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On Giving Up: Let's Talk About Support

In my ongoing conversations about giving up theater, I've heard one thing come up over and over again--the frustration from lack of support from fellow artists.

The friend I'm talking to in this interview had some really insightful thoughts on it, so I decided that should be the main focus of our talk.

Here's the Interview:

ME:  So how long were you doing theater before you gave it up?

THEM:  A long time.  I did it when I was young so it was about fifteen years of it and then no more.

ME:  You and I have talked about the big reason you left being a lack of support.

THEM:  Yeah.

ME:  Can you talk a little about that?

THEM:  Well there was a, uh, moment--I think, the funny thing is, we sort of hit that moment at the same time, you and I--

ME:  Right.  I was doing "You Might Not Be Crazy" which was sort of my first big monologue show.  I had done one at Christin's bookstore, which was great, and then Vanessa gave me a chance to do one at Perishable, and I remember being like--Okay, don't mess this up.

THEM:  And you were telling everybody they had to come.

ME:  Right.

THEM:  And I was, uh, in a show at the same time.  That was very important to me.  But we both went to see each other's shows, because, I think, you came to, like, a dress rehearsal of mine, and then my show ended before yours did or something--

ME:  But we both managed to make it to each other's, because both shows were really important to us.

THEM:  Yes.

ME:  Because we were united against--

THEM:  Rent.

ME:  Yup.

THEM:  Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal were both in Rent at PPAC while our shows were going on.

ME:  And there were people who skipped both our shows and not only went to see Rent at PPAC, but posted about it.

THEM:  Blatantly.

ME:  Yeah.

THEM:  One girl, that we're both friends with, even put 'Congratulations to Adam and Anthony' as if she knew them.

ME:  As if they were going to see that on Facebook and be like 'Aw, what a sweetie.'

THEM:  That's when I was done.

ME:  That was it for you?

THEM:  Yeah, I just--I couldn't believe you could say to people 'You seeing this thing means a lot to me' and they would take their, uh, time and money, and go support total strangers instead.  That was just more than I could handle, but uh, other stuff like that had happened--

ME:  I hadn't experienced it that much up to that point.

THEM:  Oh, see I had.

ME:  Where people were skipping stuff--

THEM:  There are two ways this goes down--three.  Three really.

ME:  Okay.

THEM:  So the first is the legitimate, like, someone is taking care of their dying father or something and they just never know when they can see things, and like, you can't really get mad at them.

ME:  Okay.

THEM:  But the two I can't stand are--so--the first one is these people--and you've talked about this--who, uh, play the game, and they play it by what they choose to see and Congratulate.

ME:  Right, I posted a snarky status a few years ago that said 'Just Saw an Awesome Show at Insert Theater I'd Like to Work At.'

THEM:  Did that go over well?

ME:  Well, it's one of those things where if you say you're offended by it, you have to admit that it applies to you.

THEM:  That's really good.

ME:  I love stuff like that.

THEM:  Okay, so there's that.

ME:  Strategic theater-viewing.

THEM:  Exactly.  Then there's people who strictly see, like, Broadway shows and tours and shows totally made up of people they've never met in their life to the point where it's almost like they're trying to piss you off.

ME:  Like Rent girl.

THEM:  Like Rent girl.  And, uh, people get so surprised when you say this pisses you off, but like, imagine you're running an Italian restaurant, and your friends keep going to other Italian restaurants and posting about how delicious the food is, and never coming to yours.  Wouldn't you eventually come to the conclusion that--

ME:  They think my food sucks.

THEM:  They think my--exactly.  So--that hurts.  I mean, how do you not feel hurt by that?  You don't.

ME:  Do you think some of them mean for it to be hurtful?

THEM:  Okay, so--I have a good story for you.

ME:  I love a good story.

THEM:  You're sitting up now.

ME:  I was bored as hell until just now.

THEM:  (Laughs.)  Okay--uh, so someone told me--this is all hearsay--

ME:  I love hearsay.

THEM:  Someone told me that they were talking to this, um, actress in this community who everybody would know--who you would know--

ME:  You want to go off-the-record and tell me really quick?

THEM:  Off-the-record?  You're not a journalist.

ME:  Okay, so just tell me who it is.

(THEM tells ME.)

ME:  Wow, okay.  I'm REALLY interested now.

THEM:  (Laughs.)  Okay, so, somebody was talking to--this person--and, um, they were talking about a show you were in--

ME:  That I was in?

THEM:  Yeah, oh man this is--I feel bad now--

ME:  Don't you dare.

THEM:  Okay, so, they were saying--this woman, actress--was saying how, um, they weren't going to go see a show you were in, because they didn't think you were talented as an actor.

ME:  As an actor?

THEM:  Like, they said you were a great performer, but not an actor.

