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Lunch with the Boys: How to Make Assholes Like You in Ten Minutes or Less

I was having lunch with the boys when a dilemma came up--as always.

Brian was upset.

BRIAN: I'm really upset.

He was not invited to a dinner party.

TURNER: Who was having the dinner party?

The Biggest Asshole in Rhode Island.

SCOOTER: It wasn't me.

Sorry, the 2ND Biggest Asshole in Rhode Island.

BRIAN: Plus all his friends.

Plus, his entire asshole entourage.

ME: Brian, why would you want to hang out with them? They're idiots.
BRIAN: Reese--

(The Asshole King throwing the party.)

BRIAN: --and I had a great talk the other night.
SCOOTER: Online, right?
BRIAN: Yeah, why?
ME: Those people only talk to anybody online. God forbid they're seen socializing with someone outside their circle in public.
BRIAN: What circle are you talking about? There's no circle.
TURNER: The circle of drunken gay sluts.
ME: And the men who love them.

Brian is usually a lot more street savvy, but when it comes to people liking him, he likes to believe the best.

Poor schmuck.

BRIAN: Well, why wouldn't that 'circle' want me at their dinner party?
ME: Probably because you're nothing like them.
TURNER: Which is a good thing.
BRIAN: Not like them how?
ME: You don't do The Stare.
BRIAN: What's The Stare?
SCOOTER: When a group of guys go out together, and they spend all night not talking--
ME: --Just staring at people.
TURNER: I remember when I dated that guy from Brown. All his friends did The Stare. And you could NOT break The Stare. They were all about The Stare.

I once saw someone do The Stare so hard they blew up half a bar in Dorchester...

...Okay, maybe not.

BRIAN: So I don't do The Stare, so what?
SCOOTER: You don't have a boring job either.
BRIAN: That's a prereq?
SCOOTER: You haven't noticed that the sluttier a gay guy, the more boring his job is. It's a very accurate way of measuring how big of a skank you're dealing with, Bri Bri.
TURNER: You guys know Half-Naked Kyle who's always--
ME: Half-naked?
TURNER: Right. He does medical billing.
SCOOTER: Blowjob Billy works at a consulting firm.
ME: Um, guys, I work at a library.

Silence

ME: But, I mean, it's a really happening library.
TURNER, SCOOTER: Yeah, totally. Absolutely.

Brian was only getting more frustrated.

BRIAN: This is so stupid.
TURNER: You also have to drink more. Most of those guys are alcoholics.
SCOOTER: Plus they got to Boston at least twice a week.
ME: And P-Town once a month.
TURNER: Even during the off-season.

Now we were on a roll.

TURNER: No smiling.
SCOOTER: Cluster when you go out.
TURNER: He's going to need a cluster group.
ME: I have sensitive skin so I'm out.
SCOOTER: Oh, and you need to make out with all your friends.

. . . . .

BRIAN: Maybe I shouldn't bother trying to get these people to like me. I mean, whatever.
ME: Now you sound like the jaded Brian we know and love.
BRIAN: Besides, it's not like everyone got invited to that stupid Fake Costume party.
SCOOTER: Wait--the Fake Costume Party?
BRIAN: Yeah.
SCOOTER: I got invited to that!

I took that moment to move Brian's knife as far away from him as possible.

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