We knew we had to do it before the Great Pumpkin showed up.
ME: Charlie Brown, could you sit down please?
We told C.B. that he was going to be doing a special on Arbor Day entitled "Trees are Awesome, Charlie Brown."
He's so out of it lately, he didn't even realize how ridiculous that sounded.
When he walked into the room, fear came into his eyes.
He knew instantly what was happening.
The first person he hugged was Linus.
I could hear him whispering under his breath.
CHARLIE BROWN: Dude, you told me this wasn't an intervention.
LINUS: We're here to save your life, Charlie Brown.
CHARLIE BROWN: You lied.
LINUS: I lied to save you.
CHARLIE BROWN: The next time we go to the bridge, I'm pushing your ass off it.
He hugged the others, then sat down the couch.
ME: Hi Charlie Brown, my name is Kevin, and I watch Intervention for hours at a time.
CHARLIE BROWN: That's...what?
ME: As an Intervention-watching specialist, I was asked to come here because all of your friends are really worried about you. Everyone in this room loves you and--
Lucy raised her hand.
LUCY: Um, I have to stop you. I wouldn't really use the word 'love.' I mean, I don't want Charlie Brown to die, but love is sort of...you know?
SALLY: I also wouldn't say love.
ME: Aren't you his sister?
SALLY: Exactly.
ME: Okay, well, I love you.
CHARLIE BROWN: You just met me.
ME: I like guys with giant heads and little bodies. It's kinda my thing.
CHARLIE BROWN: Can I leave now?
ME: No, we have to save your life.
CHARLIE BROWN: From what?
ME: Linus, would you like to go first?
Linus started to read his letter.
LINUS: Charlie Brown, when we first met, you were the lamest person I knew. I mean, you were really pathetic.
ME: Okay, I really should have proofread these letters.
LINUS: But ever since you started doing drugs, you've been standing up to me a lot, and I don't like it. Yesterday, you tried selling my blanket on eBay to score money for your addiction.
CHARLIE BROWN: That blanket is filthy. It smells like an udder.
LUCY: That's not the point, Charlie Brown.
LINUS: The point is you're sick, and you need help. Please accept this gift.
CHARLIE BROWN: There's a gift?
ME: It's a metaphorical gift.
CHARLIE BROWN: Is it a new baseball glove?
LUCY: Okay, what part of metaphor is unclear to you, blockhead?
ME: Lucy, use your words.
LUCY: I did. I used the word 'blockhead.'
I handed Charlie Brown the pamphlet.
ME: This is a lovely rehabilitation center in Miami.
CHARLIE BROWN: You're sending me to Miami to get OFF drugs?
ME: There are bars on the window.
CHARLIE BROWN: That doesn't sound lovely.
ME: You can decorate the bars with crayons.
CHARLIE BROWN: I'd rather have the baseball glove.
It was important to keep things on track so I had Sally read her letter.
SALLY: Charlie Brown, when we were kids, I always hated you.
. . . . .
ME: Um, is there more?
SALLY: Nope.
ME: But, you're supposed to tell him how much you miss having your old brother.
SALLY: Actually, I kind of like drugged out Charlie instead. He's got balls now.
ME: But we're trying to get him to change his life by helping him remember the happy memories from his childhood.
LUCY: I can help with that!
ME: Thank you, Lucy.
Lucy cleared her throat and began to read.
LUCY: Charlie Brown, when we were kids, I used to punch you, insult you, kick you, pull footballs away from you, mock you, jeer at you--
ME: Lucy, at any point, will this turn into a nice story about how you eventually grew to love each other?
LUCY: Uh...hang on, let me look on page eighteen...um...yeah, no.
ME: Great.
Luckily, I had brought Charlie Brown's teacher to the intervention.
TEACHER: Wah wah wahhhh wah wah wah wah wah wah please get help.
By the time she was done, everyone in the room was crying.
CHARLIE BROWN: I never thought about it that way.
ME: Does this mean you'll go?
CHARLIE BROWN: Can I take Snoopy with me?
ME: Well, that's the other thing we have to talk about Charlie Brown...
What? Are you surprised?
Every addict has his dealer.
ME: Snoopy's our next intervention.
