Since we all need to celebrate...something, I thought I'd become one of those people who go all in on Halloween this year.
That's why this month, all the fiction I post on my blog will be Halloween-themed ( www.thekevinbroccoliblog.blogspot.com). All my "Man About Town" column pieces in Motif Magazine will be scary and spooky and ooky dooky. And if you drive by my house, I'll throw plain M&M's at you from six feet away, but not the Peanut ones, because those are miiiiiiiine.
And I've spent the past few months acquiring some of the wildest scary theater stories I could find from all over the country.
First up, a story about a spirit who just loves to disrupt a performance.
Submitted for the approval of all four people reading this, I call this interview--
"The Tale of the Theater Bats"
ME: I need to tell you that while I hate rats, bats are my least favorite animal on the planet.
THEM: I don't know if I should be telling you this story then.
ME: I'm already very nervous.
THEM: (Laughs.) You want to hear it?
ME: Just make it fast, please.
THEM: Where do we start?
ME: Was this an old theater?
THEM: You know, it really wasn't. It was...I think it was only about--It might have been an old building, but they had restored it, and then it was, I think, something else and then a theater. But everything was pretty new in there.
ME: Had you worked there before?
THEM: This would have been my second show there.
ME: And when did you see the bat?
THEM: Bats.
ME: Bats. There were more than one.
THEM: Oh yes.
ME: F___ me.
THEM: We didn't see them during rehearsal, which is kind of strange if you think about it, because you would think when it's quieter, they'd come out, but they never showed up until one of the performances.
ME: If I ever saw a bat during a performance--
THEM: We were onstage, and I see one swoop down near audience left.
ME: You saw the first one.
THEM: I'm the first person I know who saw one.
ME: What did you do?
THEM: I went 'Oh s___' and I go back and tell the actors in the dressing room and somebody went and ran to the booth to tell the stage manager, but by then, we were already in deep s___.
ME: Why do you say that?
THEM: I'm in the dressing room and I hear something happen in the audience.
ME: Oh no.
THEM: Somebody else comes offstage and says 'There's a bat flying over the audience.'
ME: And people are freaking out?
THEM: People--by then, people are screaming.
ME: Actual screams?
THEM: Actual screams.
ME: Oh my god.
THEM: The problem is, they're all starting to run out of the theater, and that's creating a panic.
ME: And the show is stopped at this point?
THEM: Ostensibly, yes.
ME: And the bat is still flying around?
THEM: Well, I went to the side of the stage and looked out, and I saw three bats.
ME: THREE BATS?
THEM: Yes.
ME: Just kill me, honestly.
THEM: I was--I don't love bats either, so I go in the supply closet we had and shut the door.
ME: You coward!
THEM: What would you have done?
ME: I would have been there with you.
THEM: I thought I'd get myself out of the way.
ME: But what happened after you did that?
THEM: What I heard was that everyone's running to the exit, and there were two exits, but for some reason, because of the panic it seems, everybody mostly went for the one exit at the back, and people were falling down, getting stepped on--
ME: Oh my god.
THEM: The stage manager and the ushers are trying to calm everybody down, but people are going nuts, because now we see--Someone said it looked like six or seven bats.
ME: Flying over everybody?
THEM: One woman said a bat came down and came right at her. I don't know if that's true, but she passed out, and her husband caught her, and he's screaming for an ambulance.
ME: Did this get written up?
THEM: Oh yeah. You can--I don't know if it's online. This goes back--1992 or 93.
ME: This sounds like the episode of Schitt's Creek with the crows. Do you watch that?
THEM: I don't.
ME: You should, it's great. I'm going to go watch it after this to calm myself down.
THEM: You're getting shaky just listening to this, huh?
ME: My skin is crawling.
THEM: They got everybody out, but once you're in the lobby--there are another set of doors, and they're trying to get through those doors, and they opened from the inside, and everybody's pushing.
ME: Is anybody still in the theater?
THEM: There are still people in the theater and some are laughing, because it's--It's a nervous reaction, uh, but others are under their chairs. One of the other actors told me she went out onstage and she saw a lot of bats. Could have been the six or seven, could have been a little less or more, but she said she saw them and she started flipping out.
ME: Did anybody get bitten?
THEM: It didn't seem like anybody got bitten, no. I know everybody got checked out, and thankfully nobody got hurt aside from some bruises and things like that.
ME: Bats aren't supposed to act like that though are they?
THEM: I don't know, really. I don't know a lot about bats, but they closed up this hole in the ceiling where they think they could have gotten in.
ME: This is the worst story I've ever heard in my life.
THEM: (Laughs.) You would have had a hard time of it.
ME: I would have quit theater forever and burned the place to the ground.
THEM: They didn't do too many more shows there after that, I know that.
ME: Good for them. I need a shower.
THEM: Sorry to ruin your day.
ME: Never tell this story again. It should die with me.
THEM: (Laughs.) Happy Halloween.
Them is a retired actor and teacher.
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