ME:  Oh I thought you were going to say 'They thought you were talented as an elephant, but not as an actor.'

THEM:  As a zebra.

ME:  Yeah.

THEM:  No, like, they think you're funny--this is all second hand.

ME:  Right.  But this sounds about right.

THEM:  And, uh, I guess my friend said to them, 'Well, what have you seen him in recently?'  And the actress said 'Oh, I haven't seen him in anything since--' like something you did in college or whatever.

ME:  Wow.

THEM:  And my friend goes 'Well, maybe he's gotten better since then.'  Because this would have been, like, a long time afterwards.

ME:  Right.

THEM:  And the person--actress--made this look like--like that was something she had just never considered.

ME:  Huh.

THEM:  Like, she made a decision about you a decade ago and expected that still to be true and was using that as an excuse to not go support you.

ME:  And the funny thing is, I've seen her be bad in so many shows.

THEM:  (Laughs.)  That's awesome.

ME:  I have seen SO many bad shows--she's been in a few--and people are always like 'Oh, you're so good for seeing all the things you see' and I never ever tell people to see me in something if I don't think it's good--

THEM:  I've had you say that to me.

ME:  Remember I was the lead in something--

THEM:  And you were like--'It's not good.  I'm not good.  Don't come.'

ME:  Because I don't want to waste people's time or money, and when I say 'No, this is good, you should come' I want them to come--and sometimes they still don't!

THEM:  And sometimes they come to the thing you didn't actually want them to.

ME:  You're like 'What are you doing here?  Why didn't you come to the other thing?'  Oh, it's a nightmare.

THEM:  And then you're done.

ME:  The game playing thing is interesting.  I was just talking with someone about that this weekend.

THEM:  My favorite are the people like me who are, for all intents and purposes, out of the game, but like, still want to play every once in awhile.

ME:  What do you mean?

THEM:  I have a friend who used to do theater, now he lives in LA, but he still has--I mean, you know him--he still has tons of friends in this area who do theater, and he'll come for a visit, and while he's here, all his friends will have shows going on, and he'll go to, like, Trinity.

ME:  Does he know anyone at Trinity?

THEM:  NO!

ME:  Wow.

THEM:  And then he'll do the post about it--

ME:  The f***ing post.

THEM:  Being like 'Congratulations to everyone in this thing at Trinity' and meanwhile his friends are busting their asses trying to get people to see their shows and it's like 'Are you that insensitive?'

ME:  And there's nothing wrong with liking Trinity or wanting to see things at Trinity--

THEM:  But supporting the arts starts with your friends, dude.  Sorry, but that's how it is.  You think my dad wanted to go see all my plays in elementary school?  He cared about me.  That's why he went.  That's just basic human decency.  Like, I'm sure the Phantom tour at PPAC is better than my production of Hamlet and I get why you'd rather see that, but you KNOW me.  You're MY friend.

ME:  Or just don't see anything.  Be one of those people.

THEM:  You don't mind those people?

ME:  I can deal with them, because at least there's no game-playing, like you said.

THEM:  Do you think they'd care if nobody went to see their shows?

ME:  I think they've made that deal with themselves, yeah.  Where it doesn't bother them.

THEM:  But how do you do theater and not see theater?

ME:  You tell me, you're not--

THEM:  Yeah, I'm not seeing theater, so I'm not doing theater.  I just think that's so--so selfish to be like--I'm going to do this thing where there's an expectation that people come see me but I feel no obligation to return that, uh, on that expectation.  I don't know how you square that in your mind.

ME:  I'm past the point of getting angry about it.  I just did Hedwig and some people missed that--

THEM:  People missed that?

ME:  People missed it, who I then saw at other things--

THEM:  But you didn't call them out?

ME:  I called one person out.

THEM:  Because you're Kevin Broccoli.

ME:  I have Kevin Broccoli flare-ups.

THEM:  What did they say?

ME:  Well, I said 'I could get past the fact that you missed Hedwig, but you went to this other thing' like I've been talking about--

THEM:  Yeah.

ME:  And they were like 'Well, I'm in a show there, so I felt like I had to--'

THEM:  Strategic bullshit.

ME:  I mean, you know when going to a show means something to someone or not--

THEM:  You always know.

ME:  People are always grateful no matter what, but you know when it's a big deal and when it's not.

THEM:  Also I like when they give you the excuses of, like, kids and husbands and--

ME:  Well you have kids and you're married.  I don't.

THEM:  Yeah, and I still saw stuff.  That's such bullshit.  I'm sorry, but that's a bullshit excuse.  You know what me and my husband do when we're spending quality time together?  We sit on the couch and watch movies.  I can do that when I get home from the theater.  It's insulting to be like 'You have to understand that I'm busier than you and my life is crazier' and it's like 'No, I don't.  You are part of a community.  You are part of a profession that is built on support.'  Can I--can I talk about my kid for a second?

