To the Children, or Everything I’m Still Doing Wrong That Maybe You Won’t: Wisdom, Humor, and Random Notes from Someone Who Has No Business Giving Advice to Anyone

The students in my teen writing class told me I needed to write something inspirational for them, because a few are graduating this year.

“But Mr. B, make it funny, too.”

“Like a graduation speech.”

“But funny.”

“Yeah, do it like you would do a graduation speech.”

“But not weird.”

“Yeah, don’t be weird about it.”

Well—I gave it my best shot.

“To the Children, or Everything I’m Still Doing Wrong That Maybe You Won’t: Wisdom, Humor, and Random Notes from Someone Who Has No Business Giving Advice to Anyone”

Don’t get mad at yourself for not being a morning person. Some of the best people on earth are night owls, and Imelda Marcos loved being up at dawn. (I don’t know if that last part is true, but I’m sure you can Google it.)

When two people are talking about something, it’s rude to stop their conversation to ask them what they’re talking about. Just eavesdrop until you get enough context clues to piece most of it together, and then join in with a half-formed opinion.

Be the friend who picks someone up at the airport. There is no better kind of friend.

Everybody is at least a little bit motivated by self-interest. Keep that in mind when you’re asking for help with something.

The most important people in your life answer the phone at 2am because they know you could be kidnapped or that an old episode of Law & Order is on and you need to talk about it with someone.

Whenever you get the chance to hold a baby, do it.

Whenever you get the chance to pet a puppy, do it.

Whenever you get the chance to sing in public—ask yourself if it’s absolutely necessary—then do it anyway.

Always over-tip. Always. If the service was lousy, over-tip. Maybe it’ll cheer up the person who did a bad job waiting on you and the next person will get better service. Either way, make sure you over-tip. It’s one of the defining traits of a truly awesome person.

Also—if you join a group of friends at a restaurant, and you order something, you have to put in $20. You have to put in at least $20. I don’t care if you order tap water with a lime—put in $20. Don’t be the person who shows up, orders “just an appetizer,” and then drops five bucks on the table. That is one of the defining traits of a truly heinous individual.

And if you have time to write a nasty online review, you have time to write a thank you card to somebody who did something nice for you. Remember that.

I believe that most art either thrives or dies based on its structure. A poorly built home isn’t going to stand, so why should books, movies, or plays be any different? I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been to a play where I thought, If this had been a one-act, it would have been wonderful, or read a book and thought, If this had all been told in first-person, I’d be into it.

If you’re writing something and you’re stuck, look at the structure. Start with the foundation. That might be where you went wrong.

Or maybe the whole thing is just garbage and you should become a dermatologist. Who knows?

Never wear pajamas in public unless you want to telegraph to the world that you’re in need of a social worker.

Somebody who’s decided not to like you isn’t going to change their mind because of what you achieve. If you fail, they’re going to mock you, and if you succeed, they’re going to resent you. So don’t base what you do on trying to change anybody’s mind. Make work for your champions, not for your critics.

Okay, now that being said—

Be your toughest critic. Don’t beat yourself up, but don’t let yourself off easy. How do you do that without losing your mind? Not a clue.

When someone you don’t like does you a favor, it might be their way of letting you know that they’d like to get along with you, and you’re an idiot if you turn down the opportunity to have one more friend and one less enemy.

Let people have their moment. I don’t think this culture of one-upmanship is going anywhere anytime soon, but that doesn’t mean you have to contribute to it. If you see someone doing well, applaud them. You’ll want that applause when you do something that merits it. Remember that person I talked about who either mocks people or resents them? Don’t be them.

I don’t care what anyone says—Breakfast is unnecessary.

Break-ups do not belong on social media.

Ever.

Ever, ever, ever.

Let other people take pictures of you.

Photos taken by other people are a dying breed.

Never let people make you feel bad for being ambitious or for going after what you want. Accept the fact that at some point, anyone who’s ever achieved anything worthwhile had to do something that wasn’t totally ethical, moral, or even legal. The test of how badly you want something is occasionally going to be a really difficult and painful test.  At least a hundred people on earth want the exact same thing you want more than you want it and are willing to work harder to get it. That statement could be totally false, but if you act like it’s true, you’ll be way better off.

If you’re going to make popcorn, make sure there’s enough for everyone in a three-block radius.

If someone said to me, “You can have another day with your grandma, but you have to give up a year of your life,” I’d say “Take two years and give me a day and a half.” You never know when you’re going to lose someone you love, so don’t listen to that voice in your head telling you that you have forever.

Smile at your enemies. It’ll freak them out.

By the way, spend more time pissing off your enemies than your allies.

If you’re going to cancel on someone, call them. If you can’t make the call, it’s because you don’t really have a good reason to cancel and you know it, so shut up and get dressed.

I’m an atheist, but I stand by the following statement:

Going to a funeral has nothing to do with the person who died.

I once went to the funeral of a man who left three grown kids behind, and when I asked why their mother wasn't there, someone said "Oh, she divorced him years ago."  That made no sense to me.  He was long gone and these grown adults needed their mother.

No dead person has ever cared if somebody went to their funeral. I can’t know that for sure, but at least three mediums have told me it’s true.

You go to the funeral for the people the dead person left behind. Because if you have the opportunity to give somebody a hug on what could be the worst day of their life, you damn well better go give them that hug.

Speaking of hugs—

Let the other person break the hug. Try it, it’s life-changing. I promise. Just make sure that when they break it, you break as well.  Don't be creepy.

Always give anger twenty-four hours to see if it’s really anger or just accelerated aggravation.

Letting people know they hurt your feelings is the quickest way to help your feelings heal. Yesterday somebody hurt my feelings, and just thinking about telling them was enough to make me feel better.

