This Can't Be Broccoli

-- At a casting call for "Catty Bitchy Queens" -- The Jeremy Auditions ACTOR: So I see Jeremy as being sort of a wimp. ME: Um...I wouldn't say wimp... ACTOR: Are you kidding? His whole thing is wah wah wah nobody loves me. ME: He's a hopeless romantic. ACTOR: Oh, he's definitely hopeless. ME: But sweet. ACTOR: Sappy. ME: Kind. ACTOR: Naive. ME: Asshole. ACTOR: I wouldn't say he's an asshole. ME: No, I was referring to you. The Davis Auditions ACTOR: Is he based on a real guy? ME: No, not really. ACTOR: It's me, isn't it? ME: Pardon me? ACTOR: You don't remember, but we met once a few years ago. ME: So you think I forgot you but right before I did I based a major character in my blog on you? ACTOR: So you agree with me? The Ben Auditions ACTOR: I would LOVE to play this character. He's so misunderstood. ME: No, he's really not. ACTOR: Well, I mean, he comes across as being a jerk-- ME: No, he's JUST a jerk....

I have a secret. I don't like hearing about people's dreams. To clarify, I don't mean "aspirations" or "hopes." I mean those crazy dreams people have that they then need to dissect with others. "So the other night, I had this dream--" The minute I hear a sentence begin with that, I cringe. I don't know why. There's no childhood memory or psychological explanation for why I should have an aversion to listening to people's dreams. I just can't bear to hear about them. Oh don't get me wrong, I listen. I tell myself that it's ridiculous to feel so uncomfortable just by listening to someone talk about their dreams. "...and there was a monkey, and it was pointing at me..." This is usually when I'm pinching myself to try and create pain so as to distract myself from how awkward I feel. Maybe it's because of how personal the whole thing seems. Dreams can be a window into someone's soul, and often times...

I'll tell you why I admire J.D. Salinger. He wrote well, and when he was done, he stopped. He didn't seek fame. In fact, he avoided it. Today when I heard he died, I wondered how many celebrities would actually question their lives. Here's a man who made his life about his work, and did everything he could to get out of his own way. Now, as a celebrity, you sell yourself and your work is an accessory. As a writer, he made his work count. Determining how far Holden Caulfield's reach is in today's culture is almost impossible. Salinger created a character that didn't just define his generation, but changed what it meant to be young as it was defining it. I hope celebrities look at Salinger as someone who died as he lived, on his own terms--making sure his art was front and center. “An artist's only concern is to shoot for some kind of perfection, and on his own terms, not anyone else's.”

GQ published a list of the Seven Style Mistakes that everyone makes--and by everyone, they apparently meant me. (I had a feeling those editors were reading my college journal, and now there's proof!) http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=1 The first error in fashion in judgment is the schlumpy leather jacket. First of all, I wasn't aware that schlumpy had officially made it into the dictionary, but I'm glad it has. Now I have one more word to describe my wardrobe. "Depressing" and "impoverished" were getting a little old. I knew this list was off to a bad start with me when I looked at the first picture and thought--Gee, he doesn't look THAT bad. I mean, they put him in khakis. Of course that looks stupid. The Fonz never wore khakis! http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200909/how-to-fix-style-mistakes-dad-jeans-slideshow#slide=2 This is the improvement? They moved him up from "tool" to...

I've been reading a lot about the upcoming government spending freezes. It's tricky to figure out exactly who will be affected, but odds are, nobody's getting out unscathed. The media is quick to assure everyone that education will not be touched, but in cities in towns where parks or other areas are having their spending slashed; it's not unusual to think that officials may pull from other, bigger budgets--like education--to make up the difference. I realize that's not how things are SUPPOSED to work, but as often happens in cities in towns that fly under the radar, officials do what they like with government money. Also, I understand the confusion people feel about a spending freeze when one of the first major moves of Obama's presidency was a stimulus package. I understand that the freeze is meant curb unnecessary government spending, but it's hard to argue that after handing out welcome yet seemingly unnecessary stimulus money. Most of the people that ...

