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My Oscar Acceptance Speech

Wow, I just...

I don't know what to say.

I had NO idea I was going to win this.

Especially considering I didn't actually make a movie this year, or last year, or ever really, unless you count that video I made freshman year where me and my friends pretended to be our teachers and got suspended for a week.

Is that what this is for?

Because if it is--it's been a long time coming.

No?

It's not?

Wow, okay.

Well, it's still an honor.

I have so many people to thank, and all of them have crazy names and share many inside jokes with me.

Pop Tart, thank you for the baked Alaska. We'll always have Samoa.
Fandango, who taught me that blue turtles aren't always skinny.
Kiki Rosenfeld, thank you for being the best Googler a boy could have.

God, this is so overwhelming.

I look good, right? Make sure that left camera is on me, not the right one.

Okay, where was I?

Princess Ding Dong, your wisdom...

God, I'm tearing up.

It might be the lights in my eyes. That might be it.

Left Camera! Left camera!

I'd like to thank the Academy. I have no idea who's in the Academy or if the Academy is just an idea, like neo-classicism or Sade, but either way, I'm a big fan.

Finally, for all those people who said I didn't deserve this because I've never made a real movie or even been on the set of one, I'd like to remind you of one thing--

Being bitter causes wrinkles.

It's, like, scientific.

Thank you all, and good night.

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