I was having my first lunch of 2012 with the boys, and, as usual, Scooter was telling us about some guy whose soul he had just destroyed.
SCOOTER: So then we spent all night together and I told him how much I liked him.
Wait for it.
SCOOTER: Then I deleted his number from my phone, and last night I hooked up with a guy who works at P.F. Chang's.
BRIAN: Here comes a pun.
SCOOTER: I totally P.F. banged him.
BRIAN: Worse than I thought.
TURNER: Why wouldn't you call him back if you liked him?
SCOOTER: Because I liked him on the date, but then the next day I was kinda over it.
ME: You're a horrible person.
SCOOTER: Hahaha, oh KBroc. Always with the dark comedy.
ME: No, I just mean you're a horrible person. That was completely sincere.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I ever thought Scooter was a great person.
After all, he's done the following things:
- Dated twin brothers only to break up with them for their father
- Slashed the tires on his ex-boyfriend's grandmother's car
- Kidnapping eighteen cardboard cut-outs of Zac Effron for--
Well, we're not exactly sure what he used them for.
But this latest character flaw made me especially mad.
Being back on the dating scene, I find it infuriating when a guy doesn't have the courtesy to tell you that he's not into you anymore after he said he was.
ME: Why don't you just call him and tell him you're not interested?
SCOOTER: Ew! Because that would be the most awkward phone call ever of all time.
BRIAN: Gore's call to Bush in 2000 to take back his conceding the election? A close second.
TURNER: I'm actually with Scooter on this one.
ME: Are you kidding?
TURNER: Kevin, who wants to make that phone call? Why can't the guy just figure it out when you're not calling him back?
ME: Because he shouldn't have to figure it out! He should get a nice phone call letting him know--
SCOOTER: That a day later I was thinking more about how I was going to cook my pork that night more than I was thinking about him?
BRIAN: 'Cook my pork' is slang for masturbating, isn't it?
SCOOTER: Yeah, but I do usually eat pork afterwards.
It killed me to know that there was some guy somewhere waiting on Scooter to call and, most likely, turning down other, worthier guys in the meantime
ME: Give me your phone. I'm calling him.
SCOOTER: What?
TURNER: Right now?
ME: Right now.
BRIAN: Didn't we make a rule about using our cell phones to call guys we don't want to date anymore at lunch?
ME: I'm sorry, but this guy deserves to know the truth.
TURNER: Do you actually think Scooter would be so callous as to let somebody else do his dirty work for him when he--
SCOOTER: It's 401--
TURNER: I'm surprised I got that far into the sentence.
This might seem weird, but at least the guy wasn't going to keep his hopes up much longer.
ME: Hi, is this John? I'm a friend of Scooter's.
BRIAN: I knew I should have brought the camera crew today.
SCOOTER: This is so awesome!
TURNER: Why do I side with you so much during arguments? It's like siding with Stalin.
SCOOTER: If he starts to cry, put him on speaker!
ME: ...And so he's not going to be calling you or anything. He's not interested. Please know that he's a total moron and I've seen him eat food off the floor, and by food, I mean a milkshake, and by eat, I mean lick up like a kitten.
SCOOTER: Don't cry over spilled milk. That's all I'm saying.
BRIAN: That's not at all how that expression is meant to be used.
ME: ...No, I'm pretty sure he's not going to change his mind about a second date.
TURNER: Did he not hear the milkshake story?
SCOOTER: Please, I tell all my dates the milkshake story. They think it's charming.
BRIAN: That's because you tell it to them while you lift up your shirt to show off your six pack.
SCOOTER: That's part of my story-telling process.
Meanwhile, poor John was slowly having a nervous breakdown.
JOHN: BUT HE SAID HE LIKED ME!
ME: I know, and I can't apologize enough for him. He's a jerk.
JOHN: THEN WHY ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH HIM?
ME: I just don't have time to make new ones. He knows me. It takes three hours just to explain to someone why I'm afraid of swing sets.
JOHN: WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU?
Twenty minutes later, I was off the phone.
ME: See? That wasn't so hard.
BRIAN: That looked pretty hard.
TURNER: It sounded awful.
SCOOTER: Kev, is your nose bleeding?
ME: Yeah, I think I might put my head down for a little bit.
