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How to Throw a Mississippi Prom

Since the kids in Mississippi might have to throw their own prom this year, I thought I'd give them a few pointers:

Tip #1: Figure out ahead of time which drag queen you want to emcee. Do you want more camp in your evening? Do you want a queen that can do her own singing? Should she have at least four different gowns? These are all things to take into consideration. Choosing a drag queen is like choosing which of your older brothers is going to buy you booze before the big event; it requires a lot of forethought.

Tip #2: Make sure your DJ is a Darwinist, and invite him to read snippets from "Origin of the Species" in between Gaga songs. If you really want to have him mix it up, throw in a little of the Kinsey report too.

Tip #3: For the photos, make sure the background is the cover of either 'God is Not Great' by Christopher Hitchens or 'The God Delusion' by Richard Dawkins. (I'd go with Hitchens, Dawkins' cover is grey--who wants a grey background for their prom photo?)

Tip #4: Rather than have a King and Queen coronation, perform a Wiccan ceremony in the middle of the dance floor.

Tip #5: During the meal, look at the person sitting next to you. Remember that they're your neighbor. Then think about all the things they have that you'd like to have. Coveting will make your stuffed chicken taste WAY better.

Tip #6: Be a good friend. Help all your guy friends with their make-up before the prom. Guys, help the girls with their bow ties. Remember--one poorly pinned boutonniere or misapplied mascara and everyone's night could be ruined.

Tip #7: Make sure to take lots of photos for the yearbook. If you can, get a photo of the interracial couple standing in front of the Islamic Alliance. Then make sure the yearbook is prominently displayed in the school library.

Finally, remind yourself of this:

Your school may not be throwing you a prom, but sometimes the best parties are the ones you throw for yourself.

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