Last October, I decided I needed to start acting like an adult.
Because I have no interest in getting up early, eating well, or meditating, that meant I had to find some other way of impressing people my age.
So I decided on the stock market.
Now, I know absolutely nothing about the stock market, and I have no time to learn anything about it, because my Netflix queue is soooo long you guys, and when you add it to my Amazon watchlist, it doesn't look like I'm ever going to be productive again.
Luckily for me, we live in 2017, where you can download an app if you want to learn about the stock market or just want to be like "Hey, here's some money. Go make me rich."
I opted for the latter.
Actually, I opted for three latters.
I downloaded three different apps that take my money right out of my bank account (in small increments, because baby steps) and invest for me.
They also offer to tell me how they're investing and why and blah blah blah, but honestly, who has the time? I haven't even finished watching that One Day at a Time reboot yet.
Things were going pretty well, and then...November.
That's all I should have to say about that.
And even though I was so devastated all I wanted to do was sit in an empty bathtub and hug one of those human-sized carnival stuffed animals you win when you guess how many jelly beans are in a peanut butter jar, I tried to find silver linings wherever I could.
And one place I thought I could locate some good news was in the market.
But once I bought up all their cheese, I had to see how my stocks were doing.
Now, because we elected a sociopath who also happens to be a businessman, I expected my stocks to do well while the rest of the world crumbled.
As you can imagine, this set off in me a complex set of emotions, because while I feel about the President the way a garbageman feels about appliance day, I also really didn't want to fail at the stock market the way I'd failed at...pretty much every other aspect of being an adult.
So I started keeping an eye on my stocks, and I immediately noticed something--
Well, I wouldn't call it funny, because it was actually terrifying, but, like...odd? I guess?
Basically--and this is just what I can determine from casual observations of my own stock market experience--it looks like Wall Street really, really likes our current President.
Whenever he's just kind of existing and not getting into any trouble, the market is great. It's amazing.
Unfortunately, those days are few and far be-never.
Funnily enough though, when he does says something offensive or does something stupid--and again, that's pretty much any hour ending in o'clock--the market really isn't affected at all.
But when he actually faces consequences for the stuff he does?
That's when you see the market start to shift.
Again, casual observation, but--
It appears that the stock market does not like it when the President is in trouble.
During peak-Russiagate, the market was doing bad.
Really bad.
When the President said there were "many sides" in Charlottesville?
Pretty much no change.
Threatening Korea and getting blowback for it?
Volatile market.
Banning transgender service members from serving?
Pretty much nothing.
I get that having a crazy person as President should equal a crazy market, but that really doesn't seem to be the case at all. The market doesn't care if the President is a lunatic, just as long as the rest of us don't do anything about it.
It's almost like our entire financial system is saying--
"Oh, you want to impeach the President? Gosh, I don't know what that would do to all those nice retirement plans you have..."
It is fucked up, you guys.
You would think Wall Street, like the rest of us, would be interested in ousting a President if it turned out they sucked at their job.
But Wall Street is definitely not interested in that.
Not only do they not care if he's awful at what he does, they also want the rest of us to leave him alone.
I'm not exactly surprised by all this, but kinda, because I can't wrap my head around the idea that if we were to actually impeach a President--a totally legal thing to do--our economy would go into a freefall basically telegraphing to the people who voted for him--you were right, and look what those bad people on the other side did.
To add confusion to misery, I now have enough money in the market that I'd actually be really super nervous if it started to just go away.
So I'm not rooting for the President, but also, I'm invested--literally--in him staying out of trouble.
It's fucking awful, you guys.
Turns out all those people who said capitalism is the devil weren't wrong after all.
Because I have no interest in getting up early, eating well, or meditating, that meant I had to find some other way of impressing people my age.
So I decided on the stock market.
Now, I know absolutely nothing about the stock market, and I have no time to learn anything about it, because my Netflix queue is soooo long you guys, and when you add it to my Amazon watchlist, it doesn't look like I'm ever going to be productive again.
Luckily for me, we live in 2017, where you can download an app if you want to learn about the stock market or just want to be like "Hey, here's some money. Go make me rich."
I opted for the latter.
Actually, I opted for three latters.
I downloaded three different apps that take my money right out of my bank account (in small increments, because baby steps) and invest for me.
They also offer to tell me how they're investing and why and blah blah blah, but honestly, who has the time? I haven't even finished watching that One Day at a Time reboot yet.
Things were going pretty well, and then...November.
That's all I should have to say about that.
And even though I was so devastated all I wanted to do was sit in an empty bathtub and hug one of those human-sized carnival stuffed animals you win when you guess how many jelly beans are in a peanut butter jar, I tried to find silver linings wherever I could.
And one place I thought I could locate some good news was in the market.
But once I bought up all their cheese, I had to see how my stocks were doing.
Now, because we elected a sociopath who also happens to be a businessman, I expected my stocks to do well while the rest of the world crumbled.
As you can imagine, this set off in me a complex set of emotions, because while I feel about the President the way a garbageman feels about appliance day, I also really didn't want to fail at the stock market the way I'd failed at...pretty much every other aspect of being an adult.
So I started keeping an eye on my stocks, and I immediately noticed something--
Well, I wouldn't call it funny, because it was actually terrifying, but, like...odd? I guess?
Basically--and this is just what I can determine from casual observations of my own stock market experience--it looks like Wall Street really, really likes our current President.
Whenever he's just kind of existing and not getting into any trouble, the market is great. It's amazing.
Unfortunately, those days are few and far be-never.
Funnily enough though, when he does says something offensive or does something stupid--and again, that's pretty much any hour ending in o'clock--the market really isn't affected at all.
But when he actually faces consequences for the stuff he does?
That's when you see the market start to shift.
Again, casual observation, but--
It appears that the stock market does not like it when the President is in trouble.
During peak-Russiagate, the market was doing bad.
Really bad.
When the President said there were "many sides" in Charlottesville?
Pretty much no change.
Threatening Korea and getting blowback for it?
Volatile market.
Banning transgender service members from serving?
Pretty much nothing.
I get that having a crazy person as President should equal a crazy market, but that really doesn't seem to be the case at all. The market doesn't care if the President is a lunatic, just as long as the rest of us don't do anything about it.
It's almost like our entire financial system is saying--
"Oh, you want to impeach the President? Gosh, I don't know what that would do to all those nice retirement plans you have..."
It is fucked up, you guys.
You would think Wall Street, like the rest of us, would be interested in ousting a President if it turned out they sucked at their job.
But Wall Street is definitely not interested in that.
Not only do they not care if he's awful at what he does, they also want the rest of us to leave him alone.
I'm not exactly surprised by all this, but kinda, because I can't wrap my head around the idea that if we were to actually impeach a President--a totally legal thing to do--our economy would go into a freefall basically telegraphing to the people who voted for him--you were right, and look what those bad people on the other side did.
To add confusion to misery, I now have enough money in the market that I'd actually be really super nervous if it started to just go away.
So I'm not rooting for the President, but also, I'm invested--literally--in him staying out of trouble.
It's fucking awful, you guys.
Turns out all those people who said capitalism is the devil weren't wrong after all.
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