I had lunch with some friends to discuss a crisis.
TURNER: Nobody's writing on my wall anymore.
Admittedly, I was expecting more of a crisis.
ME: Your wall?
TURNER: My Facebook wall. Nobody's writing on it.
SCOOTER: You know why, don't you?
TURNER: Is it because I changed my Facebook photo back to that one of me dressed like Little Edie? It was a Halloween costume!
SCOOTER: It's because you're in a relationship.
There was a silence at the table. I picked at my grilled chicken.
TURNER: Is this true?
BRIAN: No! Of course not!
You can always tell when Brian's lying, because he tilts his head to the left and squints.
TURNER: You're tilting and squinting! It is true!
ME: It's not that people aren't writing on your wall. It's just that some of the people who used to write on your wall wanted to sleep with you, and now that you have a boyfriend, they've given up.
TURNER: So basically, everybody whose ever been nice to me has just wanted to get in my pants.
SCOOTER: Pretty much. Why do you think I'm here?
TURNER: Yeah! How come you still write on my wall?
SCOOTER: I'm waiting you out.
BRIAN: You're WAITING him OUT?
SCOOTER: No offense, Turner, but I've seen your boyfriend dance. If his dancing is any indicator of how he is in bed--
BRIAN: --Which isn't always--
SCOOTER: Tilt and squint!
BRIAN: Damn!
SCOOTER: Then you two won't be together long.
ME: Isn't it lovely how we can all be unnecessarily honest with each other?
Turner slammed his hand down on the table.
TURNER: I AM HAVING AMAZING SEX!
Of course, this had to be the one day the cafe was packed.
ME: Anybody murdered anyone recently and want to yell about it?
Turner looked quite upset.
TURNER: No wonder why when I go out nobody says hi to me.
ME: Yeah, can we talk about that? What's with the not saying hi?
SCOOTER: I don't say hi to anybody.
ME: Why not?
SCOOTER: Because when you say hi to people, they think you like them.
ME: And?
SCOOTER: And I don't like anybody.
BRIAN: I'll say hi, but only if someone says it to me first.
ME: So if someone's across the room from you, and you know them, will you mouth the 'hi?'
BRIAN: Not unless they initiate.
SCOOTER: I always mouth the wrong thing. I think it's my subconscious jumping the gun.
TURNER: Half of my college friends have stopped writing on my wall. Nobody on my indoor volleyball team has written anything lately--
ME: Will you wave at least?
BRIAN: Waving is so awkward.
ME: But sitting there looking at someone you know and not acknowledging them isn't?
SCOOTER: He's a snob.
BRIAN: Oh, and you're not?
SCOOTER: I'm not a snob; I just dislike everyone. Snobs dislike some people; I dislike everyone.
I wasn't sure which of them I wanted to hit harder.
ME: Can I ask something? What happens to us--collectively, as a (and I hesitate to use this word, but here it goes) community--when we're all old and can't have sex? What then? Are any of us going to have any friends?
BRIAN: Yes.
ME: Who?
BRIAN: We'll have the people we used to sleep with before we got old.
SCOOTER: When I get too old to have sex, I want you to put me on an iceberg and point me towards the horizon.
TURNER: Wait, Brian, why haven't you been writing on my wall?
BRIAN: I've just been so--
ALL: Tilt and squint.
BRIAN: DAMN!
Turner stood up.
ME: You're not going to yell again, are you?
TURNER: I have no friends!
SCOOTER: None of us do. We just have people we want to sleep with and people we've already slept with that we might want to sleep with again someday.
ME: That is a filthy lie. I have absolutely no urge to ever sleep with Brian.
BRIAN: And I never want to sleep with Kevin.
ME: I would rather pierce organs.
BRIAN: I would rather babysit rabid animals.
ME: I would rather lick--
TURNER: Okay, I get it.
Brian and I smiled at each other, neither one believing the other.
SCOOTER: Look, it's lovely that you all want to have deep, personal friendships, but some of us are on the market and that means everyone has market value. If you're off the market, you have no value. Why is that bad?
TURNER: Because I should have more to offer as a person than just sex and dating!
ME: Yes, Scooter, I'm confused. What do you do when you just want to hang out with someone and not have sex?
SCOOTER: I don't understand the question.
BRIAN: I see where Scooter's coming from.
ME: Great. Here comes Anakin walking towards the dark side.
BRIAN: There are friends and then there are people you're interested in, and I don't see why it's a bad thing to not be interested in someone if you wanted them as more than a friend and then they can't be.
ME: Turner, what he's saying is that the people who used to write on your wall liked you, and now they're disappointed, but once they get past that, they'll want to get to know you for who you are and they'll see what a great person you are--
BRIAN: And then they'll be even more pissed because he's TAKEN!
