I was having lunch with the boys, and Brian had a strange request.
BRIAN: I want you all to defriend Robert Richardson.
Robert Richardson was a friend of Brian's ex, Alex, who had moved to Delaware about two years ago.
To be honest, I think I talked to the guy once, so I didn't have a huge problem with defriending him, but I wasn't about to just do it without asking--
ME: Why?
BRIAN: Because Alex is having all of his friends defriend me.
TURNER: Real mature.
BRIAN: I know! So now I want you guys to defriend him and all his friends.
SCOOTER: No way! Some of those guys are hot!
I could see this wasn't going to be as cut and dry as Brian had hoped.
ME: Brian, how do you know those people are defriending you because of Alex?
BRIAN: Why else would they defriend me? The few times I talked to Rob we had perfectly pleasant conversation.
ME: Maybe Rob no longer feels that's worthy of keeping someone on your friends list TWO YEARS after you last saw them!
BRIAN: Yet, he has ALL OF YOU still on his friends' list.
TURNER: Good point.
BRIAN: So I want you to defriend him, Alex, and all of Alex's friends.
TURNER: And then what? All of Alex's friends' friends?
BRIAN: Just the ones who have defriended me.
Have you seen my Facebook lately? This was the sort of project that would take an entire Top Chef marathon and two blocks of cheese.
ME: Brian, why do you want us to sink to Rob's level?
TURNER: Assuming he's sunk. He may not have sunk.
BRIAN: Believe me, he sunk. He's a big sinker.
SCOOTER: He's a hot sinker, that's what he is.
BRIAN: So you're not going to defriend him because he's hot?
SCOOTER: I'm not going to defriend him because I don't have a reason to!
BRIAN: Your best friend being defriended by him isn't a good enough reason?
ME: First of all, you're not his best friend; I am. I've had to watch him eat pulled pork. That makes me the best friend automatically. Second of all, if it'll make you feel better, I'll defriend Robert Richardson.
BRIAN: Thank you, Kevin. You're a true friend.
ME: Of course, he's NEVER going to notice that, but if it'll make you feel better--
Turner was smiling.
ME: Why are you smiling?
TURNER: Because you're not going to defriend Rob.
ME: Why do you say that?
TURNER: Because he just posted a status today about a new play festival he's doing. He's taking submissions starting tomorrow.
SCOOTER: Oh right! That festival is supposed to be a big deal.
I looked at Brian.
ME: Uh...
BRIAN: YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE!
ME: Brian, it's not like I like him, but if defriending him means burning a bridge--
BRIAN: You LOVE burning bridges! You burn a bridge a day! It's like eating breakfast for you!
ME: I know! And I need to stop that!
BRIAN: Starting with Rob Richardson?
ME: YES! Starting with Rob Richardson!
Brian stood up.
BRIAN: You know what this means?
SCOOTER: That Kevin's keeping Rob as a friend for nothing because he's never getting chosen for that festival.
ME: Should I tell everyone what you did AFTER you ate the pulled pork?
SCOOTER: Oh look, my plate.
BRIAN: This means Alex has better friends than I do.
TURNER: Oh, now wait a minute--
BRIAN: His friends have completely shunned me. They won't talk to me. They won't acknowledge my presence. And it wouldn't be so bad aside from the fact that what they'll do for Alex, my friends won't do for me.
SCOOTER: Have you ever considered that maybe they never liked you in the first place?
There was a silence. Brian sat down.
ME: That was a really fantastic time to say that, Scooter.
SCOOTER: Oh, come on--
ME: Have you ever thought about going into suicide prevention?
TURNER: Brian, they're jerks. They're ALL jerks.
BRIAN: Then why won't you DEFRIEND THEM?
TURNER: FINE! FINE! FINE! I'll defriend them. I'll defriend them all. Then I'll send messages to them letting them know I've defriended them. Then I'll block them. Then I'll readd them just to block them again. Then I'll add them again, put up a status saying I think they're a bunch of tools, and then I'll defriend them again. Would that make you happy?
. . . . .
BRIAN: You really think they'd readd you that many times?
You think he's bad now?