Whoever said being polite doesn't kill you was probably waiting for a phone call that never came.
SCOOTER: So then we spent all night together and I told him how much I liked him.
Wait for it.
SCOOTER: Then I deleted his number from my phone, and last night I hooked up with a guy who works at P.F. Chang's.
BRIAN: Here comes a pun.
SCOOTER: I totally P.F. banged him.
BRIAN: Worse than I thought.
TURNER: Why wouldn't you call him back if you liked him?
SCOOTER: Because I liked him on the date, but then the next day I was kinda over it.
ME: You're a horrible person.
SCOOTER: Hahaha, oh KBroc. Always with the dark comedy.
ME: No, I just mean you're a horrible person. That was completely sincere.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I ever thought Scooter was a great person.
After all, he's done the following things:
- Dated twin brothers only to break up with them for their father
- Slashed the tires on his ex-boyfriend's grandmother's car
- Kidnapping eighteen cardboard cut-outs of Zac Effron for--
Well, we're not exactly sure what he used them for.
But this latest character flaw made me especially mad.
Being back on the dating scene, I find it infuriating when a guy doesn't have the courtesy to tell you that he's not into you anymore after he said he was.
ME: Why don't you just call him and tell him you're not interested?
SCOOTER: Ew! Because that would be the most awkward phone call ever of all time.
BRIAN: Gore's call to Bush in 2000 to take back his conceding the election? A close second.
TURNER: I'm actually with Scooter on this one.
ME: Are you kidding?
TURNER: Kevin, who wants to make that phone call? Why can't the guy just figure it out when you're not calling him back?
ME: Because he shouldn't have to figure it out! He should get a nice phone call letting him know--
SCOOTER: That a day later I was thinking more about how I was going to cook my pork that night more than I was thinking about him?
BRIAN: 'Cook my pork' is slang for masturbating, isn't it?
SCOOTER: Yeah, but I do usually eat pork afterwards.
It killed me to know that there was some guy somewhere waiting on Scooter to call and, most likely, turning down other, worthier guys in the meantime
ME: Give me your phone. I'm calling him.
SCOOTER: What?
TURNER: Right now?
ME: Right now.
BRIAN: Didn't we make a rule about using our cell phones to call guys we don't want to date anymore at lunch?
ME: I'm sorry, but this guy deserves to know the truth.
TURNER: Do you actually think Scooter would be so callous as to let somebody else do his dirty work for him when he--
SCOOTER: It's 401--
TURNER: I'm surprised I got that far into the sentence.
This might seem weird, but at least the guy wasn't going to keep his hopes up much longer.
ME: Hi, is this John? I'm a friend of Scooter's.
BRIAN: I knew I should have brought the camera crew today.
SCOOTER: This is so awesome!
TURNER: Why do I side with you so much during arguments? It's like siding with Stalin.
SCOOTER: If he starts to cry, put him on speaker!
ME: ...And so he's not going to be calling you or anything. He's not interested. Please know that he's a total moron and I've seen him eat food off the floor, and by food, I mean a milkshake, and by eat, I mean lick up like a kitten.
SCOOTER: Don't cry over spilled milk. That's all I'm saying.
BRIAN: That's not at all how that expression is meant to be used.
ME: ...No, I'm pretty sure he's not going to change his mind about a second date.
TURNER: Did he not hear the milkshake story?
SCOOTER: Please, I tell all my dates the milkshake story. They think it's charming.
BRIAN: That's because you tell it to them while you lift up your shirt to show off your six pack.
SCOOTER: That's part of my story-telling process.
Meanwhile, poor John was slowly having a nervous breakdown.
JOHN: BUT HE SAID HE LIKED ME!
ME: I know, and I can't apologize enough for him. He's a jerk.
JOHN: THEN WHY ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH HIM?
ME: I just don't have time to make new ones. He knows me. It takes three hours just to explain to someone why I'm afraid of swing sets.
JOHN: WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU?
Twenty minutes later, I was off the phone.
ME: See? That wasn't so hard.
BRIAN: That looked pretty hard.
TURNER: It sounded awful.
SCOOTER: Kev, is your nose bleeding?
ME: Yeah, I think I might put my head down for a little bit.
Whoever said being polite doesn't kill you was probably waiting for a phone call that never came.
Comments
Post a Comment