There is nothing that terrifies me more than having an opinion about the Middle East.
Unfortunately, there's a part of my brain that desperately wants to have opinions about everything, including issues that are considered inflammatory.
I once read a twenty-seven page New Yorker article on fracking just so I could get mad about it in an intelligent way.
(Sidenote: Why are ALL New Yorker articles twenty-seven pages long? And they wonder why I have stacks of old New Yorkers sitting on my coffee table.
Side-Sidenote: I don't know who "they" would be--The people at the New Yorker? I mean, I'm assuming they want me to read their work. Me, specifically. I believe I'm their target audience: Gay, liberal, and indignant.)
For the most part, a quick skim of a Huntington Post article gives me all the ammunition I need to go sounding off on message boards--
--And by message boards, I mean, the comments section of any of my Conservative friends on Facebook.
The one exception is the Middle East.
The thought of having any opinion at all about anything that happens east of Barcelona scares the hell out of me.
For one thing, there's way too much to read. I thought twenty-seven pages on fracking was impossible, but then I googled "Middle East" and holy shit--I'd have to call in sick for a week just to cover that war, you know, that where everybody--
See, this is the problem.
And it's not that it's not fun to read about the Middle East, it's more that it's the least fun thing ever to read about the Middle East.
Think of anything you could be doing, and no matter how dull it might be, I promise you, it is not as dull as trying to read about the Middle East.
Oh sure, there are some interesting highlights, but at the end of the day, it's just a lot of people being mad about stuff that I, as an atheist, simply cannot get mad about.
The Revolutionary War? I get it. No taxation without representation.
The Civil War? I get it. Slavery is bad.
The Middle East? SO MUCH RELIGION.
I just can't wrap my head around it, and also, I can't really pick a side. I mean, I know according to everyone who votes in America (so basically, everyone over the age of fifty) I'm supposed to side with Israel. And according to everyone who doesn't vote in America, but who enjoys protesting on patches of grass, getting a tan while simultaneously being self-righteous, I'm supposed to side with Palestine. But when it comes to all other conflicts in history, the Big Bad is pretty clear. You can tell because the Big Bad does NOT have an American accent.
Here, both sides don't have American accents, so what the hell am I supposed to do?
If you ask me--and I believe you did, I think I specifically remember you asking me what I thought about all this--One of the two sides should learn to talk exactly like Americans. Then, we'd all be picking a side reaaaaaaaaaaal quick, I can promise you that. None of this "Well, it's complicated" stuff.
"Hey! Those guys sound like us! Let's help them out. The last thing we need are more people who sound nothing like us." ~ America
I don't care if somebody sounds like me or not, I just want to know who I can root for. If Israel or Palestine were to grow those curly mustaches that Snidely Whiplash has or put on a cape or start utilizing scary robots to do their bidding, maybe then I'd have an easier time formulating an opinion on the whole thing, but until then, I'm going to have to stick to yelling at people about gun control or gluten allergies.
As for fracking, well...
I'll get around to those New Yorkers eventually.
Unfortunately, there's a part of my brain that desperately wants to have opinions about everything, including issues that are considered inflammatory.
I once read a twenty-seven page New Yorker article on fracking just so I could get mad about it in an intelligent way.
(Sidenote: Why are ALL New Yorker articles twenty-seven pages long? And they wonder why I have stacks of old New Yorkers sitting on my coffee table.
Side-Sidenote: I don't know who "they" would be--The people at the New Yorker? I mean, I'm assuming they want me to read their work. Me, specifically. I believe I'm their target audience: Gay, liberal, and indignant.)
For the most part, a quick skim of a Huntington Post article gives me all the ammunition I need to go sounding off on message boards--
--And by message boards, I mean, the comments section of any of my Conservative friends on Facebook.
The one exception is the Middle East.
The thought of having any opinion at all about anything that happens east of Barcelona scares the hell out of me.
For one thing, there's way too much to read. I thought twenty-seven pages on fracking was impossible, but then I googled "Middle East" and holy shit--I'd have to call in sick for a week just to cover that war, you know, that where everybody--
See, this is the problem.
And it's not that it's not fun to read about the Middle East, it's more that it's the least fun thing ever to read about the Middle East.
Think of anything you could be doing, and no matter how dull it might be, I promise you, it is not as dull as trying to read about the Middle East.
Oh sure, there are some interesting highlights, but at the end of the day, it's just a lot of people being mad about stuff that I, as an atheist, simply cannot get mad about.
The Revolutionary War? I get it. No taxation without representation.
The Civil War? I get it. Slavery is bad.
The Middle East? SO MUCH RELIGION.
I just can't wrap my head around it, and also, I can't really pick a side. I mean, I know according to everyone who votes in America (so basically, everyone over the age of fifty) I'm supposed to side with Israel. And according to everyone who doesn't vote in America, but who enjoys protesting on patches of grass, getting a tan while simultaneously being self-righteous, I'm supposed to side with Palestine. But when it comes to all other conflicts in history, the Big Bad is pretty clear. You can tell because the Big Bad does NOT have an American accent.
Here, both sides don't have American accents, so what the hell am I supposed to do?
If you ask me--and I believe you did, I think I specifically remember you asking me what I thought about all this--One of the two sides should learn to talk exactly like Americans. Then, we'd all be picking a side reaaaaaaaaaaal quick, I can promise you that. None of this "Well, it's complicated" stuff.
"Hey! Those guys sound like us! Let's help them out. The last thing we need are more people who sound nothing like us." ~ America
I don't care if somebody sounds like me or not, I just want to know who I can root for. If Israel or Palestine were to grow those curly mustaches that Snidely Whiplash has or put on a cape or start utilizing scary robots to do their bidding, maybe then I'd have an easier time formulating an opinion on the whole thing, but until then, I'm going to have to stick to yelling at people about gun control or gluten allergies.
As for fracking, well...
I'll get around to those New Yorkers eventually.
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