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If You're Going to Drive in Front of Me

If you're going to drive in front of me, please keep in mind the following:

If we're driving a one-lane road, and I'm on your ass, then you need to either A) Go faster or B) Pull to the side and get out of my way. There's no such thing as tailgating. There is such a thing as driving too slow. Some of us have places to be and didn't retire in 1955, yet still feel the desire to drive in afternoon traffic everyday just for the fun of it.

If we're driving on the highway, there should be no braking. There is NO BRAKING ON THE HIGHWAY, especially if you're in the fast lane. The fast lane means you have to go faster than everyone behind you, or you have to move to the slow lane. There is no compromise with this rule. If you try to break it, I will beep at you until you assume I'm a nutjob with a rifle in my backseat and you get out of my way.

On-looker traffic is a misnomer. From henceforth, it shall be called Douchebag Traffic. A ten-minute back-up on 95 North because somebody people wanted to watch somebody get pulled over should not have a nice name like On-looker traffic that insinuates there's nothing wrong with it. Start calling it Douchebag traffic and maybe people will feel bad and stop doing it.

There's a great quote about Rhode Islanders driving--"We don't care when we get anywhere; we just don't want anybody to get there before us."

So basically, we're assholes.

If you're going to drive in front of me, and you decide to go left at a red light, move as far to the left as you can, because the one nice thing about this state is that we're allowed to make a right on red lights. That means I can go, even if you can't. So don't block the entire road so that I have to sit there because you have to go left. Likewise, if there's a turn OR go straight lane, and then a regular straight lane, and you're in the turn OR go straight lane, you'd better be turning. Those lanes are ridiculous. Why have an optional lane? And why use it to go straight? It's preposterous.

If you cross in front of me just as my light turns green, you're getting run over. Try to find twelve people that will convict me. I had a green light, I had things to do, we find the defendant innocent.

That's all.

On a final note, if you're going to drive in front of me, and you have nowhere to be, and it's eight o'clock in the morning, drive home and go back to bed like a normal person.

Thank you.

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