-- Critics rarely review a one-night run of anything, but luckily my Mom and Grandma don't discriminate. Here are some of their thoughts on "You're Just in Love." -- On "Vivian Leaves a Voicemail" MOM: That was me. GRANDMA: It was funny. MOM: That was all me, and I didn't approve. GRANDMA: It was very funny. MOM: I'm never leaving you a voicemail again. GRANDMA: I liked the shawl that girl was wearing. So pretty. MOM: Everything I say now you're going to put into a show. I just know it. GRANDMA: Do you know where she got that shawl? On "When the Summer Loved the Winter" MOM: He was tall! GRANDMA: He was so tall. MOM: Kissed his wife at the end. GRANDMA: Went right into the audience and kissed her. MOM: What a nice man. GRANDMA: And so tall! On "Conversational Italian" MOM: That poor boy. GRANDMA: His wife left him. MOM: He was too young to be married anyway. GRANDMA: Why would you leave that nice boy? MO...

What is your favorite word? Take-Out What is your least favorite word? Non-Fat What turns you on? Cheese Fries What turns you off? Those things that grow in the ground that farmers plant that don't taste ice cream What sound or noise do you love? A lid being peeled off a pudding container What sound or noise do you hate? The crunch of the last potato chip as I bite down on it, thereby ending my night What is your favorite curse word? Skim Milk! What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I would have liked to have been a jam taster at a jam factory somewhere. What profession would you not like to do? Whatever it is that Marie Osmond does. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? The buffet's thataway.

I recently posted an article on Salon.com insinuating (okay, outright stating) that everyone on the site was old. The title was meant to grab some attention (which it did) but it also posed a question that I very much wanted answered. I received a lot of comments, but none of them answered my question. Most people were just putting down a quick quip or ignoring what I was saying entirely so they could state a completely different point. Last night I was looking on another website where an article had been posted about an athlete's bad behavior. Of the hundreds of people who commented on the article, I could only find about ten people who actually responded to the topic of the article. Some people weren't even discussing anything related to the athlete or to sports itself. These weren't spammers either. These were (seemingly sane) people who took the time to read an article (I'm assuming) and then write something completely off-topic. This brings me to my point: Wou...

I couldn't make it to Milan this year. You know how that is--you're behind on your oil change, you forget to buy suede pants, those bake sale cookies never get made, and the next thing you know, you missed the Fall/Winter collections. "NOT AGAIN!" I screamed from a rooftop somewhere--maybe it was a parking garage; I can't remember. Luckily, Details Magazine got me all the...well...deets from this year's show. http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everything-you-need-to-know-about-milan-fashion-week#slide=1 Dolce and Gabbana have decided to bring emotion back to fashion with bright, vibrant...gray. Lots and lots of gray. You can wear this look in three different places, and you'll still manage to look strange in all of them. Delivering newspapers. 3rd grade slumber party. Early 90's Night at a local hipster club. Never has fashion been so universal in its reach. http://www.details.com/style-advice/perfect-wardrobe/201001/everythin...

I've noticed a trend on Open Salon. Someone will post something like this: "Kids have no respect these days." or "Reality television is stupid!" --and they will receive a hundred comments from people telling them how right they are. Now, I'm not going to argue about whether or not teenagers have any respect or agree with the fact that reality tv is stupid, because to me, that all seems like old news. It's pointless to point it out...isn't it? I just read a post where an OS writer lamented about celebrities who shouldn't be celebrities, the CW, and the price of gas. Oh, and he complained about kids leaving footballs on his lawn. (Okay, that last one was a joke, but I wouldn't have been surprised to see it in his post.) I will say one thing about the generation gap--it seems to separate those who don't mind hearing what they think in their head repeated to them over and over again as opposed to those of who, well, don't. My Mom love...

