As this year begins to wind down, I took out my list of resolutions to make sure I had done everything I wanted to do in 2010.
1. Learn to love haddock. (Check)
2. Bribe a Senator. (Check)
3. Go Viral (Unchecked)
Somehow in the yearly hustle and bustle, I'd forgotten to make a video, post it, and have it become a viral sensation.
That meant I had to get creative.
I studied other viral videos in the hopes of figuring out the magic elements that catapult a Youtube clip into the stratosphere.
Once I collected all my data, I busted out the camera and began filming.
Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned.
Attempt #1: Hug a Predator
People seem to love it when animals that would normally eat them decide to spoon with them instead. Normally it's because the animal has a preexisting relationship with the owner, like the lion who was nursed back to help by a woman.
Too bad I don't have time to wait for someone I know to tend to an ailing grizzly bear. That means it was time for a shortcut.
"Kevin, I am not hugging that ostrich."
I brought my mom to the Roger Williams Park Zoo to see if I could expedite the "Hug a Predator" video by picking a predator that's a little more...approachable.
"That thing will step on my head."
My mother was not cooperating.
"It can't step on your head unless you're lying on the ground. Just crawl into the pen, walk up to it, and give it a friendly hug."
"This is insane! Why can't I hug a lamb?"
"What's so special about hugging a lamb? Anybody can hug a lamb! I might as well have you hug a kitten!"
"Oh, that sounds nice. Do you have a kitten?"
We gave up and left the zoo, but I told my mother that the next time she sees a sickly cheetah in her front yard, she is to care for it like it was her own son, give it away to a wildlife preserve, not visit it for a few years, then reunite with it on camera.
Until then, it's onto Plan B.
Attempt #2: What's Your Brand, Baby?
One of the biggest videos to go viral was the Smoking Baby. An enormous amount of people watched a chubby tyke light up and smoke like nobody's seen since Lauren Bacall in The Big Sleep.
If you want to go viral, you have to go bigger and better.
That meant a fatter and younger baby with better smoking technique.
"Kevin, Fred is two months old. He is not learning to blow smoke circles."
My friend Daphne was a little hesitant at first to let her son Fred take up the age-old art of making smoke rings like a Parisian woman.
"Daphne, I only need him to do it once."
"His lungs are barely formed!"
"So then what are you worried about? We'll have him quit before they're firm enough for him to do any damage to them."
"Absolutely not."
"Can I at least get him on tape holding a cigar while wearing sunglasses?
"No."
It's sad when people don't understand art.
That only left one other option.
Attempt #3: Start a Dance Craze
Since hugging ostriches and cigar-smoking infants were ruled out, I had little choice but to bust out the big guns:
A Dance Craze.
Few videos go viral as fast as ones featuring people doing the latest, coolest dance.
I just had to create one.
"Mom, it's me. Can you tell all your friends to look me up on Youtube? I just created a dance sensation."
"What do you mean?"
"It's called The Maneater."
"Like Hall and Oates?"
"Exactly!"
"How can there be a dance to 'Maneater'?"
"You'll have to google it to find out."
"Nah, not interested."
I probably could have changed my mom's mind, but before I could give it a shot, I found out that a boy from India already HAS a dance craze called The Maneater, except his to Nelly Furtado's more recent song.
Foiled again.
It looks like I'll have to wait until next year to go viral.
Hey, maybe I can do a video about wanting to go viral and then go viral! People love post-modernism!
Now where did I leave my camera?
1. Learn to love haddock. (Check)
2. Bribe a Senator. (Check)
3. Go Viral (Unchecked)
Somehow in the yearly hustle and bustle, I'd forgotten to make a video, post it, and have it become a viral sensation.
That meant I had to get creative.
I studied other viral videos in the hopes of figuring out the magic elements that catapult a Youtube clip into the stratosphere.
Once I collected all my data, I busted out the camera and began filming.
Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned.
Attempt #1: Hug a Predator
People seem to love it when animals that would normally eat them decide to spoon with them instead. Normally it's because the animal has a preexisting relationship with the owner, like the lion who was nursed back to help by a woman.
Too bad I don't have time to wait for someone I know to tend to an ailing grizzly bear. That means it was time for a shortcut.
"Kevin, I am not hugging that ostrich."
I brought my mom to the Roger Williams Park Zoo to see if I could expedite the "Hug a Predator" video by picking a predator that's a little more...approachable.
"That thing will step on my head."
My mother was not cooperating.
"It can't step on your head unless you're lying on the ground. Just crawl into the pen, walk up to it, and give it a friendly hug."
"This is insane! Why can't I hug a lamb?"
"What's so special about hugging a lamb? Anybody can hug a lamb! I might as well have you hug a kitten!"
"Oh, that sounds nice. Do you have a kitten?"
We gave up and left the zoo, but I told my mother that the next time she sees a sickly cheetah in her front yard, she is to care for it like it was her own son, give it away to a wildlife preserve, not visit it for a few years, then reunite with it on camera.
Until then, it's onto Plan B.
Attempt #2: What's Your Brand, Baby?
One of the biggest videos to go viral was the Smoking Baby. An enormous amount of people watched a chubby tyke light up and smoke like nobody's seen since Lauren Bacall in The Big Sleep.
If you want to go viral, you have to go bigger and better.
That meant a fatter and younger baby with better smoking technique.
"Kevin, Fred is two months old. He is not learning to blow smoke circles."
My friend Daphne was a little hesitant at first to let her son Fred take up the age-old art of making smoke rings like a Parisian woman.
"Daphne, I only need him to do it once."
"His lungs are barely formed!"
"So then what are you worried about? We'll have him quit before they're firm enough for him to do any damage to them."
"Absolutely not."
"Can I at least get him on tape holding a cigar while wearing sunglasses?
"No."
It's sad when people don't understand art.
That only left one other option.
Attempt #3: Start a Dance Craze
Since hugging ostriches and cigar-smoking infants were ruled out, I had little choice but to bust out the big guns:
A Dance Craze.
Few videos go viral as fast as ones featuring people doing the latest, coolest dance.
I just had to create one.
"Mom, it's me. Can you tell all your friends to look me up on Youtube? I just created a dance sensation."
"What do you mean?"
"It's called The Maneater."
"Like Hall and Oates?"
"Exactly!"
"How can there be a dance to 'Maneater'?"
"You'll have to google it to find out."
"Nah, not interested."
I probably could have changed my mom's mind, but before I could give it a shot, I found out that a boy from India already HAS a dance craze called The Maneater, except his to Nelly Furtado's more recent song.
Foiled again.
It looks like I'll have to wait until next year to go viral.
Hey, maybe I can do a video about wanting to go viral and then go viral! People love post-modernism!
Now where did I leave my camera?
Comments
Post a Comment