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10 Ugly Guys Talk About Getting Laid

On the front page of Nerve.com, there was a feature entitled "10 Cute Guys on What They Wear to Get Laid."  I found this hysterical because none of the guys were cute, and most of them claimed to not wear anything to get laid because they're hipsters and they're, like, way more progressive than that, plus sex is, like, so passe.


Here's the feature:  http://www.nerve.com/love-sex/10-cute-guys-on-what-they-wear-to-get-laid


Here's my response to the feature:


Guy #1--The Loafer


This guy hates sneakers.  He also hates smiling, letting people know he's balding, and attempting to grow chest hair.  Apparently t-shirts and baseball hates are inappropriate for going out, but a dirty polo and a Newsies cap is perfect for getting photographed in.


He looks like the trumpet player that kills the lounge singer in some independent movie set in Los Angeles circa 1972.


Guy #2--The Lesbian


He wears jeans that are ripped from the pockets down.  So basically...jean shorts.


The moral?  If you want to get laid, ruin a perfectly good pair of H&M jeans.  You won't actually get laid, but you'll think you're going to get laid, and you'll be way cooler than all the people who left their nice jeans alone and did get laid.


Oh, and that nifty earring to compliment that Indigo Girls haircut is just fantastic.


Guy #3--The Hustler


Ben doesn't believe in dressing up to get laid.  He'd rather just stare at a girl until she becomes uncomfortable, and then wait for her to come back in and beg him to take her home and degrade her.


Guy #4--The "All I Really Need Is the Tie" Guy


Brian is all over the place.  He likes a Dior tie, but says that confidence is really all you need.  So if you have a Dior tie AND confidence, you're going to be swatting the sex away with a stick.  He says you should go out and try not to think about women.  Considering he's wearing the gay vest (please, can this trend die already?) I'm guessing that's not too hard for him.


Guy #5--Moshe (No Need for a Nickname, That Name is Gold)


Moshe Pit is outraged by the question.  So outraged that he continues to talk, and then allows himself to be photographed while staring out through glasses that probably have clear glass in them.


Favorite part?  "I've found that women do not f**k my clothing."


Um...as opposed to the other parts of you they f**k?  Are these women named "Michael" and "Jeremiah?"


What really reels 'em in--these "women"--is Moshe's sense of humor.  That makes sense.  You can tell just by looking at him cross his legs and talk about women that he's a barrel of laughs.


And what television show has he been on?  The Rachel Zoe Project maybe?  Was there an episode where Brad brought his ugly twin closeted brother to work?


Guy #6:  The "Model"


First of all, I wish I could find bigger quotation marks to put around "The Model."  What has he modeled for?  Rehab centers?


Second of all, this is when I started to wonder whether or not this whole thing wasn't an article from the Onion.  Maybe I had stumbled onto the wrong website?


Frankie is wearing a do-rag, a wife-beater, grey pants, and a belt with the buckle resting on his hip, and he says he wouldn't change a thing.


When in doubt, he believes in wearing tight shit, because "sex sells more than labels."


I'm going to guess that's the stuff under his nose talking.


Just a thought.


Guy #7:  Eurotrash


So clearly, this guy loves pink.  He wants to wear pink, shop at Pink, and act like behind those sunglasses he's not staring at the cute pink pants the photographer is wearing.


I like that they chose to interview this guy while the cute guy standing behind him goes ignored.


What blind guy did they put in charge of this assignment?


Guy #8:  The Lost Doug Character


2nd Favorite Quote:  I like to make myself at least somewhat approachable.


Favorite Quote:  I do work in fashion


Need I say more?


Guy #9:  Ole Smokey


Don't believe his "I don't give a s**t attitude?"  Well, just to drive the point home, he blows out a cloud of smoke just as they're snapping his picture.


Because clearly, he's badass.


Oh, and he's modest.


Sidenote:  I like that none of these guys mention having any trouble getting laid.  They all act as if it's just a question of when they feel like having it, which, I'm guessing, is whenever their parents go out for the night, and their girlfriends give them a discounted rate.


Guy #10:  The Moscow Observer


"Some of the most ridiculous looking guys get laid all the time." ~ Marcus


He took the words right out of my mouth.

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