I just finished Arthur Laurents' book "Mainly on Directing" tonight, and it was a fantastic read. Forget that the man talks more trash in the first four pages than I have in my entire life; the real reason to read the book is because he has a great take on what makes musicals work and subsequently what makes them fail. What I appreciated more than anything was his emphasis on how important it is for musical directors to respect the text that they're working with, and to explore the text as much so as if they were doing a play. Over and over again in the book, he emphasizes that a good musical has to have strong singing and dancing, but that a great musical has to have acting behind it as well. To have a legend like Arthur Laurents write that strong acting is what he feels is lacking in most musicals today felt very vindicating to me. So often I've heard people put acting at the bottom of the totem pole. "If you can sing and dance; acting is a bonus." If...

A few days ago, I asked people to talk about who they love and why in a post called "Somebody to Love." If asked who I love, there are a lot of answers I could give. Still, there's one person who has taken a lot of flack from me in the blogosphere, and so I think I need to rectify that in some way by stating the following: I love my Mom. From the day I was born, she's always tried to do whatever she could to make sure I had a better life. She left my Dad, the love of her life, because she knew he wasn't ready to be a good father or a good husband. She went to work--and every time I hear stay-at-home moms criticize working mothers, I feel like telling them that my mother showed me more about how much she loved me by working than she ever could have by marrying some rich jerk and baking cookies four times a day. She taught me about the value of hard work, and sacrifice, and most of all, she taught me that sometimes you have to suck it up and do what you have to do ...

How would you describe President Obama's first year in office? I kept trying to find a word that summed it up without sounding overly negative or overly naive. Has it been a good year? No, not really. Has it been Obama's fault? I don't think so. I do think a lot of the trouble was inherited. That being said, Obama ran on a ticket of promises. Even though I voted for him, I was always more of a Hillary guy. I felt like her campaign was based more on pragmatism and less on rhetoric. So I guess the question would be, did Obama live up to the rhetoric? Honestly, no. I don't feel he did. Then again, he has three years left to do it. Many people will mention that Clinton didn't get a lot accomplished in his first year either, and Bush didn't really have a chance to get anything done before 9/11 changed the game forever. So how do you sum up a first year? When it ends with a Senate seat that has been held for nearly half a century by a Democrat being turned over ...

First some good news-- The Supporting Actor/Actress races went to the right people. Chloe Sevigny became the first performer from Big Love to win ANYTHING. Up in the Air won Best Screenplay. Now let's look at the nonsense. I enjoy Sandra Bullock, but you cannot tell me with a straight face that she deserved to win Best Actress in a Drama over the other actresses in her category. That win was just an acknowledgment of her box office success this year, and that is not something that gets rewarded with anything other than cash. And can someone explain to me how (500) Days of Summer and Joseph Gordon-Levitt got shut out in favor of The Hangover and Robert Downey Jr.? Finally, we come to Best Picture, where they gave the award to Avatar--a giant video game without the controllers. I know that the Globes can be a bit of a joke at times, but in recent years they've done well with rewarding quality performances. I didn't even mind last year when Kate Winslet went home with two awa...

I just finished my fourth book of the new year--"Summertime" by J.M. Coetzee. I've seen his books in the library all the time, and they always looked interesting, but I let the fact that I'd never heard anything about him stop me from actually reading anything by him. Now I realize how foolish that was. He's a fantastic author with spectacular ideas. "Summertime" is a biography of him (Coetzee) after his death, in which a biographer interviews people from his life who proceed to talk shit about him and criticize his work. It's a brave book, but it's also funny and thought-provoking. My favorite line--which I'm paraphrasing--is as follows: "Writers should fall in love with other writers. Then they can spend all day making love to their ideas of each other." That sentence was worth the time it took to read the whole book. A quicker, but just as interesting, read is the latest in the series of PostSecret books: PostSecret--Confess...

