This seems to happen to me all the time.
I post what I perceive to be an adorable little status that I'm super proud of--the same way a third grader might be proud when he makes his first q-tip snowscape.
The status either contains a witty observation or a note of gratitude or just a statement about something I'm doing.
And then who comes along to ruin it?
The People Who Ruin My Life on Facebook
They have to leave a comment that completely destroys the status you put up, and then you're faced with that awkward dilemma of deleting what they posted or leaving it up for the world to see.
"Hey everybody, look at my status and then look at this hideous barnacle that attached itself to my status!"
Here are a few examples of these jerks and what they do best:
1) The Debbie Downers
Status: Such a beautiful day out. Can't wait to hit the beach!
Comment: I wish I could go to the beach but it reminds me of when I was attacked by seagulls as a small child.
(Inevitably, somebody else comments by saying something like "I'm so sorry" or " :( " and then the whole thing turns into a German indie flick. Pretty soon you don't even feel like going to the beach anymore.)
2) The Broke Jokes
Status: Going to the movies tonight!
Comment: I wish I could go to the movies, but I'm broke. I don't even have money to put gas in my car to get to the movies. I'm also starving in a cold room right now.
(They're usually the same people who post their own status a day later about how much fun they had at the bar the night before when some poor schmuck got sick of seeing their comments and offered to buy them a drink. It's all part of their master plan, people.)
3) The People Who Think You're Always Talking to Them
Status: God, I can't stand people who don't know how to drive.
Comment: Um, I know how to drive. And I really don't like your tone.
(You have to wonder whether these people are egomaniacs or if they think their Newsfeed is really their inbox. Either way, it's obnoxious.)
4) The One-Uppers
Status: Had such a great time in New York today!
Comment: Aw, the bf and I were going to go to New York, but he surprised me with a trip to Italy instead! Maybe next time.
(In case you didn't see my eight statuses about my impromptu Italy trip, let me bring the mountain right to you, Mohammed. Ps. I'm better than you. Just so we're clear.)
5) The TMI Squad
Status: The new restaurant on Blue Street is great!
Comment: My grandmother actually worked the corner on Blue Street in the 80's.
(Most of the time, they seem to think their inappropriate personal information is actually a quirky anecdote just waiting to be told. You can almost hear them begging through the keyboard--Ask me about this, please! I promise it's really a funny story and not at all as horrifying as it sounds!)
6) The Dissenting Opinion
Status: I love the new Leonardo DiCaprio movie!
Comment: I don't like Leonardo DiCaprio. He can't act. All his movies are terrible.
(Hello Good Sir,
I'm just going to disagree with you completely, because your Facebook wall isn't actually a Facebook wall but a public forum where all may come to engage in discourse and chattery. You must hear my dissenting opinion and then counter it with something of your own. We shall do this for several hours and then when one of us is too tired to continue, long after everyone else has hit 'Unfollow,' one shall surrender with a smiley face and you'll think twice before posting anything resembling an opinion again.
Sincerely,
Dickhead McAsshole )
7. The Person Who's Been Living in a Cave for the Last Thousand Years
Status: The article in Rolling Stone about Megan Fox makes her sound so stupid.
Comment: Who's Megan Fox and what's Rolling Stone? Is that a magazine?
(You're probably going to get double-damned with this one, because you know the next comment is going to be--)
Comment: I hate Megan Fox! Why would you read about her? Don't you have anything better to do with your time?
(And then--)
Comment: Megan Fox killed my father. Thanks for reminding me. I wish I had money to go drinking so I forget all this pain...
8. The 'I'm Going to Make Everything Sexual' Idiot
Status: My pipes are frozen. Guess I can't take a shower.
Comment: You can come shower at my place ;)
(It's always the winkie face--always, always, always the winkie face. Part of me wonders why they don't just go all out. If you're going to be a perv, just fully embrace your perv-dom. Instead of hinting at how gross you are, just say--"Come to my place and I'll let you use my shower in exchange for sexual favors like a common whore. I think bartering hot water for oral is totally acceptable." Also, heaven forbid you remind this person that you're taken or that you're not interested in them. Because then the follow-up comment is--)
Comment: I was just kidding! Geez, didn't you see the winkie face?
(And so the winkie face is both insinuating and insuring at the same time. I could kill whoever thought up emoticons.)
9. The Elderly Excuse
Status: The Sound of Music is on!
Comment: I remember seeing that movie in the theaters! You're so young!
(Usually when anybody talks about how old they are on Facebook, it's because they want to protect themselves for when they do something stupid later on, like writing on your wall to ask you something instead of messaging you or committing one of the other previously listed grievances. That's when they trot out the tried-and-true "I'm old. I don't know how to use on Facebook. I hate it." --Which begs the question: Then why are you ON Facebook? It also makes me want to ask, "How is it your generation put a man on the moon, but differentiating between "Message" and "Write on Wall" is too mind-boggling for you to handle.)
10. The People Who Are Going to Win an Argument with You By Bringing Up Something Totally Different
Status: Can anyone explain to me why we don't have better environmental laws?
Comment: I don't know. Why don't you ask Charlie Sheen? He's a millionaire. Is that right? Damn liberals.
The problem with this, and any of these people really, is that engaging them in any way is like sticking your hand in a tiger's cage, and by that I mean, these people are so f**king crazy they'd probably eat your hand if you got too close to them.
From now on, I'm just going to start deleting comments at will.
I could just get rid of Facebook, but then look at all the stuff I'd be missing out on.