You should have seen him during the break-up.
BRIAN: I want you all to defriend Robert Richardson.
Robert Richardson was a friend of Brian's ex, Alex, who had moved to Delaware about two years ago.
To be honest, I think I talked to the guy once, so I didn't have a huge problem with defriending him, but I wasn't about to just do it without asking--
ME: Why?
BRIAN: Because Alex is having all of his friends defriend me.
TURNER: Real mature.
BRIAN: I know! So now I want you guys to defriend him and all his friends.
SCOOTER: No way! Some of those guys are hot!
I could see this wasn't going to be as cut and dry as Brian had hoped.
ME: Brian, how do you know those people are defriending you because of Alex?
BRIAN: Why else would they defriend me? The few times I talked to Rob we had perfectly pleasant conversation.
ME: Maybe Rob no longer feels that's worthy of keeping someone on your friends list TWO YEARS after you last saw them!
BRIAN: Yet, he has ALL OF YOU still on his friends' list.
TURNER: Good point.
BRIAN: So I want you to defriend him, Alex, and all of Alex's friends.
TURNER: And then what? All of Alex's friends' friends?
BRIAN: Just the ones who have defriended me.
Have you seen my Facebook lately? This was the sort of project that would take an entire Top Chef marathon and two blocks of cheese.
ME: Brian, why do you want us to sink to Rob's level?
TURNER: Assuming he's sunk. He may not have sunk.
BRIAN: Believe me, he sunk. He's a big sinker.
SCOOTER: He's a hot sinker, that's what he is.
BRIAN: So you're not going to defriend him because he's hot?
SCOOTER: I'm not going to defriend him because I don't have a reason to!
BRIAN: Your best friend being defriended by him isn't a good enough reason?
ME: First of all, you're not his best friend; I am. I've had to watch him eat pulled pork. That makes me the best friend automatically. Second of all, if it'll make you feel better, I'll defriend Robert Richardson.
BRIAN: Thank you, Kevin. You're a true friend.
ME: Of course, he's NEVER going to notice that, but if it'll make you feel better--
Turner was smiling.
ME: Why are you smiling?
TURNER: Because you're not going to defriend Rob.
ME: Why do you say that?
TURNER: Because he just posted a status today about a new play festival he's doing. He's taking submissions starting tomorrow.
SCOOTER: Oh right! That festival is supposed to be a big deal.
I looked at Brian.
ME: Uh...
BRIAN: YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE!
ME: Brian, it's not like I like him, but if defriending him means burning a bridge--
BRIAN: You LOVE burning bridges! You burn a bridge a day! It's like eating breakfast for you!
ME: I know! And I need to stop that!
BRIAN: Starting with Rob Richardson?
ME: YES! Starting with Rob Richardson!
Brian stood up.
BRIAN: You know what this means?
SCOOTER: That Kevin's keeping Rob as a friend for nothing because he's never getting chosen for that festival.
ME: Should I tell everyone what you did AFTER you ate the pulled pork?
SCOOTER: Oh look, my plate.
BRIAN: This means Alex has better friends than I do.
TURNER: Oh, now wait a minute--
BRIAN: His friends have completely shunned me. They won't talk to me. They won't acknowledge my presence. And it wouldn't be so bad aside from the fact that what they'll do for Alex, my friends won't do for me.
SCOOTER: Have you ever considered that maybe they never liked you in the first place?
There was a silence. Brian sat down.
ME: That was a really fantastic time to say that, Scooter.
SCOOTER: Oh, come on--
ME: Have you ever thought about going into suicide prevention?
TURNER: Brian, they're jerks. They're ALL jerks.
BRIAN: Then why won't you DEFRIEND THEM?
TURNER: FINE! FINE! FINE! I'll defriend them. I'll defriend them all. Then I'll send messages to them letting them know I've defriended them. Then I'll block them. Then I'll readd them just to block them again. Then I'll add them again, put up a status saying I think they're a bunch of tools, and then I'll defriend them again. Would that make you happy?
. . . . .
BRIAN: You really think they'd readd you that many times?
You think he's bad now?
You should have seen him during the break-up.
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