I was having lunch with the boys when a dilemma came up--as always.
Brian was upset.
BRIAN: I'm really upset.
He was not invited to a dinner party.
TURNER: Who was having the dinner party?
The Biggest Asshole in Rhode Island.
SCOOTER: It wasn't me.
Sorry, the 2ND Biggest Asshole in Rhode Island.
BRIAN: Plus all his friends.
Plus, his entire asshole entourage.
ME: Brian, why would you want to hang out with them? They're idiots.
BRIAN: Reese--
(The Asshole King throwing the party.)
BRIAN: --and I had a great talk the other night.
SCOOTER: Online, right?
BRIAN: Yeah, why?
ME: Those people only talk to anybody online. God forbid they're seen socializing with someone outside their circle in public.
BRIAN: What circle are you talking about? There's no circle.
TURNER: The circle of drunken gay sluts.
ME: And the men who love them.
Brian is usually a lot more street savvy, but when it comes to people liking him, he likes to believe the best.
Poor schmuck.
BRIAN: Well, why wouldn't that 'circle' want me at their dinner party?
ME: Probably because you're nothing like them.
TURNER: Which is a good thing.
BRIAN: Not like them how?
ME: You don't do The Stare.
BRIAN: What's The Stare?
SCOOTER: When a group of guys go out together, and they spend all night not talking--
ME: --Just staring at people.
TURNER: I remember when I dated that guy from Brown. All his friends did The Stare. And you could NOT break The Stare. They were all about The Stare.
I once saw someone do The Stare so hard they blew up half a bar in Dorchester...
...Okay, maybe not.
BRIAN: So I don't do The Stare, so what?
SCOOTER: You don't have a boring job either.
BRIAN: That's a prereq?
SCOOTER: You haven't noticed that the sluttier a gay guy, the more boring his job is. It's a very accurate way of measuring how big of a skank you're dealing with, Bri Bri.
TURNER: You guys know Half-Naked Kyle who's always--
ME: Half-naked?
TURNER: Right. He does medical billing.
SCOOTER: Blowjob Billy works at a consulting firm.
ME: Um, guys, I work at a library.
Silence
ME: But, I mean, it's a really happening library.
TURNER, SCOOTER: Yeah, totally. Absolutely.
Brian was only getting more frustrated.
BRIAN: This is so stupid.
TURNER: You also have to drink more. Most of those guys are alcoholics.
SCOOTER: Plus they got to Boston at least twice a week.
ME: And P-Town once a month.
TURNER: Even during the off-season.
Now we were on a roll.
TURNER: No smiling.
SCOOTER: Cluster when you go out.
TURNER: He's going to need a cluster group.
ME: I have sensitive skin so I'm out.
SCOOTER: Oh, and you need to make out with all your friends.
. . . . .
BRIAN: Maybe I shouldn't bother trying to get these people to like me. I mean, whatever.
ME: Now you sound like the jaded Brian we know and love.
BRIAN: Besides, it's not like everyone got invited to that stupid Fake Costume party.
SCOOTER: Wait--the Fake Costume Party?
BRIAN: Yeah.
SCOOTER: I got invited to that!
I took that moment to move Brian's knife as far away from him as possible.
Brian was upset.
BRIAN: I'm really upset.
He was not invited to a dinner party.
TURNER: Who was having the dinner party?
The Biggest Asshole in Rhode Island.
SCOOTER: It wasn't me.
Sorry, the 2ND Biggest Asshole in Rhode Island.
BRIAN: Plus all his friends.
Plus, his entire asshole entourage.
ME: Brian, why would you want to hang out with them? They're idiots.
BRIAN: Reese--
(The Asshole King throwing the party.)
BRIAN: --and I had a great talk the other night.
SCOOTER: Online, right?
BRIAN: Yeah, why?
ME: Those people only talk to anybody online. God forbid they're seen socializing with someone outside their circle in public.
BRIAN: What circle are you talking about? There's no circle.
TURNER: The circle of drunken gay sluts.
ME: And the men who love them.
Brian is usually a lot more street savvy, but when it comes to people liking him, he likes to believe the best.
Poor schmuck.
BRIAN: Well, why wouldn't that 'circle' want me at their dinner party?
ME: Probably because you're nothing like them.
TURNER: Which is a good thing.
BRIAN: Not like them how?
ME: You don't do The Stare.
BRIAN: What's The Stare?
SCOOTER: When a group of guys go out together, and they spend all night not talking--
ME: --Just staring at people.
TURNER: I remember when I dated that guy from Brown. All his friends did The Stare. And you could NOT break The Stare. They were all about The Stare.
I once saw someone do The Stare so hard they blew up half a bar in Dorchester...
...Okay, maybe not.
BRIAN: So I don't do The Stare, so what?
SCOOTER: You don't have a boring job either.
BRIAN: That's a prereq?
SCOOTER: You haven't noticed that the sluttier a gay guy, the more boring his job is. It's a very accurate way of measuring how big of a skank you're dealing with, Bri Bri.
TURNER: You guys know Half-Naked Kyle who's always--
ME: Half-naked?
TURNER: Right. He does medical billing.
SCOOTER: Blowjob Billy works at a consulting firm.
ME: Um, guys, I work at a library.
Silence
ME: But, I mean, it's a really happening library.
TURNER, SCOOTER: Yeah, totally. Absolutely.
Brian was only getting more frustrated.
BRIAN: This is so stupid.
TURNER: You also have to drink more. Most of those guys are alcoholics.
SCOOTER: Plus they got to Boston at least twice a week.
ME: And P-Town once a month.
TURNER: Even during the off-season.
Now we were on a roll.
TURNER: No smiling.
SCOOTER: Cluster when you go out.
TURNER: He's going to need a cluster group.
ME: I have sensitive skin so I'm out.
SCOOTER: Oh, and you need to make out with all your friends.
. . . . .
BRIAN: Maybe I shouldn't bother trying to get these people to like me. I mean, whatever.
ME: Now you sound like the jaded Brian we know and love.
BRIAN: Besides, it's not like everyone got invited to that stupid Fake Costume party.
SCOOTER: Wait--the Fake Costume Party?
BRIAN: Yeah.
SCOOTER: I got invited to that!
I took that moment to move Brian's knife as far away from him as possible.
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