SCOOTER: Bingo.
I decided to stroll towards the other side; just to bring up a point.
ME: Turner, you can't complain about people not staying in touch with you when you've become a Relationship Hermit.
TURNER: I have not!
ME: What did you do Friday night?
TURNER: Stayed at home with Aaron and watched t.v.
ME: Saturday night?
TURNER: Stayed at home with Aaron and watched t.v.
ME: Sunday afternoon?
TURNER: Went to Aaron's niece's birthday party.
ME: Gentlemen, we have a hermit.
SCOOTER: The niece's birthday party is the red flag. Once you're going to niece's birthday parties, it's all over.
ME: Plus, I've written on your wall and you deleted it!
TURNER: Aaron got mad.
ME: Because I left a smiley face on your wall?
TURNER: He thought it was flirty.
ME: IT WAS A SMILEY FACE!
BRIAN: Smiley faces are kind of flirty.
ME: Are you kidding me?
TURNER: It's because he knows we dated for a little while.
ME: So he's uncomfortable with anyone you ever dated communicating with you in a way that isn't monastic?
SCOOTER: Good word.
ME: Ninjawords.com.
SCOOTER: Noted.
TURNER: He just has a problem with people I've had relations with staying friends with me.
BRIAN: So basically, the entire state?
TURNER: Shut up! You've dated more people than me.
ME: He is aware we--
TURNER: --Live in Rhode Island. Yes, and he doesn't care. It makes him uneasy.
ME: But it was just a smiley face!
TURNER: He thinks it means you want to sleep with me. He thinks every gay man wants to sleep with me.
ME: That's ridiculous.
SCOOTER: I want to sleep with him.
ME: The exception that proves the point.
It was then I realized I was out of grilled chicken and needed to wrap this up.
ME: Look, I'll write on your wall more if it'll make you feel better. That way when you log on you can see a cute little number at the bottom corner of your screen that means people love you and are interested in declaring it for the world to see.
BRIAN: I'll do it too.
SCOOTER: I'll just post a bunch of smiley faces.
TURNER: Thank you.
ME: And one more thing, when we all get old and before we ship Scooter off on his ice patch, can we all still do lunch once in awhile? Irregardless of relationships and market value?
BRIAN: Sure.
TURNER: Absolutely.
SCOOTER: I'm TBD at this point.
BRIAN: I think you HAVE TBD at this point.
It's a wonder I never stay for dessert.
TURNER: Nobody's writing on my wall anymore.
Admittedly, I was expecting more of a crisis.
ME: Your wall?
TURNER: My Facebook wall. Nobody's writing on it.
SCOOTER: You know why, don't you?
TURNER: Is it because I changed my Facebook photo back to that one of me dressed like Little Edie? It was a Halloween costume!
SCOOTER: It's because you're in a relationship.
There was a silence at the table. I picked at my grilled chicken.
TURNER: Is this true?
BRIAN: No! Of course not!
You can always tell when Brian's lying, because he tilts his head to the left and squints.
TURNER: You're tilting and squinting! It is true!
ME: It's not that people aren't writing on your wall. It's just that some of the people who used to write on your wall wanted to sleep with you, and now that you have a boyfriend, they've given up.
TURNER: So basically, everybody whose ever been nice to me has just wanted to get in my pants.
SCOOTER: Pretty much. Why do you think I'm here?
TURNER: Yeah! How come you still write on my wall?
SCOOTER: I'm waiting you out.
BRIAN: You're WAITING him OUT?
SCOOTER: No offense, Turner, but I've seen your boyfriend dance. If his dancing is any indicator of how he is in bed--
BRIAN: --Which isn't always--
SCOOTER: Tilt and squint!
BRIAN: Damn!
SCOOTER: Then you two won't be together long.
ME: Isn't it lovely how we can all be unnecessarily honest with each other?
Turner slammed his hand down on the table.
TURNER: I AM HAVING AMAZING SEX!
Of course, this had to be the one day the cafe was packed.
ME: Anybody murdered anyone recently and want to yell about it?
Turner looked quite upset.
TURNER: No wonder why when I go out nobody says hi to me.
ME: Yeah, can we talk about that? What's with the not saying hi?
SCOOTER: I don't say hi to anybody.
ME: Why not?
SCOOTER: Because when you say hi to people, they think you like them.
ME: And?
SCOOTER: And I don't like anybody.
BRIAN: I'll say hi, but only if someone says it to me first.
ME: So if someone's across the room from you, and you know them, will you mouth the 'hi?'
BRIAN: Not unless they initiate.
SCOOTER: I always mouth the wrong thing. I think it's my subconscious jumping the gun.
TURNER: Half of my college friends have stopped writing on my wall. Nobody on my indoor volleyball team has written anything lately--
ME: Will you wave at least?
