My last note won the Pulitzer Prize for blogging about sex on Facebook. So, like any good capitalist willing to pimp out his art for a paycheck (or in this case, five seconds of attention from about thirty people or less), I have decided to write a sequel.
For those of you still trying to figure out whether or not people on Facebook sending you photos of their genitalia are actually trying to hook up with you, I have some new clues to look for in new places you might not think to look. (Those shady sex fiends are spreading--just like the diseases they carry.)
This time around, we're going to deal with "liking." Oh, believe me, some people like you WAY more than you think. And by you, I mean your junk. And by "like," I mean, they want to do things to your junk.
Let's begin:
Example: Someone "likes" a photo of you.
Code for--You look really good in that photo. I've checked your other photos, and this one is the hottest, and not just some fluke where you happen to have the right lighting and your arm fat was masquerading as muscle. Congratulations. I want to have sex with you. Please look exactly like you did in this photo, and try not to speak. I basically just want to have sex with this photo. If someone could blow it up, and punch holes in it, I'd be fine, but since that's probably not going to happen, I suppose I'll just have sex with you. It could be awesome.
Example: Someone "likes" a status your friend put up.
Code for--I know you'll see this because you're friends with this person. You'll see that I agree with something you friend said, which means I'm like your friend, and you like your friend, so you should like me too! Except, don't like me like you like your friend, like me more than that. Like me in a non-friend but still compatible way so that we can have sex, which I'm guessing you don't do with your friend, but if you do, oh well, I'm not judging. Me, you, and your friend should all hang out sometime, and then you and I should ditch your friend, and just hang out by ourselves for a little while, and then have sex. It'll be awesome, except not for your friend, who will probably be mad at you, but whatever, you're having sex with me, so it's worth it.
Example: Someone "likes" that you're attending an event.
Code for--We're going to be at the same place at the same time! That means we can totally have sex afterwards! Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we skip the event, and just have sex? I mean, why not cut out the middle man, right? Neither of us actually wants to do anything aside from have sex and go on Facebook, so why bother going to this thing at all? Do you even know what it is? I have no clue. I hit "Maybe Attending" because I'm waiting to see if other cool people hit "Attending" before I commit. I don't want to be on the "Attending" list with a bunch of losers. Only losers actually say they're "Attending" anyway because they never have anything to do. You and I always have tons of stuff to do, like have sex with each other, which is what we should do. I'm going to go change my reply to "Not Attending" and then create an Event called "Having Sex with Someone Awesome" and it'll be a private event that only you can attend. And guess what? It's going to be awesome.
Okay, kids. Go see who "likes" you.
For those of you still trying to figure out whether or not people on Facebook sending you photos of their genitalia are actually trying to hook up with you, I have some new clues to look for in new places you might not think to look. (Those shady sex fiends are spreading--just like the diseases they carry.)
This time around, we're going to deal with "liking." Oh, believe me, some people like you WAY more than you think. And by you, I mean your junk. And by "like," I mean, they want to do things to your junk.
Let's begin:
Example: Someone "likes" a photo of you.
Code for--You look really good in that photo. I've checked your other photos, and this one is the hottest, and not just some fluke where you happen to have the right lighting and your arm fat was masquerading as muscle. Congratulations. I want to have sex with you. Please look exactly like you did in this photo, and try not to speak. I basically just want to have sex with this photo. If someone could blow it up, and punch holes in it, I'd be fine, but since that's probably not going to happen, I suppose I'll just have sex with you. It could be awesome.
Example: Someone "likes" a status your friend put up.
Code for--I know you'll see this because you're friends with this person. You'll see that I agree with something you friend said, which means I'm like your friend, and you like your friend, so you should like me too! Except, don't like me like you like your friend, like me more than that. Like me in a non-friend but still compatible way so that we can have sex, which I'm guessing you don't do with your friend, but if you do, oh well, I'm not judging. Me, you, and your friend should all hang out sometime, and then you and I should ditch your friend, and just hang out by ourselves for a little while, and then have sex. It'll be awesome, except not for your friend, who will probably be mad at you, but whatever, you're having sex with me, so it's worth it.
Example: Someone "likes" that you're attending an event.
Code for--We're going to be at the same place at the same time! That means we can totally have sex afterwards! Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we skip the event, and just have sex? I mean, why not cut out the middle man, right? Neither of us actually wants to do anything aside from have sex and go on Facebook, so why bother going to this thing at all? Do you even know what it is? I have no clue. I hit "Maybe Attending" because I'm waiting to see if other cool people hit "Attending" before I commit. I don't want to be on the "Attending" list with a bunch of losers. Only losers actually say they're "Attending" anyway because they never have anything to do. You and I always have tons of stuff to do, like have sex with each other, which is what we should do. I'm going to go change my reply to "Not Attending" and then create an Event called "Having Sex with Someone Awesome" and it'll be a private event that only you can attend. And guess what? It's going to be awesome.
Okay, kids. Go see who "likes" you.
Comments
Post a Comment