It was going to be a long night.
ME: Charlie Brown, could you sit down please?
We told C.B. that he was going to be doing a special on Arbor Day entitled "Trees are Awesome, Charlie Brown."
He's so out of it lately, he didn't even realize how ridiculous that sounded.
When he walked into the room, fear came into his eyes.
He knew instantly what was happening.
The first person he hugged was Linus.
I could hear him whispering under his breath.
CHARLIE BROWN: Dude, you told me this wasn't an intervention.
LINUS: We're here to save your life, Charlie Brown.
CHARLIE BROWN: You lied.
LINUS: I lied to save you.
CHARLIE BROWN: The next time we go to the bridge, I'm pushing your ass off it.
He hugged the others, then sat down the couch.
ME: Hi Charlie Brown, my name is Kevin, and I watch Intervention for hours at a time.
CHARLIE BROWN: That's...what?
ME: As an Intervention-watching specialist, I was asked to come here because all of your friends are really worried about you. Everyone in this room loves you and--
Lucy raised her hand.
LUCY: Um, I have to stop you. I wouldn't really use the word 'love.' I mean, I don't want Charlie Brown to die, but love is sort of...you know?
SALLY: I also wouldn't say love.
ME: Aren't you his sister?
SALLY: Exactly.
ME: Okay, well, I love you.
CHARLIE BROWN: You just met me.
ME: I like guys with giant heads and little bodies. It's kinda my thing.
CHARLIE BROWN: Can I leave now?
ME: No, we have to save your life.
CHARLIE BROWN: From what?
ME: Linus, would you like to go first?
Linus started to read his letter.
LINUS: Charlie Brown, when we first met, you were the lamest person I knew. I mean, you were really pathetic.
ME: Okay, I really should have proofread these letters.
LINUS: But ever since you started doing drugs, you've been standing up to me a lot, and I don't like it. Yesterday, you tried selling my blanket on eBay to score money for your addiction.
CHARLIE BROWN: That blanket is filthy. It smells like an udder.
LUCY: That's not the point, Charlie Brown.
LINUS: The point is you're sick, and you need help. Please accept this gift.
CHARLIE BROWN: There's a gift?
ME: It's a metaphorical gift.
CHARLIE BROWN: Is it a new baseball glove?
LUCY: Okay, what part of metaphor is unclear to you, blockhead?
ME: Lucy, use your words.
LUCY: I did. I used the word 'blockhead.'
I handed Charlie Brown the pamphlet.
ME: This is a lovely rehabilitation center in Miami.
CHARLIE BROWN: You're sending me to Miami to get OFF drugs?
ME: There are bars on the window.
CHARLIE BROWN: That doesn't sound lovely.
ME: You can decorate the bars with crayons.
CHARLIE BROWN: I'd rather have the baseball glove.
It was important to keep things on track so I had Sally read her letter.
SALLY: Charlie Brown, when we were kids, I always hated you.
. . . . .
ME: Um, is there more?
SALLY: Nope.
ME: But, you're supposed to tell him how much you miss having your old brother.
SALLY: Actually, I kind of like drugged out Charlie instead. He's got balls now.
ME: But we're trying to get him to change his life by helping him remember the happy memories from his childhood.
LUCY: I can help with that!
ME: Thank you, Lucy.
Lucy cleared her throat and began to read.
LUCY: Charlie Brown, when we were kids, I used to punch you, insult you, kick you, pull footballs away from you, mock you, jeer at you--
ME: Lucy, at any point, will this turn into a nice story about how you eventually grew to love each other?
LUCY: Uh...hang on, let me look on page eighteen...um...yeah, no.
ME: Great.
Luckily, I had brought Charlie Brown's teacher to the intervention.
TEACHER: Wah wah wahhhh wah wah wah wah wah wah please get help.
By the time she was done, everyone in the room was crying.
CHARLIE BROWN: I never thought about it that way.
ME: Does this mean you'll go?
CHARLIE BROWN: Can I take Snoopy with me?
ME: Well, that's the other thing we have to talk about Charlie Brown...
What? Are you surprised?
Every addict has his dealer.
ME: Snoopy's our next intervention.
It was going to be a long night.
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