I post what I perceive to be an adorable little status that I'm super proud of--the same way a third grader might be proud when he makes his first q-tip snowscape.
The status either contains a witty observation or a note of gratitude or just a statement about something I'm doing.
And then who comes along to ruin it?
The People Who Ruin My Life on Facebook
They have to leave a comment that completely destroys the status you put up, and then you're faced with that awkward dilemma of deleting what they posted or leaving it up for the world to see.
"Hey everybody, look at my status and then look at this hideous barnacle that attached itself to my status!"
Here are a few examples of these jerks and what they do best:
1) The Debbie Downers
Status: Such a beautiful day out. Can't wait to hit the beach!
Comment: I wish I could go to the beach but it reminds me of when I was attacked by seagulls as a small child.
(Inevitably, somebody else comments by saying something like "I'm so sorry" or " :( " and then the whole thing turns into a German indie flick. Pretty soon you don't even feel like going to the beach anymore.)
2) The Broke Jokes
Status: Going to the movies tonight!
Comment: I wish I could go to the movies, but I'm broke. I don't even have money to put gas in my car to get to the movies. I'm also starving in a cold room right now.
(They're usually the same people who post their own status a day later about how much fun they had at the bar the night before when some poor schmuck got sick of seeing their comments and offered to buy them a drink. It's all part of their master plan, people.)
3) The People Who Think You're Always Talking to Them
Status: God, I can't stand people who don't know how to drive.
Comment: Um, I know how to drive. And I really don't like your tone.
(You have to wonder whether these people are egomaniacs or if they think their Newsfeed is really their inbox. Either way, it's obnoxious.)
4) The One-Uppers
Status: Had such a great time in New York today!
Comment: Aw, the bf and I were going to go to New York, but he surprised me with a trip to Italy instead! Maybe next time.
(In case you didn't see my eight statuses about my impromptu Italy trip, let me bring the mountain right to you, Mohammed. Ps. I'm better than you. Just so we're clear.)
5) The TMI Squad
Status: The new restaurant on Blue Street is great!
Comment: My grandmother actually worked the corner on Blue Street in the 80's.
(Most of the time, they seem to think their inappropriate personal information is actually a quirky anecdote just waiting to be told. You can almost hear them begging through the keyboard--Ask me about this, please! I promise it's really a funny story and not at all as horrifying as it sounds!)
6) The Dissenting Opinion
Status: I love the new Leonardo DiCaprio movie!
Comment: I don't like Leonardo DiCaprio. He can't act. All his movies are terrible.
(Hello Good Sir,
I'm just going to disagree with you completely, because your Facebook wall isn't actually a Facebook wall but a public forum where all may come to engage in discourse and chattery. You must hear my dissenting opinion and then counter it with something of your own. We shall do this for several hours and then when one of us is too tired to continue, long after everyone else has hit 'Unfollow,' one shall surrender with a smiley face and you'll think twice before posting anything resembling an opinion again.
Sincerely,
Dickhead McAsshole )
7. The Person Who's Been Living in a Cave for the Last Thousand Years
Status: The article in Rolling Stone about Megan Fox makes her sound so stupid.
Comment: Who's Megan Fox and what's Rolling Stone? Is that a magazine?
(You're probably going to get double-damned with this one, because you know the next comment is going to be--)
Comment: I hate Megan Fox! Why would you read about her? Don't you have anything better to do with your time?
(And then--)
Comment: Megan Fox killed my father. Thanks for reminding me. I wish I had money to go drinking so I forget all this pain...
8. The 'I'm Going to Make Everything Sexual' Idiot
Status: My pipes are frozen. Guess I can't take a shower.
Comment: You can come shower at my place ;)
(It's always the winkie face--always, always, always the winkie face. Part of me wonders why they don't just go all out. If you're going to be a perv, just fully embrace your perv-dom. Instead of hinting at how gross you are, just say--"Come to my place and I'll let you use my shower in exchange for sexual favors like a common whore. I think bartering hot water for oral is totally acceptable." Also, heaven forbid you remind this person that you're taken or that you're not interested in them. Because then the follow-up comment is--)
Comment: I was just kidding! Geez, didn't you see the winkie face?
(And so the winkie face is both insinuating and insuring at the same time. I could kill whoever thought up emoticons.)
9. The Elderly Excuse
Status: The Sound of Music is on!
Comment: I remember seeing that movie in the theaters! You're so young!
(Usually when anybody talks about how old they are on Facebook, it's because they want to protect themselves for when they do something stupid later on, like writing on your wall to ask you something instead of messaging you or committing one of the other previously listed grievances. That's when they trot out the tried-and-true "I'm old. I don't know how to use on Facebook. I hate it." --Which begs the question: Then why are you ON Facebook? It also makes me want to ask, "How is it your generation put a man on the moon, but differentiating between "Message" and "Write on Wall" is too mind-boggling for you to handle.)
10. The People Who Are Going to Win an Argument with You By Bringing Up Something Totally Different
Status: Can anyone explain to me why we don't have better environmental laws?
Comment: I don't know. Why don't you ask Charlie Sheen? He's a millionaire. Is that right? Damn liberals.
The problem with this, and any of these people really, is that engaging them in any way is like sticking your hand in a tiger's cage, and by that I mean, these people are so f**king crazy they'd probably eat your hand if you got too close to them.
From now on, I'm just going to start deleting comments at will.
I could just get rid of Facebook, but then look at all the stuff I'd be missing out on.
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