I once wrote a note asking people to write something they'd like to say to someone, but can't. As you can imagine, there was a lot of not-so-nice stuff posted there. So I'd like to switch it up. Tell me somebody you love, and why. If you like, you can repost the note and tag that person in it, or not. It's up to you. I think we could all use a little bit of love. Segue into promo-- Come check out "You're Just In Love" at 2nd Story Theater in Warren, RI on Sunday, January 24th at 7pm.

Have you ever one of those days when every one of your friends was texting you with some sort of problem? Neither have I. My friends and I all wait until grilled chicken is in front of us at the NC before we spill our problems to each other. SCOOTER: I have a hypotheses. ME: You mean a hypothetical question? SCOOTER: Yeah that. BRIAN: Let's hear it. TURNER: Should I put on the lab goggles? Scooter rarely ever talks about boy trouble, because he likes us to believe that his sexual prowess prevents any boy from ever getting the best of him. So that meant this admission was going to be GOOD. SCOOTER: I lost a fuck buddy. BRIAN: You forgot to latch the cage door again? ME: Brian! BRIAN: Sorry--back to supportive. It turns out one of Scooter's very special pen pals was set up on a date the previous weekend. TURNER: Well, Scooter, it's not like you and he have any sort of commitment. SCOOTER: I know, but the date doesn't make sense! BRIAN: Scooter, I know we haven...

After figuring out that I have no clue how to dress, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I've also been treating my face like a dishrag all these years. Luckily, GQ came along just in time with ten tips to put my best face forward. http://www.gq.com/how-to/groom/201001/how-to-get-a-better-shave-smooth-skin#slide=1 Tip #1: Shave in the Shower GQ, I shower in the morning. That means I'm barely awake. That means the last thing you want to give me is a razor. I may get a cleaner shave, but I may also be missing an ear by the time I'm done. Tip #2: Buy a Giant Bottle of Something Called "Baxter of California." Is it just me or does that sound like something you buy in a vineyard? It looks too much like peroxide for my taste. Tip #3: Use After-Shave Apparently, the after-shave has to have a goat on the front or it's not good enough for you. Tip #4: Wear Sunscreen But it's January! Why am I wearing sunscreen in January? Or is this specifically f...

In just one weekend, Harry Reid watched his name become a lightning rod. The Democratic Senator from Nevada is being taken to task for making racially insensitive remarks about President Obama. The problem? The only people taking him anywhere are the Republicans. John McCain came out against Reid--saying that it was a double standard to allow Reid to make these statements, because if a Republican had made them, Democrats would be calling for their resignation. I agree with McCain. I'm not a fan of the Republican party, but I believe that a bigger problem in Congress are the Democrats who take on that political affiliation to win elections when in reality they go against all of the party's values. Senator Reid is clearly one of those people. I am absolutely appalled that President Obama and the other Democrats in Congress have not asked him to step down. I'm aware that he holds a powerful position in Congress, but have they considered how it looks to have a person in power ...

GQ thinks I should listen to Gianluca Isaia, presumably because he's Italian and clearly very wealthy. (Poor people are never named Gianluca.) So they're letting me gaze into his twisted mind to hear his rules of style. I figured, what the hell? If anyone knows the meaning of life, it's a guy with a last name I can't pronounce. Teach me, Strega Nona. 1. A few years ago, guys had to identify their style as either fashiony or traditional. Those somewhere in the middle were considered indecisive. Now if you're in the middle, you can take the best from both worlds and create something new. For me, it's handmade Neapolitan tailoring with a modern cut. Handmade Neapolitan tailoring with a modern cut is considered the middle? I got lost somewhere in indecisive, because I have no idea what he's talking about. Maybe it's because I don't speak Wealthy Italian. 2. There's an old saying: "Wait on the shore of the river and you will see the body of ...