ME:  That's up to you.

THEM:  Okay, so you know the health issues regarding my, um--I'm sorry.

ME:  You don't have to--

THEM:  No, because I'm going to make this point, um--my son was very sick for awhile.  He's okay now.  Um...and when he was sick, I didn't miss a show.  I never missed anybody's stuff.  Maybe one thing here or there, but that's it.  And, like, I could have.  I could have and nobody would have blamed me.  But what you discover, when you're in those terrible situations, is that you actually have a lot of downtime, or at least, I did, because you clear your life of everything but that one thing, and then, like, there are days where your kid is fine and he just needs to sleep for twelve hours, and his dad is home, so what are you going to do with yourself?  And I was like--I'll go see a play.  Why not?  And I know every case is different, but when I hear people try to use stuff like--or when I was doing theater, after my son was in better shape, and people were missing my stuff, I just called bullshit on it, because, uh, it was like 'Oh I couldn't see your show.  Just couldn't get there.'  It's like--No, you didn't feel like it.  You didn't try hard enough.  Because I had a really sick kid--don't tell me about how precious time with your family is like I don't know that.  Believe me, I know that.  But I still made the effort.  Because my kid knows how much I loved doing this.  How important this was to me.  And how important it was that people still saw me at their shows, cheering them on, because that's who his mom was--and to then have me come back, and do a show, and have people be like--Couldn't make it.  Sorry.  Screw them.  I'm sorry, but screw them.  You tell me what you have going on that--and I know people say don't compare pain, but, uh, really, let's be honest for a second--you tell me what you've got going on that--oh, my husband wanted me to hang out with him tonight and that was the only night I could go and all this bullshit--and there I was seeing your show with a sick kid at home.  Like I said, just--screw you.

(Silence.)

ME:  I'm sorry.

THEM:  Why are you sorry?

ME:  I just feel bad now.

THEM:  Good.  (Laughs.)  No, I'm kidding.

ME:  That made you want to walk away?

THEM:  Well it's...Why do I want to be part of a community--and I'm talking about the Rhode Island theater community, let's just be really straightforward about that, because yes, some other communities are like this, but not every community.  When I lived in New York, it was not like that.  People were seeing their friends in shows every night of the week.  They were going broke seeing their friends in shows.  You didn't miss a show if your friend said they wanted you there.  It was just--that's just not how it was.  But, um, so why do I want to be a part of this community--where I live--where that's not valued?  Where people want the spotlight but they don't want to support somebody else being in the spotlight?

ME:  Right.

THEM:  It's just so frustrating.  Because, uh, I'm sure the people we're talking about, um, in regards to this, like, are so, uh, um, you know--

ME:  Like there's a wall up about it.

THEM:  Yeah.

ME:  I've seen it.  They feel very passionately that when they're not doing theater, they don't have to see it.

THEM:  Because that's the mark of a great artist.

ME:  (Laughs.)  I get better solely through my own self-discovery.

THEM:  Yeah.

ME:  So do you miss it?

(Silence.)

THEM:  I miss--my son still talks about seeing me in shows.  He remembers.  So he'll talk about it and I'll get a little sad about it.  He liked seeing me in shows.  Both my kids did.  My daughter is kind of too young to remember that, uh--that I did that.  My husband talks about it sometimes, but I know he likes having me home.  Not that I care.

ME:  (Laughs.)  To hell with him.

THEM:  No, really, if your husband gives you shit about doing or seeing theater, you have the wrong f***ing husband, ladies.

ME:  Well, it means they want to spend time with you.

THEM:  Doing what?  Watching Netflix on the couch?  Please.

ME:  (Laughs.)  That's brutal.

THEM:  That's marriage.  And that's, like, a good marriage.  It's not like you're staring into each other's eyes every night coming up with poetry or something.

ME:  This just became an interview about marriage.

THEM:  You said you felt married to the theater.

ME:  But it's sleeping in the guestroom.

THEM:  (Laughs.)  Oh, I get that.

ME:  You know I'm about to cast next season at my theater.

THEM:  Oh yeah?

ME:  Yeah.  You want to come back?

THEM:  And do theater?

ME:  Yeah.

THEM:  With you?

ME:  Yeah.  I love getting people back in the game.

THEM:  But you want to leave the game?

ME:  I want to leave the game partly because all the good people are leaving, so if I can get a few back--

THEM:  I'll think about it.

ME:  You'll check with your husband.

THEM:  Yeah, I'll see what he has to say.

Them stopped doing theater awhile ago after their son recovered from a serious illness, and when he asks them about it, they get sad.

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