BRIAN: Waving is so awkward.
ME: But sitting there looking at someone you know and not acknowledging them isn't?
SCOOTER: He's a snob.
BRIAN: Oh, and you're not?
SCOOTER: I'm not a snob; I just dislike everyone. Snobs dislike some people; I dislike everyone.
I wasn't sure which of them I wanted to hit harder.
ME: Can I ask something? What happens to us--collectively, as a (and I hesitate to use this word, but here it goes) community--when we're all old and can't have sex? What then? Are any of us going to have any friends?
BRIAN: Yes.
ME: Who?
BRIAN: We'll have the people we used to sleep with before we got old.
SCOOTER: When I get too old to have sex, I want you to put me on an iceberg and point me towards the horizon.
TURNER: Wait, Brian, why haven't you been writing on my wall?
BRIAN: I've just been so--
ALL: Tilt and squint.
BRIAN: DAMN!
Turner stood up.
ME: You're not going to yell again, are you?
TURNER: I have no friends!
SCOOTER: None of us do. We just have people we want to sleep with and people we've already slept with that we might want to sleep with again someday.
ME: That is a filthy lie. I have absolutely no urge to ever sleep with Brian.
BRIAN: And I never want to sleep with Kevin.
ME: I would rather pierce organs.
BRIAN: I would rather babysit rabid animals.
ME: I would rather lick--
TURNER: Okay, I get it.
Brian and I smiled at each other, neither one believing the other.
SCOOTER: Look, it's lovely that you all want to have deep, personal friendships, but some of us are on the market and that means everyone has market value. If you're off the market, you have no value. Why is that bad?
TURNER: Because I should have more to offer as a person than just sex and dating!
ME: Yes, Scooter, I'm confused. What do you do when you just want to hang out with someone and not have sex?
SCOOTER: I don't understand the question.
BRIAN: I see where Scooter's coming from.
ME: Great. Here comes Anakin walking towards the dark side.
BRIAN: There are friends and then there are people you're interested in, and I don't see why it's a bad thing to not be interested in someone if you wanted them as more than a friend and then they can't be.
ME: Turner, what he's saying is that the people who used to write on your wall liked you, and now they're disappointed, but once they get past that, they'll want to get to know you for who you are and they'll see what a great person you are--
BRIAN: And then they'll be even more pissed because he's TAKEN!
SCOOTER: Bingo.
I decided to stroll towards the other side; just to bring up a point.
ME: Turner, you can't complain about people not staying in touch with you when you've become a Relationship Hermit.
TURNER: I have not!
ME: What did you do Friday night?
TURNER: Stayed at home with Aaron and watched t.v.
ME: Saturday night?
TURNER: Stayed at home with Aaron and watched t.v.
ME: Sunday afternoon?
TURNER: Went to Aaron's niece's birthday party.
ME: Gentlemen, we have a hermit.
SCOOTER: The niece's birthday party is the red flag. Once you're going to niece's birthday parties, it's all over.
ME: Plus, I've written on your wall and you deleted it!
TURNER: Aaron got mad.
ME: Because I left a smiley face on your wall?
TURNER: He thought it was flirty.
ME: IT WAS A SMILEY FACE!
BRIAN: Smiley faces are kind of flirty.
ME: Are you kidding me?
TURNER: It's because he knows we dated for a little while.
ME: So he's uncomfortable with anyone you ever dated communicating with you in a way that isn't monastic?
SCOOTER: Good word.
ME: Ninjawords.com.
SCOOTER: Noted.
TURNER: He just has a problem with people I've had relations with staying friends with me.
BRIAN: So basically, the entire state?
TURNER: Shut up! You've dated more people than me.
ME: He is aware we--
TURNER: --Live in Rhode Island. Yes, and he doesn't care. It makes him uneasy.
ME: But it was just a smiley face!
TURNER: He thinks it means you want to sleep with me. He thinks every gay man wants to sleep with me.
ME: That's ridiculous.
SCOOTER: I want to sleep with him.
ME: The exception that proves the point.
It was then I realized I was out of grilled chicken and needed to wrap this up.
ME: Look, I'll write on your wall more if it'll make you feel better. That way when you log on you can see a cute little number at the bottom corner of your screen that means people love you and are interested in declaring it for the world to see.
BRIAN: I'll do it too.
SCOOTER: I'll just post a bunch of smiley faces.
TURNER: Thank you.
ME: And one more thing, when we all get old and before we ship Scooter off on his ice patch, can we all still do lunch once in awhile? Irregardless of relationships and market value?
BRIAN: Sure.
TURNER: Absolutely.
SCOOTER: I'm TBD at this point.
BRIAN: I think you HAVE TBD at this point.
It's a wonder I never stay for dessert.
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