I watched a movie the other night that everybody loved and I couldn't stand it.
Now, I'm not afraid to say that I dislike something everybody else likes, but the problem was, it was a movie I should have liked.
It's exactly the kind of film I would have loved pre-pandemic, and I found myself watching it, feeling as though I was watching a cartoon from childhood that doesn't hold up.
The movie seemed...distant. Like, I was watching it from a detached perspective that could fundamentally understand its strengths, but unable to enjoy them.
It's making me wonder if I should try consuming anything new while we're mired in this nightmare.
Anything I've re-watched has been a real comfort.
It's as though all my previous faves were grandfathered in, and now anytime I try to put something fresh in my brain, my brain is summarily rejecting it as if to say "You want me to process something NEW?"
That goes for books, music, television--
Everything is either met with distaste or immediate dismissal.
That's to say I can't remember most of what I've taken in culturally in the last few months.
I track everything I read, watch, and listen to in a Google doc and when I go back and look at most of it, it's as though another person made up the list.
Yes, I've been able to get more done in turns of cultural intake, but what's the point if I'm not able to revel in any of it?
I'm worried that twenty years from now, somebody will ask me about a movie and I'll have some aversion to it that I can't explain, until I finally land on--
Wait, did that come out in 2020?
I've been one of the people fighting to make sure this wasn't a lost year. I'm just unwilling to send an entire year of my life straight into the garbage without a little resistance, and a big part of my life is experiencing work by others, but right now, I just...
I hate everything.
Some of it seems pointless.
Some seems to be trying too hard.
Some seems to be indulgent.
Nothing really hits the spot, except for things that came before 2020, because they can be forgiven for all of the previously mentioned sins since they just didn't know any better.
At the same time, I wonder how healthy it is to spend time right now burying our heads in nostalgia. Right now, there are artists doing really amazing work, and most of them are not going to get another chance to release that book or act in that movie. While honoring people with awards certainly isn't a priority right now, we can at least give them some attention, no?
My goal going into 2020 was to reclaim my focus. Not so much for productivity, but just because I'd like to be able to do anything without thinking about something else, and then the world fell apart, and that goal seemed laughable.
But lately it's as though I'm experiencing the opposite of quitting smoking.
Everything tastes bad and it's killing my appetite.
Now it's starting to seep into things beyond culture--interactions with friends, my own work, and anything that requires some kind of engagement.
I wouldn't worry about it so much if it was temporary--even if it was going to last for a few years--but a mind is a muscle, and so the processes we have in place to help us appreciate art and each other are muscular processes that can fall out of shape pretty quickly.
That's why I'm forcing myself to keep taking in new work and letting it impact me in whatever way it can. It seems like that means extra listening, extra analytical examination, and extra emotional investment, and if all that sounds pretty exhausting just to enjoy a movie on Hulu, you're right, but I feel like if I give up that battle, it won't be long before I lose the war.
Honestly, I was probably already losing it before all this and just didn't realize it.
So I'm trying a little harder not to ruin everything I see and hear just because I might not be emotionally open to it.
I mean, you can't watch Floor Is Lava forever.
...Right?
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