On a recent episode of The Marriage Ref, Larry David suggested there should be more in the marriage vows than just the traditional sickness and health.
I agree.
Therefore, I have expanded the vows to include the following:
"I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad..."
--And by bad times, I mean job loss, hair loss, weight gain, weight redistribution, dieting, extramarital affairs, arrests, mid-life crises, career change, sex change, and the production of children who will hate us for the first eighteen years of their lives, and possibly longer than that.
"...In sickness and in health..."
--And by sickness I mean every kind of illness known to man. Cancer, lupus, more cancer, emphysema, trichinosis, food poisoning, obesity, diabetes, ebola, malaria, and whatever else we may catch in Peru on our twentieth anniversary that will make our ears turn blue and cause our tongues to swell twice their natural size.
"I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."
--Except for the days when you irritate me, forget to do what I asked you to do, make me put up with your (mother/father/brother/other annoying, money mooching relative), lie to me, tell me the truth when I don't feel like hearing it, or develop a shopping addiction and make us go on a bad daytime talk show to discuss it.
"I, ____, take you, ____, for my lawful (husband/wife)..."
--Unless we're gay, in which case, not so much.
"...To have and to hold..."
--Except when I have headaches or you forget to brush your teeth before bed.
"...From this day forward, for better, for worse..."
--Keep in mind, worse could mean I decide to take up rock-climbing, fall off a small mountain, and have to travel around on one of those wagons that beggars use in India.
"...For richer..."
--Hardly ever.
"...For poorer..."
--Most of the time.
"...Until death do us part."
--Or divorce.
Then again, with these new vows, there might be a significant decrease in divorce.
Of course, there would also be a severe decrease in marriage.
At least everyone could say they were warned...
I agree.
Therefore, I have expanded the vows to include the following:
"I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad..."
--And by bad times, I mean job loss, hair loss, weight gain, weight redistribution, dieting, extramarital affairs, arrests, mid-life crises, career change, sex change, and the production of children who will hate us for the first eighteen years of their lives, and possibly longer than that.
"...In sickness and in health..."
--And by sickness I mean every kind of illness known to man. Cancer, lupus, more cancer, emphysema, trichinosis, food poisoning, obesity, diabetes, ebola, malaria, and whatever else we may catch in Peru on our twentieth anniversary that will make our ears turn blue and cause our tongues to swell twice their natural size.
"I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."
--Except for the days when you irritate me, forget to do what I asked you to do, make me put up with your (mother/father/brother/other annoying, money mooching relative), lie to me, tell me the truth when I don't feel like hearing it, or develop a shopping addiction and make us go on a bad daytime talk show to discuss it.
"I, ____, take you, ____, for my lawful (husband/wife)..."
--Unless we're gay, in which case, not so much.
"...To have and to hold..."
--Except when I have headaches or you forget to brush your teeth before bed.
"...From this day forward, for better, for worse..."
--Keep in mind, worse could mean I decide to take up rock-climbing, fall off a small mountain, and have to travel around on one of those wagons that beggars use in India.
"...For richer..."
--Hardly ever.
"...For poorer..."
--Most of the time.
"...Until death do us part."
--Or divorce.
Then again, with these new vows, there might be a significant decrease in divorce.
Of course, there would also be a severe decrease in marriage.
At least everyone could say they were warned...
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