Jay Leno recently went on a tirade about NBC saying that "the trust between them was broken" and "Fox is looking really good these days." This all came before NBC cancelled Leno's Primetime Disaster and contemplated moving him to 11:30pm--thereby giving him a half hour slot before Conan comes on with The Tonight Show at midnight. Let's set aside the fact that NBC is willing to dissect The Tonight Show like that simply to keep Jay Leno happy. Instead, let's once again marvel at what an idiot Jay Leno is. How in the world can he blame NBC for what a nightmare his show has turned out to be? NBC did everything but show up at people's houses at 10pm to turn their sets to Leno. They put all their faith behind him and he couldn't deliver, because, quite simply, he was resting on the laurels of The Tonight Show all these years--and the fact that people like routine. They watched him because they'd been watching him. That's all. If it's true ...

Hello Note Readers, I have a proposition for you. Wait, don't run. I'm working on a piece about God, and I'd like to incorporate the ideas of people other than mine. Since I know it can be tricky to talk about God without going into an eight page report, I'm going to give you a nice easy boundary. I want God in a Twitter message. That means 140 characters. Now, I'm not going to give you any approach here. You can write a quote, a few sentences, a list of words, a haiku--anything you want, but it has to be 140 characters. (Okay, maybe I'll be a little more lenient than Twitter, but not by much.) Also, don't feel the need to make it clever, poignant, or overly religious. It CAN be any of those things, but it doesn't have to be. Just speak honestly about what comes to your mind when you hear God. If you don't believe in God write about that. Okay... Go!

-- Kevin Martin asked, and now ye all shall receive. -- "Men in Skirts" Where, where, where to begin. How about here? http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/h-m-s-new-collection-features-skirts-for-men-547911/#photoViewer=1 You know, if you cut off his head, I would have guessed this was Winona Ryder circa 1995. http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/h-m-s-new-collection-features-skirts-for-men-547911/#photoViewer=2 Holy Dolly Parton, when would this ever be okay? And what is the model thinking at this moment? "Okay, just hum 'Achy Breaky Heart'..." http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/h-m-s-new-collection-features-skirts-for-men-547911/#photoViewer=3 This isn't an outfit. This is a pimp's bedspread. http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/h-m-s-new-collection-features-skirts-for-men-547911/#photoViewer=4 Scarf is to Outfit, as Malignant Tumor is to Human Body. And the sandals--it's just too much sass for me. I'm going to have to hit the sass...

I've always had an aversion to people who use the term "drama" in a negative light. Obviously, "drama" isn't a good thing when it's not referring to the theater, but haven't you noticed that everybody who says they don't want "drama" in their lives are usually the people who seem to thrive on it the most? Lindsey Lohan said that 2010 was going to be a year of "nobody creating drama for her." Hmm...I find it hard to believe that anybody other than Lindsay Lohan is responsible for Lindsay Lohan's drama. When I was in school, I often felt that people used the term "drama" interchangeably with the word "busted." As in, someone calls you out on your nonsense, and you say-- "Ugh, DRAMA!" It seemed like people used "drama" as a way to stop conversation about whatever it was that they had done wrong. "Hey Kev, did you steal that girl's car then run over her boyfriend with it?" ...

After Details, GQ, and Tom Ford struck out with me, I decided to give Overcompensation Magazine a try--in other words, Esquire. Esquire is for frat boys who can read--in other words, invisible people, or gay guys who like reading stuff that they think will let them into the minds of closeted jocks so they can then seduce them at bachelor parties by talking about which chicks are hot and where to get a good martini. Who better to teach me how to dress? Here are the ten style resolutions Esquire thinks I need to make-- http://www.esquire.com/style/merchandise/mens-fashion-trends-2010-0110 Pants are in--who knew? 12 Shades seems like a bit much though. I've already dismissed white denim--do I really want to entertain the idea of aqua khakis? http://www.esquire.com/style/merchandise/mens-fashion-trends-2010-0110 The word "restock" for me isn't really appropriate. My closet is to style what a bachelor's cupboard is to the culinary arts. In other words, I've got ...

