seconds
Life or Something Like It
Beyond Borders
Taking Lives
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (A forgotten gem--forgotten for a reason)
The Good Shepherd (You as a housewife, HA!)
Lara Croft--Both Movies (I don't care if the first one made money.)
Wait for it, wait for it--
ALEXANDER (The Worst Movie Made in English)
Secondly, I'd like to remind everyone that you have made out with both Billy Bob Thornton and your brother. I can't think of which is more disgusting. You gave some of the most vile and graphic red carpet interviews known to man--when Joan Rivers is blushing, you know you're a whore. Tommy Lee's limousine didn't need as much cleaning as yours did.
Thirdly, it's ridiculous to think you can actually be a good parent to all those adopted children. What are you, an Osmond?
Fourth, what were you on at the Oscars? Who smiles like that? Had you just swallowed a zebra? Are you, in fact, as rumors claim, a leopard? Please clear this up.
Lastly, any girl who says they would "go gay" for you will now be referred to, by me, as a traitor to their gender. I will admit, however, that they're probably saying that because you look like Robert Mitchum, who was a very attractive man.
That's all,
Kevin Broccoli
PS. Jen, you're welcome.
My friend--and by friend, I mean "celebrity I've never met"--Jennifer Aniston, cannot respond to your latest round of gloating over having stolen her husband a few years back. That's because she's a good, decent person who doesn't feel the need to continually address the fact that an alien from Planet Ho-Bag ruined her marriage.
Luckily for her, I've got plenty of time to address you.
First off, I'd like to list all the movies you've sucked in. I realize you may be an Academy Award winning actress (the award being for playing a crazy person, hmm...what a stretch) but I wonder if that movie makes up for these--
Pushing Tin
Playing By Heart
Gone in Sixty Seconds
Life or Something Like It
Beyond Borders
Taking Lives
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (A forgotten gem--forgotten for a reason)
The Good Shepherd (You as a housewife, HA!)
Lara Croft--Both Movies (I don't care if the first one made money.)
Wait for it, wait for it--
ALEXANDER (The Worst Movie Made in English)
Secondly, I'd like to remind everyone that you have made out with both Billy Bob Thornton and your brother. I can't think of which is more disgusting. You gave some of the most vile and graphic red carpet interviews known to man--when Joan Rivers is blushing, you know you're a whore. Tommy Lee's limousine didn't need as much cleaning as yours did.
Thirdly, it's ridiculous to think you can actually be a good parent to all those adopted children. What are you, an Osmond?
Fourth, what were you on at the Oscars? Who smiles like that? Had you just swallowed a zebra? Are you, in fact, as rumors claim, a leopard? Please clear this up.
Lastly, any girl who says they would "go gay" for you will now be referred to, by me, as a traitor to their gender. I will admit, however, that they're probably saying that because you look like Robert Mitchum, who was a very attractive man.
That's all,
Kevin Broccoli
PS. Jen, you're welcome.
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