A tan is like plastic surgery. If people can tell you paid for it, it wasn’t worth the money.

You never have a reason to say anything about someone’s weight.

When you see someone you love, smile. You probably think you’re already doing that.

Trust me, you’re not.

Let people know you’re happy to see them.

Don’t worry about smiling at strangers though. They can go to hell.

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; minds who want to get invited to all the best parties discuss people.

A good way to surprise people is to admit that you screwed up. It’s also a great way to earn their respect.

You’re in control of your own narrative. Be aware of the story you’re telling.

You could be the lovechild of Albert Einstein and Jesus Christ and if you wipe your nose on your sleeve, that’s all people are ever going to remember about you.

Try not to start a fight, but if someone is determined to start a fight with you, make sure they regret it.

The word “but” does not belong in an apology.

Don’t talk about what you’re writing. Write it, then talk about it.

People lie for absolutely no reason. Some people just like lying, or they can’t help themselves. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you're always looking for a reason behind a lie.

Unless it’s a suspicious looking bag in an airport, it’s none of your business how something/someone got to where it is/they are.

Ninety percent of everything good in your life is yours because of luck. Maybe more than ninety percent.

All my friends in happy marriages said “I can’t wait to be married.” All my divorced friends said “I can’t wait for my wedding.”

In ten years, fame is going to be totally meaningless, but success isn’t.

And no, they’re not the same thing.

Just kidding, fame probably only has five years left.

You cannot win an argument with a destructive person or a tiger. Both will eat at least half of you before somebody stops them.

When you hear an employer say “We’re like family here” it means “We’re going to treat you poorly and you’re going to put up with it as if you have no other choice.” When you hear the word “family” applied to people who aren’t your family—Run.

If you’re the person who has a solution before mentioning a problem, people will trip over themselves to work with you.

Pay attention to what you do when you’re sad, and ask yourself if you should be doing it.

Yes, talented people can sometimes get away with more than untalented people can. Be pleasant to work with and kind and lovely, but if you can also be incredibly talented, it’s not a bad idea.

That being said—

If you’re a great artist but a lousy person, you’re always going to struggle to get people to like you because of your art, and it’s a struggle you’re never going to win, and you’ll end up hating people and resenting your own work. The moral of that is—

Don’t be a lousy person if you can absolutely help it.

One time someone was trying to talk over me and I said—“We’re not going to have your conversation. We’re going to have my conversation” and it was so badass I tried to high five myself, but I ended up just slapping myself in the face, and the person went right back to talking over me. Nevertheless, it’s a good quote, and you might want to use it someday.

You know what’s a fun game? Seeing if you can talk about politics without killing someone.

Okay, fine, it’s not a fun game, but it is one you have to learn how to play.

Don’t avoid talking about hard stuff. If we all do that, we’re going to be in big trouble.

Living well isn’t the best revenge—letting them know how well you’re living is.

Eventually you have to answer for everything—everything you ever say or do. So be sure you’re ready for that.

It’s okay to make a mistake, but just know that one day somebody’s going to ask you about it, and you better have something to say for yourself.

The supermarket is a wonderful and therapeutic place two hours before closing. Just don’t go there when you’re hungry.

There were people who hated Princess Diana, and she was Princess Diana, so what chance do you have at being universally liked?

Nobody has ever said—“Someone sent me an Edible Arrangement and I still had a bad day.”

Bill Gates never wears a tie.

You are not Bill Gates.

Dress up every once in awhile.

You’ll enjoy it.

And if not, others will.

And it’ll make you like your pajamas more.

Just don’t wear them out in public.

Remember that being able to stand up for a friend is a privilege, not an obligation. If you can’t stand up for somebody, you probably shouldn’t have them as a friend. Either that, or you’re not a very good friend and you need to work on that.

If you catch someone doing something, chances are, it’s not the first time they’ve done it.

Never give anyone your ATM code.

Never give anyone money unless you plan on never seeing it again.

Never give anyone a gift without a receipt.

Always give someone a ride; you’re going to need one someday.

Journaling is a great hobby, but it's also a really hard one to keep up with, because writing longhand is going the way of video rentals.  Do this.  Journal on your computer.  Use Google Docs.  Type it out--unless you're a slow typer.  It'll look neater and most of us are sitting at a computer for at least an hour everyday anyway, so why not put it to good use?

When I was just out of college, I had a panic attack sitting at my mother’s kitchen table. I told her I felt like a failure, because I had no clue what I was going to do with my life, and everyone around me seemed like they knew exactly what they were going to do with theirs. It didn’t matter that I had just gotten a college degree. I felt totally worthless. This was October. Nobody tells you this, but October can be a rough month. My Mom told me I wasn’t a failure, and I believed her. Well, I didn’t believe her right away, but I tried to, because my Mom is the smartest person I know, and if she thought I was going to be okay, who the hell was I to doubt her?

When you think you’re a lost cause, go find someone who loves you, ask them what they think, and then believe them. They might be lying to you, but so what? They’re awesome and they love you, so you’re probably not that bad, right?

My best piece of advice is this—

If you’re at a point in your life when you feel lost and hopeless, and you think nothing will ever be okay, do two things.

First—get help. Some of the bravest people on earth are the ones who ask for help.

Second—get a calendar and circle the date six months from today.

And know that on that day, you’ll feel better.

The thing that’s bothering you probably won’t even exist. New things will bother you, but probably not that specific thing. It might sound like simple advice, but it actually—and I say this with total sincerity—changed my life.

I hope this was inspirational and funny and not too weird.

I’ll miss almost all of you.

And if you ever need someone to pick you up at the airport, just give me a call.