While I was jumping around the Details website, I found a piece too good to resist commenting on-- "Rules of Style from Tom Ford" These rules may very well comprise the meaning of life. Let's sit and listen by the fireplace as Uncle Tom weaves a tail of sexual promiscuity and hourglass figures. 1. I don’t believe in playing around much with suit cuts. I like a fairly classic shape that gives a man strong shoulders, a fitted waist, and long legs. Classic simplicity always works. I actually like my men to have tiny shoulders, a waist the size of a kiddie pool, and coffee table stubs. I love that Tom doesn't say "If you don't fit this description, you're ugly." Instead he just says you're not classically simple. Apparently eighty percent of the population is contemporarily complicated. 2. Someone who is secure enough to be very present when relating to another person is sexy. In other words, a good listener always lands who he wants. I personal...

After GQ failed to teach me how to dress, I decided to pop over to Details Magazine, where I found this list of style rules that the good people at Closet Case Monthly (I mean, Details Magazine) feel I need to know. http://www.details.com/style-advice/rules-of-style/200912/details-2009-best-rules-of-style#slide=1 Now, what constitutes being buttoned down? I've always thought that as long as it was impossible to yank the shirt and see nipple, you were okay. I agree that plunging necklines tend to look better on Oscar gowns, but a part of me is always curious as to who can take their neckline down the furthest without it simply being a shirt split in half. So far, I haven't seen anybody hit navel, but I'm hoping 2010 will be the year it happens. http://www.details.com/style-advice/rules-of-style/200912/details-2009-best-rules-of-style#slide=2 Let serial killers dress you. (These guys are serial killers, right? I'm not imagining that the looks on their faces mean they j...

Entertainment Weekly published an article this week about the death of the soap opera. It's gotten so bad that even One Life to Live may be on the chopping block. This is unacceptable to me. Canceling those overrated CBS soaps is one thing, but when they come after Viki Lord (Gordon) Riley Burke Riley Buchanan Buchanan Carpenter Davidson Banks, they've gone too far. So I'm here to help. Here are some tips I think can help bring the soap operas back to life--with or without evil twins. 1) Get Rid of the Bimbo's I was watching General Hospital the other day wondering how much they had to pay James Franco to get him to do the show, when I had to turn off the television because Kirsten Storms, who plays Maxie, is perhaps the worst actress I have ever seen and/or heard in my life. Why are soap operas always casting attractive women if they want more younger women to watch? Why would young women want to spend five hours every week watching morons with fake boobs turn in po...

This month in GQ, Matthew Goode models the 10 Best Looks for the Season. I decide to take a look and see if I can update my wardrobe and be a little more fashion savvy. Let's begin-- http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201001/spring-preview-2010-matthew-goode-single-man-tom-ford-slideshow#slide=1 The first look is plaid--a pattern I know all too well. Most of my plaids make me look like a time traveler that smells like teen spirit gone wrong, but guess what? GQ says I can be saved! I just have to buy the shirt for $250 and the pants for $100. $350 to look like the sax player who might have his eye on the bartender. It's also important to find a cap and look like you're about to toss it in the air a la Mary Tyler Moore opening credits. http://www.gq.com/style/wear-it-now/201001/spring-preview-2010-matthew-goode-single-man-tom-ford-slideshow#slide=2 Next up we have a "cooler" baseball jacket. That's the term--"cooler." GQ says put away the big, ...

First, read this: http://www.tcg.org/publications/at/jan10/shakespeare.cfm Initially, going into an article about translating Shakespeare into modern English made me think that I was going to end up writing what I'm writing now--an article about an article about an idiot wanting to update Shakespeare. I have to say, however, that I feel this gentleman makes some great points. Shakespeare's language has been revered and untouched, whereas many other playwrights are fair game simply because they were written in another language. We think nothing of letting an established playwright like David Mamet take on Chekhov, but if someone were to suggest letting Tom Stoppard take a crack at 'Twelfth Night,' we'd be appalled. I think it's very interesting that he says other countries get to enjoy Shakespeare more than we do, because it's considered appropriate to adapt his work there as well as translate it. Old English is not modern English. I don't think we shou...